desertsessions Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 My ex is down here this weekend and sent me a message saying she would love to say hi. I'm totally fine with being friends with her, since i do care about her. I'm a little reluctant to though, since she has a boyfriend, and I'm her ex. It feels a little weird, because I would feel a little uncomfortable if I had a girlfriend, and she wanted to catch up with an ex-boyfriend. I don't know anything about her current boyfriend, and I don't know if her saying hi to me would make him uncomfortable or not. I don't really know what to do? I do want to catch up, but I don't want to make her current boyfriend uncomfortable. I'm sure she's brought it up to him, but maybe she hasn't? I actually can't this weekend because I have to work all weekend, and have a project to finish with someone. I'm thinking of saying maybe next month or something though, when I'm down around her area. Am I wrong for feeling kind of guilty? I know for a fact when she's in a relationship, she puts in 110% to make sure her significant other is happy. So I know she just wants to be friends, but why do I feel guilty about it... am I being silly?
Author desertsessions Posted June 14, 2013 Author Posted June 14, 2013 (edited) I should also note, she broke up with me in February of 2010. So it's been 3 1/2 years since we've hung out in anyway. I begged her for 6 months to think about her decision, because I was an absolute wreck back then. Which basically pushed her in September 2010 to say... she thinks it's best if we don't talk anymore, deleted me from Facebook, and that was that. She sent one message a couple months after asking if she could get her stuff back, I was still a wreck at that time and actually ignored her, and said no... and that point she blocks me on facebook. A year later, I see she unblocked me from facebook because she started popping up in my news feed again. In May, 2012 I was starting to come around, and feeling better, plus wanting to take a more positive perspective on life. So I sent her a short message on fb saying I sent her stuff. I think she was still a bit angry at me because she respond with a thanks, but it was short and brief. I was okay with that... after all, I was a jerk. August 2012 I actually ran into her for the first time since we broke up. She came up and thanked me again for sending her stuff, I gave her a hug and said sorry for being a jerk, kept it brief, and walked off. February 2013 I get a friend request. 2 months later get a message, saying she would like to catch up sometime, and just making small talk with me. 2 months from there I get this message saying she'd like to say hi this weekend. So it's been a long road with this girl you could say. Edited June 14, 2013 by desertsessions
Jono85 Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 honestly, what's the point? to catch up, and then realize she's still unavailable and will never be a part of your life again? i don't know. i just think these types of contacts have very minimal upside, and a ton of downside. i'd just tell her politely that you're super busy, and another time. and then just don't reach out for that other time.. she's got a boyfriend. i doubt you even realize it, or maybe you do, but there is still a flame in there somewhere that wants things to work out. that is the only motivation imo for wanting to catch up. if crystal balls existed, and it was fact that she would spend the rest of her life with this boyfriend and continue to be in love with him, etc, would you still care to meet up? i bet not. i don't know, i haven't been put in that situation, but i have dealt with the extreme pain it sounds like you dealt with and having your ex just basically cut you off cold-turkey and move on. i think everyone has that right, to break up with someone and never look back, but it doesn't make it easier on us dumpees who feel a bit betrayed (i did anyhow). so i just don't see the point; this person didn't want to be in your life anymore. just leave it that way. edit: i just quickly scanned your recent threads. lol, you're way not over her yet. this is a dumb idea.
