22 year old dating a 20 year old? Will it ever work!?

[ImperfectionisBeauty]

So I JUST started dating this guy, he is 20 I'm 22. He is the Marine I have posted so much about I am actually trying to be smart and cautious this time and not fall madly in love in a month lol! So far so good because we have been going out for about a month and a half and recently decided to be "talking" only to each other. He doesn't have any real relationship experience and I guess I kind of don't either so it works out well. Anyways I'm a little worried about him being 20, I mean I know from convos we have had that he isn't ready for kids (I never asked we just have talked about sex and he made sure that he said that protection was important because he isn't ready for kids) I mean I guess at 20 that is understandable but I'm 22 I will be 23 at the end of the year like if this turns into something serious he isn't going to be ready and I will just keep getting older and older.

 

A lot of people on here have told me that "oh you're just 22 you will change so much in the next few years" and what if thats true for him? He is 20 what if he stops liking me or grows into someone else? The funny thing is he is 10 times more mature than me, just in how he talks and reasons and I assume it is because of his military lifestyle and he has travelled a lot of places and experienced different people compared to me living in a smalltown at home forever. I'm just afraid it can't work because I am older and eventually he will want to explore different people and I will be like 25 and back to this and that will be crazy. I mean I think that you should date at least a year and a half to 2 years then get engaged so in 2 years I will be 24 almost 25 he will be 22 almost 23 and why would he want kids then? idk I'm scared, which is why I usually date older because they want kids faster and commitment. I know I am like 50 steps ahead when I should be going day by day but it is hard to not worry. I am pretty happy though, he is a good guy and he makes me laugh so hard, also it is good that he is in the military because he travels a lot which means I can't be overly clingy (like I was with all my exes) because he is constantly busy and away, but it makes our time together really special

 

I just need advice about this age thing because if we both have brains that will be fully developed by 25 but I will be 25 before him then he will grow apart from me. That is scary. I would never push him into anything but I date to find someone to eventually marry, not to just date you know?

[GI_Joy]

Woh-woh-woh, your mind is going a 100 miles a minute, take a breath and relax. Age and maturity isn't something you can really "prepare" for. You don't know what you'll be like in the next couple years, he doesn't know what he'll be like in the next couple years. Neither of you can control the future. What you CAN control is right now. Keep your head and thoughts in the present, focus on the good times you're having now. Because if you're already thinking about what you guys are gonna be like beyond the present you'll only be tripping yourself up and stressing yourself out. It doesn't matter how fast someone's brain develops. No one can really know for sure. So why worry about stuff you don't have control over?

[sillyanswer]

He is 20 what if he stops liking me or grows into someone else?

 

Dating is like that. You can take no risks and sit it out or you can enjoy the ride which might lead to where you want.

 

Good luck.

[ImperfectionisBeauty]

Woh-woh-woh, your mind is going a 100 miles a minute, take a breath and relax. Age and maturity isn't something you can really "prepare" for. You don't know what you'll be like in the next couple years, he doesn't know what he'll be like in the next couple years. Neither of you can control the future. What you CAN control is right now. Keep your head and thoughts in the present, focus on the good times you're having now. Because if you're already thinking about what you guys are gonna be like beyond the present you'll only be tripping yourself up and stressing yourself out. It doesn't matter how fast someone's brain develops. No one can really know for sure. So why worry about stuff you don't have control over?

 

I am a major worrier lol everyone says that I just need to calm down, I wish I could turn my brain off

[pcplod]

I know I am like 50 steps ahead when I should be going day by day ...

 

You have your answer in your own post, or as near as makes no difference.

 

Chill out. Having plans or dreams is perfectly normal, nice even, but it is not always possible to achieve them. Circumstances can always conspire against them. So, maybe having alternative plans or just a positive state of mind that says, "Hey, I can be flexible, I can adapt to changing circumstances. It doesn't have to be all this or nothing". That is the true art of survival, sanity and just liking yourself and life. Plan some, live some. Strike a balance, or at least try to. What happens to your plans if it turns out you can't have kids? Or what happens if he can't? What happens if he dies tomorrow? Do you, should you have contingency plans for any or all of this or do you just tell yourself "I will cope, because I must". It is obviously a mix of the two. Knowing when which is relevant is the key to life.

