pasteurization Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 I have been in NC with an ex for about a month. I have had the usual symptoms and feel miserable, but I put myself on Match.com, and have been out on a few dates despite not feeling like it at all. I think it has helped a bit, being social and getting some attention, but I also feel like I'm not being fair to the people I'm going out with. Is this a bad idea? Should I wait until I'm completely over my ex before dating? It feels like that might be a long time... Thanks for any advice.
Chris715 Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 I'm having pretty much the same dilemma. I have basically zero desire to date anyone but my ex right now yet I feel like I should be forcing myself to get out there again. Wish there was an easy answer for this but I think it's probably on an individual basis on what to do. Sounds like you've already been out on a few dates so you're way ahead of me already. 7 months post BU for me and 3 weeks of NC. Anyway to try to help and not just complain about my own stuff, I say if dating some people makes you feel better keep it up! Just be honest with anyone you're seeing about your situation and your emotional state, sharing as little or as much as you want with them. Hope we both get better soon
todreaminblue Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 i don't know but i am forcing myself to date.......i accepted oen recently yesterday actually and i made it for next week to give me time to think..but i cant say my heart is in it..for some people its good to push yourself to socialize and get out there......i don't know if i am that person..heart says nah....but i have a week..to work up towards going on that date...for now....not gonna think about it.....i wish you luck...hope everything works out for you.....deb
BigTuna Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 I've went through this, guys. Take it from someone that has reached 100% indifference, you can't immediately fill that void of love lost with someone else. I went on a string of dates with a pretty nice girl a few months after my BU, and it probably set me back further. I'm not saying it's the same for everyone, but I just think pursuing another woman/man is not the answer. For the past couple of months, I've just been hanging with friends a couple of evenings a week. I've booked a bunch of gigs to go to later in the year. I've stopped drinking. I exercise more than ever. Do stuff to benefit yourself. I've been in this routine for the past couple of months and I feel like I've moved on. I'm so much happier. Maybe NOW i'm ready to start looking for another girl, but I'm no rush either. One of my favourite quotes from the film/book Into The Wild is "happiness only when shared". I always thought for me, that would be a relationship, I was wrong. Family/friends are equally as important 2
melodicintention Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 You shouldn't date until you are psychologically ready to. If you are still stuck on your ex, then you aren't ready to meet the other person half-way. It's not fair to them, and in the long run it's likely a waste of time. Why not be alone for a while? Cleanse yourself. You don't need anyone to be happy but yourself. Spend some time reflecting and finding your center. Then start dating when you are fresh and ready to concentrate on a new future. 1
Chris715 Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 You shouldn't date until you are psychologically ready to. If you are still stuck on your ex, then you aren't ready to meet the other person half-way. It's not fair to them, and in the long run it's likely a waste of time. Why not be alone for a while? Cleanse yourself. You don't need anyone to be happy but yourself. Spend some time reflecting and finding your center. Then start dating when you are fresh and ready to concentrate on a new future. It makes sense, but it's tough to implement when I have no idea how long I'll be stuck on my ex for. Could be years or I might never get completely over her.
