aloneinaz Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 I feel you on the anxiety part. I deal with anxiety anyway and this break up made it worse. How long has it been since you broke up and went NC? Did she end it or did you? I saw that you've been no contact for a month. Have you guys ever broken up and gotten back before? You're taking ownership of the problems that caused the break up. Is she not willing to give it another chance?
Author pasteurization Posted June 16, 2013 Author Posted June 16, 2013 Hi Aloneinaz-- The circumstances of the breakup are what makes it so hard. I posted this elsewhere, but I'll put it here since this thread is getting more response: I met her right after my divorce, and I was, I think, a bit crazy with wanting to see a lot of women. I have no idea why she stuck by me during this time---I definitely wasn't a great boyfriend. There was a lot of pulling away then getting back together. After time, I settled down, but I had already lost her trust, and she eventually pulled away for good. She wants to be friends and is very nice to me. I tried the friend thing for a while, but it was driving me crazy--I wanted her back--so I told her I needed NC to get over her, and she was very understanding. Now I'm in the usual panic / abandonment stage and I want to break the NC, but I'm the one who initiated it, and going back to the "just friends" thing is too painful. I also can't direct any blame toward her for breaking up with me---it's my fault and I'm having a hard time forgiving myself. I feel stuck. Any help would be appreciated.
aloneinaz Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 I don't know. She's gone 30 days of no contact with you now so she might be wanting to move on w/her life. Often times when one of the parties feels abused in the relationship, they don't want to go round two of it. You might be better off letting more time go by to heal and then continue dating to find someone else while learning from your mistakes w/her. As to the desensitization post, I wouldn't look at pictures, letters, etc. If you're really struggling still, that's going to set you back. I can see going to places that remind you of her but even then, unless you have to, why put yourself through that? I think you should wait till you feel like your more over this person to do any of those things. Also, keep yourself busy, go on dates for female companionship.
scorpio1978 Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 After a few days of depression after a break-up or feeling bad, I start to slowly expose myself to things that remind me of the person. Scorpio-- Have you actually taken this to the point of looking at old pictures of the two of you, or re-reading love letters? I can't bear to even think of doing that.... I haven't taken it that far. I think that's a bit much because when would you in every day life NEED to do that? I do it more in the sense of this: my ex is Hawaiian. I NEED to drive to work, so if I drive and see a license plate from Hawaii, I don't look away any more. I look at it and try to think good things. His favorite food is sushi. I used to go to the sushi aisle in my grocery store and think of him when we were dating. I need food, so to make my shopping less anxious, I go to the sushi aisle to expose myself so that if I am ever in an unfamiliar store and I see seaweed for sushi, I won't feel like I got sucker punched. It's a little as of telling myself "It's no big deal, you've seen this before". Otherwise, everywhere I went, I would see reminders that take the wind out of me. Just yesterday, I was shopping and saw a shirt he owns and rather than look away and miss him, feeling bad, I walked over and looked at it more. I know it sounds ridiculous in some ways, but I could barely leave my house after a break-up years ago because there were reminders everywhere and it was like waiting for something bad to happen every time I went somewhere. I couldn't live like that. His name was Tom. I saw a lady wearing Toms brand shoes, in the grocery store, there was as Toms brand mouthwash. There was a DVD of the movie "Tommy Boy" in the check-out aisle. It felt like it never ended and I suffered greatly because I never addressed it. I have gone back and read e-mails and letters, but it is usually months, sometimes years later when I don't feel the same way any more about the person. That is the only time I think it is acceptable. Until then, stay away from the letters, e-mails, and my goodness DO NOT listen to voicemails.
scorpio1978 Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 Hi Aloneinaz-- The circumstances of the breakup are what makes it so hard. I posted this elsewhere, but I'll put it here since this thread is getting more response: I met her right after my divorce, and I was, I think, a bit crazy with wanting to see a lot of women. I have no idea why she stuck by me during this time---I definitely wasn't a great boyfriend. There was a lot of pulling away then getting back together. After time, I settled down, but I had already lost her trust, and she eventually pulled away for good. She wants to be friends and is very nice to me. I tried the friend thing for a while, but it was driving me crazy--I wanted her back--so I told her I needed NC to get over her, and she was very understanding. Now I'm in the usual panic / abandonment stage and I want to break the NC, but I'm the one who initiated it, and going back to the "just friends" thing is too painful. I also can't direct any blame toward her for breaking up with me---it's my fault and I'm having a hard time forgiving myself. I feel stuck. Any help would be appreciated. Being the first woman to date a man after a divorce is really tough. I know because I have been there twice. There will be no third time! She may be doing a little of beating herself up too for getting involved when you were in a different mind set. I know that is what I did. I thought I would be different and there would be no way he would want to date other people. WRONG! So, you can't torture yourself for being a human being and wanting to experience life after your marriage was over. It's not realistic to think that a man fresh out of a marriage would want to settle down right away anyway. You met a great girl, just not in the right time frame. I know it's tough because you want her back, but you still have a lot of living to do. Give it more time. If you still feel the same way in another month or so, reach out and see what happens. Maybe in that time frame, things will heat up with someone else like this new girl. But, regardless, you and the ex both need some time to reflect.
