Have I messed things up for good?

[Stefanie]

Hi everyone, I'm new to these threads but I've noticed that you're all very supportive and I think it'll be good for me to get this out and talk to people on the same boat.

 

 

My ex (together for 8 months) broke up with me in January after he suddenly 'fell out of love' with me. We were one of those intense whirlwind relationships and we had an amazing chemistry from the start. I know he's always cared since then but I've done many silly things like begging, calling and even sleeping with him to avoid accepting that it was really over. He tolerated it until he started seeing a girl in another state whom he decided not to date in the past because of the distance and that's when things got bad.

My life hit a very low point and I actually attempted suicide. At the time many bad things were happening to me and my family and it all affected my attempted friendship with him. He knew about what was happening in my life but whether it was his new girlfriend (whom I believe is a rebound) or his lack of trust that led him to change his number and block me in every way I don't know. I wish I could say that was the end of it. However, we work together and I see him several times a week. I force myself to ignore his conversations with our boss about him travelling over there and them spending a weekend together. I know he doesn't do it on purpose to make me jealous; he's excitable about anything good in his life.

 

 

He knows I still have feelings for him and work is just awkward most of the time. The restaurant will close soon and we will finally have NC at all (maybe forever). I want to see things through because I know that our relationship had potential and we mean a lot to each other, but I feel like everything I've done has just given him more reason not to come back.

I've acknowledged my mistakes in the relationship as well as tried to improve myself because I know I have dependency and anxiety issues. I've tried to show my new self the best I can in the workplace but he has been hot and cold lately; chatty one week and distant the next. I'm sure he has stresses of his own such as his career but he's always been able to control his emotions well.

Recently, I made a new Facebook to deal with some stalker/hacker and in a moment of weakness I tried to check his page and found he blocked me. What surprised me is that he specifically found my new page and blocked it when I hadn't tried to contact him or anything. I'm not sure if it's because it's his way of coping/forgetting about me, whether she made him do it or he still doesn't trust me when I've made no effort to contact him outside of work for weeks.

 

 

So my question is: if our relationship (which was intense and we talked about the future, etc) did mean a lot to him, would it overcome his anger with the way I behaved after the break up? Will the space harm or benefit my connection with him?

I know that this sort of behaviour is bad for me and I should be focusing on myself and moving on for now. Other than the usual: find a new hobby and distract yourself or date someone new, is there anything I can do to really help me focus on me?

 

 

Thanks in advance,

Stef

Edited June 15, 2013 by Stefanie

[Stefanie]

Nobody? :\

 

Lately I've been reading about horoscopes and I learned a lot about myself and him. It turns out we are each other's most compatible signs and gave me a little hope. I don't put a lot of faith in astrology but personality-wise it nailed it.

 

The only thing is that Capricorns have heaps of trouble regaining trust after losing it. I was hoping I'd get more time to show my new better self but time is running out. I only hope that complete NC and time apart will help him forget the negatives and remember how meaningful our relationship is.

 

Is anyone on a similar boat?

[aras]

Hi everyone, I'm new to these threads but I've noticed that you're all very supportive and I think it'll be good for me to get this out and talk to people on the same boat.

 

 

My ex (together for 8 months) broke up with me in January after he suddenly 'fell out of love' with me. We were one of those intense whirlwind relationships and we had an amazing chemistry from the start. I know he's always cared since then but I've done many silly things like begging, calling and even sleeping with him to avoid accepting that it was really over. He tolerated it until he started seeing a girl in another state whom he decided not to date in the past because of the distance and that's when things got bad.

My life hit a very low point and I actually attempted suicide. At the time many bad things were happening to me and my family and it all affected my attempted friendship with him. He knew about what was happening in my life but whether it was his new girlfriend (whom I believe is a rebound) or his lack of trust that led him to change his number and block me in every way I don't know. I wish I could say that was the end of it. However, we work together and I see him several times a week. I force myself to ignore his conversations with our boss about him travelling over there and them spending a weekend together. I know he doesn't do it on purpose to make me jealous; he's excitable about anything good in his life.

