Andrew77 Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 (edited) I come here in desperate need of help and advice. First, a little bit of history about us, which I think it is very important for our situation. I must mention that I’m 35 and my wife is 26. We met on internet, on Dc++, in 2005. She is Brazilian, and I’m Romanian. We used to talk a lot, and soon we became great friends. She used to tell me everything happened to her and I told her as well all that was going on in my life. Soon, I fell in love with her, totally and unconditioned. It took me almost 3 years to convince her to give me a chance to meet her. She was a bit of a troubled girl, she didn’t believed in love and she used to call it a ''weakness''. She also came from a troubled family, with her mom an alcoholic and her father ignoring everybody and making huge scandals. Her parents used to fight alot, and her mother used to beat her with a belt. When I finally convinced her to meet me, at the end of 2007, she came to Romania. First, we lived some time with my mother which had a big house, until we decided to move and rent an apartment. We also married after 1 year, for her to be allowed to stay in here without problems. We were very happy together, and we felt this the first second we met, and we were a perfect match as a couple. We both liked to play games, we had no serious fights or problems, and we couldn’t get enough of each other. We never spent more than 1 day apart. We stayed 2 years in that apartment, but in 2011 we decided to move to Brazil. She didn’t want to move back there but I dint knew that at time. I only knew she liked to live in Romania. She never told me she didn’t want to move back there. Count in here her problems with her mother and father and her worries about getting back in there. Anyway, we moved there mainly due to money issues, which I guess made her not to tell me about her worries of moving in there. I quit my job and didn’t find a new one, and she had troubles finding a job in Romania. We lived in Brazil for one year, time in which she started working at her mother's clinic. I didn’t had a working card so I couldn’t work, and that troubled me alot. We lived in her father's house. Her father and mother separated some time ago, but they are practically neighbors now, their houses in very close proximity. Her mother's clinic is also there, so she only had to walk like 30 meters to go to work. We always had troubles with money after leaving Romania, but that was never a big issue. We had each other and we were happy with it. The thing started this year, when I had to go back to Romania in April. My grandmother was given a wrong diagnostic, and I thought she will die. Was a false alarm, but I had to stay there for 2 months. Time in which I talked with my wife on Skype everyday. She started to tell me she is very stressed at work, and she would cry often in there due to the amount of workload. We both missed eachother alot, and we couldn’t wait to be together again. She told me she used to feel very bad, and this was amplified by me not being there with her. I was worried about this, very worried, and I had plans of getting that Working permit faster so I would work instead of her. In May I went back to Brazil and she was very happy to see me. We both cried at the airport and I felt so happy to be there again. We were so happy to be together again. We planned to go in a vacation soon after I went back, and my wife even made reservations in advance. She wanted to take 1 month of paid vacation for us to have some more time with eachother. (We also had a problem with sex, she wasn’t too much into it, and I accepted that, I was happy with her and we have done random stuff that she enjoyed, but never felt like sex was too important for our marriage) Things went bad 3 days after my arrival there. We were watching TV and she started crying. I had a bad feeling and asked her about it. Soon, she told me she doesn’t love me as a man anymore, but as a friend, and she only realized this after I went to Romania. She started to feel this a bit while in the past (in 2012 actually), but she thought it will go away, she was happy and she didn’t told me anything about it. But this got worse once we moved to Brazil. I have to say again that I didn’t knew she doesn’t want to move to Brazil. After she told me she wants to separate, I stayed one more week in there in Brazil, trying to convince her to go to a marriage counselor, or to let me make her love me again as a man. I couldn’t convince her. I have to mention she is very stubborn, and she never wanted to talk alot about this, just that she knows there is no fix for it and separation is the only solution. She wanted us to remain friends. Also, she doesn’t talk these things with her mother or father (they don’t talk emotional stuff in her family) so we didn’t had any advice, any help from the outside. I love my wife so much that I feel that my life will end. I cannot breath without her, I need her like I need air. And it just kills inside me to see all our plans, all our dreams going to dust. We both always said