Girlfriend hot and cold sometimes.... !

[flimflam86]

I had no idea where to post this so I went for the 'general' discussion page.

 

I am looking for some opinions please, any of which would be appreciated. I'm currently in a long distance relationship (a short flight away) but we met first in person. I'm in my late 30s and her; mid 20s and we've been 'together' for 4 months and have met once since our initial meeting (I was on business in her country).

 

Where to begin...When we first started out we both played it pretty cool but things soon became romantic. We kissed when we first met initially and we've built on things romantically since. On our second meeting (it was a short while after the first) we never slept together as she felt awkward and I respected that fully.

 

Most of the getting to know each other has been conducted through the net, phone calls etc. We text a number of times each day and try and speak usually every couple of/few days.

 

The main issue is that she seems to run hot and cold ALOT. I'm talking about some days she's hot for days on end then cold for no reason and others she will literally go from hot to cold within the space of a few hours with no contact in-between so nothing to prompt this. I'm finding it pretty hard to cope with it and it's starting to make me unhappy although I am invested in her alot now. I have been in many relationships and never witnessed this before and really don't know how to approach it. I have in the past called her out on it and said I thought she was playing games....didn't go down well, as you might expect but I was being driven to the limits of my patience!

 

There have also been big issues about meeting again. There are some valid reasons for not meeting (on her part). She had alot on at work..but not all the time, moved house and has some family commitments (mainly parental but nothing huge..just spending time with the family, although she lived with them until v.recently). I feel like i'm making excuses..maybe I am, I no longer know! Thing is we were supposed to meet twice before now and it still hasn't happened. At first I pressured her a bit as I was getting frustrated as she said she loves me, needs me, sees a long-term thing with me so I said 'we need to meet, this is getting ridiculous'.

 

Anyway, one thing led to the next, she said she felt pressured and we 'broke up' shortly afterwards..then started speaking again. She also split with me by text, which I just think is immature. Then a few weeks later she broke up with me again (I didn't mention meeting up after the first time and backed off alot). I gave here space, agreed with the break-up, remained calm etc. I was so fed up at that point, I was starting to move on in my mind as I felt I had no other choice. Her reasons for the break-up were that 'she isn't sure if she can be in any relationship right now as there's alot going on in her life'. What these things are beyond a career job she has not divulged. I do know that there is not another guy on the scene though. As I said, we are in touch almost every evening when she goes to sleep.

 

I didn't make it too easy for her to get back in touch again as I felt I was out of the relationship and I was wasting my time and I had to maintain my dignity. Anyhow, we started speaking after a week and a half (bear in mind we've been together for 4 months) and only recently, normally again, albeit in a much reduced capacity...mainly as i've been busier and not been in situations to contact her but I feel more comfortable with this level of contact until I can establish her intentions.

 

We have not discussed what happened during the split, the previous 'exclusivity' (that she requested) etc. We just started chatting again. She has told me she loves me alot, cares for me and wants us to move forward but I just feel her actions are not reflecting this. She was crying on the phone when she phoned me to get back together but it just seemed to come out of nowhere, I don't think they were crocodile tears. It's obviously more difficult as we are not physically close to each other to gauge body language etc...I felt all I had to go on was the commitment to meet up otherwise there is no relationship (given that she seems to flip-flop alot). She even said to me once that I should give her more attention when she backs off and I told her it doesn't work like that and I have needs to.

 

Anyhow since then things have been running along but I feel a bit anxious as I feel she might just randomly split with me again for no apparent reason. When I now feel her being unaffectionate and talking as a 'friend' I feel i'm waiting for the hammer to fall then next day or even the same day but sometimes she just becomes all affectionate again. I just find it strange and I adjust my behaviour to mirror hers as I don't want to give too much as I feel she backs off when I do, even at her prompting e.g I tell her I love her only after she says it etc...as in the past she seemed to get freaked out when this was said, even by herself. In fact, the other night she said she didn't want me to feel pressured to say I love her. Is she just playing games? I told her I never say it to anyone as I mean it and I take responsibility for it affecting someone's emotions.

 

At the moment she's away on business in the same country as me but she's spending the weekend with her friend getting bridal stuff sorted. I was a bit disappointed again that we couldn't spend even a day together but i was trying to be understanding and adult about it so left it and we agreed to meet next month instead. I did say I wanted to see her and was thinking about a flight the start of this week, spontaneously but she said we'd better wait. However, she phoned me on her first night on business and asked if I could be there the next day. I pointed out that while I wanted to, we'd spoken about it before and decided against it...plus the flights were very pricey then. Again, is she playing games or did she just want me there but knew it wasn't possible?

 

I just don't think we will meet next month as there have been too many excuses. She suggested we meet next month but my instincts just tell me she won't come through for us. I've kind of made it my cut-off point if we don't as I need a girlfriend who's emotionally available, who I actually see and who wants to see me and not just talk about it. Financially the flights are very cheap if bought in advance so money isn't a problem here.

 

I've also been getting some bizarre texts from her when she's been on business. The night before she left on her trip she phoned me. She said she loved me and we had a great chat...First day on the business trip the same although she was talking alot about pregnancy for some reason and about us using protection when we meet!! I just found it strange as we've not set a date yet to even meet.

 

Then last night after the event dinner she was quite drunk and sent me a text saying 'i'm pregnant'. I didn't respond at first as I was out and I also found it bizarre and well, childish really. I responded with '??' and she then said 'i'm glad you didn't fall for that'. I found it all a bit disconcerting. Earlier in the day she said randomly that another delegate looked like a famous film star (a handsome one) etc. and she sometimes talks about the hot doctor she had an appointment with at the hospital etc. These are just examples and I think she's trying to make me jealous or something. I just find it infantile, inappropriate and it seems she's playing games with me or is she just insecure and looking for attention (of which i've given her loads in the past) or really up and down like a yo-yo? I told her I don't tell her about attractive women I come across as I wouldn't want to hurt her in any way or make her feel bad.

