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Wanting really badly to break NC


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Posted

I've been NC for a week... I am proud of myself but my heart is achy.

 

I am on the brink of tears; again. I'm tired of dreaming of him and waking up and reaching for him and feeling the body pillow I put there so I don't feel quite as alone.

 

I miss him so much. I don't know if I am the dumper or dumpee. He said he needed space and ignored me for basically a full week. He never said he wanted out, and I gave him his space for 5 days, but the last two days I really tried to reason with him. (I understand how stupid it is to try and contact someone who doesn't want to be contacted. Really. I get that now. But he has done this disappearing thing before). So, eventually, 1.5 weeks after his little disappearing act and him not really talking to me (things like 'goodnight' and randomly a 'let's just let go), I told him I got the message and wished him luck- he replied with a 'you, too.'

 

I don't see how I could feel any worse. The past couple days I've gotten breadcrumbs from him. For whatever reason, he's thinking about me.

 

I would be happy to hear his voice again. I just miss my best friend.

 

I think if I reached out... He would reach back. But I don't know if my intentions are as innocent as I am making them out to be.

 

If he called me, I don't know what I'd say. Probably I am really miserable now- but I was more miserable when he ignored me.

 

This is so sad. I am so scattered. And I just want to call him or email him or text him... Help.

  • Author
Posted

Well...

 

I unfortunately did it. As they say, nothing good ever happens after 2 AM.

 

I will post later about the repercussions of my texting him. Oy vei.

 

It has been quite the couple weeks. Please don't be disappointed in me, LS.

Posted

No one here is disappointed in you, they/we just don't want you to learn the hard way. We already know the outcome. Everyone here is supportive.

 

Lol @ "oy vei", My ex used to say that!

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  • Author
Posted

So, I texted him last Thursday night, saying simply "I miss you."

 

He replied as follows:

 

Him: Oh god, I miss you.

 

Him again: It just keeps raining, and it won't stop. And I miss you, so badly.

 

Me: I wish things had worked out differently and you were beside me right now. I hope you found whatever it was you were looking for.

 

Him: I found it. It's not ok. Really it is not. But I am better for it. Toughens you, makes you harder.

 

Him again: And I miss you. After speaking with someone about you that cares for me, they think I should be with you. (Ummmmmmmmm what?!)

 

Him again: No amount of drinking or anything has given me the peace that you have given me. (Again... Ummm... What? Since when does he have such an affection toward drinking?!)

 

Me: As sweet as that is, it doesn't matter what your friend thinks. It matters what you think and what I think. I loved you very much but I think our relationship might have been my dream at the time and I tried to make it as if it was yours as well. If there comes a time you know what you want, and that it is me, feel free to reach out.

 

 

 

So... In conclusion... Though I was not necessarily disappointed by the answer, I was made more confused. Especially since he hasn't said anything since; it's been 5 days since this conversation.

 

For real. Ugh. I have to remember that if he wants to reach out--- he will. NOW, all I want to do is text him again...

 

I feel like I am still in this relationship. I need to let go mentally.

Posted (edited)

please keep us updated. me in same situation. its just i am a boy in exactly your situation and the girl doesn't says a word about US together. :)

Edited by hidden_ua
  • Author
Posted

For the past few hours... I have been quite hopeful.

 

He emailed me last night telling me he had been trying to text and call me but something was wrong with this phone. We emailed back and forth- he told me tidbits about his life, that he missed me, that he loved me... That I complete him... Eventually, he asked me to come over.

 

He said he needed to see me- basically begged.

 

I said ok- if he was sure that was what he wanted.

 

He said we will see each other tomorrow (today) no matter what and that he couldn't wait to see me. He said I still love you. He said that he just wanted to snuggle- and had nothing to say but was willing to listen.

 

I was supposed to go to him at 8. At 3 today he texted me and said he couldn't see me today, that it had been too long and it was too painful.

 

I said fine- I wasn't going to change his mind. But we said no matter what. So I was going to his apartment. I would just drop off his things (probably cry in the car), and have at least some closure. I told him I needed this for myself and that it was the very last thing I could do for him and our relationship --- and I was going to do this.

 

So... I'm going tonight. I told him he could participate or not, it really didn't matter. This is something I wanted to do and something I am going to do. I also told him that it was clear tonight is our last chance.

 

My heart hurts- I don't think he will be there.

 

But I tried the very, very best that I could... And after tonight I can also say I fought for us until the very end.

 

I don't think a lot of you will agree with my actions and words- but it is the very best I can do right now.

 

Thanks for your support.

  • Author
Posted

I went.

 

He wasn't home. But I am so proud of myself for going.

 

I wrote him a letter- left it in his mailbox.

Done.

 

I wanted to cry when I was dropping off his stuff on his porch- but I didn't. I was holding back tears the whole entire time... But... In a way... It's kind of a relief to know that it is over and I am not in limbo anymore.

 

I told him tonight was the last chance our relationship had; after all, he was the one that asked to get together. And his decision... Was loud and clear.

 

My heart really hurts... He never actually broke up with me... Just kind of disappeared. But, now.. I know.. He is gone and wants to be... Even if he was really vague and f***ed with my mind a lot. Even if he claims he still loves me.

 

I did everything I could. Everything.

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