[ImperfectionisBeauty]

You have your answer in your own post, or as near as makes no difference.

 

Chill out. Having plans or dreams is perfectly normal, nice even, but it is not always possible to achieve them. Circumstances can always conspire against them. So, maybe having alternative plans or just a positive state of mind that says, "Hey, I can be flexible, I can adapt to changing circumstances. It doesn't have to be all this or nothing". That is the true art of survival, sanity and just liking yourself and life. Plan some, live some. Strike a balance, or at least try to. What happens to your plans if it turns out you can't have kids? Or what happens if he can't? What happens if he dies tomorrow? Do you, should you have contingency plans for any or all of this or do you just tell yourself "I will cope, because I must". It is obviously a mix of the two. Knowing when which is relevant is the key to life.

 

If I couldn't have kids I would probably commit suicide. That not 100% because I really don't believe in suicide and I think it's really selfish to your family but I wouldn't have a family so it wouldn't necessarily matter I guess. Idk, but having babies is so so important to me. Obviously.

[pcplod]

If I couldn't have kids I would probably commit suicide. That not 100% because I really don't believe in suicide and I think it's really selfish to your family but I wouldn't have a family so it wouldn't necessarily matter I guess. Idk, but having babies is so so important to me. Obviously.

 

You are too intense for your own good, girl, but not that unusual for all that. I would suggest that tuning out a bit, maturing a bit, letting a more phlegmatic, philosophical side to you to develop is basically essential for your survival whether you remain a spinster for the rest of your life or just become a baby-making machine. I think you already know this from the comments you make about yourself in your own OP. Stop planning your future now because you are not yet ready for it and when you are ready, you may find that plan has changes in it. I don't know for a moment what they might be, other than they may well exist.

[veggirl]

Don't marines etc typically marry young and get more $ that way? Sounds like its right up your alley. 20 is too young to be serious with in general IMO especially if you're looking long term for marriage within the next few years. Any guy who says he's not ready for that when it's what you want is a waste of time. People would be telling you that if you were 30 but prob won't at 22 bc they don't think you should marry. But regardless of age if you're looking for marriage, don't date guys who aren't.

[Mallow]

Go with the flow, see if you're compatible before mapping out a future with the guy.

 

The age difference isn't a problem, you're in similar stages in life. Couples can grow together, it's not always just growing apart.

 

One step at a time, just enjoy dating now.

[ImperfectionisBeauty]

Don't marines etc typically marry young and get more $ that way? Sounds like its right up your alley. 20 is too young to be serious with in general IMO especially if you're looking long term for marriage within the next few years. Any guy who says he's not ready for that when it's what you want is a waste of time. People would be telling you that if you were 30 but prob won't at 22 bc they don't think you should marry. But regardless of age if you're looking for marriage, don't date guys who aren't.

 

Exactly! The problem is that he has never said he doesn't ever want marriage of children, just not now at 20. It's only been a month and a half, that's fast right? Idk I'm scared I like him but I don't want to be with someone who could possibly never want that or could want to wait until they are like 30.. But the again we could end up breaking up like tomorrow then who cares lol idk

[Drseussgrrl]

I have a girlfriend just like you. She's dying to get married and have kids and claims it's her only goal in life and if it doesn't happen she'll be "worthless".

 

Consequently, she ends up scaring off each guy she dates because she can't let things unfold naturally and wants to know by the second date if the dude can see himself marrying her and knocking her up within the next few years.

 

It's important, of course, to know whether or not you share the same life goals, but honey at 20 years old this dude has got a LOT of growing up to do and I'm sure there are lots of things he wants to accomplish with his life before he's ready to be saddled up with a wife and kids. This is smart of him.

 

You both are so very young and it's kind of a shame that after only a month and a half of dating, you are so worried about this. The only thing you should be concerned with at this point is having the most fun you can with him.

[iris219]

Do YOU want to marry this guy and have children with him? I suspect it's way too soon for you to know this, right?

 

FWIW, I'm one of the few on here who doesn't think you're ridiculous by being obsessed with having children. If I could do it over, I'd make having a family more of focus when I was your age.