 

 

He knows I still have feelings for him and work is just awkward most of the time. The restaurant will close soon and we will finally have NC at all (maybe forever). I want to see things through because I know that our relationship had potential and we mean a lot to each other, but I feel like everything I've done has just given him more reason not to come back.

I've acknowledged my mistakes in the relationship as well as tried to improve myself because I know I have dependency and anxiety issues. I've tried to show my new self the best I can in the workplace but he has been hot and cold lately; chatty one week and distant the next. I'm sure he has stresses of his own such as his career but he's always been able to control his emotions well.

Recently, I made a new Facebook to deal with some stalker/hacker and in a moment of weakness I tried to check his page and found he blocked me. What surprised me is that he specifically found my new page and blocked it when I hadn't tried to contact him or anything. I'm not sure if it's because it's his way of coping/forgetting about me, whether she made him do it or he still doesn't trust me when I've made no effort to contact him outside of work for weeks.

 

 

So my question is: if our relationship (which was intense and we talked about the future, etc) did mean a lot to him, would it overcome his anger with the way I behaved after the break up? Will the space harm or benefit my connection with him?

I know that this sort of behaviour is bad for me and I should be focusing on myself and moving on for now. Other than the usual: find a new hobby and distract yourself or date someone new, is there anything I can do to really help me focus on me?

 

 

Thanks in advance,

Stef

 

What you did during the breakup would probably be the way anyone would behave. Is it ideal - no. But that's OK. Don't blame you for what he is doing.

 

From what I read he seems to be treating you with no respect and I don't feel like the relationship meant as much to him.

 

In terms of coping, don't date someone new till you are completely healed. Spent time with friends. Rant to them, on LS, etc. till you are bored just talking about your ex and the relationship. Trust me that does happen and also keep reminding yourself that you didn't mean as much to your ex (if not nothing). Accept that. That's the closure.

[Stefanie]

What you did during the breakup would probably be the way anyone would behave. Is it ideal - no. But that's OK. Don't blame you for what he is doing.

 

From what I read he seems to be treating you with no respect and I don't feel like the relationship meant as much to him.

 

In terms of coping, don't date someone new till you are completely healed. Spent time with friends. Rant to them, on LS, etc. till you are bored just talking about your ex and the relationship. Trust me that does happen and also keep reminding yourself that you didn't mean as much to your ex (if not nothing). Accept that. That's the closure.

 

I appreciate your input. Yes, he treats me with little to no respect right now. And I know I don't deserve it. He was never like that before and the relationship was very serious until the BU. I guess I'm just still waiting for him to open his eyes because this isn't who he is.

 

He's not big on showing emotion and I guess that's his coping method while I'm the complete opposite. I think because we never actually got any space, the tension just keeps rising. We're on really different pages now.

 

I'm waiting for the moment I'm tired of talking about it. I've been ranting to my friends for half a year now and I feel no better. I know I don't deserve to be treated the way I am. I'm going to stop trying. Not because I give up, but because he did.

[BC1980]

First, if you attempted suicide, I would suggest therapy and focusing on yourself because you are clearly not fit to be in a relationship with someone else. You have a lot of self help to do first.

 

Second, you have zero chance of getting back together with this guy. You did just about everything wrong when it ended. You begged and pleaded, which made you look weak and needy. You slept with him, and he probably lost all respect for you then.

 

He blocked every avenue of communication he has with you. That is because he doesn't want to talk to you. The simplest answer is usually the correct one. Does it matter why? You could analyze that all day long, and the end result is the same. He does not want to talk to you, and he is blocking you because he feels you may attempt to do so.

 

I would guess it is because you have proven you are unstable by your actions (attempting suicide, begging, sleeping with him). He realizes you are not in a place to be in a relationship with anyone. Look at this objectively. Would you want to be with someone who does these things?

 

I would suggest complete NC and self help. When you have done the necessary work on yourself, then you might consider dating again. Harsh words, but you clearly need to hear them.

[aras]

I appreciate your input. Yes, he treats me with little to no respect right now. And I know I don't deserve it. He was never like that before and the relationship was very serious until the BU. I guess I'm just still waiting for him to open his eyes because this isn't who he is.