 

I really like this girl when she's sweet and she's great but I starting to worry if she's that stable or if she's just being insecure and/or immature.

 

She had a difficult relationship in the past (who hasn't though!) and some stuff happened to her as a kid. She has admitted she gets scared of her feelings but what i'm finding is that when she's emotional with me she backs off the next day. I've even said this is stopping me from being as affectionate as I want to be sometimes. I've also asked her to be responsible for her own feelings so she shouldn't say stuff if I have to deal with the fallout. I've been really patient with her and very supportive, loving and caring but I'm at the point where I'm finding I can't do it anymore unless she adapts her behaviour. I'm finding her behaviour at times de-stabilising for me.

 

How do I deal with her hot and cold though and do readers think it is worth continuing (or at least wait and see what happens next month) or should I just cut my loses now? I'm finding now i'm just letting stuff ride or ignoring things to try and get some momentum but I don't want to end up in the trap where I'm accepting scraps and everything on her terms.

 

Sorry for blathering on but I would appreciate any takes on this and thanks for reading. I just don't know how to approach this with her or how I can be sure what her intentions are....

Edited June 14, 2013 by flimflam86
grammar!

[flimflam86]

Cmon guys and girls....I know it's long and thanks for readin but any replies would be great.I'm sending out an SOS here...I held myself back for a long time but now i'm invested in this,waiting until she told me she loved me first but now the games seem to ne starting....:-S

[TaraMaiden]

TL; DR.

 

Have you actually tried talking to her about her hot-and-cold attitude?

What's at the bottom of it?

Could she have another guy in mind?

Does she have issues you would both be able to work on through counselling?

 

It sounds like hard work, which will only get worse if you actually don't proactively suggest something, and get her to communicate with you.

[flimflam86]

Hi Tara, thanks for responding. Yes, I have spoken to her about her hot and cold behaviour. I did this a while ago. There is no other guy in mind. She still was bruised about her relationship with her ex when we met but she said she'd fully moved on as we got to know each other better. He's now dating someone else and she told me last week I was nothing like him, I listened to her and she could tell me things and confide in me so she saw how much better things can be.

 

We can't attend counselling as we're in different countries, unfortunately. She has had OCD in the past so I don't know if this would affect anything now and her sleep issues are not normal (although she steadfastly says there is no problem). I don't know many mid-20s who fall asleep at the touch of a button, wake up with nightmare regularly and have broken sleep almost every night.

 

She said that she gets stressed out with work and other stuff in her life and she doesn't mean to act hot and cold. The thing is that she won't say what the other things are. She's confided one big thing in me which she says very few people know and I know any stresses she has can't possibly be as 'major' as that. So, i'm wondering if this is true.

 

She also said she gets scared of her feelings for me sometimes and it freaks her out but there's very little I can do about that as I have no control over her feelings. She said recently that she's trying to not over-analyse and keep that in check.

 

Thing is the last few days she's been at a conference. It's not stressful at all and she's been acting like this. She did say that her ex, from the place where the conference is had been in touch as he found out she'd be in town through Facebook (I should probably point out she deleted me from Facebook a while back without me even knowing at first).

 

Anyhow, she's been cold the last few days, 2 word texts, very little info about her days and not asking about mine either. I feel like she's been talking to me as a 'friend' but she has been in touch quite a bit regardless. Sending me photos of her dressed up for nights out etc.

 

Last night she met up with a mutual friend of her ex's on her own. I didn't know she was going out for dinner with him prior to the dinner but i'm not the jealous type so it didn't bother me. She broke the news by sending me the following text afterwards when she was back at the hotel;

 

'Sooo much to tell you. Prob shouldn't though'.

 

I just wrote, 'tell me' and she kept me hanging for 10mins (she was online all the time) before telling me the guy had asked to sleep with her. I didn't react badly, why would I? It did annoy me that she sent a vague message to try and unsettle me before finally telling me after keeping me waiting. I felt this was on purpose or perhaps she was concerned what my reaction would be? I was supportive of her after she said she felt disgusted etc. She asked to call me...i said yes, called her 5mins later but she never answered the phone as she'd fallen asleep. She does have sleep issues though so this has happened before. At first I found it dis-respectful but even when things are going great it happens.

 

Today has been a disaster. She said she hoped I didn't mind about what she told me last night. I said 'no, no problems and if she wanted to talk about it we could'. She responded that I'm 'too sweet'. I changed the subject to ask her when she was meeting her girlfriend for shopping and if she'd buy me a present (kidding). She replied 'dildo?'.'or a ring to complete the circle of love haha' and 'a heart'. I just don't get it, maybe she's teasing but I found those responses weird and hurtful. I asked her 'why are you acting like this?' and she replied 'she was just disappointed but not in you'. I asked how and she sent a smiley face then disappeared.

 

I replied 'have a good time but don't take it out on me.It's nothing to do with me' followed by 'Don't be disappointed in people who don't deserve your energy.If they act like tits. I just bail'. I meant in reference to her ex's mutual friend but I suppose it was a veiled reference to her. Anyway, not heard anything since.

 

I'm getting now that I don't want to switch the internet on my phone on as I don't know what to expect anymore. She's out again tonight and I just think she's been trying to make me jealous recently so although I want to speak to her i don't when she's like this. She's never done this 'jealousy' stuff before!! :-(

 

Any suggestions on how I can get her to communicate with me about this? I mentioned,as I said above, her hot and cold to her before but it's not changing. I know ultimatums are not helpful so is there any other way I can approach this?? I feel I'm good for her and she could be good for me IF we can get over this hot and cold issue. She's going to have it with anyone else she's with and i'm sure most wouldn't be as tolerant as me. I don't want to be a doormat though (i'm normally pretty feisty and don't tolerate crap).

