runningfar Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 My friend (former client) and I were talking last night and she was saying she's doing online dating. Forget the site name. But I guess on that site they have a bunch of questions and a matching system. She said she matched like 95% with this guy, and they had a huge amount in common from their profile, but she was nervous to message him because he was too attractive and it would be wasting his time and he would never respond. She was asking me because in some of the pictures he seemed approachable but not in the first couple. She wasn't worried about who he would be, I guess, but merely that he'd reject her. Now, I think this woman is super cute and being ridiculous. Not a model, but very pretty. The guy was in his late 30's and she's in her late 20's. Then I saw IRC's post. Assuming you believe the profile is real, if the profile and I guess whatever hokey matching stuff the site you chose has said what you wanted and what you were like was extremely similar, would you not message because of the photos either too attractive or not attractive enough? I guess looks don't matter much to me in a match and I can't imagine it being a big issue.
sillyanswer Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 Assuming you believe the profile is real, if the profile and I guess whatever hokey matching stuff the site you chose has said what you wanted and what you were like was extremely similar, would you not message because of the photos either too attractive or not attractive enough? I guess looks don't matter much to me in a match and I can't imagine it being a big issue. If the photos were not attractive enough I probably wouldn't have read the rest of the profile or noticed the match percentage. I don't think there's any such thing as someone being too attractive for me to write to, although sometimes I pass when the profile is just photos and either no text or very bland text as I'd like to date someone with personality and interests and passions as well as being beautiful. 2
sweetkiwi Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 I have done online dating/am doing it. If I come across an attractive man I usually compliment them. If he's got a high match percentage too then why would I assume we were anything but compatible, at least on paper? The #1 match on OkCupid is the guy I am dating now. He doesn't even have a picture of his face up, but he was so interesting I had to talk to him regardless. He's handsome but when we first talked I had no idea. 1
Ninjainpajamas Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 IMO women should never be afraid to message a man, unfortunately for not the best of reasons. Most men will date down...even let's say he's a 8.5 and she's a 6.5, depending on his options and the fact that many men are interested in casual dating/sex and FWB type situations, why wouldn't they be open to responding back? there's a wide margin for most men that they'll dabble in with women. If a man doesn't respond back it's not that he isn't interested necessarily, he's just got something better going on or options. A man's selective power isn't dependent on what his standards are, it's mostly dependent on what his capability of attaining is. So looks are less relevant for men in terms of self-confidence, if he's unable to reel in the women he truly desires then he has no choice but to lower his standards. She may not get the hottest guy on the site, but she's a good chance at communicating with a guy better looking than her, since the odds in OLD are definitely on the woman's side in terms of interest. I do believe in the objectivity of determining looks personally, relatively speaking..It may be subjective to some to some extent but there's definitely a standard, and if you shoot to high, it's not going to matter what you think of yourself if you're just not on that level and you definitely can't base that on whether a man is willing to sleep with you or not.
ImperfectionisBeauty Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 I do OLD and I message guys who are really attractive, sometimes they respond sometimes they don't but at least try 1
iris219 Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 I will not date someone too attractive. I'm not attracted to men who would be considered hot. I am actually turned off by very hot men. Maybe I'm not used to them because I've seen so few in my lifetime. Equal to and below me in attractiveness is what I look for. My bf is pretty darn good looking, but we're probably equal. I'd prefer someone less attractive, but I guess I'll deal with it. 1
Els Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 Huh. Interesting. If writing someone off for being less good-looking is superficial, isn't writing someone off for being more good-looking equally superficial? 3
Author runningfar Posted June 14, 2013 Author Posted June 14, 2013 Huh. Interesting. If writing someone off for being less good-looking is superficial, isn't writing someone off for being more good-looking equally superficial? My first reaction was akin to that but as I thought about it I thought no, because she would reply if he messaged her and she's not assuming he's a jerk --- hers is just low self esteem.' I know from her last relationship why her self esteem is so low, but I wondered how common this is... that good pictures could actually prevent messages. I would guess women are more likely than men not to message for that reason. I don't know, if we were a good match seemingly, I'm not sure their attractiveness would matter much at all.
Phantom888 Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 My friend (former client) and I were talking last night and she was saying she's doing online dating. Forget the site name. But I guess on that site they have a bunch of questions and a matching system. She said she matched like 95% with this guy, and they had a huge amount in common from their profile, but she was nervous to message him because he was too attractive and it would be wasting his time and he would never respond. She was asking me because in some of the pictures he seemed approachable but not in the first couple. She wasn't worried about who he would be, I guess, but merely that he'd reject her. Now, I think this woman is super cute and being ridiculous. Not a model, but very pretty. The guy was in his late 30's and she's in her late 20's. Then I saw IRC's post. Assuming you believe the profile is real, if the profile and I guess whatever hokey matching stuff the site you chose has said what you wanted and what you were like was extremely similar, would you not message because of the photos either too attractive or not attractive enough? I guess looks don't matter much to me in a match and I can't imagine it being a big issue. No such thing as too attractive. Looks are purely subjective. Chances are he probably thinks he's none too great, and would be flattered if a cute girl takes the initiative. If she's not his type (personality-wise), he would reject her no matter what they look like to each other. My lady is really attractive, and she's the one who messaged me first on Match. Though I'm kinda cute too, she was mostly attracted to my profile descriptions. But that can be deceiving too since people can LIE! Once we talked on the phone, we were really optimistic. But once we met in person, that was it. There is really no reason to approach or not approach someone based solely on looks. People just look better the more you like them.