 

I think it's smart to know what you want and go after it, although you're doing it the wrong way most of the time. You need to get over your "anything with a penis will do" mindset and start worrying about making a genuine emotional connection with a man, not because he has a penis but because you two are compatible and will be happy together.

[Mrlonelyone]

The truth is that at 20 you need to do a few things in order to marry and make it really truly work (and not end in divorce in 5-7 years like so many so called "starter" marriages. At 20 you don't yet have the full capacity to exercise truly good judgement other than to pick who you listen to for advice. This is why.

 

Maturation of the Prefrontal Cortex

The prefrontal cortex, the part of the frontal lobes lying just behind the

forehead, is often referred to as the “CEO of the brain.” This brain region is

responsible for cognitive analysis and abstract thought, and the moderation of

“correct” behavior in social situations. The prefrontal cortex takes in

information from all of the senses and orchestrates thoughts and actions to

achieve specific goals.[sIZE=2]1,[/sIZE][sIZE=2]2[/sIZE]

 

 

The prefrontal cortex is one of the last regions of the brain to reach

maturation. This delay may help to explain why some adolescents act the way they do. The so-called “executive functions” of the human prefrontal cortex

include:

 

 

• Focusing attention
  
• Organizing thoughts and problem solving
  
• Foreseeing and weighing possible consequences of behavior
  
• Considering the future and making predictions
  
• Forming strategies and planning
  
• Ability to balance short-term rewards with long term goals
  
• Shifting/adjusting behavior when situations change
  
• Impulse control and delaying gratification
  
• Modulation of intense emotions
  
• Inhibiting inappropriate behavior and initiating appropriate behavior
  
• Simultaneously considering multiple streams of information when faced with
  complex and challenging information
  

 

This brain region gives an individual the capacity to exercise “good

judgment” when presented with difficult life situations. Brain research

indicating that brain development is not complete until near the age of 25,

refers specifically to the development of the prefrontal cortex.[sIZE=2]3[/sIZE]

 

Bottom line. Dating someone is always a risk. You can grow apart at any age, and statistically most relationships don't last even 10 years, break ups are inevitable. Even if it last unto death do you part, odds are one of you will die before then other, then comes heartbreak. So just take the chances. Yet, take the good advice of close long time (like since childhood, preferably older) friends and family about who would be good for you. Take time to think about what you want in life and if that man will give it to you long term.

 

It is very easy at age 20- 25 to confuse what is now called limerance, or lustly love, for real true enduring love. Get married then a few years latter you wake up and realize that hard abs alone don't make a husband, then divorced. That is a real risk at your age.

[ImperfectionisBeauty]

Do YOU want to marry this guy and have children with him? I suspect it's way too soon for you to know this, right?

 

FWIW, I'm one of the few on here who doesn't think you're ridiculous by being obsessed with having children. If I could do it over, I'd make having a family more of focus when I was your age.

 

I think it's smart to know what you want and go after it, although you're doing it the wrong way most of the time. You need to get over your "anything with a penis will do" mindset and start worrying about making a genuine emotional connection with a man, not because he has a penis but because you two are compatible and will be happy together.

 

The thing is I'm realizing at this point in my life I can't be TOO picky about who I date you know? I mean not ANY penis will do because I want a good person who would be a good husband and father but then I'm like "oh wait it is taking me forever to find that so I will just go with whoever likes me... Even if he has 3 kids and an ex wife (yes I did date a guy like that and he was obsessed with me he told me he was falling in love with me after the first date)" I just feel so confused and scared and anxious so much and now his age thing is freaking me out because he wants to accomplish stuff and I am like wtf don't accomplish anything just get me pregnant and be with me forever! Lol

[iris219]

The thing is I'm realizing at this point in my life I can't be TOO picky about who I date you know? I mean not ANY penis will do because I want a good person who would be a good husband and father but then I'm like "oh wait it is taking me forever to find that so I will just go with whoever likes me... Even if he has 3 kids and an ex wife (yes I did date a guy like that and he was obsessed with me he told me he was falling in love with me after the first date)" I just feel so confused and scared and anxious so much and now his age thing is freaking me out because he wants to accomplish stuff and I am like wtf don't accomplish anything just get me pregnant and be with me forever! Lol

 

It is not taking you forever to do anything. You just graduated from college. You are right on track with your life. You are in a better position than a lot of young people who take 5, 6, 7+ years to graduate.

