I'm going out of my mind...

[Pisces13]

It's been 3 months since she broke up with me after 2 years together. We've stayed in fairly regular contact since then, we've been texting each other every 2-4 days and have been seeing each other at least once a week. Lately she has been wanting to spend a lot more time together, we have been seeing each other maybe 2 or 3 times a week for like the last 4 weeks or so. She has been super affectionate lately, and keeps going on about how much she has been missing me. She had also told me about 6 weeks ago that she still loves me.

 

Anyway... Last weekend was her birthday, and she had a big party at a nightclub which she invited me to, obviously I went along. Needless to say, I ended up getting pretty wasted... Thankfully I didn't do or say anything stupid or regretful, but I was just really drunk. I don't know what happened, I didn't even drink THAT much, I had about 11 drinks (Vodka & Coke) total over a 7 hour period, which is typically less than what I would usually drink in a night. I think this prescription nose spray I have been taking lately for my blocked nose may be the culprit, as I took 8 sprays of it an hour before I started drinking, which was more than the recommended dosage. Although there is no warning about mixing it with alcohol on the bottle, I didn't feel right on the night, I felt really irritable and paranoid, like everyone hated me and was plotting against me, and I kept zoning in and out of what was going on. The next morning I was sitting on my computer hungover, and was hallucinating, seeing things moving on my desk out of the corner of my eye and stuff like that, it wasn't normal...

 

The next morning I texted my ex asking if she had a good night, which she replied back saying she had. We texted back and forth for a little bit, she asked how I was feeling etc. but she also commented that I was "very very veerrrryyyy" drunk...

 

I hadn't heard anything more from my ex until I messaged her on Wednesday night to let her know about some good news I got from work. She was replying and said congratulations etc., but seemed kind of short and didn't really initiate any conversation back, although she was replying fairly quickly. I haven't heard anything from her since then, and I've felt absolutely horrible... I've been really down and depressed, and keep going through crazy mood swings.

 

The reason for this is that we had a couple of instances during our relationship where my drinking caused arguments or issues between us (nothing that caused the break up), and now I have a feeling that she is a bit pissed off at me for the state I got myself in at her party (although she hasn't said anything to me). I've felt sick in the stomach thinking that she won't ever want to speak to me or see me again I feel like a total screw up, and have been going out of my mind thinking about it. I guess it hurts so much because it has felt like things had been going really well between us lately, and now I keep thinking I've screwed everything up.

 

Am I just overreacting? Please talk some sense in to me...

[robaday]

Mate your walking on eggshells this isnt good! You are way too worried about her and not about yourself! you want to make this better you gotta change your attitude!

 

You are too worried about her leaving again. And this worry will make her leave again. Put this another way: Do you like feeling like this? that every move you make she might walk out again? Are you actually happy continuing to see her? or are you just living in fear she will leave again?

 

Perhaps you need to start looking after number one and remove yourself from the situation for awhile. Dont pander to her every wish or mood, and work out if this is truly what you want. Your too attached.

[TaraMaiden]

You 'broke up' 3 months ago - have you had sex with her in the interim?

[Pisces13]

Mate your walking on eggshells this isnt good! You are way too worried about her and not about yourself! you want to make this better you gotta change your attitude!

 

You are too worried about her leaving again. And this worry will make her leave again. Put this another way: Do you like feeling like this? that every move you make she might walk out again? Are you actually happy continuing to see her? or are you just living in fear she will leave again?

 

Perhaps you need to start looking after number one and remove yourself from the situation for awhile. Dont pander to her every wish or mood, and work out if this is truly what you want. Your too attached.

 

I hate feeling this way, but I still love her and miss her like crazy

 

To be honest, even though we've been in contact, I have been doing pretty well just focusing on me and improving myself as a person. I was already a bit of a gym junkie to begin with, but I've been working out every day since the breakup and that has been my main focus. I've gone out on the town a couple of times prior to last weekend, but haven't really enjoyed myself, more or less just got wasted again for the sake of it.

 

This thing with the drinking was the one major thing I needed to improve on though, and I feel like I've failed after last weekend. I feel like my ex now thinks that I'll never change and this is something that will always rear it's ugly head. I hadn't previously feared her "leaving again" since we're not technically together, it was only after last weekend that I've felt like I've truly screwed things up for good...

 

You 'broke up' 3 months ago - have you had sex with her in the interim?

 

Yes we have, the last time was a couple of weeks ago. Although a lot of the time she wants to meet up in the morning for breakfast or just to hangout with each other for the day. But yeah, we have still had sex numerous times since breaking up.

