This is the last time

[SimonSerenade]

So I tried contacting my ex today, I was upset, I was finding it hard to accept how it ended, I was happy just sending her a message on playstation but she blocked me on there, I wouldn't of known but the vita is wonderful, got fed up of typing on the ps3 controller so switched to the vita and after you send a message from the vita, it appears on the ps3 straight away once it's sent as a received message, I never got the message so I knew i was blocked, that was my last way to contact her other than calling her on the phone.

 

Eventually I did try to contact her on the phone a few times but no answer, so then I reactivated my Facebook account to send her a long message, basically explaining why I rang her that night and acted the way I did and apologed for it, I told her how much she meant to me and how much our time meant to me, basically gave her all the good stuff.

 

That's the last time I ever contact her, I feel I just needed to get those feelings out and express them one final time, I have no regrets about that, it hurt so much to see her Facebook in the process but I felt it had to be done, maybe she'll delete it without reading it, I don't know but it's out there and off my chest and that's what matters, she uploaded a new profile picture and as much as it hurt to see that, she was smiling and it made me happy to see that.

 

I feel I've accepted the break up and come to terms with it, I'm still getting used to not hearing her voice at the end of the day and seeing her infront of me but I'll adjust eventually, my trouble is the image of how it ended, it was a special relationship and it's hard to come to terms with not knowing the rhyme or reasons for the break up, the last time we spoke, it was nasty on her part, it's easy to forgive but not so easy to forget.

 

I have no regrets at how I've been about this break up, I haven't shouted, I haven't named called, pointed fingers or stalked her, yeah I rang her when I was in a moment of desperation but I forgive myself for that, it wasn't about her, I'm only, we can't do everything right all the time, there's far worse things I could of done, she works 10 minutes away from my house and doesn't live too far from me either yet I've kept my distance and never been tempted to go to those extremes, unlike one of her ex boyfriends who climbed in her bed and refused to budge lol all the while broadcasting he was going to her house to have sex with her, so yeah I could of done a lot worse.

 

I don't hate her, I don't resent her, she was the woman I loved and adored, it would be hard to feel anything but good things about her after all she meant to me, I just wasn't what she wanted anymore, the love she had for me wasn't there anymore for whatever reason, she was at a point where commitment wasnt what she wanted in her life, I can't blame her for that, I'm Kay not what she wants in her life anymore, it's enough to know I was something at one point in her life, nobody can take that away from us, she gave me the most amazing year of my life and then some, she picked me up at a time when I really needed someone to come along and see the hardships of life through with me, she did and sacrificed a lot of things for me that nobody else would, I owe a lot to her for that and I have a lot to thank her for in that respect.

 

Right now I have so much inner conflict, as much as she gave me, with the way she ended it, she took a chunk of me away as she left, a big chunk only heart, my pride, my self worth, a lot of things I count on to get through the day and situations like this, the last time I saw her we had a great day together filled with love, happiness and pure closeness so at least I have that, I hope one day she shows up at my door or gives me a call, just to give me some of it back and leaves me with a truly happy memory of her, that's all I hope for.

 

Would I ever want to be with her again?, I won't lie, I would love to start again with all precious problems thrown out of the window, it would be wonderful but that isn't a priority and all hope for that has gone, my only hope out of all the love in my heart is that she stays true to herself and looks after herself and most of all finds the happiness that she's searching for, she deserved nothing less than that, I couldn't give her that but I'm proud because I tried to, im proud because I loved her, I'm proud because I let it be known, I'm proud at how calm and composed I have been with her and though I've contacted her I've maintained my distance and I haven't said anything bad to her, I've done my best to understand her and her decisions, it's not something I like but I'm mature enough to know there's nothing I can do about it, no amount of begging or crying will change her mind so I've refrained, I'm proud i tried so hard for her and I'm proud I always stuck by her side, she was worth it, time spent with her was time well spent and enjoyed, I have no regrets.