 

Another long one but that's about the whole story. Thanks for reading and any advice is really appreciated!!

[TaraMaiden]

can I be brutally honest?

 

She sounds like a mind-phukk.

 

She's manipulative and is messing with your good nature.

 

I understand that you are of the opinion that you are not a doormat, but sadly - that's what I'm getting.

 

You're bending over backwards to be understanding, cooperative, sympathetic and unpossessive - but all you're actually doing is walking on egg-shells.

 

Every little move she makes you're hesitant, careful and non-communicative - for fear of.... what, exactly?

 

What are you getting out of this relationship?

Where is the benefit or bonus of being with her?

How is this relationship nurturing your emotions and gratifying your needs?

 

Where's your payoff?

Insofar as advantages are concerned, I can't see one.

 

You can't fix her, you know.

You're not her therapist, and even as her BF - that's not YOUR job.

Are you staying because you believe she needs you?

 

That's a pile of crock you know....

 

From what I can see, she's not needing you so much as using you.....

[Cutiepie1976]

Read the OP, but nothing else...

 

She's very ambivalent about you. Hence the hot-cold behavior.

 

She's not playing games, at least not deliberately. She doesn't want a full-blown relationship with you. There's something about you that is attractive and very appealing (maybe the way you treat her, maybe something else), but she doesn't really see you as a boyfriend or partner material. What you have right now works for her, and she doesn't want more than that. I doubt you'll meet more than one more time, if at all.

 

I'm embarrassed to say that's what was behind my behavior when I acted that way in my early/mid-20's. Confronting me, would just get you protests about how much I wanted this too, how strongly I felt, how serious I was. And to a certain extent I was. But the person, although great and wonderful, wasn't what I really wanted. It kept the status quo I wanted while I worked through what it was I did want.

 

You're wasting your time. I would walk away.

[lop98]

She sounds a lot like me when I got myself into a relationship that involved distance and a guy that I felt really intense about. Same relationship that brought me to LS...

 

I'd behave like that, said similar hurtful or sarcastic things, I'd be laughing and then crying, sometimes would go through those two poles several times a day... the craziness was sort of mutual though, he'd play a lot with my insecurities and I always felt stupid and weak. I tried to break up about 5 times but it never worked, it got to a point where he'd just pretend I never broke up, so we'd keep at it.

 

Finally, one time, a mix of elements (I saw something in one of his social networks, he tried to make me jealous, I said something hurtful in return, etc) finally led us to a final breakup. It was hell afterwards, two months of pain and whatnot, and seeing him date someone else.

 

Then I found someone for me and that's where I'm at, I don't even want to remember the way I was with that guy, I had never been like that and now that I'm with someone else, I feel back to my old self... mentally sane, respectful, honest, happy... I was none of that, I couldn't even recognize myself and am still so embarrassed by my behavior even though I apologized weeks later. I can only conclude that either the relationship just wasn't meant to be and we really pushed ourselves into toxic territory to make it work, or, distance relationships are not for some people... I know it wasn't for me.

 

Break it up... in a simple, open manner, but be determined about it so there's no room for more manipulation. If it's meant to be, you guys will get together eventually but right now I think you both need detox and to find freedom elsewhere.

[flimflam86]

Thanks Cutiepie and TaraMaiden for your responses I appreciate you taking the time and I am heeding your words.

 

Cutiepie...yes, I was wondering if it was something deeper seated or not but it doesn't really matter beyond the facts, I guess. She she is acting the way she is whatever the reason. I already told her last time we 'split' that I wasn't prepared to be the 'on hold' guy until someone else comes along. She swore blind I wasn't and she has been very affectionate until this trip she's been on (although she hasn't had the same access to phone etc.).

 

She does talk to me sexually etc. on the phone and so forth. She's not had many partners (about 4) and doesn't do one night stands etc. so I felt that was a big deal to her...trust wise...so i'm not a 'random'.

 

So, do you think it's a maturity/inexperience thing and she doesn't actually know what she wants or she does and i'm just not it? I'm finding it hard to walk away as i've fallen in love with her but rationally I also know there's many 'the ones' out there. :-(

 

TaraMaiden...i'm starting to think that and it appears to be getting worse. I have had experience of this before, once, so i'm very wary of the signs. It's also starting to affect me mentally on days when i'm not feeling on top of it. I also agree that it appears to be plain and simple manipulation. Whether it's due to insecurity or not I don't know but she insisted last time I called her out that she's 'just not like that and a really nice person'.

 

I don't agree i'm a doormat...although it has been crossing my mind as I start to make more concessions...so maybe it's heading that way. I just didn't want to overreact and wanted to be adult about things. I can be sensitive to some stuff so wasn't sure if I was reading it wrongly and that was fogging my mind (which is why I posted here). I guess i'm hesitant as I don't want to kick things off....but i also know it shouldn't be like this in a relationship. I guess I was hoping it was a 'phase'.

 

There is no pay-off anymore, you're right. I used to feel happy, excited all the normal stuff but now that's becoming less and less and be replaced with negatives and uncertainty. I was trying to be strong and ride the storm as I didn't know if she was just 'testing' me and seeing if I could ignore the tests...but that's not me.

 

I know I can't fix her. I've been there once before with someone (i've never gone into this with her) and it ended very,very badly for me so I kinda look for 'signs' of instability more now (again why I posted here). I don't think she 'needs' me but i do think she 'wants' me..but increasingly on her terms. A big red flag for me was when she phoned me up after the break up and it turned out she was masturbating on the phone...I'm all for sex and spontaneity but it was inappropriate and not in line with her 'lack of experience'. So, you think she's just plain using me and if she is, what for? An ego boost etc?

[flimflam86]

Lop98...thanks for your response.

 

Can I ask why you acted that way? Was it just that an LDR didn't suit you or that these things had appeared in other relationships too? I'm glad you're very happy now. :-).