[thefooloftheyear]

IM sorry man. But it just sounds like you are getting jerked around

because she is too weak to end it without a new guy in the wings..I mean really, its stupid to get drunk but if she was crazy about you shed be there to nurse your hangover and not criticize you for it.

 

Once she finds that, my opinion is that you will never hear from her again.

 

Take control and move on..But you probably wont. Youre either in it or you are out.

 

TFY

[TaraMaiden]

I hate feeling this way, but I still love her and miss her like crazy

 

To be honest, even though we've been in contact, I have been doing pretty well just focusing on me and improving myself as a person.

 

Er...No....you haven't.....

 

I was already a bit of a gym junkie to begin with, but I've been working out every day since the breakup and that has been my main focus. I've gone out on the town a couple of times prior to last weekend, but haven't really enjoyed myself, more or less just got wasted again for the sake of it.

Yeah....I rest my case....

 

 

I hadn't previously feared her "leaving again" since we're not technically together, it was only after last weekend that I've felt like I've truly screwed things up for good......

Yes we have, the last time was a couple of weeks ago. Although a lot of the time she wants to meet up in the morning for breakfast or just to hangout with each other for the day. But yeah, we have still had sex numerous times since breaking up

 

So... what part of this relationship is actually the 'ex' bit....?

You haven't broken up.

You've just been relegated to the FWB-zone.

 

She could go out and date whoever she wants, and given the ideal opportunity which might appeal to her, that's exactly what will happen.

 

You, on the other hand, are suffering by being pulled into contact and screwing her too....

Your heart is still in 'lover-boy' zone, even though she's thrown most of you out of it.

 

(The bits she's kept are to her advantage, feed her ego and keep her satisfied.)

 

Sadly, you have to go No Contact.

As TFY, above, has made clear.

But I agree with him.

You will prevaricate and give all manner of excuses as to why you can't or won't do this....

But while things stay as they are, you're a sitting duck being phukked over.

 

Sorry pal.

[Leigh 87]

Look, she obviously likes talking to you and seeing you. She was with you for two years, so it is not like she is totally using you. She enjoys being around you on one level.

 

She is not 100% using you for sex and to feed her ego. But she is using you for those things, in ADDITION to still probably valuing you as a person.

 

She still IS keeping you in her life for sex and because it is a nice way to spend her life, until she finds a guy she DOES want to be with 100% without a doubt.

 

That is not to say you're not special to her and you're 100% being used. As I said, I am sure you're special to her and she likes being around you very much.

 

............................................

 

Look. She knows you well enough to KNOW by now, if she desperately NEEDS to be with you.

 

I sure as hell KNOW within myself if I WANT to be with a guy in a committed relationship, if I have known him for two years and we are sleeping together and still hanging out.

 

All girls would KNOW by now, if they reallllly wanted to be with you, in a relationship.

 

She would know.

 

She chooses NOT TO get back together with you.

 

........................................

 

I give way more empathy than most posters here show. They tell you what you need to hear. I believe, though, that yes, this girl probably really does like to be around you on a deeper level than just a guy friend or an 100% friends with benefits.

 

People will tell you you're being used for sex and for a guy for her to pass the time with. I, on the other hand, think that not all people are that callous and unfeeling. I am sure that, after two years, this girl has feelings for you more than she would towards some FWB she had never previously invested in.

 

I think it is important to talk about how she does like things about you and you're not just a place holder for her until she meets the next dude. Not 100% a placeholder, yet you still kind of ARE.

 

The difference is: she has previously invested a lot in you, therefore she would likely like you more than some other dude she would use as a placeholder (until she met another guy she wanted to be with).

 

.............................................

 

All warm feelings towards you aside, she does NOT want to be in a committed relationship with you.

 

IF she did, she would, as fooloftheyear said: she would be helping you nurse your hangover.

 

Trust me. If a girl cared about you on THAT level, where she wanted a close and committed relationship with you, she WOULD have looked after you; NOT gone cold at the first sign that you're drunk.

 

She LIKES you. She possibly LOVES you, as a person.

 

You probably mean more to her than a FWB or common placeholder.

 

She just does not want to BE with you.

 

..............................................

 

There are no ifs or butts. Wake up dude. If you want to be with a girl, do YOU play silly games?

 

No. You would want to make her yours. You would not keep her around as a friend who f*cks occasionally.

 

MOST people who are in love with someone and want to be with them BADLY, make it happen!

 

People who WANT to be with you, do not just keep you around but notr ask to commit to you!

 

..............................................

 

If you want to continue to better yourself and make improvements, DO IT!

 

Sitting around and wanting a girl to realise she wants you IS NOT COOL.

 

Come on. You're better than this.