 

He's not big on showing emotion and I guess that's his coping method while I'm the complete opposite. I think because we never actually got any space, the tension just keeps rising. We're on really different pages now.

 

I'm waiting for the moment I'm tired of talking about it. I've been ranting to my friends for half a year now and I feel no better. I know I don't deserve to be treated the way I am. I'm going to stop trying. Not because I give up, but because he did.

 

I understand the "He's not big on showing emotion" part. Some people are not capable of being sensitive. He sounds very selfish. Clearly not worth your time thinking about him. Go and have fun with your friends and family. And more importantly, don't respond even if he tries to reach out to you through a mail/ msg etc. If he really cares, he will find a better and more genuine way to get you back.

 

I feel for the pain you are going through. It's difficult to accept that someone who you thought loved you immensely just made you irrelevant in their life. If someone's not able to respect you, they don't deserve to even be in your thoughts. Don't hate him either - hating requires emotional involvement and do you want to keep any residual emotions for someone who treated you that way?

[Calvin's wagon]

Hi.

 

I would like to say first and foremost that you seem like a great person and a great girl, who has been trying her best to deal with so many problems in her life! I really admire that you've been working on yourself and that you been working a job, and doing so many other admirable things! Especially after the suicide attempt (people very close to me have attempted, once even (in a way) in my presence, and for a while after my ex gf broke up with me, I was also starting to think about it.), and I truly am happy to hear that you're doing better! Hugs

 

In addition to what you and others have written (focusing on yourself, finding new friends and hobbies, etc.), I would like to ask a couple of questions:

1. Have you called any support groups for suicide prevention? Or any suicide hotlines? Even if you don't feel like comitting suicide right know, I still think you would benefit greatly from talking to other, experienced people about it! It will make you feel better and help you to not want to do it in the future!

 

2. Have you considered individual counselling (perhaps find free individual counselling)? I have been doing it for years and it has helped greatly!

 

3. Have you been reading any books about positive self-image or any other psychology/self-help groups? (for example book called Toxic Parents, and there are many other books).

 

4. Have you been talking and getting support from your friends and family?

 

If you want help finding support groups, ind. counselling, books etc., we can try to help you find links and books online, if you want us?

 

Also, I think how you acted was quite normal, and nothing to be ashamed about! You mentioned something about him being angry for how you acted after the break-up -> I don't think he has any reason to be angry, on the contrary -> you have a lot of reasons to be angry at him!!! It made me really angry to read how he treated you, especially the part where he continued to use you after BU for sex etc., knowing how you felt about him! And after getting sex from you, when he didn't need it anymore (because he met this new girl), he blocked you, even though he has hurt you! and even though he knew what you were going through (suicide, family problems etc.)!

 

 

He doesn't seem all that great to me. And you seem like a really great girl&person, sweet, smart, hard-working, romantic, ..., who is doing her best to have a great life and be happy, even though you've been forced to deal with family issues and an ex boyfriend who, after BU, used you and then blocked you when you need his support (as a friend). And you're trying to work on yourself!

 

I don't want to be rude to him, but I really think from what you've written you seem like an amazing girl! No matter what he thinks, just bear in mind that you are great and that you will learn to be happy, with or without him, with someone else or by yourself, and that there are many people out there who will like&love you for all the great qualities/characteristics we can see from your posts!

 

It is tough now, I know, but it will get better, just don't give up! Occasionally it might get a bit darker and tougher, but it will get better and you will be happy again!

 

Hope to hear from you soon, hugs!

[PR08]

Lately I've been reading about horoscopes and I learned a lot about myself and him. It turns out we are each other's most compatible signs and gave me a little hope.

 

I know something like Astrology might provide some comfort right now, but don't read too much into things like that.

 

Your best hope is paradoxically to get as much space as you possibly can in your situation. I was in a very similar situation with a previous girlfriend in the sense that I had to be around her every day, and I know just how badly it hurts. Your point about having to hear your ex talk to your colleagues about their new life with someone else brought back some memories I had forgotten about for many years.

 

You just have to fight on and summon up the courage from inside, because it is down there!

 

And please, please talk to someone when you feel bad enough that suicide crosses your mind! I also don't mean 'someone on an internet forum hiding behind a pseudonym', I mean a real person, be it face-to-face or on the phone with a friend or otherwise.

