Lostsoul54 Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 Hello all, new here and I need help... Summary: First real love after 15 years of being alone and raising my daughter. I met him off of a dating site last June. He was from another city but had relocated here for his job, and his children live there (8 hours away). He made me feel deliriously happy, I was walking on air. He met my entire family, came over to family gatherings many times. Four months in the problems started, (he travels for his job), wouldn't contact me for several days (normally we would talk or text every night). His mother died right before Thanksgiving. A week before Christmas he found out he would have to be transferred to another city. He was upset, didn't want to move, said he would not have started a relationship with me had he known he was going to be moved. He backed off for a couple of weeks to think about things but we kept seeing each other. I had fallen madly in love with him and the thought of losing him because of his job was killing me. We had been talking about moving in together (his idea), before he found out he would be moving again. He broke up with me in February, (still no idea when or where his company was moving him to), I was devastated! He texted me to tell me he had met someone new, I felt like someone was actually ripping my heart out of my chest with their bare hands, the physical pain was excruciating. There were times when I couldn't breathe... I would wake up crying in the middle of the night. I loved this man with every fiber of my being. Two weeks later he called me to apologize and said he felt bad because he had lied to me, he said there never was another woman he just told me that because he thought it would make me mad and I would get over him sooner, but he missed me, was madly in love with me, wanted me to move with him when he left. Begged me to forgive him for breaking up. I took him back, but he kept me at arms length. He told me he loved me, but was worried about his move as his company was reorganizing and even if he accepted the transfer, he could still lose his job. He would feel horrible if I relocated with him to a strange city and then he lost his job. We're both in our 50's, he has children he has to help out financially (one still in college). I hung in there with him, but as his company kept telling him they were going to move him here or there - he pulled away more, stressed out, suffering from depression. Finally he found out in April what city they were moving him to and he broke up with me the next day. I am doing better this time around then the first breakup, but I still feel like I've been hit by a truck. The idea of him never being in my life again is unacceptable. He tells me he loves me and is only breaking up with me due to his job insecurity. Our one year anniversary would have been last week. He has asked me not to contact him, because its hard on him also, but he thinks a clean break is the best. He knows how much I love him... and I don't do well with no contact. I texted him several times (a week or two in between each) telling him how much i miss him, etc. We've seen each other a couple of times (my request). He is always very pleasant with me, never has lost his temper. I told him he needs to give me time to accept it, and that I might contact him again a couple of times but would eventually just go away. We decided to remain friends - but that it might take some time of no contact to get to that point. Three weeks passed and I called him to ask him how he liked his new job (he still hasn't moved yet but is apartment hunting in the new city). We talked briefly. Later that night I texted him and apologized to him for calling - that I knew he wanted to end it. I told him that i had deleted all of his info from my phone and after i sent that last text to him I would delete that also and he would not hear from me again. He did not respond, but i didn't expect him to. Then three hours later he sends me a text saying "you need to move the hell on, I have another woman I am in love with. I've been ignoring you for several months and you would think you would get the hint that i don't want you. We can't be friends. Don't contact me again by mail, phone, email, etc. I am asking you nicely this time but next time it won't be so nice". I was so mad! He had NOT been ignoring me for several months - just at Easter he was going to have his kids drive down to meet me (i had not met his family yet as they lived so far away. I was supposed to go there with him for Thanksgiving, but then his mother died and i thought that would not be the best time for them to meet me) and have Easter dinner at my house. I had told him all along if he ever found someone else, or just lost feelings for me to just tell me and I would move on - but he always said "I am only breaking up with you because i have to move", even the two times i saw him after he broke up he told me the same thing. So here i had been holding on for months afraid i was going to lose him, thought he loved me, was making a sacrifice to leave me for financial reasons for his family, etc. But i still respected him. In the one year we were together we had never had an argument, we got along so well together. I got so mad when i read that last text that I sent him a scalding text. Months of anguish were wrapped up in that text. I totally expected to never hear from him again but he actually responded, and once again he said he cared for me and it was because of his job... but by now it was too late, I was tired of hurting. Did he ever love me? Was he lying to me? Did he actually have another woman, and if so in what city? He was leaving this one, didn't know anyone in the new one, and was still 6-8 hours from his home town, so where was she and when did he have time to date her? (not that it matters anyway). I loved this man so much, but I was cruel in my text to him (and I am never cruel!). That was just a few days ago, and the anger was helping me to feel better, like I could easily go on without him. But I still miss him and my heart hurts and the anger is fading. I don't want to see him again, he lied to me when he said he loved me. My head knows that but why can't my heart accept it? I feel like all the color has been removed from life. I had break ups when i was younger, I had been married and divorced in my 20's... I never remember any of them hurting like this. Is it because its been so long since I've been in love? I know people break up every day - how do they cope with this pain? Why is this hitting me so hard? I am sick at my stomach and just want a truck to hit me and make the pain stop. Ugh, at 54 you would think relationships would be easier... I am seeing a counselor and have been for a couple of months now, but it hasn't helped with the pain, or the longing, or the crying at night... maybe its so bad because i had wanted a relationship for so long, had been lonely, found this man and I thought he was perfect. Maybe it was the idea of the relationship that i am mourning, and not him. But i really miss him. I have prayed for god to help me deal with this, to remove the pain... nothing helps, talking about it doesn't help, journaling just makes me cry more. I'm a mess. Thank goodness I am swamped at work, that gives me a bit of a reprieve, but the moment i hit the car to drive home the tears start. Its been almost 2 months since he broke up with me. My horrid text to him (which he deserved) was just a few days ago. When will it get better? Will this hole in my chest ever close up??? How can I date again when i love him so much (even though I think he's a liar now), and I am afraid the same thing will happen again. I love hard, and when i fall in love it takes me a long time to get over someone... A friend told me that being in love was like crack - you can get addicted to it. Maybe I am addicted to him? If I cry any more my eyeballs are going to float out of the house. Any words of wisdom?