 

You're making your feelings dependant on this girl! YES YOU ARE. You would CARE very much if she got a new b/f tomorrow.

 

............................................

 

Can YOU SEE this situation for what it REALLY is now?

 

You're investing your feelings into a girl that DOES NOT want to be with you.

 

You're better than that.

[aloneinaz]

Odd.... when people break up, they usually stop talking to each other so they can move on and heal. As others have said, you let her break up with you and have the flexibility to date others. You've also softened the blow for her of her breaking up w/you by not forcing her to be alone w/her decision w/out you in her life. It's win, win for her and you're there as her little puppy being at her beck and call. Do you think she'd still have kept you around if she met another guy? She would have disappeared on you.

 

I agree w/Tara. I'd text her or email her and tell her you can't continue on w/the relationship as it stands now, wish her luck and go NC. You'll essentially reverse the roll on her. You're now dumping the FWB women in your life and she'll get a taste of being alone, feeling rejected, having no one to keep her company, no sex, etc.. This might wake her up and if it doesn't, at least you have your self respect back.

 

You also need to look hard at your drinking. Do you have a problem? It clearly was an issue to her in your relationship. You're working our hard yet still getting wasted?

[Pisces13]

You also need to look hard at your drinking. Do you have a problem? It clearly was an issue to her in your relationship. You're working our hard yet still getting wasted?

 

Yeah, I've just decided to stop drinking all together. I can't deal with the shame and regret any longer. I don't really drink that often, maybe like 2 or 3 times a month on either a Friday or Saturday night, and it's probably only one of those times where I'll get absolutely wasted.

 

I'm not addicted to alcohol thankfully, it's just something I do to let off steam every now and then I guess, but when I'm out in a club and I'm drinking, I just don't know when to stop and I just become a real selfish jerk. I hate the person that I become when I'm in that state, it's the complete opposite of who I really am, which is why I feel so ashamed of myself for it...

 

I went to the pub tonight though and didn't have anything to drink, so I was pretty happy with myself about that. One step at a time I guess!

[leoc1973]

Hey man I know you're hurting and this sucks. I didn't read any of your back stories if you have any but I am gonna play devils advocate.

 

I don't know how old you guys are but to be honest it sounds like she loves you and is looking at the future and doesn't want a drunk for a lifetime partner.

 

I know that when you tell your story it seems like she is using you or putting you in the FWB zone and jerking you around but I honestly think she is more of the "victim" her. I think she loves a guy a lot and waited 2 years for you to grow up a little bit and quit with the drinking.

 

Yes she is putting you in the FWB zone. First because she probably loves you a lot and second is so she can slowly ween herself off you.

 

I don't think she is jerking you around. I think what really is going on here is she keeps giving you chances and maybe even broke up with you as a wakeup call and you aren't straightening out.

 

Unless I am totally getting the wrong idea here then I am gonna tell you what to do. If you want her back you need to go very low contact with her if not that then NC and also QUIT DRINKING!! Are you an alcoholic? Do you need help? Or do you just like getting wasted? Its her or the booze take your pick. And I can guarantee you that her friends are saying "see he will never change" or "see he will never grow up"

 

Oh side note: Usually a lot of us guys starve ourselves half to death when we get dumped. Are you eating? The reason I ask is that maybe you are hungry/dehydrated and those 11 drinks really kicked your ass.

[thefooloftheyear]

Id drop her on her head immediately...Because thats what she is waiting for to do to you,but she doesnt have the inner strength so she just toys with you..

 

EFF THAT!!

 

You know the last one I had even had the nerve to ask me if I was still going to fix her car when it broke down!!:laugh:..What?? She said she would make me a nice dinner..I cant post what I told her....But suffice to say it stung her to the core..

 

And guess who is fishing back around after 6 months?? Problem is she has no desirable "bait" at this point..

 

Recapture your dignity and show this inconsiderate woman the door...She isnt the only one with a vagina..

 

TFY

[Pisces13]

Well don't I feel like a fool.

 

I couldn't take it any longer, I had to know what my ex was feeling. So I texted her and asked her if she was upset with me, she replied saying that she wasn't upset with me at all, but she has just apparently realized that it will be easier for us to get over each other if we don't hang out anymore... she apparently came to this epiphany at her party...

 

Needless to say I feel pretty stupid right now.

 

This is the same girl who 6 weeks ago told me she still loves me, and that she doesn't want any other girl to have me. The same girl who a couple of weeks ago told me how sexy I am after I had just made love to her and made her come 3 times in a row. The same girl who as recently as last week wanted to spend the whole day together with me, and was being super affectionate. NOW she suddenly decides it's a good idea to stop hanging out with each other...

