eachcomingnight Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 (edited) I don't know why I'm posting this because I guess I don't really need advice but I wanted to get it out. My ex broke up with me in March after nearly two years of a relationship. We were together for around 3 months of each year (during the summer) and flew to see each other once every approximately 2 months during the rest of the year. We met while working together at a summer camp that hired internationally (though we are older than most counselors, at 27 & 28). We were doing exceptionally well until about February of this year, when he expressed feeling distant; our next trip together was basically our last hurrah/saying goodbye. The reasons he gave were relatively common (I need to "find myself," "don't know if I'm ready for this," etc. etc.) As he was relatively averse to serious relationships prior to this, I assume my plan to find a job in England this coming school year brought his anxieties to a head and he could not cope with this kind of commitment. Additionally, when he made this decision, he was in the midst of quitting his job and moving to a new city for a new job, hoping to change his career path. He joked about having a "quarter life crisis..." So we've been broken up for almost two months now. I broke NC once at about the one-month mark and, predictably, didn't like how it made me feel so I went back right afterwards and have been NC since then. I just found out yesterday that he is coming back to camp this year - a decision that he must have made in the last few weeks, and which also means he quit his job (not finding the fulfillment he was looking for, perhaps?) While I've been doing exceptionally well over the past month, dutifully doing all the things a good dumpee does to take care of themselves, this has put me in a bit of a predicament. I was planning to return to my camp for a bit before I head over to England - I've worked there for five years, and it's my only opportunity to spend time with some of my closest friends from around the world. I want to see my returning campers and spend time in the mountains. But the part of me that is so stubbornly looking out for my well-being insists this is not worth the risk that seeing him will entail. I am thinking I should probably figure out when he's coming and try to sneak in a bit of time at camp before he gets here, and then leave before he arrives. It will take a lot of willpower and it will be a sacrifice of what I really want, but I have absolutely no way of knowing if I'll be able to handle seeing him. Just getting it out there. I don't feel especially troubled or bothered by the situation, just a little unsure and unsteady. Wish me luck, I guess... Thanks for your ongoing support. P.S. Just realize I didn't explain the England thing - I'm still moving there, even though we're no longer together. It's something I've wanted to do for a long time and I got a fantastic job over there, so I'm really looking forward to the experience!!! Edited June 14, 2013 by eachcomingnight
inaya42 Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 thanks for sharing your experience. i have been through something similar with an LDR. these relationships are so tough because the stakes are so high. in your ex's case, i am sure that part of his fear of commitment had to do with not wanting to allow you to make the tremendous sacrifice to come to his country and have the relationship fail. in other words, the impact to your life would be considerably more substantial than a heavy heart (which is bad enough!), and i don't think he could bear that. i do think you should avoid him when he is at camp for the summer by attending an earlier/later session or skipping it altogether, if possible. the remainder of your story with this man will be written while you are in the UK. either the relationship is gone for good, or you will be friends, or you may find your way back together. but whatever happens, it needs to happen organically and over time, which you will not have much of over the summer. also, you do not want to cause more doubt and negativity to fester before getting to the UK by having contact with your ex before doing so. i hope this helps.
Author eachcomingnight Posted June 14, 2013 Author Posted June 14, 2013 Thanks, that actually really was helpful!! I agree that his commitment fears were really magnified by the need for me to relocate to be with him. I think he was terrified that it wouldn't work out in the end and thought it would be awful for me to end up heartbroken in a country that wasn't my own. That kind of anxiety, I think, can override any kinds of feelings that you have. (I have dealt with commitment fears in my past as well.) Thank you very much for your insight about the summer. I do think that's the best approach even though a tiny, tiny part of me that I've worked so hard to bury wants to just see him and figure out if those feelings still exist on his part. I believe that they probably do - it wasn't an easy decision for him to make. But I think it's too soon to see him and seeing him at camp would make it much more emotionally charged than bumping into him on the streets of London. 1
inaya42 Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 i agree. i would only ever resume contact with an LDR ex if we were somehow going to be in the same place for a long time. it is just so much easier to let things come together (or not) organically and without the pressure or planning that often complicates long-distance romances. either way, enjoy camp and your UK adventures in the fall!
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