Confusion_Reigns Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 Hello, this is my very first post ever from the perspective of the one who is cheating not the one being cheated on. I will try to tell this from the appropriate perspective; however, I’m not sure I can totally keep it that way. I have met a man who is completely amazing. I am simply amazed by him, everything about him. He’s kind, gentle, funny, sexy, intelligent, and he just smells so good. His eye….his hands….his smile….just thinking about him brings butterflies to my heart. I want to be more than his friend and I believe he wants to be more than my friend…but due to my current situation I have not crossed that particular line with him…in all honesty I’m not sure that I ‘can’ cross that line with him. Right at this moment we are just very good friends. Maybe we’ll always remain just friend’s maybe we’ll be more in the future. To be honest, I feel like I’ve already crossed a line that I never thought it was possible for me to cross – emotional affair. Long story short I’m in a dead marriage and will be leaving, sooner than I had planned on…yes, because I have met my friend but the marriage is not dead because of him. I just have a reason to leave sooner rather than later. I don’t want to talk about that portion here, tho. So my friend and I talk about all sorts of things…from politics, to education, to spirituality, to just funny silly stuff. I look forward to seeing him and I dread seeing him, too. I am so drawn to him it’s crazy…really and truly I have never felt this way before…I really didn’t understand this ‘pull’ towards a person could be so strong and so demanding. When I’m with him…just sitting together talking (not even touching)….I am relaxed, I am calm, I am at peace inside of my own self….and I’ve never felt like that with anyone. Sometimes it seems like he knows what I’m thinking about because he’ll tell me a story that’s related to what I’m thinking on…and his stories leave me with so much more to ponder and actually have helped me in understanding the things I’ve been pondering on for some time now. Do I love him? Yes, I do….as a friend right now. Do I care for him? Yes, I want him to be happy. Do I lust for him? Yes, I do. Do I think there’s a future for us? I don’t know, maybe…it depends on so many things…but mostly I think on timing. Maybe….and a lot on my own personal growth…somehow…but I’m not really sure how, yet. I honestly don't know if I truly want another full-time relationship again. But I do want him in my life, that’s all there is to it. I know he will always be in my life. I really don’t know if it’s a good idea to end a marriage and start a new relationship right after. I think that I would need some time for a proper ending, a bit of a time period where I’m truly alone to get myself right, and then maybe that’s when a real new relationship can happen....and I'm not 100% sure I want another full-time relationship. I want to rush, rush, rush…because it seems like there is a time limit to this ‘thing’ we have now, I just feel it. But I don’t want to rush either...rushing just isn’t a good idea in general when making big changes, I don’t think so anyway. I’m sure there will be an adjustment time for my family and my soon to be ex-husband (and that’s a whole other story…you can look at my post in the infidelity section for back ground)….but I don’t want to lose the opportunity to be with my friend in a meaningful open relationship. Any way I look at this situation, every way I look at it…it just seems so impossible and so improbable… and yet I have to do something. Everything inside of me is screaming at me to do something…so I am taking steps, some small and some big, to…well, to not be passive, to be active, and to lead myself to where I want to be. Btw, did I mention how really-really amazing my friend is? Justa bit of info my him…he’s recently divorced (1 yr), he’s got two young boys (younger than my two children), he’s just moved back to this area from another state, his boys live in that other state for the school year and with him for the summer, I have not met his boys but he has met my children (just because he's good friends with my brother), I know his family he knows my family (parents, siblings, etc), he’s really good friends with my closest brother, he’s educated, and he’s about 10 yrs older than me. I don’t really have a specific question but wanted to share this with the board and ask for thoughts…good bad ugly….I’m a pretty tough cookie and can take what’s dished out. Thank you in advance.
Pierre Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 (edited) You need to get a divorce right away. What is the problem? Edited June 14, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Removed full quote
Author Confusion_Reigns Posted June 14, 2013 Author Posted June 14, 2013 Yea, I guess it does sound kinda silly. I'm 42 and been married for 20 yrs...the children question has been answered in the opening post, yes we both have children.
eleanorrigby Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 Just take things one step at a time. Getting your divorce started is step one, everything should fall into place after that step is taken.
Author Confusion_Reigns Posted June 14, 2013 Author Posted June 14, 2013 Pierre, If you'd like to talk about that with me lets do that in the infidelity section. It seems like this isn't the right board for that talk. I think I just feel pressure from myself, that I want to get this all done NOW and move forward NOW...and it's making me anxious inside. One step at a time, right?
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