 

Suicide is a long-term solution to a short-term problem.

[Stefanie]

Thanks for the replies. It means a lot to me that people who don't know me personally would support me so much.

 

Yes, I'd seen several GPs when I did have suicidal thoughts and I'm seeing a counsellor on a somewhat regular basis. I can't say I feel it helping too much, but I do keep going because I will accept any form of help right now. I'm no longer thinking about suicide. I completely dropped the idea after the incident for all the reasons people would tell a person not to do it.

 

My family is fairly helpful, but they don't fully understand the fact that some thoughts and feelings can't simply be avoided or forgotten. I can only distract myself for so long before I have panic attacks or break downs. I think it's mainly because everything's so up in the air right now and as someone who is very wary of the future, it feels insecure and unresolved. The only relief I have is knowing that it will get better. When is the bigger problem though.

 

I think a self-esteem issue might be part of the reason I forgive him for everything or feel like I need him so much. I'd rather not read a self-help book. I think I've already realised my weaknesses and flaws myself.

 

I feel like I'm currently just waiting for something better to happen. I've been too unmotivated to initiate any change for myself.

[Leigh 87]

Hey there.

 

You sound like a sweet girl.

 

Look, he fell out of love. That can NEVER change.

 

....If a guy is just not IN love with you, that will NEVER change.

 

Sorry. It is not possible. At all.

 

Given the relationship was only 8 months, he never WAS in love. Sorry, but being IN love does not fake that fast.

 

...................................................

 

Look, break ups plain hurt. So many women get SO close to a guy and it seems like they are SO in love... yet the guy is not actually IN love, and is just swept away in the intense chemistry.

 

It happens every single day.

 

Time will heal.

[Stefanie]

First, if you attempted suicide, I would suggest therapy and focusing on yourself because you are clearly not fit to be in a relationship with someone else. You have a lot of self help to do first.

 

Second, you have zero chance of getting back together with this guy. You did just about everything wrong when it ended. You begged and pleaded, which made you look weak and needy. You slept with him, and he probably lost all respect for you then.

 

He blocked every avenue of communication he has with you. That is because he doesn't want to talk to you. The simplest answer is usually the correct one. Does it matter why? You could analyze that all day long, and the end result is the same. He does not want to talk to you, and he is blocking you because he feels you may attempt to do so.

 

I would guess it is because you have proven you are unstable by your actions (attempting suicide, begging, sleeping with him). He realizes you are not in a place to be in a relationship with anyone. Look at this objectively. Would you want to be with someone who does these things?

 

I would suggest complete NC and self help. When you have done the necessary work on yourself, then you might consider dating again. Harsh words, but you clearly need to hear them.

 

I appreciate your words, though I never said I was interested in being with him or anyone again straight away. Whilst I'm very aware of my problems and seeing to them, I do value his place in my life and mine in his. I am working on myself, clearly. But as an anxiety sufferer thoughts like that do cross my mind.

 

The full situation is more complicated than what I've managed to write in one post, but I think it's a bit of a stretch to say I have absolutely no chance of regaining his trust and respect. Not all men give up on a person because they were vulnerable. Objectively, if I saw anyone acting the way I did, my response would be more relenting. I already acknowledged that my actions were very desperate, but the implications are up to him and not you.

[Mack05]

Stefanie firstly welcome to LS.

 

I know you say "Not all men give up on a person because they were vulnerable" and to a certain extent that is true but that is usally when you have been together years, not months. This to me looks like a 'toxic' union, these kind of whirlwind romances usually are. You have two people with emotional gaps in their lives and they meet (almost like it was written in the stars). For awhile they are happy because these emotional gaps are being temporarily filled (by the other), but this is a false happiness. It's like putting a plaster over a gaping wound. There is nothing emotionally healthy about this bond and it appears your ex recognises this fact.

