prettygirl88 Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 So, we dated for two months 3 years ago, then he decided I "wasn't his type". Then, because I hadn't had sex in a year and was lonely, I decided to have sex with him, with no intentions of forming a romantic relationship. He decided to "blow me away" and take me to a $300 a night hotel room. Before sex, he took me to a nice restaurant and a bar (we only had 1-2 drinks) because "it can't just be sex all day". So, what was supposed to be a booty call, felt more like a couple's getaway, which left me confused. He said he was trying to figure out what he wanted to do... Fast forward to now, we are just friends because I stopped having sex with him (want more). The issue is, he says he doesn't want a relationship, but acts like he does, which is annoying. Even the way he gazes at me(my eyes), and doesn't look away when I catch him staring. He's also a bit passive-aggressive I guess you can say. Like, we got in an argument via text, and he told me to lose his # and said I'd notice he doesn't contact me. Two days later he texted me: him:im moving just so u kno me: so...u wanna see me again? (I know I shouldnt've said that) him:idk just thought Id tell u but Im havin a party next week. u can come if u want me: have a nice life him: ill try. u do the same since I kno u wont come out to celebrate me: *didn't reply wtf was that? Then a few months earlier, he told me to lose his #, again, after I declined to be a **** buddy, and I said ok lol. The next day he texted him:so that's it then huh me: that's what u said isn't it him:I don't get why u hate me Seriously? Although I wanted/want a relationship, I was willing to compromise with just friends, but I don't know what to do. I ask myself is he still confused about what he wants relationship-wise, or is he just unsure if can be friends with no sex. Also, there's been times where I ignore his texts, and he'll be like "I guess we're not cool anymore" or "I thought we were friends. ok. I won't wont bother u anymore. ill delete ur #" or "ouch" lol
InsaneTrombone Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 Tbh, he's either really screwed up in the head being all wishy-washy, or more likely, he wants more sex from you. That's my opinion as another guy.
NoMoreJerks Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 he says he doesn't want a relationship, but acts like he doesWelcome to FWB territory. You'll be in for a long, crazy ride, unless you kick this one to the curb. 1
NoMoreJerks Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 He's also a bit passive-aggressive I guess you can say. Like, we got in an argument via text, and he told me to lose his # Sorry, I meant to say, welcome to narcissistic commitmentphobe and FWB territory. 1
Author prettygirl88 Posted June 14, 2013 Author Posted June 14, 2013 He might want more sex, but we haven't had sex in 7 months, so to me we're just friends. He's not getting any unless he gives me what I want. Yes, he is passive-aggressive which has kept me confused. I guess I'm just gonna continue ignoring him.
Adele0908 Posted June 15, 2013 Posted June 15, 2013 Interesting story. To me it looks like he wants a girlfriend or someone that can play the girlfriend "role". But he isn't sure about you. It looks like you pose a challenge to him, and he is attracted to that. The challenge being that you don't want a relationship with him. He might be used to women chasing him. Lots of desperate women out there. The passive aggressiveness on his part could be him getting mad that you aren't chasing him. I dated a few guys like this before. Its not a terrible situation but it could get annoying. Well more annoying than it already is. You seem pretty assertive already, so you might be strong enough to handle someone like this. You will have to set boundaries with him and assert your needs/desires/wishes frequently. Have fun!
daisybuchanan55 Posted June 15, 2013 Posted June 15, 2013 He's definitely immature. Then again, so are you. You're both being passive-aggressive. You both have walls up. You're both afraid of being hurt. NOTHING in your demeanor/texts suggests you would like "more" with him. If you really like him, you might as well come and say your intentions. Next time you talk be honest. "Look, I am sick of all this passive-aggressive back and forth. I don't want to do FWB anymore and I'm sorry if I gave you that impression. If you want to try regular dating I'm open because I like you. Otherwise, good luck with everything." You being straightforward may be what's needed to take this relationship past immature FWB to actual relationship. If he rejects you, nothing lost, right? At least then you can move on to someone who will give you what you want.
shexy Posted June 15, 2013 Posted June 15, 2013 I would probably just not reply to his weirdo texts anymore. He doesn't really seem to want a relationship with you, probably just to hook up whenver he's bored.
Keenly Posted June 15, 2013 Posted June 15, 2013 Wait a second, I see you being passive aggressive with your "have a nice life " text.
Tinie Posted June 15, 2013 Posted June 15, 2013 It's almost like he wants to be with you but he's stopping himself. I don't know if this helps, but usually I become passive-aggressive to someone I have feelings for, but I know they don't feel the same way about me. My passive-aggressiveness is a way of testing whether or not they'll convince me that I'm right or wrong about how they feel about me. Maybe he doesn't think he's good enough.
