thinkman Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 I need some advise, because I am a little upset. I've been dating my gf for 8 months, and everything is going really well. We dated for 2 months before we committed to each other like official bf and gf. I knew she was also dating 2 other guys when we first met. She felt I was the one, and decided to fall in love with me after our 8th date. I recently found out she had oral sex with the other two guys, but she didn't keep in touch with anyone of them since we became a couple. I am a little upset because I didn't know she did this while she was seeing me. Should I be jealous or upset. My brother said I am naive, because I knew she was also seeing other guys and can't assume they were playing yahtzee... what do you guys think?
KungFuJoe Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 I need some advise, because I am a little upset. I've been dating my gf for 8 months, and everything is going really well. We dated for 2 months before we committed to each other like official bf and gf. I knew she was also dating 2 other guys when we first met. She felt I was the one, and decided to fall in love with me after our 8th date. I recently found out she had oral sex with the other two guys, but she didn't keep in touch with anyone of them since we became a couple. I am a little upset because I didn't know she did this while she was seeing me. Should I be jealous or upset. My brother said I am naive, because I knew she was also seeing other guys and can't assume they were playing yahtzee... what do you guys think? Pretty much what your brother said. 3
Star Gazer Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 You're brother is right. If you knew she was dating other guys, you shouldn't have assumed she wasn't getting physical with them. How did you find this out?
Phantom888 Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 Unfortunately the modern dating rule says you can't assume monogamy before you are exclusive. I think this is complete bull-crap. I would not respect a woman who was dating more than one guy at a time. Sure she doesn't have to be serious with any of them, but dating ONE at a time seems to be a more respectable character. What's wrong with getting to know someONE, and if it doesn't work out, move on to the next? 1
carhill Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 If she was having sex with other men while dating you, and you consider that inappropriate behavior, then address it as such and be clear about your boundaries with her moving forward. Beyond that, the past is the past. How did you 'find out' she had oral sex with these guys whom she doesn't keep in contact with since you became a couple? She is the most trusted and accurate source of such information, since she was there. Welcome to LS
pcplod Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 I think irrespective of the 'whys' and 'wherefores', the 'ins' and 'outs' that your are guilty of trying to rewrite history. That is an impossible situation to put yourself in, never mind anyone else. Naughty boy. I must admit that I prefer to keep things simple on the dating front but that is only because I am a simple guy and my life is already complicated enough without wanting to be masochistic about it, thank you very much. I would suggest that your life has the potential to throw you more serious curve balls than this. So frankly, if you can't deal with this gentle teaser I think considering retiring to a monastery in order to figure things out before venturing out into the big bad world again is something you might want to seriously consider. Or not, as it happens.
carhill Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 It just occurred to me that the OP might have had an image shock of kissing a lady he was dating who, perhaps only hours before, had another man's penis in that same mouth. Hmm...... Kissed a lot of ladies in my dating years....blissfully unaware. OP, what's your take on this?
Author thinkman Posted June 14, 2013 Author Posted June 14, 2013 You're brother is right. If you knew she was dating other guys, you shouldn't have assumed she wasn't getting physical with them. How did you find this out? We bumped into one of the guys at the gym. I asked her why she picked me over him ..etc. She said he was too much of a push over, and indecisive about his life. Anyway, I just asked her some questions out of curiosity like how long they dated... Eventually I really wanted to find out if she slept with him during the time. My gf said she didn't, she only went down on him a few times. Eventually she felt stronger and stronger toward me and ended with him.
Author thinkman Posted June 14, 2013 Author Posted June 14, 2013 It just occurred to me that the OP might have had an image shock of kissing a lady he was dating who, perhaps only hours before, had another man's penis in that same mouth. Hmm...... Kissed a lot of ladies in my dating years....blissfully unaware. OP, what's your take on this? sights.... you are right. This is what came to my mind when I found out. When I try to put the pieces together.... she was causally dating the 3 of us for a couple of months before she was committed to me exclusively. I can't even picture it... did she had oral sex with all three of us? She slept with me on our 7th date, and became my gf on the 8th. Let's be clear, I have no reason to believe she cheated on me during our relationship. I wish I didn't found out.
KungFuJoe Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 sights.... you are right. This is what came to my mind when I found out. When I try to put the pieces together.... she was causally dating the 3 of us for a couple of months before she was committed to me exclusively. I can't even picture it... did she had oral sex with all three of us? She slept with me on our 7th date, and became my gf on the 8th. Let's be clear, I have no reason to believe she cheated on me during our relationship. I wish I didn't found out. Just remember to be careful with the questions in the future, if you already know you can't handle them. I'm the same way...so I can relate. What I CAN tell you is that it doesn't matter (at least it shouldn't)...and what matters is how she's been with you since you guys made it official.