aloneinaz Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 I think it's ridiculous to sit at home for MONTHS and MONTHS doing nothing but dwelling/crying about a FAILED relationship. I agree that some need some time to get over it but others let it consume their lives. There's people on this site who've been mourning a failed relationship for longer than the relationship lasted. Really? There is nothing wrong with seeking some female companionship by going on some casual dates. You're not seeking to go hurt another woman because you're not 100% healed from your last relationship. Dating involves risk on both sides of the fence. There are plenty of women as well that are dating but are not 100% over there last relationship too. You have a choice when dating someone new to take it slow at whatever pace you're comfortable with. There's truth in the ole saying, you can't get over your last love until you find a new one. I dated an old girlfriend for several weeks and feel head over heals again. It didn't work and it HURT LIKE HELL. I waited a couple of weeks and got back on the horse. I then met my now new ex and forgot all about the other girl within a couple of weeks of dating the new one. Of course, I really dug her too. My 14 month on/off relationship ended two weeks ago. She ended it but I knew in my heart she's wasn't for me long term due to her emotional abuse. If I wasn't so lazy and didn't want to start dating again, I would of told her to F-off months ago. She ended it when I told her I wasn't going to let her continue to talk to me in a poor, snotty tone every time she was stressed or annoyed by something I did. I rejoined a dating site and have two dates line up next week. Am I still hurting over my ex, HELL YEA. But in MY case, I know I heal better by getting out again and seeing there are lots of fish in the sea. In many cases, fish that are potentially MUCH better than the previous fish. 3
Inzie2015 Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 It's been a month since my ex broke up with me and the first 2 weeks I was a wreck. I wasn't eating, couldnt sleep or stop crying. I have relied heavily on my mom and good friend for support and its getting better. I have joined match just to meet new people and at least make some friends and honestly it has helped me. I went out on one "date" which was ok but I know I'm not looking for anything serious yet, so just be clear on your intentions. It's nice to just talk to people and you ever know what you at find. I have actually made a couple good friends on there to talk to and I'm sure you will too. But don't force yourself if your not ready. I just accepted the fact that my ex isn't ever coming back and that was the hardest part. But keep strong!
Mack05 Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 (edited) When it comes to breakups and there are questions like "should I".......The answer 99% of the time is nearly always "no you shouldn't..." I do and I don't see harm in dating. I do in the it's a step in the right direction. A step towards recovery. I don't in that (IMO) I feel every person you date deserves 110% of your attention. You think of a girl talking to her friends about a date she is excited about. She gets a beautiful new dress, hair and makeup done to the nines and the dude is thinking only about his ex. That's not fair IMO..I guess this comes down to a judgement call by you. Just don't get into a new relationship too quickly. Jada Pinkett smith wrote this on facebook. It is so very true.. "What do I do with heartbreak? In my experience, heartbreaks have been the most devastating moments in my life. But... each heartbreak delivered me into something new and better. The trick had always been to find what I needed to learn about myself or the circumstance that I had participated in creating that brought me so much pain. First...I had to learn to surrender to the pain and ...suffer through it instead of running right into another relationship where I would tend to fall right back into the same pattern of my previous heartbreak. It took a lot of maturity and courage to choose to suffer through the loss, but I realized that the quality of my relationships were not going to change if I was not going to be willing to... change. Yes... heartbreak is an indicator that we have to change something so we can love and be loved how we truly desire. Heartbreak can be a gift if we are willing to do the work to find it" Edited June 14, 2013 by Mack05
aloneinaz Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 It's been a month since my ex broke up with me and the first 2 weeks I was a wreck. I wasn't eating, couldnt sleep or stop crying. I have relied heavily on my mom and good friend for support and its getting better. I have joined match just to meet new people and at least make some friends and honestly it has helped me. I went out on one "date" which was ok but I know I'm not looking for anything serious yet, so just be clear on your intentions. It's nice to just talk to people and you ever know what you at find. I have actually made a couple good friends on there to talk to and I'm sure you will too. But don't force yourself if your not ready. I just accepted the fact that my ex isn't ever coming back and that was the hardest part. But keep strong! Good for you to go out on a date! I think your head is in the right spot. You know you're not ready to JUMP into another relationship but you realize spending time w/the opposite sex is healing as well. Everyone heals at their own rate AGAIN... sitting home having a continual pitty party for yourself is just sad. I like this site but there are WAY too many sympathy junkies on here, cronically feeling sorry for themselves while their ex's are enjoying their lives. I'm too proud to waste months over a bad relationship. I'm hurting pretty bad at the moment, two weeks post break up and NC. I've also come to the conclusion that I'm missing being in a commited relationship. I've also realized many of us our remembering our ex's from the honeymoon phase, not the REAL people they turned out to be after they let their hair down. My ex was emotionally abusive, controlling, grudge holding, and a **ich!! I think I'm hurting for not dumping her ass first.
