SilverLiningGirl Posted June 15, 2013 Posted June 15, 2013 After a little over 11 years of being together and raising his daughter and having our son, I feel like I'm wanting to live a different life. One that only includes me and my son. For almost 5 year but worst over the last year, I've been having problems with my daughter. Being a teenager is one thing but what is going on between us is worst than a regular teenage daughter and mother relationship. She changes the mood in the house and in the relationship that I have with my husband. When she is not around, the mood in the house is relaxed, calm and loving. And when she comes in it's negative and I find myself want to just leave the room to not be around it. I feel guilty for being affectionate and loving to my son and I shouldn't but it so difficult. I've raised her since she was a year and 4 months. She calls me Mommy. Her biological mother calls when she remembers and thinks that it's everyone else fault that she is not in her daughter's life but the real reason is herself, she doesn't know what it to be selfless and sacrifice for your child and she talks bad about me and her father to our daughter. No one is stopping her from being in her daughter's life if she does it 100% without any hidden agenda, just to build a relationship with her but she doesn't get that. She has another daughter and now she is about using her for sympathy and guilt. She doesn't even call my daughter for her birthday or Christmas. When it comes to my husband and I, he calls her out on her behavior on Monday but by Wednesday is excusing it. He says I need to learn how to deal with her and in front of her, argues with me when she is answering back and giving attitude. We move to this block 7 months ago and she already has the reputation on the block by the other kids as a liar, gossip and tattletale, which I hate that others have this opinion of her but as much as we tried to warn her and talk to her about having a good reputation, she seems to think her way is better and unless her dad lets her know she is wrong, she doesn't want to hear she is wrong, but if I mention something that happened so that he can give his opinion, he's on me like I did something wrong, so she keeps doing it. We (my husband and I) can't talk about important things because he can't handle it and he ends up getting upset and starts yelling and name calling even in front of the kids. I'm turned off by both of them and I feel like my son is getting the worst of it because he's growing up like this is normal and it's not and I know it's not. I have tried every which way to remedy this but I'm just at a point of wanting to walk away with my son. We have split up 2 times before for cheating and lying on his part and I know he's not cheating now. I love my family but I feel numb and I'm tired of kidding myself about what I want and what realty is and I have no one to talk to or vent to and I hold it all in. There is so much more but it doesn't mater because I feel like walking away already. I don't want to break-up my family but I don't want to continue like this either....
coaches24 Posted June 15, 2013 Posted June 15, 2013 This likely doesn't help but your step daughters behavior actually has very little to do with you most likely. You are the target of her frustrations yes but really it's just because you are the one there. She is at the age that she really really wants her mom to be there for her. And because her mother is not there she is upset, frustrated, confused and she doesn't know how to deal with her emotions so she acts out towards you because your not the one she wants there. It really isn't a personal thing even though she might make it seem personal. Honestly since you have been there for her for that long I would bet that in a few years when she has learned to come to grips with her moms absence that the two of you could become really close. Eventually she will realize you are not the one she's mad at and she will feel terrible for the way she treated you (as long as you don't make the issues worse). All you can do ( and this is easier said than done) is stay calm when she has her outbursts. Don't argue with her. Be consistent with your expectations and consequences but also learn to ignore things when she makes personal comments aimed to hurt you ( it's a common defense mechanism for teenagers to do that. I get it all the time being a high school teacher). And no matter what she says or does tomorrow is a new day. No matter how mad or upset she made you the day before when you wake up the next day act like nothing happened. Be nice, pleasant etc. Ignore small ride comments that are sure to come and deal with the bigger issues that come up when they happen but always start fresh the next day. Don't drag things out over time. As for your husband I suggest counseling for both of you. Communication is key. He likely doesn't realize how this is effecting you. Even if you have told him he really hasn't figured out the severity. Maybe sit him down and tell him how frustrated you are with things right now and see if he is willing to go to counseling with you to try and learn to