that we will grow old together, and there was nothing to change that. So, I went back to Romania with a broken heart, hurt, confused, and with a love for her that can’t be even described. I am totally unhappy here, and I can’t enjoy anything. I cringe for her every second and every second spent in here is a nightmare, away from her. I am in desperate need of some advice, as I want to get her back or at least to be given an opportunity to make her change her mind. Soon after I left she told me she misses me a bunch and she hurts alot. I feel that all those troubles with her having to work for both of use back in Brazil, with a bunch of stress getting a hold of her, of us not having money and especially not having time to spend with each other and with her coming tired from work and not wanting to go out due to it Now I am in Romania by a few days, and we don’t talk to each other. She said she wants some time of hibernation and she won’t be on Facebook or Skype for sometime. I hope I will find some advice, some help in here, since I already started to get awfully depressed. I can’t sleep anymore, I wake up 10 time per night and start to think of her. I also have a hate relation with this country, which only made things worse for me. I have a thought to convince her somehow to come here at me, maybe things will change in here since she didn’t wanted to leave from here anyway. I may have been a little chaotic in my thoughts so excuse me for that but I need so much help. Edited June 14, 2013 by Andrew77
Cutiepie1976 Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 (edited) My heart goes out to you. What a tough place to find yourself. Unfortunately, you can't make someone love you. You can't convince her to become attracted to you. Your best bet is probably to give her a little space to reflect. Perhaps don't contact her for a few months and get your life in order instead (i.e. figuring out where you want to live since neither Romania nor Brazil seem like viable options, finding employment, taking up a few hobbies, and reclaiming your identity as you rather than as half a couple). Eventually she will contact you. See where she takes the conversation and listen, rather than arguing or pleading your case and trying to convince her to be with you. Sadly, there's a good chance that you've lost her. Accept that very real possibility. If I understand your timeline correctly, she was 18 when you first started chatting, and 21 when you married. She's now 26. We do a lot of growing up, and becoming our own person during that timeframe of 18-26. We are different people, with different views, priorities, and often different values by the time we make that transition. Additionally, and this is total speculation on my part, I suspect part of running off to Romania and marrying you was an attempt to get away from the difficulties of her life back in Brazil, something that she ended up having to return to with you anyway...then she had to support not just herself, but you, while working and living with her parents. You weren't the escape she had hoped for or the savior she thought she was getting. She was still stuck dealing with her difficult parents on a daily basis, both at home and now at work. Not your fault or hers. It just is what it is. Edited June 14, 2013 by Cutiepie1976
jf2good Posted June 15, 2013 Posted June 15, 2013 Bottom line is you were gone, she was stressed, she cheated, it didn't mean anything except it changed how she felt about sex with you and thus the whole relationship. Of course she won't tell you this, and I don't think asking would do any good, actually more harm than good. How to fix this now? I have no idea but just the clues are there that is what probably happened.
GuyInLimbo Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 Sorry to say, but you're in such an emotionally unhealthy place that I don't think you're capable of being in a stable relationship. It's as if you staked your entire being into this person for some reason and you need her in order to feel whole. While you are a lot older than her, you both sound incredibly immature. I don't say that to be mean. This desperate back and forth stuff, inability to effectively communicate, and unhealthy attachment to each other just is a bad combination. You need to extract yourself from the realtionship and spend a lot of time in therapy. You need it. No happy relationship has this kind of pervasive stress and effort. The fact of the matter is if she doesn't want you AND doesn't really enjoy sex, this relationship is over. Done. So stop trying to force it. It's not going to happen. And guess what? You're going to be ok. Trust me. You also need to be extra careful with Brazilian women. I realize I am generalizing, but I've had friends involved with them and heard plenty of other stories and, well, they have different attitudes about life and working and such. But in this case, that's the least of your worries. You need to cut this relationship off and find someone local AFTER you spend a lot of time making yourself happy.
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