 

You are struggling right now because you feel your source of happiness is gone. The only way to lead a great life is to recognise and understand that YOU are the best source of your own happiness. I mean if you are not happy then how can you make someone else happy? You can promise all the 'change' you want, but these changes rarely come to pass unless you spend years working on yourself. I did the same thing with an ex before. I promised all the change in the world, but those were empty promises by an emotionally unhealthy man. How can I change when I wasn't even entirely sure what caused the problems in the first place? I thought I did, but when we are sad and we desperately want to happy, we tend to kid ourselves. "Fooling others is a serious business but when you fool yourself it is fatal".

 

This relationship has no chance. Zero. In years to come when you have grown emotionally you will truly understand why. I can see why he left. There is just too much drama in a short space of time. I always stay clear of the people who promise change, because I understand and recognise that real change more often than not takes years and that the people promising 'change' are in some sort of denial.

 

The early relationship stages should be fun and lots of it. They usually are, when you have two emotionally healthy people ready to commit. You need to be truly happy inside on your own before you embark on other relationship. If you are not, then you are doomed to repeat the same mistakes. If you are happy and feel at your best you automatically attract the right partner. An emotionally healthy man can sense a strong in control woman from the other side of the world.

 

I know how hard this is. I've been there, but just obsessing on him and wondering 'what if' solves nothing. He has blocked you from everything. He is telling you that he does not want you in his life going forward. Try to listen to this message and accept his decision. The longer you spend focusing/obsessing on him the longer it will take for you to be happy. The longer it takes for you to be happy, the longer it will take to find the right man for you. Happiness is a journey and sadly it usually doesn't happen in weeks or even months.

 

You need to find the inner strength from somewhere to come back from this, to pick yourself up by the bootstraps. Most of us do, even if we stumble a few times along the way. Try finding your path. This is hard when you feel so low, but if you do something positive everyday and keep doing the right things the path becomes more clear and obvious the more hard work you put in. I wish you well on your journey..

Edited June 18, 2013 by Mack05

[Stefanie]

Thanks for your experienced advice. It's nice to see someone who came out of it and learned a lot.

 

I'm not expecting a quick-fix at all. I'm aware of the fact that it could take years for this damage to repair. I don't fall for people easily and I certainly don't move on any faster. This is the first relationship that has seriously impacted my life and that means something to me, though I'm not sure what. I know that only I control, choose and accept my own happiness and I'm the only one harming myself right now by giving a damn.

 

I've been told numerous times by the health professionals I see that I am a very reasonable person who can view myself objectively. I agree, I am a very empty and unhealthy person right now. That doesn't mean anything I believe right now is necessarily untrue or that I'm 'fooling myself'. I am emotionally-ruled right now, but my practicality does keep me in check. It has been nearly half a year and it's given me time to see what's really wrong.

 

I don't promise anything if I don't mean it. And whether he cares or not, I will regain my inner strength. It does concern me however, that you avoid people who promise change before you can believe it. Not everyone develops at the same speed and you might be missing opportunities.

 

I was in fact in a relationship when I met this man. I was perfectly happy with my life but was lucky enough to find someone who could make me happier. I wasn't always this troubled. None of the drama that occurred post-relationship occurred before he left me. Although I had acted very desperate, I did not choose to have my personal details compromised online or have family members' health at risk. I'm not feeling sorry for myself, I'm just saying that not all people avoid those with drama, especially if it's not necessarily their fault. Strangely, some people crave it.

 

I don't think what I've posted provides a proper context for my situation. I do appreciate everyone's advice, but negative assumptions are being made.

[Mack05]

Stephanie I think everyone has different life experiences and you are not going to agree all the time. When people talk about 'change' it means that there is something wrong in their lives that needs fixing. The need for 'change' usually comes about after a life altering event. A breakup, loss of a loved one, an accident, bad health/health scare, etc etc

 

In my opinion once a person makes a real vow to 'change' because of mistakes made before and during a relationship, that this should be done outside of the confines of a relationship. Reason being, your whole focus should be on one person -> You. I think trying to achieve genuine change whilst being in a relationship is an extremely hard thing to do. I mean can you really turn things inwards in this kind of scenario? I couldn't but that's just me..

 

There is no negative assumption on my part. When you say that "I will regain my inner strength" I for one believe you. The message I want to get across to you is that, its probably best to stay single until you feel back to yourself. The question of this thread is 'Have I messed things up for good'. The answer to that question is this relationship has no future (no matter who messed it up), therefore its best to implement these changes you seek outside of this or any other relationship..