 

I guess I don't want to break it up although currently it's damaging me. Maybe I just need to suck it up and do it. Is it crazy that I still love her? I do know that if I don't see her then there's zero point in continuing, clearly. I'm thinking about waiting until next month to see if she commits to meeting (though I don't expect it at all). She told me she's booked two weeks of work and wanted to meet...has a space for me in her new apartment etc. etc. I know talk is cheap.

 

I actually sent here a text this week saying 'i'm out just now but we can talk later' and she interpreted that as me being 'out' of the relationship, called immediately to make sure that's not what I meant. If she doesn't want me why doesn't she let me go? Ego? Having me around when she needs to talk? This sucks. :-(

 

I should make it clear though that i've not been nasty to her in any way or mainpulative of her...and I haven't been responding to the 'games'.

[lop98]

You're welcome, flim!. Frankly, I don't know, I know that I didn't really want to break up and he learned to figure that out after a couple times. What's funny is that he also once said something similar about having 'out' and I thought he was finally breaking up with me. I knew when he'd do it it'd be definitive. He wasn't though, he was out for food or something like that.

 

It's still too early for me to be able to figure out that relationship... I know it was so intense that it'd make me cry all the time, in my mind it was too good to be true and it hurt me that a proper relationship (seeing each other everyday, etc) would never live up to that. I also craved reassurance... I knew there wasn't someone else, and I knew he was in love, but I also knew he wasn't mine, and if he was and I was unaware, he'd slip away unexpectedly with the distance between us... and that angered me and just kept me devastated, I felt disappointed at myself for allowing the relationship to happen in the first place, I hated being so invested and knowing there would be no painless exit for it, and in my mind he knew it wouldn't last and sometimes I hated him for it. I was screwed in every way you'd look at it, I had fallen in a trap that almost had a "TRAP" sign flashing all around it and I still headed straight to it like an idiot... and by that point I had so many insecurities working against me that I let my fears consume me and just stopped planning on taking the relationship further (visiting him, relocating, anything... I even started looking around for other guys). He broke up (then proceeded to treat me like crap for weeks), but he would've been unable to help me anyways... I really needed out and needed to grow emotionally, and away from him, and that's what I'm working on.

Edited June 16, 2013 by lop98

[TaraMaiden]

I guess I don't want to break it up although currently it's damaging me. Maybe I just need to suck it up and do it.

If the thought of being in this relationship leaves you feeling despondent, heavy, damaged or reluctant (to pick up the phone or log on!!) then there's got to be a serious flaw there... hasn't there...?

You seem to be operating on the damage limitation level... suiting your answers and adapting your behaviour to pour oil on troubled waters....

why should you be doing that?

 

Is it crazy that I still love her? I do know that if I don't see her then there's zero point in continuing, clearly. I'm thinking about waiting until next month to see if she commits to meeting (though I don't expect it at all). She told me she's booked two weeks of work and wanted to meet...has a space for me in her new apartment etc. etc. I know talk is cheap.

I'm wondering if pinning your hopes on an uncertain outcome is healthy, while all this crap is going on this way.... I understand you still love her, but it's a love based on an unknown premise, and what you're desperately hoping will pass, may not come to fruition....

 

I actually sent here a text this week saying 'i'm out just now but we can talk later' and she interpreted that as me being 'out' of the relationship, called immediately to make sure that's not what I meant. If she doesn't want me why doesn't she let me go? Ego? Having me around when she needs to talk? This sucks. :-(

 

You're there for her, when she needs to have you there, but she thinks nothing of leaving you teetering on uncertainty, when you'd like to make plans....I see. Yeah, that works....

 

I should make it clear though that i've not been nasty to her in any way or mainpulative of her...and I haven't been responding to the 'games'.

No, I get that you've been behaving well, and your actions are beyond reproach. But the fact she's playing games at all, is critical though, isn't it?

 

God, you know, I'm sorry, but in your shoes, I know what I'd do now.... and much as it might hurt, I'd make it quick, clean and definite.....

[flimflam86]

TaraMaiden,

 

Thanks for your responses, they've been helpful (and other people's too). Also the kind words helped!

 

In response to your post. Yes, there is a serious flaw. It's not always been like I didn't want to check messages etc until recently. The damage limitation went out the window last night. I didn't speak to her on her last night on business as I was busy (and frankly really annoyed). I did however, say 'we need to talk, it's important'. I then received about 8 texts immediately and 4 phone calls but I never saw them until next day. I didn't want to get into it when enjoying myself and I thought it might do her some good to ruminate on stuff without me being there for her.

 

She was very apologetic but I didn't get sucked it to it beyond, 'let's talk when you get back home'. We spoke at length last night, 10hrs later. She said she understood I wasn't happy about the last few days in particular. I called her out on being hot and cold and she said she never realised she'd done it but now I pointed it out she could.

 

She put it down to her ex being from the place where she was on business and it brought back memories and made her feel weird and she hadn't been intentionally cold. She also apologised profusely for the 'stupid stuff she said. She even admitted she'd said stuff just to get a 'response'. I pointed out that I don't ignore her, it's unnecessary and it's her insecurity.

 

I was firm on her telling me when she's feeling weird in future to explain, as she knows i'm very supportive....kinda hard if she doesn't know she's doing it though (get out clause anyone?). She also confided in me that with the sleep stuff she'd been waking up with panic attacks and said often it was as she felt bad about falling asleep on me (call me a cynic but i'm not sure how much of this is true). Solution? Don't fall asleep on me, call earlier in the evening etc.

 

I was totally prepared to split with her last night and called her out as a last resort...knowing it could go either way. Anyhow, she said she'd 'shape up', loved me etc and was basically doing everything she could to get me back on track; lots of compliments; she loves my voice, I give her goosebumps, I'm a good man, i'm supportive and she wants me etc. etc.

