Girlfriend hot and cold sometimes.... !

[TaraMaiden]

No.

But you need to quit obsessing.

You're only harming yourself.

 

Stop checking, stop focussing.

 

You need to withdraw, and think about yourself, preserving your dignity, and putting yourself first.

[flimflam86]

Thanks for the support Tara, it's much appreciated.

 

I know i'm only harming myself but i'm finding it hard to stop it. I will though as I work through things. I almost lost my mind over the weekend and have been mentally exhausted. I think the idea of her on this holiday has been eating away at me the most. She's home on Thursday so it should ease my mind more then. I know that sounds weird but...

 

I also know that she will be in touch somehow, sometime which doesn't help at all. We work in the same field and i've a work trip scheduled to an event she'll be co-ordinating in the future. It'll be for four days, overnight stays and dinners etc. too. :-(

 

I seriously need to withdraw. Finding it hard as my contracts are thin on the ground right now (sod's law). I also feel that i've already lost my dignity through this by letting it go on as long as it has and I hate myself for that.

[spiderowl]

I'm sorry this has happened to you. Very unpredictable people are usually bad news, especially if they are hurtful with it. You need someone stable, loving and generous, to give you what you obviously want to give to her.

 

I can understand your feelings now as I've been there too. One thing I would say is that if you try to make sense of all this, it will drive you mad. I have had to come to the conclusion - in the past, after hours/days/weeks of agonising over what happened - that some things are never going to make sense because the other person is basically weird and unpredictable. The mind really wants to understand though so it persists in trying until worn out. Try to spare yourself that futile task.

 

Remind yourself that you're a good guy who simply wants a lovely girl to love. You have done nothing wrong, but inadvertently got tangled up with a weirdo. Extricate yourself bit by bit and, when you've recovered, find that lovely girl you deserve.

Edited July 2, 2013 by spiderowl

[flimflam86]

Spiderowl,

 

Thanks for your kind words of support. They really helped right now.

 

This has happened to me before so I'm really worried about my judgement now when it comes to people. I'm just beating myself up as I was sooo cautious for months but when her intentions were made clear, I let myself get more involved and now this.

 

Her text dumping me simply said,

 

'I will miss you but cannot give you what you need right now'.....that was it.

 

No apologies, no nothing (although she did send a semblance of an apology in a short email since). I just can't believe how someone so popular, with so many friends could treat someone this badly, leading them on. I guess with some people it only comes out in relationships. She even made jibes about not having intimacy problems with others and that I had 'labelled' as being a victim after her assault although she knew fine well she used the assault to explain how she'd behaved with me so I gave her another chance.

 

I feel like she simply doesn't care and has forgotten about me after 5 days. Yes, that should obviously tell me something but it hurts and I can't believe I trusted her. I've since found out that one of the excuses she gave for not meeting was a complete fabrication. I feel the whole relationship was a sham now and a lie.

 

I do wish I could press a button and erase the whole thing and i'm beating myself up for wasting time on someone so unworthy. I almost want her to admit she's messed up, to make me feel better but it won't happen. I did tell her before if she every wanted to know me on any level she would have to earn my forgiveness and if she didn't then it confirmed many things for me. However, that was kinda desperate and I doubt she'd add positively to my life even as a 'friend'. She showed no compassion as a friend at the end.

 

Thanks for the advice. I am trying to do what you suggest but it will be a slow process.

[salparadise]

Does it seem she has mental issues Tara? I'm hedging towards that and not mere 'confusion' of feelings.

 

I have thought she's a mental case beginning with the first few paragraphs. There are clues throughout... can't tolerate her own feelings, holding you at arm's length, excuses and more excuses, can't rely on anything she says, blocking/unblocking, teasers designed to unnerve you... people like this exist to make other people miserable. Like Tara said, she'a a mind-phukk. Another name for them is emotional vampires. Cluster B is my guess. Make note of this crap and use it as a filter to completely avoid these people in the future. There is a whole different, beautiful world out there.

[flimflam86]

Salparadise,

 

Thanks for your response. It is also helping me feel better, if that makes any sense!

 

I really don't know what I was thinking. Why did I excuse all of this behaviour away? Sooo stupid. I guess, no matter what i've been through in my life I still trust the words people say but perhaps I shouldn't be so trusting :-( I'm usually a bit of a cynic!

 

She was making me miserable and I insisted we meet up or end it as I couldn't keep going as it was. I had to look up 'cluster B' but it made interesting reading and I can see many behaviours which sync with hers. I was involved in a relationship with someone who i'm sure had BPD years ago so i've been extremely wary since.

 

These behaviours with the current ex only became visible in the last few weeks. I really didn't see them before...I just thought she was being wary, hesitant and wanting me to 'chase' and I was conscious of mis-interpreting some of them due to my sensitivity to the past (which she never saw..I didn't even mention that part of my past).

 

The real heavy stuff only started surfacing as it was getting closer to crunch time for her and that's when I became aware that there could be deeper stuff at play. I'm really annoyed at myself for missing the signs.

 

I know that this isn't the last I will have heard of her.

 

Hopefully i'll re-discover the different world out there, in time. Thanks again, really appreciate it.

[salparadise]

Yes, it makes plenty of sense. When somebody treats you like crap it makes you feel bad, and when you realize it's they who are whacked and you're ok it's consolation. Don't beat yourself up over being treated poorly, just learn the lesson and keep moving forward.

 

You can't run around distrusting people generally because that closes you to possibilities and your social life will atrophy, but on the other hand if you trust too much you may be taken advantage of. Better to trust a bit too much in my opinion. You're ok, really. The trick is to fine tune your antennae while at the same time relaxing and trusting. The hard part is that a finely tuned antennae is often acquired through painful experience.