Inzie2015 Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 Thanks! And yea I agree I did the whole pity party thing and just had enough, I know he's not going to stop Irving his life so why should I? It's a waste of time trying to get someone back who doesn't want you, I'm not saying he's a bad person because he's not but no point in trying. He told me he didn't see a future with me and I thought I was going to die! And NC is the way to go I feel so much better. I still have days where I'm either sad or pissed. Like my friend says dont get sad get pissed, not at the but at the situation, you are too good to shed tears for them and if they can't see what a great catch you are then f them
aloneinaz Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 Thanks! And yea I agree I did the whole pity party thing and just had enough, I know he's not going to stop Irving his life so why should I? It's a waste of time trying to get someone back who doesn't want you, I'm not saying he's a bad person because he's not but no point in trying. He told me he didn't see a future with me and I thought I was going to die! And NC is the way to go I feel so much better. I still have days where I'm either sad or pissed. Like my friend says dont get sad get pissed, not at the but at the situation, you are too good to shed tears for them and if they can't see what a great catch you are then f them I agree with NC as well. I'm just worried if she contacts me if I'll have the backbone to ignore her. I say this because I've gone back to her after we've broken up before and she's always answered the phone, returned my email or answered the door and then we've reconciled. I think she did this because she knew she was wrong in starting the argument or fight, then broke up w/me and was too proud to call me. She did email me once after she broke up w/me. I don't think we should be mad or harbor anger or bitterness towards someone who ends a relationship respectfully. Meaning, they didn't cheat, lie, or other terrible thing. They simply just didn't see the relationship working any longer. I've ended most all my long term relationships and was very nice in doing it though it sucked. I do think we can be pissed or disappointed when we feel the other didn't put in the same effort or had the main issues that caused the relationship issues and chose to leave the relationship vs. fixing issues in themselves that ended the relationship. I know in my case, my ex has LOTS of issues she needs to address. I think it's too painful for her so her track record has been to end the relationship when people see the true her and find a new one.
IS IT Better late Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 I say date! I've started to date, have one tonight matter of fact. She ain't too bad either lol! The first few dates I went on after the BU were really hard b/c I was still so wrapped up with the ex. The hardest part was getting ready, it was the same routine when would I go see the ex, shower shave, pick out a fresh outfit but I wasn't going to see my ex, I was going to see a different girl, the ride to the date I would get really upset b/c I wished I was going to see her. Also, one of the dates was about 5 mins away from where my ex lived so that was really painful! But as some time as passed I don't get so upset before the dates an now I'm a little more open minded. Just try to give this person the benefit of the doubt and see if they can excite you. That would help take your mind of your ex. I still messed up, but sitting home doing zero, doesn't help mend me. 1
scorpio1978 Posted June 15, 2013 Posted June 15, 2013 I am going to go the opposite here and say DON'T. Now, you will need to get out there eventually, but coming from a girl who dated a man fresh out of a marriage, I assumed because he was asking me out and doing a lot of "couple" things that this could head somewhere and he was ready. Turns out, he wasn't and it wasn't fair to me at all. You run the risk of hurting people and you won't care because your heart is somewhere else. The flip side is this...if you tell people up front that you plan on dating around and aren't ready for a commitment, they might be more understanding. I don't think you should until you know you're over your ex completely. That's just my opinion.
Author pasteurization Posted June 15, 2013 Author Posted June 15, 2013 Very helpful. I went on four dates, and although I immediately knew they weren't going to work, I had a good time, and it definitely got me out of my head for a little while. I wrote each one the next day saying that I enjoyed myself, but that the chemistry wasn't there, and all wrote back saying they understood and were cool with it. Today, though, I went on another date and we hit it off immediately. We both want to see each other again, and plan to go out this week. I'm having trouble knowing, though, if this is a distorted-perception rebound thing, or potentially something real. I don't trust my judgement right now. And of course, 15 minutes after the date I started to think about my ex again.... Anyone else been in this place?
