Chris715 Posted June 15, 2013 Posted June 15, 2013 (edited) Close to a month of NC with my ex girlfriend now but I keep thinking about her more and more. Seriously hurting tonight and tempted to text her, not sure how I'm going to get through this. Any advice? For anyone who's done NC for a long period how the hell did you get through it? I thought this was supposed to get better with time... :/ And will she contact me again? She's wanted space for awhile and I'm finally giving it to her after getting into a big fight. Every day I feel like I'm waiting around, hoping for a message from her wanting to initiate contact again. The thought of never seeing or talking to her again is painful. Can't deal with this stuff right now. Edited June 15, 2013 by Chris715
TaraMaiden Posted June 15, 2013 Posted June 15, 2013 Well, "Mr Fixer" we knew this would happen.... I'm sorry it's hurting, but you know that contacting her would be fatal, and you know why. Because she would just start draining you all over again, with her dependency. Which, it seems, you also have, because, even knowing how dysfunctional the relationship was, you miss, and crave, that neediness from her. Your life is missing being wanted. Unfortunately, you're 'wanted' for all the wrong reasons.... You're at the point where you've hit your wall. Your 'drug dependency/addiction' centre in your brain, has started to manifest withdrawal symptoms. This is precisely what No Contact is: Cold Turkey for the heart. It's coming off the addictive aspect of your relationship; expunging the noxious effect of neediness, clinging and quiet desperation. And it hurts more than a ton-weight medicine ball to the solar plexus. And you're gonna hate me for this but - it will get worse before it gets better. What a damn hell of a brick wall that will be - like hitting it at 90mph.... Stick with us - and FOLLOW ADVICE. Truly, it will be the only way to survive this..... 2
Author Chris715 Posted June 15, 2013 Author Posted June 15, 2013 Honestly I think I'm past the "fixing" part now and having me in her life because she needs me, although yeah, I admit that was an important thing for me a few months back. Now I just want to be with her as crazy as it sounds because I acknowledge that she did pretty much suck me dry when I tried to "fix" her. Logically I should probably not want anything to do with her but obviously that's not how emotions and love work. So yeah, it's a combination of me missing her as a person now, and basically going nuts thinking about her dating other guys and living her life without me. It sucks to think she's probably out there dating people, having fun, and not even thinking about me and I've still been emotionally shot, depressed from all of this, and missing her like hell.
TaraMaiden Posted June 15, 2013 Posted June 15, 2013 yes. Don't forget that her dating and having fun, will also entail her sucking these other guys dry of their input and emotions, too..... It sucks that when a person's heart is shattered, all they can think of is 'good times' even though bad times broke them up. They conveniently forget, put aside or bury altogether, the crap that led to the final break. The break happened, and it happened for good reason. Quit snowballing. You're creating your own hell, and it doesn't have to be that way.
Author Chris715 Posted June 15, 2013 Author Posted June 15, 2013 The thing is I don't think any guy she may be dating or will date in the future will be sucked dry by her. She did that to me, mostly unintentionally, because she was going through an incredibly hard time in her life when we were in a relationship. And whether I helped to fix her or not, the fact is she moved on from that and with it, moved on from me. I get angry and jealous thinking she only used me for the hard times in her life, and now she's out there loving and caring about other people because she's back to a happy time in her life. It's like if I had met her a year later and we had both been healthy mentally, things could have been different. But I don't know. I realize I'm completely biased looking at this whole situation.