 

I also took the opportunity to point out a condition on me continuing was meeting her next month (it's been 4 months at that point). She agreed we had to plan very soon.

 

Fast forward to today. I mention meeting up and what we discussed last night. She said she could speak on her lunchtime....she didn't. Says she was worried about some of the things spoken about last night and she had alot to say...quickly followed by she was too busy to tell me then. Sound familiar? I said well, since you mentioned it you should say.

 

I then essentially got fairly annoyed as she said, she was so busy she couldn't speak on her lunch (even though SHE suggested we speak an hour prior) and she had a million things to do before her holiday in two weeks and perhaps we should 'take a break or stop communicating in that time and she'd look into meeting later.

 

I kinda lost it a bit (and I don't feel guilty about it...anger is fine when justified and i'm no robot!), as it had been a condition for me on continuing. She checked a number of times last night that I wasn't splitting with her and to me it seems once that threat was over...business as usual..except it's not in my mind.

 

I said there was no excuse anymore for not meeting (me flying to her now at my expense) all she needs is a free weekend and that 'taking a break was unacceptable to me as I am either in or out. No response as I was 'stressing her out'. I basically told her that it was a condition for us being together, I had needs and she's not meeting them if we don't meet and if she didn't then that was it. It's an ultimatum, I know,and they never go down well but i've nothing to lose if she's gone already adn i've no option. I'm not getting my hopes up for another month for her to flip flop and come up with some excuse at the last minute 9happened a few times before). Also, one of the reasons I didn't meet her on her business trip was that she said we'd be better meeting next month as we'd have 'more time'. But even an afternoon and a night is better than no time.

 

Anyhow, thanks for reading.

 

That's where it's at. Her phone is switched off again (probably as she doesn't want to read what I said!) and we may or may not talk tonight but this is a deal breaker for me if we don't get something fixed up this week for next month...it doesn't impact on her time to do that.

 

Why do I still want to see her? Well, I want closure and to see if things will happen or not rather than spin this out indefinitely. I'm really seeing that almost too much damage has been done by her at this point to continue. I can't trust her anymore.

[flimflam86]

Hi all...thanks for reading. The final note in the saga is that we've broken up.

 

She phoned me last night begging for another chance and telling me at length what she loved about me. She appeared to have blocked me on the application we talk on, all day, and then came up with the 'excuse' that her phone died and she'd left her charger at home...yawnnn. I was all set to split with her unless we arranged meeting last night.

 

She kept trying to change the subject by sending me pics of her sex toy and her naked....i've seen this before with someone who was seriously messed up. I'm wondering now how much the abuse she suffered as a kid (I don't know any details) has affected her? Maybe it's lies, who knows? I'm all for friskiness but this is just blatant, inappropriate attention seeking and avoidance. I ignored it and pressed on but it was difficult to...as i've been faithful to her and sexless for 4 months now. :-(

 

When we started speaking a bit she did the old disappearing act. When I asked her where she was she said she was hanging up a curtain rail. I know, I know....I called her out on it and then she started speaking.

 

During the conversation she agreed to meet up next month (using her flight points towards a flight for me...yes, me going to her...:-S) and said she'd check flights today. The last message of the night from her was; 'what we have is special'. It sounds bad but I was thinking at this point i'll be damned if I don't at least get sex out of all of this and a short break. Wrong, I know.

 

You know what's coming next.....

 

This morning I woke up to a text saying;

 

'I hope you slept amazingly well!!'

'I adore you, you're amazing in soo many ways. I'm sorry but I am still in love with my ex (told me two days ago, unprompted that he wasn't a patch on me) and it's not fair to either of us, especially you to continue. Seeing you in my city would be great but after my work trip and us talking about US I realise what sh*t i've put you through and I hate myself for it.(but not enough to have stopped doing it!) You deserve my whole heart and I can't promise that right now.(please hang around waiting!) I do love you but I have to let the other one go completely before moving on and fully loving again. I am sorry for disappointing and hurting you. I never meant to string you along or hurt you.'

 

The comments in bold are obviously me venting!

 

I'd checked this a long time ago as I didn't want to be 'rebound'. I was also out of something when we met which had been a year long but I had no residual feelings for my ex. Every heard of a rebound from a 4 month relationship 8 months later?? I haven't!

 

Her ex split up with her about 8 months ago (after only being with him for 4)....hey wait a minute...same here!! As far as i'm aware he dumped her probably as he was subjected to the same crap. the only time she met him since was as he wanted to meet and used the opportunity to tell her he'd met someone else!

 

She said if I wanted to talk about the split today we could...then immediately blocked me before I could respond (even though I typed 'no' before I realised she'd blocked me).

 

It's a shame she blocked me as I basically told her to never speak to me again and other less friendly things to the same effect. I only did this to ensure she would never contact me again or want to...but as I said she never read any of it so, from experience I know when's she's lonely, sat in her apartment she'll be in touch...probably tonight or very soon. :-( I realise now that she obviously blocked me all day yesterday and then unblocked me when convenient for her to speak...so it will happen again. :-(

 

I have blocked her though, as I genuinely don't want to talk to her again but I hope my anger dissipates and the temptation to unblock her doesn't get too strong. :-( I never block people as I see it as immature but I just want to avoid more head games and hurt.

 

I'm livid about the whole thing mainly because of my ego and my foolishness for not having walked away earlier plus the obvious crappy way i've been treated.

 

So that's the end of the sorry saga....thanks for reading and I thought those who responded should know the outcome in the end! One more thing though. Do any readers think she has mental issues or she's just genuinely confused? I'm starting to believe she has mental problems.

[TaraMaiden]

The best thing I could advise you to do now, if you have the time, is to contact your phone provider/server, and ask them to change your number - by just one digit.

Delete her details, completely, and block every which other way you can.

 

It sounds harsh and very final, but this hasn't exactly been easy or fair on you, has it?