D-Lish Posted June 15, 2013 Posted June 15, 2013 I think we've all been there, waiting around for someone to make up their mind about us, putting up with crappy behaviour because we hold on to hope that they are going to miraculously realize we're fantastic and take the next step. The truth is, the best thing you can do for yourself is to cut this guy loose. You're not being kind to yourself by waiting for a guy that isn't actively pursuing you. When a guy truly likes and respects you, he won't play games, and he'll make an effort to be with you. Quite frankly, you should demand that for yourself- and a guy that doesn't show you the respect you deserve should be an immediate deal breaker. People will treat you how you allow them to treat you. Set the bar higher for yourself and move on to someone that is going to treat you well, someone that shows you in words and actions that they have genuine feelings for you. Accepting anything less shouldn't be an option. 1
tbf Posted June 15, 2013 Posted June 15, 2013 The issue is, he says he doesn't want a relationshipThis is all that matters unless he expresses differently. From what you've described, he sounds attracted and enjoys the sex. Nowhere does he express his desire for a relationship or any strong romantic feelings. Move on.
Author prettygirl88 Posted June 15, 2013 Author Posted June 15, 2013 (edited) 1. Yes, I realize I have also been passive-aggressive 2. He does know I want a relationship, but has said he didn't have time for a gf 3. We haven't had sex in 7 months because I stopped it, so we are not fwb. 4. I'm not fantasizing/romanticizing anything. He said he doesn't want a relationship, I get that. What I don't get is why he pushes/pulls. I believe him that he doesn't want a relationship, but I don't feel it's because he doesn't have feelings for me. He didn't say it, but part of the problem is he's white and I'm black. He's the one who approached me, and neither of us had been outside our race, which I don't care one bit, but I don't think he can handle it. His friends kind of made fun of him a bit, and he seemed uncomfortable. After that is when he broke it off. I don't feel his friends are racist though, as I've been around them multiple times and they were cool, and I think they didn't realize the effect of their words. Sometimes people say things that are offensive, but to them it's just in good fun and means no harm. But, sometimes it's hard to tell the difference between a joke and an insult when talking about a specific race/ethnicity. With that said, if this is the case, I wish he was mature enough to not care. Edited June 15, 2013 by prettygirl88
Author prettygirl88 Posted June 15, 2013 Author Posted June 15, 2013 And Tinie, that's what I've been feeling, but trying not to tell myself. I don't feel he doesn't think he's good enough though. I'll say this though. The eyes never lie, to quote Tony Montana(Scarface). I can see it in his eyes, but nothing I can do about it if he doesn't want to act on it.
D-Lish Posted June 15, 2013 Posted June 15, 2013 1. Yes, I realize I have also been passive-aggressive 2. He does know I want a relationship, but has said he didn't have time for a gf 3. We haven't had sex in 7 months because I stopped it, so we are not fwb. 4. I'm not fantasizing/romanticizing anything. He said he doesn't want a relationship, I get that. What I don't get is why he pushes/pulls. I believe him that he doesn't want a relationship, but I don't feel it's because he doesn't have feelings for me. He didn't say it, but part of the problem is he's white and I'm black. He's the one who approached me, and neither of us had been outside our race, which I don't care one bit, but I don't think he can handle it. His friends kind of made fun of him a bit, and he seemed uncomfortable. After that is when he broke it off. I don't feel his friends are racist though, as I've been around them multiple times and they were cool, and I think they didn't realize the effect of their words. Sometimes people say things that are offensive, but to them it's just in good fun and means no harm. But, sometimes it's hard to tell the difference between a joke and an insult when talking about a specific race/ethnicity. With that said, if this is the case, I wish he was mature enough to not care. Nothing else should matter to you besides the bolded parts. When a guy isn't treating you like he's "into" you- you owe it to yourself to walk away. "I'm not looking for a relationship" is code for "I don't want a relationship with YOU".... That should be all you need to know to cast this guy aside in favour of someone who DOES want a relationship with you.
blueskyday Posted June 15, 2013 Posted June 15, 2013 Just cruise. Don't make excuses for him. Whatever the reason, he's not emotionally available for a relationship. I think he'd be up (pun intended!) for sex, however. I've been involved with guys like this. Huge time suck! Ask yourself: Don't I want a guy who would be afraid of having a relationship and would do it anyway because I'm worth it? Heck, yes, you would! Move on. He may "magically" be ready for a relationship if you require that. If he doesn't, then that's ok. It has to work for both people. Don't engage in those crazy text conversations. Just cut them off with an "I understand." Or say "Call me." Require grown up behavior in a calm assertive manner. So many great men out there! Don't waste time on guys like this. Be compassionate, but think "This doesn't work for me." Then you will know what to do, which mat include saying that to him and dating someone else. You are the prize, sweetie. Keep that in mind!
blueskyday Posted June 15, 2013 Posted June 15, 2013 Just cruise. Don't make excuses for him. Whatever the reason, he's not emotionally available for a relationship. I think he'd be up (pun intended!) for sex, however. I've been involved with guys like this. Huge time suck! Ask yourself: Don't I want a guy who would be afraid of having a relationship and would do it anyway because I'm worth it? Heck, yes, you would! Move on. He may "magically" be ready for a relationship if you require that. If he doesn't, then that's ok. It has to work for both people. Don't engage in those crazy text conversations. Just cut them off with an "I understand." Or say "Call me." Require grown up behavior in a calm assertive manner. So many great men out there! Don't waste time on guys like this. Be compassionate, but think "This doesn't work for me." Then you will know what to do, which may include saying that to him and dating someone else. You are the prize, sweetie. Keep that in mind!
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