TaraMaiden Posted June 15, 2013 Posted June 15, 2013 You're 'snowballing'. I read something on the internet, a while back, that struck a chord.... Basically it said that when you're in true distress, the distress lasts for 12 minutes or so. After that, it's self-inflicted. A stack of people came back with arguments against this fact: That drug addicts can take years to get over their pain, bereavement is permanent because someone is gone you can't replace them... They were missing the point. If a thought that provokes the pain comes into your head, that thought generates that pain for around 12 minutes at a time. Any prolongation of that pain, is something you are psychologically inflicting upon yourself, by perpetuating that pain. So the thing to do, is to not permit that pain to 'snowball.' This is the problem with situations like this: Those nursing a broken/healing heart, can't "just leave it there".... They begin the snowballing... that is, they have the grain of an embryonic thought, and instead of leaving it, they begin to roll it DOWN the hill, accumulating more 'snow' as they go, turning this fleeting little notion into a great big story complete with chapter, verse, footnotes and date references.... The trick is to not start rolling the snowball. Pick it up and throw it, and move on. It takes time to 'get over' a relationship of any kind. But in your healing process, learn to spot, to recognise, where the real 'pain' should stop, and where you begin with the self-inflicted 'pain'. Pain is valid. Emotions are valid. They deserve to be honoured. But if we self-inflict, we actually do those honourable feelings an injustice, because we coat them and embellish them with our own story, and blur the edges of their raw honesty. The self inflicted pain begins when you begin to labour the point. When you diversify from the original thought and take that line of thinking into a completely new and unrelated zone. you may THINK it's all related, but it's not. For example: (totally invented and just to demonstrate....) You suddenly remember that day the car ran out of petrol, and she jokingly accuses you of doing it on purpose, in order to get down to some naughty hanky-panky... it makes you smile, but you then remember where you were going, what your trip out was for, what she was wearing, other things she said.... Here it is again, with the original thought, and where the point starts getting laboured... (1) You suddenly remember that day the car ran out of petrol, and she jokingly accuses you of doing it on purpose, in order to get down to some naughty hanky-panky... it makes you smile, [highlight]snowballing starts here[/highlight] (2) but you then remember where you were going, what your trip out was for, what she was wearing, other things she said.... See what happened there? You began the snowballing, adding, embellishing, expanding - and feeding your own pain. Feel the feeling (1). Don't labour the point (2). 3
Author Chris715 Posted June 15, 2013 Author Posted June 15, 2013 You're right, I'm snowballing. I have terrible self control when it comes to these things. Even now I'm online, going on her Facebook page, unable to sleep, anxious as hell and depressed. I can't see a future for myself right now, at least not one spent with another girl, and it's making me miserable.
Author Chris715 Posted June 15, 2013 Author Posted June 15, 2013 I think I'm blowing things way out of proportion tonight because I'm tired and stressed. Anyway, thanks for the help. I'll attempt to sleep and maybe tomorrow will be better. And maybe deleting my Facebook would be best. Definitely caused me a ton of stress throughout this entire thing. Think I'll sleep on that too.
Pisces13 Posted June 15, 2013 Posted June 15, 2013 You're right, I'm snowballing. I have terrible self control when it comes to these things. Even now I'm online, going on her Facebook page, unable to sleep, anxious as hell and depressed. I can't see a future for myself right now, at least not one spent with another girl, and it's making me miserable. This sounds exactly how I've been feeling this week, word for word. The only difference is that I've been in pretty regular contact with my ex since we broke up. I've been doing pretty well up until this past week, now I feel like I've had a major relapse. So you're not alone mate, I'm right there with you at the moment! 1
aloneinaz Posted June 15, 2013 Posted June 15, 2013 You're right, I'm snowballing. I have terrible self control when it comes to these things. Even now I'm online, going on her Facebook page, unable to sleep, anxious as hell and depressed. I can't see a future for myself right now, at least not one spent with another girl, and it's making me miserable. Didn't this relationship end like 6 months ago? How long did you go out? You're clearly really struggling and I have to ask, what are you doing to move on? Are you getting therapy? Are you doing ANYTHING besides wasting day after day ruminating over a failed relationship? You have to stop having these self inflected pity parties, pick yourself back up, work on your self esteem and move forward to finding someone else.
