I'm a mess

[Winteriscoming]

Hello,

 

It's been two years since I moved away from my girlfriend. My girlfriend and I were together for two years prior to my move.

 

I met my ex-girlfriend when I was 17 and she was 16. She was shy, introverted and reserved. To be quite honest (I keep denying this but...) I only asked her out to get over someone else, what one may call a rebound. Little did I know that she would change my world forever, send me into depression and drive me insane.

 

It's strange how quickly it happened. All of a sudden we were in love and couldn't stand a moment without each other. My parents got worried, her parents hated me but we didn't care. Cause we were in love.

 

I survived on her touch, and she become my drug. Even though I was happy, I started demonstrating depressive symptoms. I stopped eating, couldn't sleep...all cause she was all I wanted. Then I moved school. It went downhill, and we agreed to go on a break. Two weeks without her was the longest I had ever been. Even during our break we spoke every night, which defeated the purpose of the break. Nonetheless, we got back together but the spark disappeared. We had become frigid, the fluidity and closeness was gone.

 

Then she broke up with me, and while she did she cried and kept telling me how much she loved me. It made no sense to me why she would break up with me if she loved me. She said we weren't good for each other. The dependency had to stop, we were young and very different. Our parents didn't approve and we needed to move on.

 

I couldn't take it. I called her and called her...I swore at her...she swore at me...we fought and fought but eventually we got back. We never went out after that officially. Although, we did.

 

But we continued fighting, more and more. Every time we would say this is it, we would just start kissing. There was no end. She would cry like crazy, and pull away from me. Then the next moment she would be cuddling with me. I couldn't understand. We didn't tell each other we loved each other for 6 months after we broke. Even though, we did. I knew it, my friends knew it and her friends knew it as well.

 

We would talk on the phone for hours and hours and my grades in school starting falling. My attendance nearly dropped by 50%. But I didn't care. As long as I had her.

 

We went on and off for nearly a year. I hooked up with another girl in between when I was angry with her. She found out and was mad. I didn't know whether I was single or not, I thought it was okay to do so. She wouldn't agree that we loved each other. She would deny it. But we did. That's the only reason why would always end up together in the end.

 

Then I had to move country. I told her and she cried more than I have ever seen anyone cry. But we wanted to make most of it before I left.

 

The day I left she told me she loved me after nearly 6 months. She told me that she wished we were older so that we could marry. She said that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me, and she said that she would count the days till I came back.

 

Now, here I sit two years later and a lot has changed. She stopped talking to me after I moved. I called her over a 100 times. She never said anything. Then, 6 months later I found out she was going out with someone else. I freaked out and called her. And guess what? After the first ring she picked up...and told me a lot about her new boyfriend. She doesn't pick up for 6 months and then all of a sudden she does right after she gets a new boyfriend?

 

That moment I fell madly in love with her again. I needed her so badly, and I felt like I was addicted. She was like a drug. A couple months later she broke up with her new boyfriend.

 

I met her over the summer but she was very distant, she acted as though there was never anything between us. I was very sad. I was hoping to rekindle our love but there were no sparks. She wouldn't let me come close.

 

Now zone forward a year later, and we haven't spoken. Three weeks ago I missed her so bad I had to call her. She picked up and we spoke for an hour about everything. It was really refreshing and I felt good. She was talking about our relationship, about meeting up and everything.

 

Today, I found out she is still going out with her new boyfriend. And I feel the worst I have ever felt.

 

Two years have gone by but I still feel the same way I did the day I first realized I loved her. How is it possible? I feel like calling her really bad. But I know she won't pick up. How can she tell me all those things that she told me and just move on like that? I sacrificed so much for her, she sacrificed so much for me...and now what? It's all gone.

 

Do I call her? If I do I feel like telling her I love her and that she needs to reflect. But then again, maybe she has actually moved on.

 

It feels good to get this out.

[Ale khun]

I'm sorry you're having a bad time with your emotions , I don't think it's a good idea to call her she has made it really clear that she had moved on and now she has a RL , but you know how the heart works , he wants what he can't have and probably knowing that she is still with this guy makes you feel that there's no place in her life for you . I think it's time to do the same and move on .

[Winteriscoming]

Thanks for your advice. I told myself that I will follow whatever advice I get in the first reply. That's what I will do, and not call.

 

You're right...everything has it's time and place and ours has ended. I should let things fold out themselves and not force anything that is not meant to happen to happen.

[Ale khun]

I really hope I'm saying the right things to you but you are right everything no matter what it is a RL or a job or whatever has its time and its place and everything has an expiration date maybe your time with her it's over and now you need to focus on you and be happy you deserve it .