 

Practice healthy boundaries and expect relationships to be 100 percent reciprocal. Don't mistake attachment for love––they are not the same. If it appears that you have a pattern of attracting or being attracted to these types, then you need to figure it out (they target weak boundaries). Healthy boundaries are are vampire repellant, even better than garlic.

 

Good luck to you. Hope you find an amazing woman who'll cherish you next time around.

[flimflam86]

Hi folks,

 

Thanks for all your support along the way. Just a quick update.

 

My ex basically started to contact me again; you know, the usual, 'I miss you', 'Olive juice'(yeah immature, I know), sexual innuendo etc.

 

I ignored it for a while but finally I made it clear that she should only contact me if she was looking to reconcile, otherwise we should leave it and we shouldn't even be friends (I wasn't even sure I wanted to be with her anymore at that point, anyhow, and doubted she would reconcile so it seemed a safe thing to say).

 

Anyhow, she basically said she'd made mistakes etc. (always by text). Even wondered what I was doing out so late one night!! Checking to see if i'd been with anyone else (I never responded to this stuff simply as she had no right to know). Again, I made it clear that she shouldn't contact me unless she had something clear and concrete to say.

 

You know where this is going....I knew where it was going but still wanted the contact then, just for contact's sake, I think.

 

She said she wanted to speak on the phone about us....one week later...still hadn't happened...We spoke one night but it was all half *ssed from her and the conversation left unfinished...it was never actually finished. She was 'too tired' the next night. I was however, getting messages saying that although she couldn't be in a relationship just now with anyone she didn't want to lose me as a lover, friend etc. The friendship bit? Possibly, maybe. 'Lover'?? We hadn't even slept together properly!!??

 

I responded...again, electronically, saying we should speak on the phone if she wanted to discuss, as adults.

 

I mentioned a few things, un-emotionally and firmly, including the issue about us not meeting (she'd affirmed she wanted to...when she was trying to pull me back in...couldn't wait, didn't want to lose me, didn't want me with other girls...etc. etc.). Then basically didn't mention it again.

 

Trying to find explanations for not talking about meeting, I asked her if she was shy or nervous (as she'd previously told me she was, about her body) due to the fact, she's a little big bigger size-wise. I only mentioned it because she was shy about getting physical in person. I didn't do it in a nasty way and I have experience with that so was very cautious about what I said.

 

I basically said 'I know you're not a size ten, but who is and I find you very attractive as you are, you know this as i've told you enough times...that's how you were when we met and how you are now'. She often refers to herself as having big butt, hips and boobs but not in a negative way. She's proud of them....Anyhow, that was that. She sent me a text saying 'thanks for the emails, they were great and I really am looking forward to speaking to you tonight'...

 

Yes...you know what's coming don't you?

 

She was unavailable as she went out after work (which to me, essentially, meant she wasn't that bothered about having the conversation about what was going on with us, given the circumstances). We did speak on the phone, but as usual...only when she was in bed getting ready to sleep...we were both flirting a bit and it was fine (although as usual she phoned me then said little).

 

Next morning (while I was still asleep) I receive a positive text message thanking me for speaking and it was great etc.....2 hours later (i'm still asleep)...another text message saying 'I can't believe you brought up my weight, how dare you etc. etc.' Seriously! Zero communication in that two hours from me so completely unprompted. I knew she read the emails the day before as she'd mentioned stuff from them.

 

I was very annoyed and at my limits so I basically responded with an email pointing out after seeing my comments about 'size 10', she'd texted me, phoned me etc. with no mention of it whatsoever and all of a sudden the next day it was an issue. Just bizarre. I re-iterated that I found her attractive physically (but stated that it was her behaviour that was very unattractive). I basically produced a list as to what was messed up about her getting upset (I was polite but frank).

 

I was already mostly out of the door in the 'relationship' already so had pulled away alot. I basically said if she continued playing the silly games then I was not prepared to even be a friend to her and we shouldn't be in contact in any capacity.

 

In response, I was called a pr*ck (something no woman has ever called me), there was a jibe about me not being muscled enough (I'm not Arnie but most people say i'm in good shape). I mean, I didn't even insult her about her body, at all.

 

I felt at that point that I had to ensure in any way that I could that she didn't contact me again...so I just wrote to her saying she needed help as her behaviour was abnormal or words to that affect and I didn't want to hear from her again. It hasn't troubled me since, it had to be done like that and I won't regret it.

 

A week later, i've heard nothing. However, she has deleted her recommendations of me on Linkedin (we met through business) etc. I felt that was pretty nasty as it brings things into the professional sphere but would I want her recommending me anyway?

 

She also moved her FB to private but not before posting a quote mentioning 'losers that have left her' and re-posting pic of herself to get people's validation (all pretty insecure and childish). It was extremely tempting to type 'perhaps you should look inward, the guys probably weren't losers, they left as you're mental'. Of course, I didn't although that really bothered me.

 

This is kinda good as it will stop me checking at any future point but it also seems unnecessary as I made zero attempt to contact her and wouldn't have...so i'm wondering what she'll be telling other people about the reason why she's done that. She had mentioned to me before she was being 'stalked' by someone anonymous...why didn't I pay attention to these red flags!!!?

 

It does bother me a bit due to the business connections. I'm concerned now as she's clearly not right in the head but I am also thankful I have escaped. I don't want others thinking ill of me. She is fine in a business capacity but clearly not at the relationship level but they won't know that.

 

It will take time to get over it (even though she would have been poison)...it always does to get used to the gap in a life that someone filled, to whatever extent, but I know 100% that my life would have been hell with her and the relationship was impossible.

 

Thanks for listening.