 

I guarentee you many times when you turn things inwards you discover surprising things about yourself, something obvious things that were staring you in the face, but yet couldn't see them. When we are hurting and feeling low we sometimes can't sperate the forrest from the trees. Maybe you are the exception. Maybe you can complete the changes you want to, in the timeframe you expect. I urge you to walk before you try running here..That's all i'm saying..

Edited June 18, 2013 by Mack05

[Stefanie]

Stephanie I think everyone has different life experiences and you are not going to agree all the time. When people talk about 'change' it means that there is something wrong in their lives that needs fixing. The need for 'change' usually comes about after a life altering event. A breakup, loss of a loved one, an accident, bad health/health scare, etc etc

 

In my opinion once a person makes a real vow to 'change' because of mistakes made before and during a relationship, that this should be done outside of the confines of a relationship. Reason being, your whole focus should be on one person -> You. I think trying to achieve genuine change whilst being in a relationship is an extremely hard thing to do.

 

There is no negative assumption on my part. When you say that "I will regain my inner strength" I for one believe you. The message I want to get across to you is that, its probably best to stay single until you feel back to yourself. The question of this thread is 'Have I messed things up for good'. The answer to that question is this relationship has no future (no matter who messed it up), therefore its best to implement these changes you seek outside of this or any other relationship..

 

I do agree with you. I plan on seeing myself improve before being with anyone. I do not want to be in a relationship until then, as I've mentioned. I didn't say whether I expected to be in a romantic relationship with my ex partner though. While it's preferable, I'm more interested in regaining his trust and friendship, which I think I'd be capable of, if I ever saw him again at some point in life.

[Mack05]

I do agree with you. I plan on seeing myself improve before being with anyone. I do not want to be in a relationship until then, as I've mentioned. I didn't say whether I expected to be in a romantic relationship with my ex partner though. While it's preferable, I'm more interested in regaining his trust and friendship, which I think I'd be capable of, if I ever saw him again at some point in life.

 

Pretty later in Victoria right? I used to Live there in my crazy 20's. Good times . PJ O'Briens at Southgate, even better times.

 

I wonder though WHEN you get back to you again (or even the new better you) would you want to be with a guy who fell in love with you quickly and then fell out of Love even quicker? I think you can do a lot better and I think in time you will recognise this too when the rose tinted glasses come off. He ain't all that and I haven't even met the dude.

 

I know these types. I've been with these types. Love you at your best and quit on you at your worst. Fall in Love quickly, fall out of love even quicker. I think we all deserve someone who is there through good and bad. Who knows what the word 'Love' truly entails. These 'johnny come latelys' types don't and its doubtful they ever will.

 

Youtube Kenny Rodgers 'through the years'. You have a FAR better chance of having this kind of Love he sings about, when you are at your best. You are a beautiful young woman, who seems very genuine. Great canvass to work with. You can be anyone you want and be with anyone you want. Just two words needed. Hard work..

Edited June 18, 2013 by Mack05

[Stefanie]

Yup, should be sleeping. But assessments for uni have finished so I don't even care!

 

He probably sounds worse than he really is. I know he ain't perfect. But his self-motivation and practicality suits me. I'm sure the break up was harder on him than it looks. He's a cautious lover like me and I guess whirlwind relationship is an exaggeration. I'm sure he thought about the relationship for a while before breaking it off. Hard for me to accept, but that's his practical side talking. If we hold each other back, then it would only get worse.

 

I can't even imagine being with anyone right now. I'm so emotionally drained. I am afraid I won't feel that instant, strong connection with anyone else though. It was something I hadn't felt with any other partners. I guess that's what chemistry's meant to feel like. Just makes the wait more worthwhile I guess.

[Psaphyre]

Don't ever talk to him and move on. I've tried to kill myself and ended up in a mental health facility, f that, there is NO ONE on this planet worthy enough of me killing myself. Don't date, don't sleep with anyone, just focus on you. You are a beautiful human being made of a soul, a heart, flesh and bone, you're a lot greater than you think you are. Remember that!