 

Now is when you can be picky because there are so many options at your age.

I'm dating a divorced man with 2 kids because I'm 34 and I rarely meet single men my age, much less ones who aren't divorced with kids.

 

You don't have to settle yet. If you are 30 and still single with no kids, give yourself permission to panic a little and THEN start deciding if settling is what you need to do. Now is not the time to waste your energy worrying about something that will happen for you naturally. Stop trying to force it. You will regret forcing it with the wrong guy. You are potentially creating a situation that's very, very wrong for you. Do you want to end up a divorced mother of 2 by 26 because you married and/or got impregnated by the wrong guy? Imagine trying to date and have a satisfying life then. Yes, you will have children, but you will struggle and have no life of your own.

[Drseussgrrl]

The thing is I'm realizing at this point in my life I can't be TOO picky about who I date you know? I mean not ANY penis will do because I want a good person who would be a good husband and father but then I'm like "oh wait it is taking me forever to find that so I will just go with whoever likes me... Even if he has 3 kids and an ex wife (yes I did date a guy like that and he was obsessed with me he told me he was falling in love with me after the first date)" I just feel so confused and scared and anxious so much and now his age thing is freaking me out because he wants to accomplish stuff and I am like wtf don't accomplish anything just get me pregnant and be with me forever! Lol

 

Honey, don't you WANT an accomplished man to be a good husband and father? This is essential for your success, and the success of your children.

 

I really think you need to date from a place of security, not one driven by angst and fear. You're going to scare him off.

[veggirl]

If her goal/wish is to be happily married by say 25 and he doesn't give a crap about it til he's late 20s or 30s then she shouldn't date him.

 

I agree op you're too concerned w marriage at a young age BUT you want what you want. You need to date men who are dating to find a wife. Not guys who are dating for fun.

[Drseussgrrl]

If her goal/wish is to be happily married by say 25 and he doesn't give a crap about it til he's late 20s or 30s then she shouldn't date him.

 

I agree op you're too concerned w marriage at a young age BUT you want what you want. You need to date men who are dating to find a wife. Not guys who are dating for fun.

 

In my experience MOST men don't start thinking about those things until later.

 

And in my area, it's the case with women, too.

[ImperfectionisBeauty]

Honey, don't you WANT an accomplished man to be a good husband and father? This is essential for your success, and the success of your children.

 

I really think you need to date from a place of security, not one driven by angst and fear. You're going to scare him off.

 

I do want that but getting that is so hard, there is no guarantee you know? It is getting harder and harder for me like waiting and occupying myself. I am with this guy now and I hope it works out or if not I can at least learn more about myself and relationships but I feel like getting to 25 being single will be a death sentence, everyone is like "oh your 22 you have 10 years before you should even worry about kids and stuff like that" but idk I mean once I reach 25 I will be half way to thirty, what will the excuse be then? No guys approach me or like me so if I don't OLD or something I will never meet anyone and beggars can't be choosers you know?

[KungFuJoe]

I do want that but getting that is so hard, there is no guarantee you know? It is getting harder and harder for me like waiting and occupying myself. I am with this guy now and I hope it works out or if not I can at least learn more about myself and relationships but I feel like getting to 25 being single will be a death sentence, everyone is like "oh your 22 you have 10 years before you should even worry about kids and stuff like that" but idk I mean once I reach 25 I will be half way to thirty, what will the excuse be then? No guys approach me or like me so if I don't OLD or something I will never meet anyone and beggars can't be choosers you know?

 

You have such a wonderful attitude...just brimming with self confidence.

 

I wonder why you're having such a hard time finding a good man?

 

/sarcasm

[ImperfectionisBeauty]

You have such a wonderful attitude...just brimming with self confidence.

 

I wonder why you're having such a hard time finding a good man?