Author pasteurization Posted June 16, 2013 Author Posted June 16, 2013 Great advice Scorpio-- thanks! By the way, what did you want to ask me via private message a few posts ago? Can you say publicly? Very curious...
scorpio1978 Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 Great advice Scorpio-- thanks! By the way, what did you want to ask me via private message a few posts ago? Can you say publicly? Very curious... I'd rather not. I don't want to deal with the backlash from other readers. It just had to do with advice for the woman who is the first one after a divorce. Kinda wanted a man's perspective on where his head is at, what a girl should and shouldn't do. But, I asked when I still was thinking there was a chance my ex and I could get back together. His divorce just finalized. Sadly, there is no chance, so I am moving on. Thanks though
Author pasteurization Posted June 17, 2013 Author Posted June 17, 2013 Hi Scorpio-- I can certainly tell you about myself post-divorce. Maybe that will give a little perspective: I've been divorced about 5 years, and I look back at how I behaved in the few years right after the split with shame and regret. I think something chemical changed in my brain (too much testosterone?) after the release from years of a bad marriage, and I became a complete jerk. I dated as many women as I could, and was completely blind to how much I was using them and how much damage I was doing. I honestly am considering trying to track each one down and sending them a note of apology (not sure if this is a great idea...) In the past year or so, I've gone back to being the person that I was before all this, but the wreckage of that period remains. I'll be very careful not to repeat those mistakes in any future relationships. 1
scorpio1978 Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 Hi Scorpio-- I can certainly tell you about myself post-divorce. Maybe that will give a little perspective: I've been divorced about 5 years, and I look back at how I behaved in the few years right after the split with shame and regret. I think something chemical changed in my brain (too much testosterone?) after the release from years of a bad marriage, and I became a complete jerk. I dated as many women as I could, and was completely blind to how much I was using them and how much damage I was doing. I honestly am considering trying to track each one down and sending them a note of apology (not sure if this is a great idea...) In the past year or so, I've gone back to being the person that I was before all this, but the wreckage of that period remains. I'll be very careful not to repeat those mistakes in any future relationships. I see. So basically, you could have dated the most amazing, wonderful woman in the world and because you were going through this some-what destructive phase, it really wouldn't have mattered how great she was and how perfect she could have been, you would never have seen that? Would you say that is an accurate depiction? I am beating myself up for dating a man fresh out of a marriage when in all reality, he wasn't ready. I now know it's not me, but there was a good amount of time that I thought I could have done better or acted a certain way. That's all...
Author pasteurization Posted June 18, 2013 Author Posted June 18, 2013 That is a completely accurate description, and In fact, exactly what I went through. I did date the most amazing, wonderful woman during that phase of my life, and completely ruined it because I was in that post-divorce psychosis and couldn't see what I had. I'm on this site right now because I'm having a hard time dealing with my regret and pain after she finally wised up and stopped loving me. If he's anything like me, this phase will burn out in a while, and he will be left with the same regret. I guarantee it has nothing at all to do with you.
scorpio1978 Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 That is a completely accurate description, and In fact, exactly what I went through. I did date the most amazing, wonderful woman during that phase of my life, and completely ruined it because I was in that post-divorce psychosis and couldn't see what I had. I'm on this site right now because I'm having a hard time dealing with my regret and pain after she finally wised up and stopped loving me. If he's anything like me, this phase will burn out in a while, and he will be left with the same regret. I guarantee it has nothing at all to do with you. Sadly, I wish we could speed up the process and have him regretting now, because as sad as this is, right now, I would take him back. He was a great man, just wasn't ready and faded, handling things in a shi**y way and leaving me with a lot of questions and feeling hurt. I cannot hang on and wait for the time when or if he does come around, so I am moving on, but if he could feel even half of what you feel right now, I would be better off because I would be with him. But, it's just a timing thing. I really do wish you the best. You can't beat yourself up either. I am sorry you are hurting and I really hope you come to a peaceful resolution and feel better. You have to do whatever you need to to make yourself to feel better. Almost go into survival mode. I find that this site really does help!
Author pasteurization Posted June 18, 2013 Author Posted June 18, 2013 Scorpio-- We should just date each other--- we could both have rebound relationships, forget about our exes, then realize it was a mistake at the same time....
bluegreen Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 Scorpio-- We should just date each other--- we could both have rebound relationships, forget about our exes, then realize it was a mistake at the same time.... LOL is he g-or gr ? If g then I think I have more chance am also a scorpio
scorpio1978 Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 Scorpio-- We should just date each other--- we could both have rebound relationships, forget about our exes, then realize it was a mistake at the same time.... Haha! Well, I am easy on the eyes and I make a kick-ass lasagna. Is that enough? That's all I got right now
Author pasteurization Posted June 18, 2013 Author Posted June 18, 2013 Cute and makes lasagna? Sounds absolutely perfect right now. I'm not so bad looking myself, but I think that making toast is probably the limit of my culinary skills... Any chance you're anywhere near Austin TX? Seriously, wouldn't it be great if there were a dating site for people in the middle of bad heartbreak? It would be so comforting to hang out with someone else in the same boat (while eating lasagna)... 1
scorpio1978 Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 Cute and makes lasagna? Sounds absolutely perfect right now. I'm not so bad looking myself, but I think that making toast is probably the limit of my culinary skills... Any chance you're anywhere near Austin TX? Seriously, wouldn't it be great if there were a dating site for people in the middle of bad heartbreak? It would be so comforting to hang out with someone else in the same boat (while eating lasagna)... It certainly would be a new concept! While I hear Austin is very nice, I am in Southern California supposed to be living in one of the most beautiful cities in the world. I gotta get out more though. I spend so much time giving others advice on going out, enjoying their atmosphere and meeting new people. Time to practice what I preach. My ex and I work across the street from each other. Ugh! No escape during the day, so I think I need to whoop it up at night for sure!
Author pasteurization Posted June 19, 2013 Author Posted June 19, 2013 Wow---I'd have a hard time if my ex worked across the street. I think I'd be too tempted to wait around and try to run into them to get that fix of being in their presence. Strange how one word or one bit of contact can make that anxiety go away almost immediately. That's why NC is so hard to maintain...
Recommended Posts