Feelin Frisky Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 How do people just come to find out this kind of thing? I would avoid it at all costs. I don't want to know. There is nothing one could do with this information that is going to improve things. 1
Estate Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 I need some advise, because I am a little upset. I've been dating my gf for 8 months, and everything is going really well. We dated for 2 months before we committed to each other like official bf and gf. I knew she was also dating 2 other guys when we first met. She felt I was the one, and decided to fall in love with me after our 8th date. I recently found out she had oral sex with the other two guys, but she didn't keep in touch with anyone of them since we became a couple. I am a little upset because I didn't know she did this while she was seeing me. Should I be jealous or upset. My brother said I am naive, because I knew she was also seeing other guys and can't assume they were playing yahtzee... what do you guys think? Seriously man? Do NOT start a fight over something that happened BEFORE you were together. Surefire way to lose your girlfriend. 1
xpaperxcutx Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 Did she swallow? I find it reckless she had oral sex with the other men, the chances of having STDs from fluid contact is higher than just sleeping with other people using protection. Also, her telling you this just makes her comes across as easy. I don't object to multi-dating but I do oppose to sleeping around with so many partners around all at once. I mean, she would've even put your health at risk had she contracted something from those other men. Also has she gotten a test? I guess if you are a forgiving person, you can overlook this fault of hers. But I think it's always going to follow you around because men in general are possessive and it's horrible to have to think you shared your girlfriend with someone else. 2
daisybuchanan55 Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 Interesting that there are so many opposing viewpoints here. Personally, I do not think what happened BEFORE you were exclusive should matter. Dating multiple people at a time (maybe or maybe not having sexual contact) is the reality of the world and I choose to not let it bother me as long as everyone is safe. I also don't want to know and don't ask. But that's just me. In your situation, it seems that it does bother you. You are allowed to be bothered by that. The question now is if it bothers you enough to end things. To each his own. That's the beauty of relationships. There really isn't a right or wrong way of doing things. It's just finding the person whose views happen to align with yours or learning to compromise
carhill Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 Relevant to the multi-dating aspect, this sounds a bit odd: She felt I was the one, and decided to fall in love with me after our 8th date. OP, do you have a history of casual sexual activity/multi-dating as well? I ask because you were dating her while she was dating and apparently having sexual activity with other men. Were you dating other women at that time? Lastly, would you say it's normal in your demographic (age/culture/location) for such activities to go on? Specifically, for you, or a lady, to date and have sex with multiple people? In your case, the lady evidently wasn't having sex with you, prior to 'deciding to fall in love' with you, but was having sex, oral sex, with the other guys she wasn't falling in love with, IIUC, and if your source is correct. Does that sound usual and customary? As noted by others, if you bring this up and/or pursue it, indeed you could lose your girlfriend. Your decision should turn upon how you feel in the relationship, as it is, versus how it might end up if you disclose/pursue. For some people, losing a person like this can inspire fear. If it does, examine it and where it comes from. Lastly, google the term 'retroactive jealousy' and read up on it. Perhaps some aspects apply to your situation. I think, after some introspection, if you can resolve your feelings, you'll make a healthy decision.
RedRobin Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 I need some advise, because I am a little upset. I've been dating my gf for 8 months, and everything is going really well. We dated for 2 months before we committed to each other like official bf and gf. I knew she was also dating 2 other guys when we first met. She felt I was the one, and decided to fall in love with me after our 8th date. I recently found out she had oral sex with the other two guys, but she didn't keep in touch with anyone of them since we became a couple. I am a little upset because I didn't know she did this while she was seeing me. Should I be jealous or upset. My brother said I am naive, because I knew she was also seeing other guys and can't assume they were playing yahtzee... what do you guys think? It would change how I felt about that person, definitely. If you weren't getting physical with other women while you were getting to know each other, you certainly can't be blamed for being a hypocrite. Were you?? It's one reason why I press for a) exclusivity and b) STD tests before having sex with someone. It is amazing how well it tends to fish out the ones who have been having sex with multiple people while getting to know you. At least that way you can make an informed decision before becoming more involved with them. Going forward... not sure what to tell you. Perhaps I'd want to know why she thinks going down on numerous guys a few times with overlap helps her figure out who to fall in love with. That to me, points to a different relationship style entirely. Also, if her dates with you coincided with these other guys and she lied about it.