You have to shift focus onto yourself, and make every move towards self-preservation.

If you know you're liable to weaken, then it's the only way you can strengthen your resolve to distance yourself from this 'train-wreck'.

 

By making things difficult/impossible for you - as well as for her....

[flimflam86]

Cheers Tara...it's good to have the support.

 

Well....i've already blocked/deleted her on Skype. She already deleted me on FB ages ago, randomly.

 

She's blocked me on the IM but since i'm typing on here I thought i'd check it quickly (yesss...bad, I know) and it appears she's unblocked me again literally as I type this now (her 'last seen' showed).

 

I need to block her asap before more mind games tonight (I did block her earlier but it's all v.fresh and curiousity got the better of me). I'm sure they'll have a sexual content..any comms from her.

 

Was furious she lied about blocking me yesterday (and for no good reason) but I shouldn't be surprised at this stage. She's untrustworthy and unreliable.

 

She's international so texts/calls are v.expensive buttt you're right, she has contacted me on my normal phone before. I can't really change though it as I need it for work. :-S

 

I shouldn't weaken too much...as I had the misfortune to deal with this situ before years ago (with someone who was a truly professional game player/unhinged) so, I know what to expect...which is why I feel almost certain i've not heard the last of her.

 

No, it's not been fair on me at all...in fact it turned into a nightmare. It's been 4 months of my life I'll never get back. Ok, could be a whole lot worse but still...she is toxic and this is a train wreck.

 

I just feel nothing but contempt for her now, not healthy but it will pass and it's ok for me to feel anger and resentment just now. Hmm...perhaps I should move this to the 'break-up' forum...lol.

 

Does it seem she has mental issues Tara? I'm hedging towards that and not mere 'confusion' of feelings.

 

Thanks once again.

[flimflam86]

..also, do you take payment for 'counselling'?

[flimflam86]

Disenchantedly...a bit harsh really but thanks for your opinion. I split with her today so obviously don't feel tip top.

 

I don't make a habit of dating girls in their 20s but sometimes we can't help the people we fall for.

 

Also, I have dated one 20 something before (when in my 30s) and they were as mature as any woman in their 30s (in fact more mature than a few i've dated or heard about through others experiences).

 

I would think by the age of 26 anyone should have a level of maturity shaped by life experience. I know I did but everyone's different. My longest relationship was when I was in my late 20s/early 30s, her; mid to late 20s and there was no immaturity.

 

My ex has lived in three different countries, has a degree, Masters degree and is a regional manager...so a level of professional and emotional maturity is required for all that....although, as we all know that's not an indicator of how someone will behave in relationships! Some people are more mature than others whatever age. I certainly wouldn't entertain dating anyone younger though.

 

You might have seen from the posts we've already split and I'm not questioning her maturity anymore, she's clearly immature for her age.

 

I am looking for views on whether or not she has other deeper seated issues (i'm just interested out of curiosity)? It won't change the status of the relationship.

[TaraMaiden]

Cheers Tara...it's good to have the support.

 

She's international so texts/calls are v.expensive buttt you're right, she has contacted me on my normal phone before. I can't really change though it as I need it for work. :-S

I actually had to change my phone number - twice - even though I had nearly 120 contacts - for business - on my list.

Don't make excuses. With the technological know-how at our fingertips we have today, this is actually a poor excuse. All you need to do is delete her details, then send out mass texts to your business contacts. If it's business, chances are you also have a lot of email details.... the people who need to know, will take note. Those falling by the wayside, or of no current interest won't be important...

 

Change - your - number.

 

Does it seem she has mental issues Tara? I'm hedging towards that and not mere 'confusion' of feelings.

Who cares?

it doesn't really matter. You're now broken up, so knowing - even hypothetically - is pointless. And trying to pin her behaviour on a specific psychological defect doesn't alter what has happened.

The 'why' is unimportant. Looking for possible reasons is grasping at straws, and desperately trying to find any reason possible, other than maybe she's just made that way.

[flimflam86]

Thanks for all your replies.

 

Turns out that her behaviour was influenced by being assaulted a couple of years ago which has affected how she approaches men in general. It does tie-in with previous stuff that she has mentioned (which didn't make sense on it's own but does to me now). She was overseas and had an insurance payout and she mentioned the police being involved. So, it was connected to the assault (not having her belongings stolen as I thought before). I was as supportive as I could be while saying I was no professional, however, if she is willing to speak to a counsellor again, I would be supportive and I thought it would help her, and by default us (if there is to be any 'us').

 

I do care about her alot and I naturally felt bad for her as well as angry at the guy. She said last year she was advised by a counsellor not to be in a relationship but she said she wants one, as she wants to move on with her life but she just gets scared sometimes. She's never told any partner about the assault until me but she did say her ex said he thought she was playing 'too hard to get'.

 

She told me all this a week after the split and she asked for another chance. It sounds really terrible but at first I questioned why she was telling me all this now but I figured it was crunch time. If feel bad this happened to her but I'm also feel annoyed because some jerk who hurt her in the past is screwing up her chances of a healthy relationship.

 

However, I made it clear that I won't accept any more break-ups unless they are for definite...and if it it happens again I will take it as permanent, and i'm clear on this. I also spoke to her about the 'hot and cold' behaviour and said it doesn't work for me and she would have to regain my trust again.

 

She's been fine since speaking again but it's early days too. I'm trying to address some small imbalances in the relationship. She sent me a message asking where I was today and if I was ok because she hadn't heard from me but it was her who hadn't responded to my last communication last night. Stuff like that just concerns me a bit. I know that probably sounds childish but i'm not going to send new communications with no response to my last. That just seems normal to me for equity and balance in a relationship.

 

She wants to meet up..she raised the meeting up this time. She said she was scared before as she knew she'd get more involved and was afraid to get hurt, but she understands there will be no forward motion without it.

