digitalsushi Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 hi all. i'm worried my husband is cheating on me. a background on us, we've been married 7 months. we have a 1 year old daughter. he works in sales and isn't at home much apart from weekends, he says it's just the industry. I love and support him very much and I'm always there for him, however i'm having my doubts about his behaviour the last few days. the other night (wednesday) he came home drunk at about 2am. earlier in the afternoon, he rang to ask me to cancel my plans. that evening i'd organised a game of social tennis after work with some colleagues. however he said his boss is making him see a very important client so i couldn't go and had to look after our daughter instead. that was fine. so after he passes out, i'm wide awake and need a distraction to get back to sleep, so i reach for his phone to play a game and there is a new message from a girl that says "i had a great night and thanks for dropping me off at the station" - sent at 1:30am. because i unlocked the phone and i dismissed the message, i wanted to mark it an unread incase he thought i was snooping, however when i went into the thread, there were many other messages from this girl and instead of him cancelling my plans & going out with a client, it seems he went to a jazz club in the city with a girl. i was hoping that his client was this girl. in the morning when he woke up i asked him how his client dinner was. he said it was good, i asked who it was with, so he gave me the name of a guy.. not a girl.. and said they went to a bar but it wasn't the bar he met the girl at from the text message ((( he looked me in the eye when he said he met up with with this client, he even told me about the food and what they drank. i wanted to throw up because i don't think it was true... i took a copy of the messages that night because i just need some advice. i picked up his phone later on that day but the messages were wiped. i don't know if i'm overreacting. i haven't seen any messages from her since (2 days later). i'm scared to confront him incase i am being paranoid and she is just a friend.. but then seems he lied about where he went... - does anyone have any advice? i've pasted the message thread conversation below... Him: Hi how was your weekend, just wondering what you would like to do tomorrow? Him: Providing you still want to catch up Girl: Hey you're alive! Iwas going to go on shore beach walk in xxxxxx in the morning and a jazz night in xxxxxxx if you'd care to join feel free Him: Yeah I'm still working. Unfortunately I won't be able to join those awesome activities as I still have to work which is a shame because I love the beach. I would love to lock something else in for the coming week or so. Thanks anyway! Girl: I'm so confused why you want to do something on a given day (wednesday) and then not be available Him: Well the answer is simple. I had a blueprint in my mind and based upon the weather and travel however I ask you re-read my text and see i asked you "what what you like to do" apologies for the confusion as i should've worded my message better as I did have a idea for the day but I received a bit of pressure from my boss yesterday so that didn't help my decision. Can I start again? Maybe a late lunch before you start work? I stuffed up so balls in your court now. Girl: Thanks I start tomorrow at 6. So sometime before that. What's an acceptable time for a late lunch? Him: Your call? It can be a long lunch i.e. 1pm onwards or whatever time you chose Any preference on food as I'll book somewhere Girl: Let's shoot for 2pm. My preference for food wouldd be anything outside of Thai, Indian or Middle Eastern. Especially a place that has legit sticky date pudding. Please. Him: Legit sticky date pudding?? I don't even know what that is but it does narrow my ball park. I know an awesome sushi place and really good greek restaurant? I'm not use their dessert menu. FYI the Greek Restaurant is fairly close to xxxxxx. Him: How about I book a restaurant and surprise you? Girl: That sounds good!! Him: Meet you at 1:45 xxxxxxx station tomorrow ready for my amazing culinary surprise adventure Girl: Exciting! I will see you then!! Him: I left a voicemail, let me know if you can still do that Jazz tonight - wednesday. (sent 3:50pm) Her: I just got it, Yeah I'm still going It's a place called xxxxx, Music starts at 7 in xxxxx and there's happy hour 5-7. I was going to get there about 8pm or so. Is that too late for you? Him: Not at all . See you there Her: Sounds good !!! Her: I had a great night and thanks for dropping me off at the station
Korea2000 Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 Oh dear. Looks like you've married a real jerk. His behaviour is appalling after what, 7 months of marriage?! Seriously? You have to confront the ******* and put it to him straight: you expect and demand exclusivity from him. No sneaking around. If he can't promise that then it's OVER. 3
will1988 Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 to me it sounds like at the very least this woman and him are interested in each other and going on dates, at the worst, he is sleeping with her and has begun a full blown affair. Either way, you need to confront him about this. This is not something a married man should be taking part in.