Author desertsessions Posted June 14, 2013 Author Posted June 14, 2013 (edited) I'd be in complete denial if I said I was 100% over her. The one and only reason why I am overlooking the fact that she dumped me and went cold turkey is because it was completely justified. I wasn't in any position to even be dating anyone back then, I got completely complacent with our relationship, and honestly quite jealous over nothing. I was mean at times, and pretty immature mostly. I completely understand why she broke up with me. I honestly thought she'd never talk to me again after all the crap I put her through. I'm guessing because I actually sent her stuff back, she's maybe thinking I'm trying to be more positive about things, and that has her thinking she should be more positive about things too. I still to this day feel terrible about it all, and am honestly kind of confused as to why she is trying to forgive me for all of that stuff. She truly is an amazing human being. We have actually been getting a long well while talking, and I do miss hanging out with her. I will always care about her and that's the truth... I know I can't deny that. I just don't see how so many of you guys can classify something like this as danger and to stay away. Isn't it good that two people who held negativity towards each other, can overcome that and become friends? If I ever felt I was getting to the point of feeling affection for her again, I would just tell her strait up, I can't hang out with her because of it. I think that would be better than lying to her saying I will hangout out at some point and just never doing it. I feel that's pretty rude to be honest. I guess I'm so against any kind of lies or rude tendencies towards her because that's all I was before. I want to be 100% honest with her in every way. Edited June 14, 2013 by desertsessions
Jono85 Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 I'd be in complete denial if I said I was 100% over her. The one and only reason why I am overlooking the fact that she dumped me and went cold turkey is because it was completely justified. I wasn't in any position to even be dating anyone back then, I got completely complacent with our relationship, and honestly quite jealous over nothing. I was mean at times, and pretty immature mostly. I completely understand why she broke up with me. I honestly thought she'd never talk to me again after all the crap I put her through. I'm guessing because I actually sent her stuff back, she's maybe thinking I'm trying to be more positive about things, and that has her thinking she should be more positive about things too. I still to this day feel terrible about it all, and am honestly kind of confused as to why she is trying to forgive me for all of that stuff. She truly is an amazing human being. We have actually been getting a long well while talking, and I do miss hanging out with her. I will always care about her and that's the truth... I know I can't deny that. I just don't see how so many of you guys can classify something like this as danger and to stay away. Isn't it good that two people who held negativity towards each other, can overcome that and become friends? If I ever felt I was getting to the point of feeling affection for her again, I would just tell her strait up, I can't hang out with her because of it. I think that would be better than lying to her saying I will hangout out at some point and just never doing it. I feel that's pretty rude to be honest. I guess I'm so against any kind of lies or rude tendencies towards her because that's all I was before. dude just look at the titles of all your last threads. you've never gotten over her. you're in serious denial. if you want to get crushed all over again, and continue making threads on LS for the next 2.5 years how you can feel the universe wants you and your ex back together, then go for it. truth is, you're going to do what you want and our advice means nothing. but from an outside perspective, it seems clear you're not even close to being ready for this. people who are "over" exes don't continue making threads about them for years. when you've met some other girl and fall in love with her and stop thinking about your ex, maybe then it's not the worst idea. but this is just you in denial and willing to propose any excuse/reason you can (isn't it great for us to be on good terms? why is this bad?) to justify seeing her again. this will never end man unless you stop. do you really want to be on these boards in 3 years time, in the same spot?? the choise is yours. good luck.
inaya42 Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 i don't think you should meet up with her. if she didn't have a boyfriend, then it would be fine. you could go and feel your feelings, be warm, expressive and friendly. you could catch up as people who once loved each other. but the boyfriend really puts a damper on things. she's fully unavailable to you, and you still have feelings for her. don't put yourself in (emotional) harm's way...
marqueemoon4 Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 I'd agree with what others are saying.. this seems like high risk/low reward. Sorry if I missed it but how do you know she has a bf?
Author desertsessions Posted June 15, 2013 Author Posted June 15, 2013 I know she has a boyfriend because facebook tells everybody everything haha. I think she's just being friendly, nobody likes holding grudges. Maybe things aren't going so well with her current relationship, but that's none of my business. I decided not to anyways, I feel it's a bit inappropriate. I'll probably see her in the summer time since we go to a few of the same festivals, and I can say hi to her there. Friendly, but limited contact is probably the best thing for now.
Jono85 Posted June 15, 2013 Posted June 15, 2013 good decision. i think until you find someone else who you develop strong feelings for, you should keep this ex a part of your past. it's just not worth the risk of what it could do to you.
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