imadil89 Posted June 15, 2013 Posted June 15, 2013 (edited) keep yourself busy in other stuff (movies, hanging out with frnds, study or work overtime etc) to distract your mind. thinking the same things again and again will do no good for you. if she wants space, let her enjoy it.... she will come back again if she truly loves u. "Life is more important and precious than love" Edited June 15, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
BC1980 Posted June 15, 2013 Posted June 15, 2013 You have to immediately stop thinking about her when she comes to mind. It's a slippery slope. It's so tempting to indulge in memories, but all they bring is sadness. Cut it off from the start. 1
SimonSerenade Posted June 15, 2013 Posted June 15, 2013 Its hard man but remember, your doing this for you and her, right now you have a hole in your life that's causing you a lot of pain, your holding on to victimising feelings, your in emotional conflict, only it's not with her, it's with yourself, right now you feel she holds everything you once were and you feel the only way your going to get that back is when she comes back and tells you all your ego wants to hear, isn't it funny how it instantly goes away when they come back?, just like picking up smoking again, all the withdrawal feelings of the past and all the amazing sensations come back and it's like you never did without. Right now you have to be away from her and you have to do it with the right reasons in mind, not because your waiting for her to come back and make you whole again but because you want to move on and rediscover all she took away from you when she left, your also doing it for her, your doing it to give her space, your doing it out of respect for what she wants, your doing it so she finally have the life she claims she wants. Give yourself a break man, I've been down this road before, the main thing is that you can honesty say you did everything humanly possible to make her happy and did everything you could to fix what you felt was wrong, there's no shame in that, take pride in it and move along the best you possibly can. It'll take longer than a month to move on completely be it does get easier, just keep going and stay strong. 1
SimonSerenade Posted June 15, 2013 Posted June 15, 2013 As for the dating other men thing, don't think about it, it'll drive you to the crazy house, I know it's painful but it's simply out of your hands, I know the very thought is painful but see it like this, if she does do anything, it's over for good, if she doesn't she still has a chance, you should let the same apply to you, that way if you do meet someone and get romantic then she's out of your life forever and hopefully out of your mind, your a sensitive guy so that's probably more than you can handle so that may apply to you.
Author Chris715 Posted June 15, 2013 Author Posted June 15, 2013 Didn't this relationship end like 6 months ago? How long did you go out? You're clearly really struggling and I have to ask, what are you doing to move on? Are you getting therapy? Are you doing ANYTHING besides wasting day after day ruminating over a failed relationship? You have to stop having these self inflected pity parties, pick yourself back up, work on your self esteem and move forward to finding someone else. Yeah I've definitely been struggling. What prolonged it though is the fact that I only went NC about a month ago. And we officially broke up in November but things still felt like a relationship up until January when she purposefully started to cut me off and become really distant. No excuses though, I know I need to get over her somehow.
starlet86 Posted June 15, 2013 Posted June 15, 2013 I struggle with no contact, I work with my ex and he texts me a lot and finds any excuse to speak to me. Recently we had a break through were he showed up at my door and told me he would like to start out as friends and see if we can repair our relationship. He apologised for everything and he said he didn't want to jump back in to a relationship, but work on our problems as friends and see how things went, which I said I needed time to think about. He didn't text or call me but last night I asked him to call me and he was really stressed about some things that are going on in his personal life and he was quite short with me. We haven't spoken since and for once I am finding NC easy to understand. We didn't speak about what I wanted to, but more about why he is stressed. When we came off the phone I sent him an email and used right inbox to know when he had read it. He did reply saying thank you and he would like to discuss it further when he isn't stressed with what he's got to do over the weekend (knowing him, I thought this was actually very mature as I know he wouldn't actually pay full attention to what I wanted to discuss whilst his head was elsewhere). People tear me to shreds for this, but for some people I don't think NC works. It didn't work for me. I fell apart and became extremely depressed trying to ignore the one person I wanted to speak to, I didn't find it helpful. I found myself getting angry and nasty. I would take my frustration out on others and I would only become more at ease after I had replied to him. Fair enough I was cold and distant, but at least I was replying. I didn't want to do to him what he had done to me. If you feel that NC is making you worse instead of better, do what you think will help you. This board is only other peoples opinions. It is not a fail safe method to easing your pain and most people do NC as an attempt to get their ex back. I didn't do NC and my ex knocked on my door.
BC1980 Posted June 15, 2013 Posted June 15, 2013 You have it a lot harder because you see your ex at work. Basically, the wound is being ripped open on a daily basis. It's much easier to ignore thoughts of your ex when they are not around. It's a constant mental onslaught when you see the person everyday. That is awful; I don't know what advice to give except to find a new job. Of course, that is not practical to a lot of people. I know I want to keep the job I have.