Author digitalsushi Posted June 14, 2013 Author Posted June 14, 2013 Thanks all. It's really starting to sink in. I guess i'm worried about confronting him, because I did go through his phone. He's very volatile and is very good at turning things around, I'd probably just end up being the bad person for "snooping". The worst part is that he recently got a job in the US. (we're from Aust) He's going over there on the 15th July. My daughter and I leave on the 1st August. I've already given up my job, given notice on our daycare and have tenants moving into our apartment and bad timing that a week later I find this. i'm absolutely gobsmacked and in complete disbelief he's doing this right now before I uproot my and my daughters life to support his career and dream in the US. I feel really numb.
Mint Sauce Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 Is he the one with whom you started 7 years ago, and felt he wasn't into you enough? A bad start + a 7 year-itch.... In any case, I understand your concern, something's definitely not right. 1
Author digitalsushi Posted June 14, 2013 Author Posted June 14, 2013 no not the 7 year itch our situation is, we were together 1.5 years. fell pregnant, we decided to have said little one. he proposed after we had the little one and then married last september. i think all up we've been together about nearly 3.5 years.
dichotomy Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 (edited) My gut tells me this is the start of something - maybe an emotional only affair but can't say for sure. The part where she sounds irritated with him over changing plans or something - made my hairs raise up - because is sounds possessive. My gut also feels you tipped him off and he knows your on high alert - so he is going deeper underground. I have give this advice as well as others. 1) Pretend all is well - do your best to seem happy, secure and unaware and trusting. Smile - touch him, be happy. Fake it. 2) Then you need to ramp up the investigation big time. Checking his cell is not going to work as I suspect he knows you read it already. Who is the chick? You got her cell number from the text? Also look into her. Edited June 14, 2013 by dichotomy 6
BetrayedH Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 Sounds like they had a nice date. Are you not ok with your husband dating other women while he lies to you about work and leaves you home with your child? Gosh, you are so controlling. Dichotomy is right. You need to very quietly go into investigative mode. Everything should be sunshine and sunflowers. He obviously has no issues lying straight to your face (always a sign of a great spouse). My point is DON'T confront him. He will do exactly as you said. He will spin this around saying that it was his work client, that he didn't want to tell you because you would irrationally flip-out, and then yep, guilt you big-time about snooping. It's common enough that it has earned its own term, gaslighting. Keep in mind, you don't need to convince him that he's cheating (he already knows it). If you need to know more to convince yourself, then so be it. But don't confront him because all you will do is show your cards. He'll then just take the affair further underground or just stop until the dust settles. My gut says that the other woman doesn't know about you but there's no way to tell just yet. I also think that you have tipped your hand a bit about the phone; don't bother with it for now because he's likely just deleting everything and hoping it never comes up. Rest assured, he already has a story in mind about how innocent it all was and how paranoid you are (and that you're ruining the marriage). Blah, blah, blah. Don't waste time trying to convince him. If him dating other women isn't enough to make you leave, then go into investigative mode. Check his internet history, phone records, and financial records. Save everything you find. Consider getting a voice activated recorder to put in his car under the steering column. Consider a GPS for the car; I caught my wife at a hotel the first time I used one. There are also keyloggers for the computer that would records each keystroke. But keep your mouth shut or you may ruin the one opportunity you have to discover the truth. 5
kamani Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 Many posters will not agree with me, but I feel you have enough evidence to confront him. This might be at least the very start of an affair, and even worse. Things will progress while you carry out the full investigation. You need to nip it at the bud if you still want him. 2
Author digitalsushi Posted June 14, 2013 Author Posted June 14, 2013 well he failed to come home last night. no text or phone call he made a credit card transaction at a hotel near his work at about 11:30pm. (checked his net banking to see his last transaction) trying to work out if it's a hotel like bar, or hotel like accommodation. though i'm pretty sure i can work out the answer. i'm devastated
Realist3 Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 Many posters will not agree with me, but I feel you have enough evidence to confront him. This might be at least the very start of an affair, and even worse. Things will progress while you carry out the full investigation. You need to nip it at the bud if you still want him. I know this will shock everyone on this board, but I agree that there is enough evidence already. This was the talk of two people in an affair. I'm know... I'm in one.