communicate better so that he actually hears what you are saying and vice versa. It sounds from your post like you still love your husband but you are fed up with the issues that are happening in your home right now. If he isn't cheating anymore and you have truly forgiven him for his past transgressions then see if you can work through the issues and make changes before you decide to leave is my opinion. After a little over 11 years of being together and raising his daughter and having our son, I feel like I'm wanting to live a different life. One that only includes me and my son. For almost 5 year but worst over the last year, I've been having problems with my daughter. Being a teenager is one thing but what is going on between us is worst than a regular teenage daughter and mother relationship. She changes the mood in the house and in the relationship that I have with my husband. When she is not around, the mood in the house is relaxed, calm and loving. And when she comes in it's negative and I find myself want to just leave the room to not be around it. I feel guilty for being affectionate and loving to my son and I shouldn't but it so difficult. I've raised her since she was a year and 4 months. She calls me Mommy. Her biological mother calls when she remembers and thinks that it's everyone else fault that she is not in her daughter's life but the real reason is herself, she doesn't know what it to be selfless and sacrifice for your child and she talks bad about me and her father to our daughter. No one is stopping her from being in her daughter's life if she does it 100% without any hidden agenda, just to build a relationship with her but she doesn't get that. She has another daughter and now she is about using her for sympathy and guilt. She doesn't even call my daughter for her birthday or Christmas. When it comes to my husband and I, he calls her out on her behavior on Monday but by Wednesday is excusing it. He says I need to learn how to deal with her and in front of her, argues with me when she is answering back and giving attitude. We move to this block 7 months ago and she already has the reputation on the block by the other kids as a liar, gossip and tattletale, which I hate that others have this opinion of her but as much as we tried to warn her and talk to her about having a good reputation, she seems to think her way is better and unless her dad lets her know she is wrong, she doesn't want to hear she is wrong, but if I mention something that happened so that he can give his opinion, he's on me like I did something wrong, so she keeps doing it. We (my husband and I) can't talk about important things because he can't handle it and he ends up getting upset and starts yelling and name calling even in front of the kids. I'm turned off by both of them and I feel like my son is getting the worst of it because he's growing up like this is normal and it's not and I know it's not. I have tried every which way to remedy this but I'm just at a point of wanting to walk away with my son. We have split up 2 times before for cheating and lying on his part and I know he's not cheating now. I love my family but I feel numb and I'm tired of kidding myself about what I want and what realty is and I have no one to talk to or vent to and I hold it all in. There is so much more but it doesn't mater because I feel like walking away already. I don't want to break-up my family but I don't want to continue like this either....
Author SilverLiningGirl Posted June 29, 2013 Author Posted June 29, 2013 Very sound advise. I read it a while ago and have been thinking about it. He won't go to counseling but he needs it more than anyone. I feel like the light in me has dimmed. I'm not interested in being alone with him to watch a movie, let alone be intimate with him. I heard someone once say that the key to a relationship is to be will to change when the other does bc we all change over time. I don't see him changing. I have different goals and wants for me, for our family and he's content do the same thing. As for her, we started to get close and all it took was for her to not want to do something she was asked to do to take 10 steps back in our relationship. I think I'm at the edge ready to give up and walk away. Tired of feeling alone in my home, like we just live at the same address but we're not a family, more like roommates. Maybe it's me wanting more than what I have. Looking back I held on at times bc I didn't want to be seem as a failure, like my parents marriage, unhappy after wasting 17 years and finally divorced. I wonder if this is just for the time being or if this is really how I feel. On one hand, I want to leave and move on with my life but what if this is temporary and I just made it permanent?? I think about my life with just my son to go home too and I'm content and happy thoughts flood my mind. I've done it before and after the shock, hurt and fear went away, I was happy and looked forward to what life had in store for that day. Looked forward to cooking for my son and I, I wonder if that's where I need to be in life, on my own......
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