This is going to blow up in my face

[BLo7687]

So the ex has been calling/texting me again since he got out of boot camp for the past couple of days. He called me once while he was at boot camp and left a long voicemail but I did not answer. Like an idiot I've been answering his calls now. I basically told him congrats and that I was happy for him. He wanted to catch up and talk about what's been going on with both our lives. We were on/off for 2 years. It's been 6 months since the BU. He moved on quickly with someone else after (he's still with her) and we were on LC after he got with her. To be honest, I feel like these past couple of days of talking definitely brought back some old feelings between us and probably opened up a can of worms.

 

Last night he admitted he thought about me at boot camp and really wanted to talk to me. Thought about if we would of worked out. Kept asking me if I had a boyfriend and how I was doing now. Even called me babe again by accident. He was like "I don't know why but I still find myself still calling/texting you. I really thought you were the one but I felt like I cared about you more than you did with me. So I had to leave in order for you to realize things. No one compares to what we had. We had our own jokes and had our own little thing. It's like in the movies where you know the bad guy has all these flaws but you know they're the right person for you." But at the same time he said his girlfriend is good to him and makes an effort. That all he needed was someone to make an effort. That he can't talk about certain things because of her. That he's not going to leave something good in his life right now. He said he does not love her yet but he does have feelings for her.

 

I basically told him I hope he's happy and that I'm sure he's treating him better than I did. That I'm sorry for taking him for granted. At that time I wasn't ready for anything and I would of never changed if he didnt do what he did. That he made me want to become a better person. That it took me losing him so I can appreciate my next relationship. If we would of worked out, I would of changed and done all these little things for him. I told him life is crazy. You'll never know what happens. What's meant to be will find it's way back. He agreed.

 

He asked me if it bothers me that he still calls/texts. I said no but I do want to respect his girlfriend. That I can go without talking to him again. He said his girl knows we talk but I'm sure he doesn't tell her everything we talk about.

 

The reality is....I took him for granted. He dumped me. I fought for him. He chose a different route/gave up on us. He's with someone else now.

 

Sticky situation. I probably dug myself a deeper hole here. I know I shouldn't be answering his calls/texts but I guess I was curious as well to see how he was doing.

 

Now people have told me he still cares/has feelings/not over me but I know these are nothing but breadcrumbs breadcrumbs breadcrumbs...

[BLo7687]

Just a quick update...as I predicted this would blow up in my face. I have nothing to blame but myself for even allowing it.

 

Since he's been back, for the past 2 weeks he's been nothing but breadcrumbing me. He's been texting/calling, seeking attention at times, bringing up old feelings/old memories, thinking about what if's etc. So I finally told him how I felt these past couple of days and that we should stop talking to each other and to stop contacting me. Of course he disagreed and tried to talk me out of it. To him it's not like were flirting or hanging out. I told him I know but your still bringing up old feelings and that I know he doesn't tell his girlfriend everything. He's like "I only tell her what she needs to know". I told him it isn't fair to her or me and I wanted to respect her. Basically told him to only call/text me if it's an emergency or if he really needs to talk to me but otherwise we really don't need to be talking like this. That this would probably be the last time he'd hear from me. I told him he needed to let go of me. That whatever this is or was, we need to let go of it. That he'll never know the potential he has with her if I'm still around. He wanted to get out of subject and start reminiscing about the past again. And I'm like SEE this is what I'm talking about. He basically said if I'm not in the picture, he could potentially fall in love with her (probably one of the most selfish things I've heard anyone say). To end things, I told him that I don't hate him and wish him the best with everything but this isn't right. He was like okay if this is what I wanted, that I should just go ahead and stick with it. That he'll leave me alone.

 

I swear he's like the king of breadcrumbs. Wanting to have the cake and eat it too. Sorry but I'm not trying to be in this love triangle. Fck that.

 

Sometimes I think I revert back to thinking about him because there's no one else at the moment and the dating scene has been AWFUL. I know if I started dating someone that I actually liked, I'd probably get over him.

 

Anyways back to NC.

 

Any thoughts?

[lop98]

Not many thoughts here but reading stories like this always reinforce NC for me. Just block him out, close all channels available for him to contact you and take the road uphill, it's going to be very hard but after a couple months, even though it won't necessarily be easier, it will all be clearer.

[BLo7687]

I know I'll probably be feeling crappy for the next few weeks/days but I'll have to get through it. I've been heartbroken with a previous ex before even more than the one now so I know eventually it gets better. I remember it took over a year to get over the previous ex. I basically had an epiphany one day and was just done with it. He's married now and I could care less about him. That was 3 years ago and eventually I met the recent ex 3 months later.

 

I really hope it doesn't take another year to get over the recent one now. And it's not like I'm sitting at home moping around. I've gone out, partied, have friends that I hangout with almost every weekend, done rebounds/hang out with guys, met new people, join activities, and thinking about going back to school or getting a better job, etc. And at the end of the night I still feel empty as hell. I swear all the bad karma has caught up to me since the year started. I guess it's just not my time. This whole waiting around sucks to be honest and it doesn't get better now that I'm getting a little bit older.