dichotomy Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 Many posters will not agree with me, but I feel you have enough evidence to confront him. This might be at least the very start of an affair, and even worse. Things will progress while you carry out the full investigation. You need to nip it at the bud if you still want him. Yes I am one of them who does not agree. Nip what in the bud. With this confrontation - with these scraps debatable evidence and lies - what do you think he will do? 1)that he will be 100% truthful in whats happened 2) He will open up all his emails, phone and other records to you to show exactly whats happened cause he wants to prove his openness to the love of his life (you) with no hesitation or resentment 3) He will stop seeing this woman, and with zero communication, no matter his realtionship with her, because it upsets you. 4) He will make sure he is home every night right after work to make sure you trust him, because to keep your love and faith in him - he would do anything. :lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao: Nothing short of complete evidence is going to put an end to this - if in fact he is doing something wrong. And if he is not doing anything wrong - then you have been smiling and being happy (faking it) and can now stop faking it and stop spying on him - and go on with the marriage and maybe deal with your guilt and get some individual therapy - and some marriage therapy as well because he is still not being a good husband.
Realist3 Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 well he failed to come home last night. no text or phone call he made a credit card transaction at a hotel near his work at about 11:30pm. (checked his net banking to see his last transaction) trying to work out if it's a hotel like bar, or hotel like accommodation. though i'm pretty sure i can work out the answer. i'm devastated You have busted him. The question is what are you going to do about it? You don't have to act immediately so think through your options and which way you want to proceed, but you need to do it under a more calm mind.
dichotomy Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 well he failed to come home last night. no text or phone call he made a credit card transaction at a hotel near his work at about 11:30pm. (checked his net banking to see his last transaction) trying to work out if it's a hotel like bar, or hotel like accommodation. though i'm pretty sure i can work out the answer. i'm devastated No call to even say I won't be home, and no call in the morning to say why he was not home. Have you spoke to him yet? Again -you can act worried but not suspicious. He can say he had one to many, or got tired, but don't expect the truth.
Confused48 Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 I know this will shock everyone on this board, but I agree that there is enough evidence already. This was the talk of two people in an affair. I'm know... I'm in one. I agree there is enough evidence for the unfortunate digitalshshi to conclude that her H is having a full blown sexual and emotional affair. I'm not so sure she should confront him. Not unless and until she knows EXACTLY what she wants and is ready to DEMAND it from him without listening to anything he has to say about it. I can tell he is the lie, lie, lie, until you die type. He will gaslight her and try to scare her with his "volatile" nature. Digital - make up your mind and then put a plan into action. Don't ask permission and don't listen to any explanations or excuses. You need to steamroll this guy.
Ninja'sHusband Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 well he failed to come home last night. no text or phone call he made a credit card transaction at a hotel near his work at about 11:30pm. (checked his net banking to see his last transaction) trying to work out if it's a hotel like bar, or hotel like accommodation. though i'm pretty sure i can work out the answer. i'm devastated Hey, hang in there. Keep posting. I'm pretty sure this has been the worst day of your life. Don't forget to take care of yourself. Know that it gets better whatever happens. Talk to someone, if you are divorcing definitely talk to your family. You need support of some kind I'm sure. You may be able to get your job back. I bet they will understand if you are honest about what's going on. Of course everything is confusing right now. Just go ahead and accept that everything is uncertain at this moment and will be crazy for a bit. Things will slowly start to take their new places. It'll get better I promise. Hang in there. We're here for you. There are people in your life that love you. Reach out to them. You deserve their love.