 

It hurts, but it's confusing more than anything. I had hoped that one day we would end up getting back together, but I didn't expect that to happen any time soon, and I certainly didn't have any sort of ulterior motive by wanting to see her and spend time with her. I still consider her my best friend, and we still have so much fun together, I have been enjoying our relationship now for what it is.

 

So yeah, I guess this means NC from here.

[Pisces13]

Yep, officially in NC now.

 

After a few more texts back and forth this afternoon, she just came right out and asked me to leave her alone. She said she needs some time a part for a while.

 

Needless to say I feel pretty upset right now, like my heart has been torn out and trodden all over, but at the same time kind of relieved, I finally know what she wants and that it is actually over between us.

[mutant]

Well don't I feel like a fool.

 

I couldn't take it any longer, I had to know what my ex was feeling. So I texted her and asked her if she was upset with me, she replied saying that she wasn't upset with me at all, but she has just apparently realized that it will be easier for us to get over each other if we don't hang out anymore... she apparently came to this epiphany at her party...

 

Needless to say I feel pretty stupid right now.

 

This is the same girl who 6 weeks ago told me she still loves me, and that she doesn't want any other girl to have me. The same girl who a couple of weeks ago told me how sexy I am after I had just made love to her and made her come 3 times in a row. The same girl who as recently as last week wanted to spend the whole day together with me, and was being super affectionate. NOW she suddenly decides it's a good idea to stop hanging out with each other...

 

It hurts, but it's confusing more than anything. I had hoped that one day we would end up getting back together, but I didn't expect that to happen any time soon, and I certainly didn't have any sort of ulterior motive by wanting to see her and spend time with her. I still consider her my best friend, and we still have so much fun together, I have been enjoying our relationship now for what it is.

 

So yeah, I guess this means NC from here.

 

I have to admit the bolded made me chuckle. Seriously man you have to follow the NC rules from here on. Everyone on this forum except you could see where this was going and I bet there is probably some guy waiting on the sidelines. Even if she isn't eyeing another dude right now, I can assure you she will be in a relationship in a few months time. So it's time for you to move on; don't hang around waiting for her feelings to change; they Won't.

 

Do not contact her anymore, that's it. But from experience, it's a bit difficult not to do so. Anytime you have an urge to contact her simply come here and seek our opinion.

[Pisces13]

Well yeah, it seems like she does have another guy lined up. He seems like a really nice guy, but appearance wise he isn't typically the kind of guy my ex would be attracted to, he is chubby and has kind of an Emo look about him. He definitely isn't better looking than me, but I suppose looks aren't everything.

 

They aren't officially together yet, they have been texting each other non stop for like the last couple months though, but she has still been spending the majority of her time with me throughout this period. The very few times when they've been tagged in somewhere together on FB, it has always been with other people.

 

But yeah, they were tagged in together somewhere on Saturday (again with a couple of people from work), and then again last night when they were all out drinking... so it seems like things are starting to ramp up a bit.

 

I felt highly disrespected when I saw the status last night, for her to ask me to "leave her alone" then a few hours later tag herself out somewhere with another guy like that. This is the same girl who just last week begged me to take the day off work so that we could spend the day together. Oh well, what can you do...

 

I think this new guy is most definitely a rebound though. I know that she still has a lot of feelings for me, and that she is essentially using him to get over me, even though she may very well genuinely like the guy. She seems very confused and has from the start.

 

I'm going to grieve for a bit obviously, but I'm not going to try and let it get me down too much. I'll be smashing it in the gym and focusing on improving myself. Only time well tell what happens next.

[TaraMaiden]

'What happens next' is that if this guy IS a rebound, and either one dumps the other, and she DOES try to touch base with you again, time will prove that you're not so easy to win over, you will not respond, reply, react, or jump at the bait, and be such a push-over.

 

Isn't that right?

 

[Pisces13]

'What happens next' is that if this guy IS a rebound, and either one dumps the other, and she DOES try to touch base with you again, time will prove that you're not so easy to win over, you will not respond, reply, react, or jump at the bait, and be such a push-over.

 

Isn't that right?

 

 

Well I'm really not expecting to hear from her, so I don't think I'll have to worry much about that. Like I said, she isn't officially together with this guy yet, but it seems to me like it is heading that way, she definitely seems to be using him to help get over me though.

[mutant]

Well I'm really not expecting to hear from her, so I don't think I'll have to worry much about that. Like I said, she isn't officially together with this guy yet, but it seems to me like it is heading that way, she definitely seems to be using him to help get over me though.

 

It probably depends on how she perceives your drinking problem...but like tara says she'll definitely be back.