Author Chris715 Posted June 15, 2013 Author Posted June 15, 2013 (edited) I'm in a similar mindset to you starlet. I don't think NC is a one size fits all thing either and for some I don't think it works at all. In my situation last I talked to my ex we were in a huge fight and before that she's already wanted space from me which admittedly I was terrible at giving. Honestly I don't think I'll be able to maintain NC forever, but I know she's moved on and maybe she's dating someone else, so I don't want to potentially get hurt in that way. Basically I'll be hurting with or without NC. Tough to be sure. You have it a lot harder because you see your ex at work. Basically, the wound is being ripped open on a daily basis. It's much easier to ignore thoughts of your ex when they are not around. It's a constant mental onslaught when you see the person everyday. That is awful; I don't know what advice to give except to find a new job. Of course, that is not practical to a lot of people. I know I want to keep the job I have. That's a good point too. To be fair I don't work with my ex or anything like that, so that's likely making NC harder for starlet than anything I have to deal with. Edited June 15, 2013 by Chris715
BC1980 Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 I will tell you this, and you aren't going to like it. It is actually up to you, and you alone, to get over your ex. You have to actively stop thinking about her, and focus on something else. You really have to work at this in the beginning. Keeping in contact with her is going to ruin any chance you have of moving forward. It keeps the memories alive; it's a constant onslaught. I have seen people hung up on their exes for years, and we all think, how sad. You will be one of those people if you keep fixating on her. I wish all relationships worked out; I sure wish mine had. But it didn't. When it ends, you have two choices: wallow in a self-made pity party, or do something to heal and move on. The beauty is that it's really an empowering thing to realize that you are in control. Keep hanging onto that reality. I wish there were an easier way.
starlet86 Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 I am actually finding no contact easier as I have said everything I wanted to say, but didn't ask any questions. I used closed questions and made sure there was nothing he could say back. It helped. It is also going to help this week in work as he wont be there. I am maintaining no contact. I have almost slipped and sent him a text, not going to pretend I haven't but instead of sending it, I saved it in my memos part of my phone. It felt like sending a text in a way and I got what I would have probably got if I had texted him, no reply. The fact he hasn't contacted me either is telling me something. He isn't in a place where he wants to talk to me right now. My ex has major things going on in his life at the moment which he needs to focus on and I know that if I distract him and something goes wrong he will blame me and when my ex feels you've wronged him, you pay. I love him dearly and he isn't all bad, but I learnt the hard way to stay the hell away from him when he is stressed. Keep your chin up Chris, if you feel NC is not working for you. Initiate contact (I am sure I will get ripped to shreds for that) but as someone who sees a therapist (I have bipolar disorder) and is studying to be a forensic psychologist I know that what may work for one person doesn't work for everyone. My therapist did recommend NC at first, but when I really started to struggle with it, I mean I was struggling to breathe at one point because he texted me when I was at the docs office and I knew I couldn't reply and I started panicking (extreme and pathetic) and my therapist told me straight up I was making myself worse by not speaking to him because I was having conversations with him in my head and becoming more stressed about it. I am finding NC easier now, but I am only on day 2... I will update on that at some point, probably about how we had a 10 minute phone call which resulted in me offering to paint his new home free of charge for him...
Pisces13 Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 Yeah I've definitely been struggling. What prolonged it though is the fact that I only went NC about a month ago. And we officially broke up in November but things still felt like a relationship up until January when she purposefully started to cut me off and become really distant. No excuses though, I know I need to get over her somehow. Mate your story sounds even more like mine... further to what I wrote previously, my ex sent me a text today straight up telling me to leave her alone, that she needs space apart for a while to get over each other. This despite her only last week wanting to meet me for breakfast and wanting to spend the whole day together... Not to mention her being real affectionate with me too...
aloneinaz Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 Mate your story sounds even more like mine... further to what I wrote previously, my ex sent me a text today straight up telling me to leave her alone, that she needs space apart for a while to get over each other. This despite her only last week wanting to meet me for breakfast and wanting to spend the whole day together... Not to mention her being real affectionate with me too... You need to disappear on her. Clearly, she was trying to wean herself off you by continuing to see you post break up. I'd ignore her for a least a month and see how you feel. It will also put the power back in your court. You're now in control.
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