mattzeo Posted June 15, 2013 Posted June 15, 2013 Okay ladies and gentlemen. Sorry to belabor this subject as I have posted before. In summary, I discovered last September that my wife of nearly 25 years had been having an affair with a married man for the previous 8.5 years. I was crushed and although she lives 110 miles away, I try to see her on a regular basis (weekends/vacation time). We do engage in very good sexual relations when together. I really do not understand it myself, but I cannot let go of her because I do love her very, very much. Last night we had some drinks together after a decent evening, and I brought up the affair. Pointing out how the OM used her so terribly. She becomes angry and defensive as always, and the conversation breaks into a heated argument with her bringing up my infidelity during our engagement. Yes, several weeks before we were married, I had a one night stand with a co-worker and former classmate. I was too drunk and it was cold, so no intercourse ever happened, but I did try to pleasure her orally. Within days I felt so much guilt that I told my then fiancé, now wife what I did. She was devastated, yet we subsequently married and had two beautiful sons together. In the last paragraph I said that I told her out of guilt, but in reality, I told her with the intent to hurt her. Why you must all be asking? Well, when we first met, my then girlfriend asked me if we could discuss both our sexual pasts. Like a fool, I went on to tell her of my sexual past, and when it was her turn, she stated the if her uncle hadn't molested her, I would be her "first." Because she never was with any other men. I believed her until I slowly discovered that she wasn't so innocent. She had been sexually active with two other men/boys that she always claimed were just friends, and because of what happened to her as a child, she could never have sex without another until me. For the critics, I'm sorry, but when she had me be honest and reveal all my past, when she withheld all of hers, I felt so betrayed. These were men she showed pictures of and even had a picture of the two of them together on her dresser months after we were together! When I found out shortly before my lapse, I felt as if she had just cheated on me. She did it in a letter that happened about six weeks before my one night stand. She said "I cannot take you down the aisle with lies..." and revealed some (trickle truth) of what happened in her past with other males. Again, all I felt was filled with anger and betrayal. I wanted to marry her, but couldn't believe she had lied to me for over a year! I hated her for doing that to me, but loved her too much to let her go. I knew the woman I cheated with was interested, and I took her out figuring I would get revenge. In all honesty, yes, I was attracted to the other woman, but wife still believes I would have done what I did no matter what. Honestly, I always knew/thought the OW was attractive, but honestly never gave it a thought. So as far as my affair was concerned, I rubbed it in her nose for a couple of years until I grew up and realized I handled her situation very wrongly. We had our first son, and prior to that, I felt ashamed and regretted what I had done. I was only 24 then, now over 50. But since discovering her 8.5 year affair, it is thrown in my face each time her egregious post marital affair happened. In her affair that began 16.5 years into our marriage, she performed oral sex to swallow on a man 9 years her senior, her bosses husband, a loser and a used car salesman that worked sporadically. He gave her a golden shower, and brought stuff in a baggie that he produced for her to ingest. She still wonders if he really ever loved her. Too strange. She says "well I just did whatever would make me feel desired, the more I pleased him, the more he would compliment me." She will admit that he was weird and a user. His son awoke to him within a couple of feet of the kids bed masturbating to porn on his sons computer! It was all about him, yet she said she felt hot, sexy, desired, and attractive by performing these one-sided acts on him. Eventually, he had intercourse and other with her, but she always paid for each and every hotel room, his gas, phone cards, and gifted/loaned him hundreds of dollars. She admits that out of all the years together she maybe had an orgasm a dozen times!!! She would fake up to five in a 20 minute meeting! How does one feel hot and sexy when they cannot even have 1, but faked 5. WOW! Twisted. She may have fooled a fool (the OM), but how can you fool yourself? She is not multi-orgasmic, and NEVER has been. She has 1 with me 99.99% of the time, yet less than .99% of the time with the OM. Never once in 8.5 years did he give her a thing. Player? I think so. He "borrowed money" that he never repaid. Would tell her that he didn't have money to go to the beach with her, so she would pay his gas, food, booze, and parking! My feelings are that she was actually molested twice, once by her uncle, and again by this creep. All he did was tell her that she was hot, sexy, and attractive and that when he saw her, he had to go home and masturbate! Would most women be turned on by that? She states that she always felt inferior to me, and by having her "affair" with a man much less better looking than me, she felt superior. She says I will never understand because I was blessed with being handsome, and I could get any woman I wanted and she always questioned why I wanted her? My answer is that while I was very attracted to her, the attraction was not purely physical. I loved her, and everything about her. I was/am turned on by her, but she says it's because I love her, not because she is a dream girl as he made her out to be. She still thinks that nobody including me made her feel so desired/sexy. Please advise. I'm just so confused why looks are so darn important versus love?