Steen719 Posted June 15, 2013 Posted June 15, 2013 Sounds like they had a nice date. Are you not ok with your husband dating other women while he lies to you about work and leaves you home with your child? Gosh, you are so controlling. Dichotomy is right. You need to very quietly go into investigative mode. Everything should be sunshine and sunflowers. He obviously has no issues lying straight to your face (always a sign of a great spouse). My point is DON'T confront him. He will do exactly as you said. He will spin this around saying that it was his work client, that he didn't want to tell you because you would irrationally flip-out, and then yep, guilt you big-time about snooping. It's common enough that it has earned its own term, gaslighting. Keep in mind, you don't need to convince him that he's cheating (he already knows it). If you need to know more to convince yourself, then so be it. But don't confront him because all you will do is show your cards. He'll then just take the affair further underground or just stop until the dust settles. My gut says that the other woman doesn't know about you but there's no way to tell just yet. I also think that you have tipped your hand a bit about the phone; don't bother with it for now because he's likely just deleting everything and hoping it never comes up. Rest assured, he already has a story in mind about how innocent it all was and how paranoid you are (and that you're ruining the marriage). Blah, blah, blah. Don't waste time trying to convince him. If him dating other women isn't enough to make you leave, then go into investigative mode. Check his internet history, phone records, and financial records. Save everything you find. Consider getting a voice activated recorder to put in his car under the steering column. Consider a GPS for the car; I caught my wife at a hotel the first time I used one. There are also keyloggers for the computer that would records each keystroke. But keep your mouth shut or you may ruin the one opportunity you have to discover the truth. This was my first impression when reading the texts. She doesn't know. When it is all said and done, tell her. She should know he is a creep. I know it is hard to think this way, but it is so much better that you discovered this before you left. That sorry SOB was going to let you go, while he is out screwing around. Let you uproot your life...what a guy! Sheesh! Get what you need to make yourself be ready to confront him and do it. Do not come to the US with him. That sounds like disaster for you. If he wants to work on his marriage, he can give up the job and stay there and work on it with you. So sorry you are in this situation, but feel that you are fortunate to know what kind of man he is before you leave your life behind for him. Good luck! Keep posting. 1
SoleMate Posted June 15, 2013 Posted June 15, 2013 He's definitely having an affair. Most likely the OW does not know that he is married but really, that is a minor point. The major point is that your H is stepping out on you and lying like crazy to cover it up. You are NOT paranoid, you have more than enough evidence. You cannot control, you can only control yourself, so the question is....what will YOU do?
Zapbasket Posted June 15, 2013 Posted June 15, 2013 I'm so sorry you are going through this. I don't have experience in this area, but the first thought I had upon reading through your thread is, whatever you do, DON'T move to the U.S. until this is resolved one way or another. You need your support network close by you while you sort through everything. Don't let him tell you that you're being difficult in refusing to move; HE'S the one who created this mess, not you. 1
sayyes19 Posted June 15, 2013 Posted June 15, 2013 well he failed to come home last night. no text or phone call he made a credit card transaction at a hotel near his work at about 11:30pm. (checked his net banking to see his last transaction) trying to work out if it's a hotel like bar, or hotel like accommodation. though i'm pretty sure i can work out the answer. i'm devastated If you read this again you need to act like there is an F5 tornado coming towards your house, but you have a little more time than usual to get underground. Gather everything you can that is important including your little one and get out of the house. Your husband is a grade A jerk and you don't need the time to be manipulated by him. Main idea is worry about you and your daughter and don't give yourself time to be hurt yet. You need to get out.
2sunny Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 Sounds like he's presented himself as a single guy. Call her. Ask her why she's dating a married man. Change the locks - tell him to stay at the hotel.
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