 

Don't really know what to do now. We've spoken about the dates to meet up (only two weeks away and nothing booked) and I left it for her to decide whether 2.5 days is enough or whether to bite the bullet and go for 4.I would normally lead with other girls on this but I don't want to force someone to be with me. She's not mentioned it further the last two days. I feel she needs to lead on this and make me certain she is committed.

 

She's offered to pay for the flight but it is on her turf and I don't mind admitting; I'm a little anxious about it. I'm finding that 'bonzo'; me, is the one looking at flights etc. not her, but although busy at work she's got plenty of social stuff on which is flexible. I do feel if she's genuine about it she should do something about it instead of me flying to her, on her turf, in her apartment having arranged everything, particularly after she broke up with me. Am I wrong in this??

 

The anxiety comes from worrying whether there will be an about-turn between booking and me flying to see her. This has actually happened to me before in the past. I'm not too concerned about how things will be between us when we meet, as I know they'll be fine in person...maybe.

 

Basically, I don't want to get more emotionally invested if she freaks out and changes her mind. I just want to see what happens when we meet and either move on with us or decide she's not for me. I feel I need to check things out. We need to talk in person again...

[TaraMaiden]

God help me....

Sooo much phukking Drama!

 

Tell her you're suspending the relationship (all bets are off) UNTIL she definitely books intense counselling.

She's in no fit state to date anyone - and you are not her therapist, counsellor, carer or crutch.

You can't 'fix' her, she shouldn't want you to, and you shouldn't think your presence in her life, will.

 

This really is just too much like hard work.

You really want to invest all this angst, pain and uncertainty in her?

Why?

Do you feel sorry for her?

 

Her healing is in her hands.

An expert told her she wasn't ready to date yet, but she went against THAT advice - from a trained Counsellor.

 

having a relationship has NOT helped her move on - as has been amply demonstrated.

She may WANT to move on, but mentally, she's not ready for this....

 

I foresee more drama.

 

Just more of the same.

Brace yourself for a bumpy, eventful ride.

This ain't over yet.....

[flimflam86]

Thanks for your reply Tara. Just thought i'd update, before.

 

It did happen 2-3 years ago but I don't have experience of dealing with this. I know I can't do anything, and it is up to a counsellor. Yes, they did tell her a year or so ago that she shouldn't date but how long is the 'forseeable future'? the rest of her life? The counsellor also told her last month that no more sessions were required. Again....I can only take her word for this.

 

It is hard work and I am coping just now but increasingly only just. I'm seeing how she is at the moment but it's too early to say she can maintain her behaviour. If she comes off the rails again then i'm gone.

 

I don't feel sorry for her. I do feel bad for her, now, as no-one deserves to be sexually assualted and I care about her alot. I did before and I do now. Was she like this prior to the assault? I don't know...but she's like this now. She shared a very private thing with me, very few know about, even some of her friends (and I do trust that).

 

The relationship with her ex (the first since it happened), last year, didn't help her move on...true. I don't know why they split but i'm guessing it was the way she was behaving.

 

I don't know if she is mentally ready for this (as you say)...that's the problem. I did ask her if she felt mentally ready and she said she was but admitted there are things she needs to improve. We spoke about her behaviour and she is now aware of all of it (although she probably was before)...but she's now aware that I am too.

 

I also forsee more drama...i'm hoping i'm proven wrong...the very near future will tell. If she can't maintain things steadily, inevitably she'll split with me and that will be that. If it gets too much for me then i'll be left with no choice as I simply just won't be able to do it any longer.

[flimflam86]

Well, the final update is that we broke up again. Yawn.

 

After starting to talk again last weekend she promised she would meet me and said it was what she wanted as well. She seemed to have changed her behaviour a little. She is now off on a girl's weekend and agreed to get flights book before she went. Stressful week at work for her finishing everything off (during which I was very supportive and didn't push her on logistics until yesterday).

 

Came to crunch today. She basically ignored me all day (she was off work before flying to her weekend away tonight). It was the anniversary of my father's death (which she knew about) so I was visiting the cemetery today. Anyhow, got in touch when I got back and she told me she was on the way to the airport. No mention of meeting up. I called her out on it as we were due to meet after she gets back from holiday and friends visiting so clearly, if it was to happen we needed to book.

 

She asked about considering meeting the weekend after we planned (more delays). I said 'yes' then she responded;

 

'baby, can you tell me what you want from me?'.

 

I said I wanted to speak today, as agreed. She blew her top, making out she had a stressful day and said, she;

 

'needed a break from everything. All commitments, work, everything'

 

followed by;

 

'I will miss you but I cannot give you what you need right now'.

 

Not sue what she thinks 'what I need right now' is as we never discussed it. She then promptly blocked me on the application we talk on and disappeared. After sending an email basically asking what the hell happened she emailed me saying;

 

'she felt at times I was looking for love'

 

Not even sure what that means. Doesn't anyone want love in a relationship unless it's just casual sex?? Otherwise why bother? Bizarre. Moreso as she said often she loves me (including last night). She then followed by 'I dreamt of you last night and it was sweet XO'.

 

That's the last i've heard. Really bizarre. Anyway, it all got too much for me and I deserve better. I think with her it's been the challenge as i've not understood why she acts like this. I've never been treated by anyone like this before and I guess, I thought I could win her over. However, I sent her a response as my last communication with a few home truths (not nasty but brutally honest) so I don't expect to hear from her again now.

 

The disappointment of not meeting up was bad enough but she also broke her promise not to break up impulsively and randomly as well so i'm finally done. Beyond the point of ridiculousness.

 

Thanks for all your advice along the ride. Take care.

[TaraMaiden]

Well... take care....

keep us posted or updated about anything you want to mention, in this thread.

But maintain NC in every way possible.

Do not succumb to any temptation to respond to her, should she get in touch with you.