D-Lish Posted June 15, 2013 Posted June 15, 2013 Nothing wrong with going out on dates. I'd just make a point of being upfront about where your head is at. Getting back on the horse is a part of the healing process. If you're feeling up to getting out there and enjoying some companionship- go for it.
aloneinaz Posted June 15, 2013 Posted June 15, 2013 Very helpful. I went on four dates, and although I immediately knew they weren't going to work, I had a good time, and it definitely got me out of my head for a little while. I wrote each one the next day saying that I enjoyed myself, but that the chemistry wasn't there, and all wrote back saying they understood and were cool with it. Today, though, I went on another date and we hit it off immediately. We both want to see each other again, and plan to go out this week. I'm having trouble knowing, though, if this is a distorted-perception rebound thing, or potentially something real. I don't trust my judgement right now. And of course, 15 minutes after the date I started to think about my ex again.... Anyone else been in this place? A couple of thoughts- One you are recognizing girls that are not a match and this last girl that you felt was. So, your instincts about what you like in a girl and don't are working. I'd continue to see this new girl and go at a speed you're comfortable with. As far as thinking about the ex, of course you should be. It's still only a month since your breakup. I'd be willing to bet if you really hit it off w/this new girl, that you wouldn't give 5 hoots about your ex a month from now. 1
Author pasteurization Posted June 15, 2013 Author Posted June 15, 2013 I know this is crazy, but all I can think of is that I will start dating someone, and blow the chance that my ex will come back to me. We broke up because she didn't trust me and I have wanted to prove that I'm not interested in anyone else in order to try to get her back. But I also don't want to just sit in my room alone indefinitely....
theonlyjuan Posted June 15, 2013 Posted June 15, 2013 If your ex wants to get back then deal with it at the time. You can't sit about on the chance she might change her mind
scorpio1978 Posted June 15, 2013 Posted June 15, 2013 It's perfectly natural to think about your ex, even when on a date. I think we compare without even knowing it, so it's not a bad thing necessarily, just as long as you don't compare so much that if the new girl does something your ex did that you didn't like, you don't write her off completely. Everyone is different. As far as you not dating to prove a point to your ex...that is a whole other story. You don't need to sit around waiting, it's going to delay your healing I think. So, I don't think dating until you're ready is a bad idea, but readiness comes in many stages. I am not saying to need to marry the girl you start dating, but be honest with her up front. It's when men and women don't communicate that up front that I think people have problems.
Inzie2015 Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 I know this is hard to hear but the sooner you accept the fact that they are not coming back the better. It took me forever to realize he wasn't coming back, they are an ex for a reason and they broke our hearts because they weren't feeling something in the relationship. Why should we hold out for someone who doesn't want us? Just keep NC and move on, it hurts like hell I know I still hurt some days but I feel loads better now that I know he's never coming back there's someone else out there for everyone and we deserve to be happy too!
Author pasteurization Posted June 16, 2013 Author Posted June 16, 2013 Thanks everyone-- Intellectually I know that it is over for good, but the heart is a hard thing to convince. I wish the chemicals that cause the anxiety and pain could just be switched off somehow... 2
scorpio1978 Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 I may be a glutton for punishment, but there is a well-known psychological therapy called "immersion therapy" where a person with a fear or phobia is exposed to the stimulus enough so that they become desensitized. After a few days of depression after a break-up or feeling bad, I start to slowly expose myself to things that remind me of the person. I was across the street from the bar where we had our first date, which at first, was painful, but I did that a few times and then actually went into the bar. I build different memories off of the ones I had before. Instead of avoiding things, I go at them head-first. Doesn't work for everyone, but I was so bad off the first time I had my heart broken, I couldn't even see anything purple because it reminded me of grape gatorade, his favorite drink. I mean, imagine living your live where every time you turn around, there is something smacking you in the face when you least expect it. I will never do that again. Break-ups hurt like hell, but you can help yourself by the way you heal and deal with the emotions.
aloneinaz Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 Thanks everyone-- Intellectually I know that it is over for good, but the heart is a hard thing to convince. I wish the chemicals that cause the anxiety and pain could just be switched off somehow... I feel you on the anxiety part. I deal with anxiety anyway and this break up made it worse. How long has it been since you broke up and went NC? Did she end it or did you?
Author pasteurization Posted June 16, 2013 Author Posted June 16, 2013 After a few days of depression after a break-up or feeling bad, I start to slowly expose myself to things that remind me of the person. Scorpio-- Have you actually taken this to the point of looking at old pictures of the two of you, or re-reading love letters? I can't bear to even think of doing that....
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