[NotCoping2013]

I felt highly disrespected when I saw the status last night, for her to ask me to "leave her alone" then a few hours later tag herself out somewhere with another guy like that. This is the same girl who just last week begged me to take the day off work so that we could spend the day together. Oh well, what can you do...

 

You need to block her on FB. Not just unfriend, but block. You don't want to be stumbling across her photos or updates anywhere in FB land... it is torture.

[Simon Phoenix]

Well I'm really not expecting to hear from her, so I don't think I'll have to worry much about that. Like I said, she isn't officially together with this guy yet, but it seems to me like it is heading that way, she definitely seems to be using him to help get over me though.

 

I think she was using you to get over you to be quite honest. Now she has and therefore she's cut you off.

[Pisces13]

I think she was using you to get over you to be quite honest. Now she has and therefore she's cut you off.

 

Yeah, I don't think you're wrong there... although, she did say that the reason for wanting to go NC now all of a sudden is because she is finding it too hard to get over me. Like I said, it was only a little over a week ago that she wanted to spend the whole day together, and she was super affectionate, wanting to hold my hand, kept putting my arm around her, cuddling with me etc. She had been wanting to hang out heaps over the last month. I've broken up with a girl before who I was completely over, so I know you don't do that sort of stuff when you're over someone.

 

But I do feel it's like now she has enough other avenues (her new friends, her family) to occupy her loneliness and feelings for me that she finally feels comfortable of letting me go I guess.

[Simon Phoenix]

Yeah, I don't think you're wrong there... although, she did say that the reason for wanting to go NC now all of a sudden is because she is finding it too hard to get over me. Like I said, it was only a little over a week ago that she wanted to spend the whole day together, and she was super affectionate, wanting to hold my hand, kept putting my arm around her, cuddling with me etc. She had been wanting to hang out heaps over the last month. I've broken up with a girl before who I was completely over, so I know you don't do that sort of stuff when you're over someone.

 

But I do feel it's like now she has enough other avenues (her new friends, her family) to occupy her loneliness and feelings for me that she finally feels comfortable of letting me go I guess.

 

Meh, you are reading too much into everything, which is one of the reasons why people aren't advised to do what you did. Her "having a hard time getting over you" could easily be a "it's not you, it's me" type statement.

[TaraMaiden]

Yeah...you need to quit the analysis.

 

It's over, she's told you it's over, and all you need to do now is to accept it and turn your back on the whole thing and move on.

 

Discussions like this are fruitful initially, but there comes a point where you just need to take a deep breath, drop your shoulders, exhale forcibly and say "Phukkitt."

 

I think you've definitely reached that 'point'.

 

[Pisces13]

Yeah...you need to quit the analysis.

 

It's over, she's told you it's over, and all you need to do now is to accept it and turn your back on the whole thing and move on.

 

Discussions like this are fruitful initially, but there comes a point where you just need to take a deep breath, drop your shoulders, exhale forcibly and say "Phukkitt."

 

I think you've definitely reached that 'point'.

 

 

Yeah, you guys are right. I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle trying to make sense of it all, and it isn't going to change anything anyway. I'm just going through the phases I guess. Even though I feel like a complete mess right now, I'll get there eventually.

[Pisces13]

So I went out for dinner with my sister last night just to catch up and get out of the house. Had a really good night, was good to chat with her and help take the mind of my ex, even though we did talk about her a little bit.

 

Anyway, as we left the restaurant to head back to the car, my sister spotted some of her friends having dinner in another restaurant, and ran in side to hello. Meanwhile I just waited around outside for her to come back out. As she was talking to her friends, the one that was seated facing the opposite direction to the window quickly turns and looks out towards me. She starts smiling at me and is appears to be saying something to my sister.

 

I had seen this girl before in some of my sisters photos on FB, and let me say that she is absolutely stunning. My sister then quickly left the restaurant, and as she came back over to me I told her that I thought her friend was hot, to which she replied "Yeah, she said the same thing about you" It was like my mood went from 0 to 1000 in the space of 0.3 seconds.

 

I was feeling pretty good after that obviously, my ex seemed like a distance memory. I got home, logged in to FB and was telling one of my friends about my night, then all of a sudden I get a new friend request, and lord behold it was my sisters friend!

 

Now I'm not expecting anything to eventuate from any of this, and it may sound quite insignificant in the scheme of things, but this was exactly the kind of thing I needed right now. It just serves as a reminder that my ex breaking up with me is NOT the end of the world. Things WILL get better eventually, and that you just need to focus on the positives such as these to help you move forward with your life

 

This was just the confidence boost that I needed right now.

Edited June 19, 2013 by Pisces13