 

/sarcasm

 

Lol I mean if you got shut down by guys as much as I have would you have self-confidence? Probably not. I am lucky right now, the guy I am dating is a good person and funny and has a career, but there is no guarantee he will be my husband and father to my kids.. I have to think ahead.

[Drseussgrrl]

I do want that but getting that is so hard, there is no guarantee you know? It is getting harder and harder for me like waiting and occupying myself. I am with this guy now and I hope it works out or if not I can at least learn more about myself and relationships but I feel like getting to 25 being single will be a death sentence, everyone is like "oh your 22 you have 10 years before you should even worry about kids and stuff like that" but idk I mean once I reach 25 I will be half way to thirty, what will the excuse be then? No guys approach me or like me so if I don't OLD or something I will never meet anyone and beggars can't be choosers you know?

 

No, I don't know.

 

I'm 33 and single with no kids. Yes, it's something that I want, but according to you I should just give up and settle down with the first joe schmoe who will give me the time of day, or off myself.

 

And how is 25 "halfway" to 30?

[KungFuJoe]

Lol I mean if you got shut down by guys as much as I have would you have self-confidence? Probably not. I am lucky right now, the guy I am dating is a good person and funny and has a career, but there is no guarantee he will be my husband and father to my kids.. I have to think ahead.

 

And you wonder WHY you get shut down?

 

It's because of the way you think and act. You're VERY immature...even for your relatively young age. Any "good" man is not going to want to be dating a child. So you're just going to end up with a bunch of guys who just want to have "fun" and nothing more.

 

Anyways...I'm not going to sit here and tell you to start thinking differently...because that is NOT easy to do. But you gotta start somewhere. I've been reading your posts for quite some time now and they just seem to be getting worse and worse.

 

If you don't believe in yourself and your own self worth, no one else will.

[ImperfectionisBeauty]

No, I don't know.

 

I'm 33 and single with no kids. Yes, it's something that I want, but according to you I should just give up and settle down with the first joe schmoe who will give me the time of day, or off myself.

 

And how is 25 "halfway" to 30?

 

Ok but you're really pretty and you have a career and other friends and you don't have jealousy problems that would cause you to not be friends with people who are married before you, and you just don't have the issues I do that would make it difficult to find a guy. You have a ton of options, I don't so I have to take what I can get and sometimes I get lucky and sometimes I don't, but I mean I can deal with it when I'm not but you just have to make do I guess.

 

Anyways when I am 25 I will practically be 30 and imagine 30 I have to find someone who wants me (even less options then because people will be married or have kids etc..) and if I haven't been THAT lucky finding someone at 22 when I am young and my body is still reasonably tight and attractive and I am kind of pretty imagine how my luck will be at 30 nearly impossible (and I know you are going to say "well thanks I'm in my 30s" but like I said you are in your 30s and pretty and not stressed about this and you seem like you don't care if it happens or not so it's like hey whatever you can just enjoy life but I can't) . Assuming I do get lucky and meet someone at 30 I still have to date them and get married to them which will probably be a 2-3 year process so I will be 33 well my fertility is rapidly decreasing in all this time, so after the marriage I can IMMEDIATELY start trying to get pregnant, what if I can't? Or I struggle? That would be something good to have known like 10 years ago so then I have to do all this stuff to try to get pregnant and I want more than 1 baby so then my God I will end up 40 and pregnant if you can even get pregnant at 40. It is just stressful.

[ImperfectionisBeauty]

And you wonder WHY you get shut down?

 

It's because of the way you think and act. You're VERY immature...even for your relatively young age. Any "good" man is not going to want to be dating a child. So you're just going to end up with a bunch of guys who just want to have "fun" and nothing more.

 

Anyways...I'm not going to sit here and tell you to start thinking differently...because that is NOT easy to do. But you gotta start somewhere. I've been reading your posts for quite some time now and they just seem to be getting worse and worse.

 

If you don't believe in yourself and your own self worth, no one else will.

 

I feel like I have phases, sometimes I am ok sometimes I'm not. Going to therapy is kind of helping, she taught me mindfulness today which I need. It brings you back to the moment when you mind wanders but I am just really emotional today, its just 2:00 and I have cried 3 times haha. She also taught me to reframe my thoughts but it is hard and takes a long time because you have to write it down.