 

Block/delete/deny.

 

And be well.

[flimflam86]

Thanks...and everyone else who responded. :-)

 

I hear you Tara...and we both know that she will be in touch. She'll want her ego fix soon.

 

I might be back on here at that point if it becomes difficult but all of this was starting to put me in a bad place...and I ain't going there.

 

Going to be some lonely times ahead for a while, although that's preferable to mind games. She wasn't the first and she won't be the last, although it obviously sucks.

 

It always irks me how some people can be so out of touch with their own emotions and behaviours. Scary.

 

As a footnote, the therapist who suggested to her that she stay out off relationships...yep, she let it slip the other night this was actually three weeks ago before she finished therapy...not months ago as she previously stated!! Woops!).

 

B/D/D...i'll remember that. You take care too.

[flimflam86]

Hi all,

 

I'm back as I expected I might be.

 

Been really struggling with the break-up since Friday. Well, at first, as I was very angry, I was almost relieved, but now it's all the questioning stuff going through my mind and the disappointment and the last two days have been miserable.

 

It wouldn't have been so bad if she hadn't dumped me on the way to the airport for her girl's holiday but there you go (she immediately blocked me on the application we speak on). A million possibilities have been creeping through my mind, 'I hope she's not picking up guys' and all that sort of stuff. She was in a huge 24 hour party city. I know we're no longer 'together' but stuff like that is preying on my mind.

 

I know she said she's never had a one night stand and I also know how she acted very standoffish sexually, part of the time when we were together, and avoided coming back to mine when we first met (which I wasn't sure I wanted either), but I've lost all trust for her so it's playing on my mind. It would kill me if I knew she rejected meeting me only to hook up with a random guy.

 

I know this is wrong of me but I can't help it. I even wondered if she timed the dumping on purpose to have that effect or if she did it just as she knew she wouldn't have to face it and could forget about it or...simply so she would be single for the weekend. None are good to think about...and i'm sure she knew that too.

 

Anyway....she got in touch with me literally as soon as her mates left the party city on Sunday (she had one night there alone before flying on elsewhere to see another friend).

 

I predicted she might do this and I haven't responded to her email from that night. I did block her on the app we used to speak on but I noticed that she was checking it constantly when alone on the Sunday...and Monday....until....she flew to meet her other mate...then....nothing...Quelle suprise and she appears to have blocked me again (even though I wasn't contacting her!)...no last seen status etc. Again, I shouldn't have even checked (even though she doesn't know I am) but curiousity got the better of me.

 

Crazy though it sounds i've felt lonely since we stopped speaking. I have very few mates here now (most are married and have kids) so I spent the weekend alone. I couldn't help but compare her partying to me sitting at home watching tv like a sad sack! It's a real bar culture here and I don't like going alone as it can be dangerous, at times plus I don't want to look like the billy no mates sitting in the bar alone, drinking. Changed days for me, for sure.

 

Her email started off jokey. I'm not even going to try and interpret that. She then said how she appreciated me researching the options for meeting up. She thanked me for being kind, encouraging and supportive all week and apologised for not speaking on Friday to arrange meeting up.

 

I then had a paragraph full of reasons and apologies for why she couldn't speak on Friday including 'she couldn't speak on the train as it's loud and cuts in and out' (even though we've done this many times before). Seriously. She also said she wasn't pleased about my texts the night before but in them I just encouraged her to go for it and try and put fear aside (look I was losing patience with waiting to get stuff organised before the holiday). There was zero mention of actually having dumped me!!! She then said;

 

We have a couple differences and they really have an effect on how we've handled things. Im not proud or happy about what ended of this and the lack of my engagement; particularly on Friday.

 

Coulda, shoulda, woulda. There was no 'we' in how things were handled. It was her screwing up. She's not 'happy? It was her choice!

 

She then wrote that because she told me about the sexual assault I had freaked out and acted differently with her! She actually only told me about it to explain her behaviour the week before and ask for another chance based upon it!! I never knew about it before. I only acted differently as I told her the only way to progress was to meet up and she avoided it all week...so I was, naturally, stand-offish. How can somebody simply not understand this?

 

She also said;

 

You were still very considerate (about her feelings re the assault)but also a bit too much; yes it happened but no; it doesn't always interfere with my intimate life

 

I just didn't even know what that meant?? I'd made it clear i'd hoped we might be intimate when meeting. Followed by;

 

There are so many things I wish I could change in our history; and I wish you feel the same way.

 

It's just frustrating when she, as an adult in control of her own mind and choices (apparently) could have changed stuff before or as it was happening. Look, I know she didn't want to but I hate lies and double talk. I'm also annoyed as there was nothing more I could have done to make it work, although I feel that she's intimated differently here. Maybe i'm reading too much into it and it's just blah, blah. Then;

 

I still think of quirky things I want to tell you and things I want us to do/see/experience together but I know I can't and I know we won't.

 

Again, frustrating and totally thoughtless...it seems like she is trying to elicit a response, 'no,no baby, it's fine we can still do all these things' and reach out. I didn't need to know this. She knows that what I wanted to happen.

 

I'm so disappointed that she's not the person who I thought she was. I'm also disappointed in myself for falling into this and falling in love with her only to have the games start when I was sucked in. It did take a few months for me to be 100%. I was cautious but I obviously need to check my calibrations again!

 

I just feel that if this was an attempt at any sort of sincere apology it was lacking and it's contradictory and not straight with me.

 

I feel she was looking for forgiveness or something. I really don't know. I'm not so annoyed about it, as I should have blocked her, but I am finding it very hard to do so.

 

I'm more annoyed purely about what happened on Friday and since. I still can't believe she blanked me for two days immediately after dumping me by text. I really never expected her to do that or be able to do it. I would never dream of doing that to someone I had been on one date with nevermind after 5 months involvement. Am I just old fashioned??