Viv Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 Hi, I'm so sorry for what you are going through, I came to this board a couple of years ago, and reading your words reminded of the pain I felt then. Even though it doesn't feel like it now, it will get better, I promise. It really is like breaking an addiction, and the pain you are going through is an withdrawal. If you are up to reading then I really recommend The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson. It helped me understand that what I was feeling was normal. Eventually you should see that you deserve better than being with someone who rejects you, and keeps you at arms length. Telling you that he met someone and then that it was a lie is cruel and immature, someone who exhibits these behaviours cannot be a good partner, ever. It does sound like there may have been someone else from when he first pushed you away, but even if there wasn't, he sounds like someone best avoided. *hugs* V
BrokenHeartedSavior Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 Drop him and walk away. Me smells a rat.
forgetmenot75 Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 I am very sorry for your suffering. I need to point you out though, he's been very clear. He couldn't be more clear. Sometimes we need others to realize what is happening, because in our mind we tend to transfigure the reality. He is being nice to you, because he may feel guilty, but he is not on love with you, he doesn't care at all about you, he's telling you to move on and no contact him anymore, he's telling you he's in love with another woman! What else do you need to hear? Cry as much as you need, you don't have this man anymore, nor you will have him ever. I'm really sorry, you need to move on. He's been extremely clear, he doesn't want to hear from you, he doesn't want to be friends with you, he wants you out of his life.
bob the brave Posted June 15, 2013 Posted June 15, 2013 Believe me, we all know your pain. I saw a documentary one day where they compared PET brain scans of people with a broken leg and an emotionally broken heart. They were virtually identical. Their point was that the brain actually considers a broken heart real just like a broken leg. We can give words of wisdom, but at 54 you've probably heard them all. It will simply take time. But, I am so sorry you got deciecved in this way. When you are looking for someone special to share your life with, find them and then have them taken away, it can be very painful. I know, I have been there. Here's a guy's take based on your info. Nobody gets transfered but dosen't know where. Plus, even if he did, if you truly care for someone, that would make no difference about still wanting to be with them, whatever is takes. That was an excuse, probably because he found someone else. I think he tried to be a descent guy and let you done easily. That is why he lied. He wanted shield you from the pain and avoid the guilt. When that didn't work he actually told you the truth. He kept going back and forth, a bit confused himself. Things finally got bad because you didn't want to give up the relationship, but he did. I am sorry you got hurt. I don't know why people are so stupid. It is not always possible for people to tell when or if they really like someone and often one or both parties move to quickly and invest to much to early. This not only helps create an unrealistic situation (you become attracted to someone you THINK they are before you KNOW who they are). Or, some people just like being in a relationship. The magic word that can prevent all of this is simple - RESPECT. He should have told the other person he was in a relationship and wait until he ended it. Then tell you the truth from the beginning, apologize for leading you on. That he really thought it might work, but he just wasn't ready for a commitment and move on. It would have hurt, but everyone would be honest and things would have made sense. This guy sounds like some people I have known that like the excitement of a new relationship, the attraction, flirting, chasing. Then, when things cool down they simply start looking for someone else to feel that again. So, it was not you, he simply was on to the next. I have seen people do this, not realize they do this and be in constant pain as one relationship after the other burns to the ground. Then they run for comfort with a new person only to do it again. I know it hurts when you're alone, but you are so much better off without him. You have salvaged your integrity, grown stronger as a person and have now freed yourself to find the guy that will really will love you. Then you will wonder how you could have been torn up over such an idiiot. Next time just move a bit slower, invest carefully. I think it truly takes a year or more to know someone at that level.
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