daisybuchanan55 Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 You could avoid this entire debacle if you just waited for HIM to message you first! If he is truly available and thinks you're attractive, he will get in contact with you. Men LIKE chasing and pursuing women. Just be patient and let nature lead the way. PS...I do online dating and NEVER EVER message the men first. The ONE man I messaged first ended up being in the middle of a messy divorce and our "relationship" ended with him going back to his wife. He admitted that because of this circumstance he probably NEVER would have messaged me first...he was simply on the dating site to "see what was out there." It was nothing personal with me. He just wasn't available but I ended up getting hurt. Extreme example but replace "messy divorce" with a million other things...dating other people from the site, just out of a relationship, whatever. You'll have a better chance at a successful relationship if you let him take the reigns and lead the way. 1
hudson701 Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 You could avoid this entire debacle if you just waited for HIM to message you first! If he is truly available and thinks you're attractive, he will get in contact with you. Men LIKE chasing and pursuing women. Just be patient and let nature lead the way. PS...I do online dating and NEVER EVER message the men first. The ONE man I messaged first ended up being in the middle of a messy divorce and our "relationship" ended with him going back to his wife. He admitted that because of this circumstance he probably NEVER would have messaged me first...he was simply on the dating site to "see what was out there." It was nothing personal with me. He just wasn't available but I ended up getting hurt. Extreme example but replace "messy divorce" with a million other things...dating other people from the site, just out of a relationship, whatever. You'll have a better chance at a successful relationship if you let him take the reigns and lead the way. No, it would be nice for a woman to contact first, go against this farcical tradition and show initiative. I, for one, would be blown away if a pretty girl contacted me first. As of yet, it has never happened to me.
daisybuchanan55 Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 No, it would be nice for a woman to contact first, go against this farcical tradition and show initiative. I, for one, would be blown away if a pretty girl contacted me first. As of yet, it has never happened to me. You are going to be waiting for a long time for that to happen. Pretty girls don't have to contact guys first. They are inundated with offers constantly, so unless you're Ryan Gosling with Bill Gates' intellect and bank account, you can't expect her to approach you first. Might as well throw your hat in the ring. 1
tbf Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 Your friend risks rejection every time she messages anyone so I'm a bit confused why this guy would be any different and if he rejects her without responding, why she would take it personally. Just mention to her that the minute she leaves her home, even the minute she uses any online public venue, there are men covertly rejecting her because she's not their preference. This is not a big deal. Women covertly and overtly reject all the time and so do men.
hudson701 Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 You are going to be waiting for a long time for that to happen. Pretty girls don't have to contact guys first. They are inundated with offers constantly, so unless you're Ryan Gosling with Bill Gates' intellect and bank account, you can't expect her to approach you first. Might as well throw your hat in the ring. So pretty women are only attracted to amazing looks, power and incredible wealth. Nothing new there then. The superficial double standard is alive and well.
daisybuchanan55 Posted June 15, 2013 Posted June 15, 2013 So pretty women are only attracted to amazing looks, power and incredible wealth. Nothing new there then. The superficial double standard is alive and well. Or, you could stop complaining and do something about it. I'm a woman and I did. Now I have more options and I'm happy about it! Do I like going to the gym/spending time/money/effort on looking good? No, it's actually a pain in the a$$! But I like having more options and dating higher-quality men. The end. By the way, I date a lot of unconventional looking people. Can't say the same for most men. But I accept that double standard and move on. Life gets easier when you give in to things about society that will never change. 2
Cutiepie1976 Posted June 15, 2013 Posted June 15, 2013 Your friend is limiting herself unnecessarily. What one person perceives as a 10, another might perceive as a 7. I don't really believe in leagues or pick solely based on looks, but I remember being floored that my boyfriend in grad school thought I was totally out of his league, and was concerned I would turn him down. Women were literally falling over themselves trying to get his attention and trying to date him. The guy was a total Adonis. Nor was it about lack of confidence or poor self-esteem on his part. We all just have different perceptions on this front. You also never know what the other person's "type" is, assuming he even has a type and many don't. As in real life, there are a handful of guys online who get a ton of unsolicited attention, and it's pretty obvious who they are. Same risks apply that would IRL. Anywho, I agree with Daisy. I believe you get better results when you let the guy contact you. I have some friends who feel the exact opposite. One of my friends who's married to a fantastic guy, felt things improved significantly for her, and she had much better results when she did the approaching. It was all duds until she became proactive about making initial contact. She contacted her now husband. Experiment. Figure out what seems to work best for you...or in this case, your friend. If your friend is approaching guys, then don't limit by looks. That's silly. Go for whoever is appealing to you as a potential date.
tbf Posted June 15, 2013 Posted June 15, 2013 If you want a more dominant, confident male, then let them approach you. If you want someone more passive, approach them. If you want someone in between, then find a way to get their attention and then, they will approach you.
shexy Posted June 15, 2013 Posted June 15, 2013 If the site it eharmony....she should beware. My brief stint with eharmony 4 years ago matched me with people I had ZERO in common with. And I mean absolutely zero in common. I don't think people are too attractive for me to message, but there are some guys that are perfectly good looking, but based on the profile, it's just not my thing, if that makes sense.
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