Cutiepie1976 Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 (edited) ...In your case, the lady evidently wasn't having sex with you, prior to 'deciding to fall in love' with you, but was having sex, oral sex, with the other guys she wasn't falling in love with, IIUC, and if your source is correct. Does that sound usual and customary? The OP said he had sex with her on the seventh date, and they became BF/GF on the eighth. He was partaking in the nonexclusive party. Personally, I don't understand how it was okay to have sex with the OP before they became exclusive, but hanky panky with others under the same conditions is problematic. I could understand being upset if she said no to him, but yes to the other dudes before a commitment, but that wasn't the case. Edited June 14, 2013 by Cutiepie1976
therhythm Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 The OP said he had sex with her on the seventh date, and they became BF/GF on the eighth. He was partaking in the nonexclusive party. Personally, I don't understand how it was okay to have sex with the OP before they became exclusive, but hanky panky with others under the same conditions is problematic. I could understand being upset if she said no to him, but yes to the other dudes before a commitment, but that wasn't the case. Yes, I think this resume it perfectly.. OP could have sex with other people if he wanted during this time ... he just chose not to do it or didn't have the chance to do it.. OP two advises for you in the future! Don't judge anyone for anything that happened before that the person was committed to you and second don't ask questions for which you don't want to know the answer... you can't unknown things
carhill Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 The OP said he had sex with her on the seventh date, and they became BF/GF on the eighth. He was partaking in the nonexclusive party. Personally, I don't understand how it was okay to have sex with the OP before they became exclusive, but hanky panky with others under the same conditions is problematic. I could understand being upset if she said no to him, but yes to the other dudes before a commitment, but that wasn't the case. The rationale is pretty simple, and basically the same forwarded in these forums by women who discover behaviors from their boyfriends, or even spouses, while they are dating which are shocking to them: The OP was confronted with graphic evidence of sexual activity with other men which occurred while they were dating. He feels about it as he does. He has choices about how to process those feelings and make decisions based upon them and that process. OP, did you have any discussions about sexual activity prior to your seventh date? Did you ever discuss dating exclusively? If yes, what were the details?
therhythm Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 The rationale is pretty simple, and basically the same forwarded in these forums by women who discover behaviors from their boyfriends, or even spouses, while they are dating which are shocking to them: The OP was confronted with graphic evidence of sexual activity with other men which occurred while they were dating. He feels about it as he does. He has choices about how to process those feelings and make decisions based upon them and that process. OP, did you have any discussions about sexual activity prior to your seventh date? Did you ever discuss dating exclusively? If yes, what were the details? Well since OP knew she was dating other guys at the same time than him I think we can take as given that they were not exclusive at that moment of time right? If he didn't like her to have other dates he should have made a point at that moment of time not now...
Cutiepie1976 Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 Precisely! He was free to ask for exclusivity sooner. Some guys do.
carhill Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 Hello, I was asking him if they had any discussions! The purpose is to work the issue and not jump to conclusions.
Cutiepie1976 Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 (edited) From the OP: We dated for 2 months before we committed to each other like official bf and gf. I knew she was also dating 2 other guys when we first met. And from post #9: She slept with me on our 7th date, and became my gf on the 8th. Let's be clear, I have no reason to believe she cheated on me during our relationship. I wish I didn't found out. Edited June 14, 2013 by Cutiepie1976 1
Author thinkman Posted June 14, 2013 Author Posted June 14, 2013 I knew she was seeing other guys because she used to only see me once a week. I saw her Facebook and one of the guys always tag her for pics. I asked her what's her status with the other guys, she said she's just dating for now. Eventually she and I really clicked,band she made herself exclusively to me. I didn't ask cuz i was assumption they were just taking her out for dinner and movie. By the way I m28, she's 25, both Asian.
carhill Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 I know you're having a hard time with this.... He didn't say she was dating two other guys *after* they first met, only *when*. We're all *assuming* after. He never said anything about having any discussions/talks with her about dating exclusively. Again, we're *assuming* that because she *may* have been dating, but apparently *was* performing fellatio on other men *after* they met and *while* they were dating, but unknown to him, he *agreed* to a non-exclusive arrangement. He never stated that, nor did he state that they had any discussions. The important goal is to help him resolve this in a way he feels positive about. I personally hope he can put it behind him and move on and enjoy his relationship. That can't be forced by us telling him his feelings are wrong and we're 'right'. He must come to that conclusion on his own and in his time. It's a process. The OP stated: "I need some advise, because I am a little upset." That's valid and hopefully his takeaway will be helpful.
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