LDR: I've been cheated :(

[bahaghari]

Well, I dunno if this is the right spot to post my thread but I'm really in a hard spot right now. I'm not really the type of person to get advice online but I can't talk about this problem with anyone who knows me and her personally so I'll give it try here.

 

So here's the story. I'm 27. Me and her were living together for almost 6 years now. We have minor fights but no history of something major like this one. Last November, she needed to go to overseas to work there. Our only means of communication was chat through IMs and via phone. We had fights sometimes on chat and phone while she's there. But its really minor fights like most couples do experience. We have happy moments as well. But just this last April, I felt something different. I felt something's not right... She's always been busy on her work and always go to dinner with her co-workers and stuffs like that. She never wonders about me anymore unlike before. So I decided to read articles about cheating and found almost all the signs perfect on her. I investigated deeper for months until last week I finally able to confront her when I was like 70% sure there something wrong going on. I bluffed her that I bugged her phone before she left so I know what she's doing on me. She called me and burst in tears. That's when I finally realized I was right. She told me everything in detail. The hardest thing is she's been seeing a married guy. They had sex 3 times over the past 2 months. It really hurts me badly. Been broken to pieces. I can't stop crying and couldn't eat for more than 30 hours.

 

The day after she told me everything. She rushed and flew home to try to talk to me. She was really sorry and said she was out of her right mind on those days when she did that. We talked and talked and cried and you know what's funny? I can't get mad on her. I'm like a hot headed guy but I don't know. I just want to hold her more tightly than before. I really really love her so much. She begged me to start everything again... I can see how sincere she is, how sorry, and how hurt she is for what happened. I told her not to go back there anymore and live her life with me now. I told her to drop everything and start again with me. She said just give her a couple of days to settle everything there like her resignation, etc. She said it will only take two weeks to settle everything there. But her boss told her she needs to stay until they find a replacement for her and render a month to train the replacement which is too long for me... I'm afraid that if I pick the pieces of myself without her helping me I will forget about her and move on alone. I really wanted to grow old with her. I'm also scared that the things she have done will haunt our future. Will we be able to rebuild trust? Can we go back to the untainted happy days like back then?

 

Oh and btw, she really loves her work. Its like her dream. It pains her to drop that job. But she's willing to drop that just to be with me. I dunno what to do right now. Should I wait for more than a month? What if I am healed and have moved on when she gets back? Please I need your advice and opinions. And sorry for my english.

[ChessPieceFace]

Should be in the cheating subforum.

 

Well done on the phone-bug ploy, of course you told a huge lie but IMO the ends justified the means in this instance, since you sniffed out a cheater.

 

Your response though is puzzling. You took a huge risk with that lie, you found out she was cheating, but now you're staying with this cheater? What was the point then?

 

I don't agree with staying with this woman. You're clearly deluding yourself as to your future with her, clinging to whatever hope and positive beliefs you can about your relationship. The reality is she made a choice, a choice to cheat on you, and while nothing is certain, the odds clearly show that it's likely she will do it again. That's the future you are likely facing staying with her.

[SJC2008]

Why do you want to grow old with somene whose physical needs can lack of impulse control come at the expense of your feelings? Deal breaker!

[Sunshine87]

Sometimes people deserve second chances. Nobody would be married and relationships would never last if people walked out immediately challenges ensued.

 

Go for counselling together to rebuild the relationship. If you believe she is sincere. However, don't tell her that you are willing to take her back YET. Tell her you need some time apart to think! Leave her alone for about a week so she has more time to reflect and so she doesn't have an easy one. Tell her not to contact you as you want to have a think. Dont contact her either.

After a week, you could talk and then go for counselling together in order to work your differences.

 

Look, cheating is horrible. But humans are prone to bad decisions. What matters to me is if the person has a history or cheating, if the person is remorseful and if the person has resolved to change. I am a forgiving person and I find it hard to give up on people if they desire change.

[pcplod]

Absolutely no-one can give you the advice you might need to hear. Absolutely no-one. For some people having sex with someone else while in a committed relationship is just an intrinsic deal-breaker that stikes to the very core of their being, their moral compass, their self-esteem, their sense of value of their self. Are you that sort of person?

 

If you had been her and had been the person pulling a lonely period overseas do you know for sure that you could pass up all opportunities or offers? Is your libido as strong as hers? Could you understand someone who's sexual drive is that strong that they would put something that has a higher intrinsic value at a risk as a result? I know I can't but I do accept that there are those, both men and women, who are made up like that.

 

Is a woman whose libido is that compelling to her the sort of sexual partner you are looking for? I mean, if her libido was lower, it is possible that she wouldn't have had that fling overseas, but then she might not be as keen for sex with you either. It is a possible conundrum.

 

I have a tentative suggestion for you. Trust is something that we are all seeking. More than that, we instinctively want to be able to take that for granted for the comfort, peace-of-mind and indeed complacency that it can grant us while we struggle with the worries and angsts that life throws at us that we simply cannot avoid, cannot control. Maybe, seeking that sort of trust is just wrong? Maybe it is seeking the wrong life priorities? Maybe it is the wrong perspective on a high-value relationship? Maybe we shouldn't expect that trust? Maybe we should seek to constantly renew that trust in one another, renew it on a daily basis? Maybe trust is not something that we should not be granted but instead something that we should earn and that we should have to re-earn on a constant basis?

 

I don't know really, I don't know what the answer is, or whether there even is an answer, for you, me or anyone else. I really don't.

 

Is the bottom line that you, and her, really want to resolve this? Or do you want retribution in some form or another? Is asking her to give up her job really the answer or is it succumbing to your own fears, uncertainties, lack of confidence?

 

I think that if you have any doubts about being able to survive this I would earnestly encourage you to end it sooner rather than later and let her try to salvage that job she really loves. That would be an honest and honourable thing to do, irrespective of the circumstances.

 

Having said that, if her boss has any notion what the cause of her job difficulties are, it is quite possible that the job is effectively over in any event because they are likely to be pissed off and under no obligation to be understanding, especially if the terms of her contract under such circumstances explicitly forbid such fraternisation. Some employers do try to enforce such contractual terms, for all too good reasons from their perspective.

[Aerrie]

Long Distance R do not work.