TaraMaiden Posted June 15, 2013 Posted June 15, 2013 I'm confused now... Your thread title is: Tell me If I'm correct..... Then your final question is: Please advise. I'm just so confused why looks are so darn important versus love? Your whole post concerns your wife's revolting behaviour, and the man or men she has been seeing behind your back. To be frank, I really am having difficulty understanding the point of your post? My response to it all would be - Why does any of this matter?Why are you not divorcing her? Why continue to behave like a doormat? Keep tolerating her behaviour, and she will keep behaving like this. You have no logical question. You have mine to answer: What the hell are you thinking, still being with her???
Author mattzeo Posted June 15, 2013 Author Posted June 15, 2013 Sorry for the confusion. I know I was/am rambling. I was just laying out both of our wrongdoing and wondering who is wrong? Sorry. Just another sleepless night and I needed to put down my feelings in words, albeit they perhaps only make sense to me
TaraMaiden Posted June 15, 2013 Posted June 15, 2013 Answer my questions: Why are you not divorcing her? Why continue to behave like a doormat? What the hell are you thinking, still being with her??? 1
Cutiepie1976 Posted June 15, 2013 Posted June 15, 2013 (edited) No worries. Sorry this happened to you. It's not a competition to see who can hurt who more. Or who is more wrong. For a marriage to be healthy, you have to both believe you are a team working together. Not combatants trying to damage the other more. Food for thought: You can choose to step off the merry-go-round of dysfunction at any time. What are the benefits to you of continuing the ride? What are the downsides to you of ending things?Has your wife been apologetic and attempted to make amends at all? Or is the reaction you describe in the OP (anger and defensiveness) par for the course?Are you attending marriage counseling together?Any children at home? (You don't state your sons' ages.) How are they handling the obvious turmoil between you two? ETA: A ONS 20+ years ago is not a valid reason to engage in an 8+ year affair...if that's the question you're trying to ask. It's not clear what you're asking TBH. Edited June 15, 2013 by Cutiepie1976
BetrayedH Posted June 15, 2013 Posted June 15, 2013 Quit keeping score about who is the worse person. Reconciling (if that's what you're doing from 110 miles away ?) is about remorse and forgiveness. Since you have both been unfaithful, it's quadruple-difficult. Unfortunately, I'm not sure I see either remorse or forgiveness coming from either of you. It sounds like a bizarre f-buddies scenario.
Author mattzeo Posted June 16, 2013 Author Posted June 16, 2013 Why are you not divorcing her? We have lived two states apart for nine months, but I need to be certain that there is no chance for reconciliation whatsover. We still have a lot of love for each other (yeah I can hear the comments now). 60% of my life has been with her. I had/have a deep love for her and wish she wouldn't bring up a mistake I made when we were still single when we are working on the current catastrophic affair. Why continue to behave like a doormat? I don't consider myself a "doormat." Quite honestly, that was a foolish choice of words. We all get screwed over in our lives and accept crap that we didn't deserve. That doesn't make us a doormat Tara. I was the one who kicked her out 9 months ago and haven't come close to thinking about having her back. The problem in society today is JUST DIVORCE and MOVE ON. Those that are so shallow to forget the vows they took FOR BETTER AND FOR WORSE deserve multiple marriages. I took a vow, and she broke it...easy out for me? Of course! I didn' get married to take the easiest road my friend. What the hell are you thinking, still being with her??? I am not with her. We are in fact separated, although we do meet up to have normal moments at times, other times we touch on some VERY painful subjects. I no longer wear a wedding band, and I'm free to see others. At times I choose to se her to make certain there isn't any chance whatsoever.
Author mattzeo Posted June 16, 2013 Author Posted June 16, 2013 No worries. Sorry this happened to you. It's not a competition to see who can hurt who more. Or who is more wrong. For a marriage to be healthy, you have to both believe you are a team working together. Not combatants trying to damage the other more. Food for thought: You can choose to step off the merry-go-round of dysfunction at any time. What are the benefits to you of continuing the ride? What are the downsides to you of ending things?Has your wife been apologetic and attempted to make amends at all? Or is the reaction you describe in the OP (anger and defensiveness) par for the course?Are you attending marriage counseling together?Any children at home? (You don't state your sons' ages.) How are they handling the obvious turmoil between you two? ETA: A ONS 20+ years ago is not a valid reason to engage in an 8+ year affair...if that's the question you're trying to ask. It's not clear what you're asking TBH. She has been apologetic in a mild way. She always had a problem admitting fault for anything ever since I met her. Just a quirk she has. My sons are at home (23 and 20). We have not attended marriage counseling.
2sure Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 Sounds like the two of you are finally communicating . Why not skip blame entirely and start over.
2sunny Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 It's never considered a "mistake" when it's a purposeful choice - which you did both choose that bad behavior. So - really - it was on purpose. All the crappy history and resentments just add to not trusting each other. I suppose you'd need a long list of good reasons to stay vs your long list of disrespecting each other. Without counseling - it's useless to try - unless you can work through your huge pile of crap you two created and get to the other side by letting go of your old behavior and the way you two torture each other. Some times - relationships are just "done".
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