Emilia Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 I understand why you feel that way OP and I think compatibility is essential when it comes to values and long term goals. However, why torture her? Why not just find someone you are compatible with instead?
Pompeii Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 Yeah, let's even see if a series of women would say "you go girl" to any of this behaviour if the genders were opposite. What crap. Over a three month relationship, telling someone that they are "less than" in the intellectual department. Sheesh. It would happen. Obviously you don't outright insult someone's intelligence like that but you need to realize that is a relationship-ending statement if there ever was one. I don't know why he's apologizing. Stupid guy, just dump her.
SJC2008 Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/387341-relationship-theory). wtf??? (10)
pcplod Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 I know this will probably get deleted but I want to punch this guy. He has got a real problem and someone will kick his ass for it. Or rob him. Look at me I got lots of money. I think this guy is a retard personally. I don't see any intelligence on his part. He's full of ****. Now tell us how you really feel. 1
Xinreeki Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 Yes, apologizing doesn't really solve anything here. You and your gf are clearly not well suited OP. Much better to set her free, and move on to find someone who is more compatible with you. As dating someone who you look down on so much isn't going to be healthy for either of you. You BOTH deserve better! Don't waste your life and hers trapped in this codependent relationship you've created between you. Life's too short to spend it with someone you resent, while longing for someone "better" to come along. ** And by "better" I only mean by your standards, as I honestly believe there is someone out there for everyone, and that there will be someone out there who will truly appreciate her for who she is too. 2
pcplod Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 I too don't expect the OP to come back. The curious thing about individuals like this is how do they meet their match, so-to-speak? Can they ever have a real match without meeting their equal and thus for the relationship to be a constant ego battlefield? How do Bill and Melinda Gates manage it? Do we really know they are managing it? Do they know whether they are managing it? I mean, is one part of relationship perseverance realising that you aren't perfect and that allows for you allowing for a lack of perfection in your partner? That in itself doesn't mean that a relationship will survive because it is all too easy for one partner or the other feeling that perfect or not, their partner isn't even trying, addressing their own short-comings, seeking to nurture and enhance the relationship between them. I don't know really. All I have is questions and precious few answers, let alone solutions. I would probably be better off taking up tight-rope walking, without safety nets or harnesses, as a hobby.
StanMusial Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 If you are so above her, why not get a girlfriend who is "on your level"? (so to speak) He probably can't.
Negative Nancy Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 (edited) The only thing that <one> can accuse him of is that he waited for so long, her being intellectually challenged should've been obvious during the first weeks, but as usual men only care for looks first and then realize it's not substantial enough to make a relationship last. :rolleyes: Edited June 14, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
runningfar Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 General rule and leaving aside any distaste for how you went about this: If you're in a relationship and think the other person would be great "IF" you should not be in that relationship.
stillafool Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 Why did you make her your girlfriend if you didn't think she was good enough? If you were that physically attracted to her you could have just hooked up for sex once and left her alone. You chose to make her your gf now she isn't good enough. Please break up with this girl because in the end you are going to destroy her self-esteem and she will feel that she never measures up to your expectations. Don't be surprised that 30 years from now (even after your 1M success) you look back and realize she may have been the best thing that ever happened to you and you blew it. 1
Calvin's wagon Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 (edited) Hi. I truly say <this> with kind & best intentions: - start reading books regarding low self-esteem, over-compensation, filling emotional etc. voids and hurt from childhood by "achieving success" etc. - get therapy/individual counselling to address the above issues - suggest (and if you truly care and wish the best for her, help her pay, if you can) to her she attends her own individual counselling for low self-esteem. I think there's a high chance that your ambitions are a way of proving to yourself&your parents&everyone that you're worthy of being loved, cared for, ..., that you shouldn't have been neglected as a kid etc. And "putting her down", by thinking of her and others as less intelligent etc. than you, you are trying to prop-up your own image. I will also say that it's a good sign that you're here, talking to us about all this, because it means (I think) that, buried underneath your burning desire to (over)compensate for your low self-esteem, there's a great soul with lots of empathy, but who has been hurt so much in the past that has developed such ambition and hurtfulness towards other as a defense mechanism. I truly wish both of you, separately and perhaps together, all the best. But without therapy, you will both very likely end up even more hurt and f---ed up. Best wishes! Edited June 14, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 2
TheFinalWord Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 ROFL!! Yes, reading some douche's "get rich" book is ALWAYS the path to becoming more 'intellectual.' Does the author point out that imbeciles buying his book is HIS path to 'getting rich?' What a joke. Book was published in 1937. One of the reasons I don't think OP is a troll is b/c you have to read a lot of business success books to know who Napoleon Hill is. Napoleon Hill is a legend in the realm of business literature. Presidential advisor to Roosevelt and personally interviewed Thomas Edison, US Presidents, Charles Schwab, Rockefeller, Andrew Carnegie. etc. to develop his books on how to succeed and make money in America. He died about 50 years ago. 1
hppr Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 I am an overachiever - successful manager, highly ambitious to become a millionaire before I hit 30 (It's definitely happening) and my girlfriend is just an ordinary country girl that used to party a lot and hang out with people whose IQ is lower than their age. She is not ambitious and she has absolutely no idea what she wants to do with her life. She has definitely started to change since she met me. She no longer drinks or smokes, she doesn't go to parties anymore, she always comes to the gym with me and yes, she constantly tells me how much she loves me and how glad she is for having met me. It was great, honeymoon period and all, but today I made a brutal mistake. I am a very honest person and I told her she is not very intellectual and that her lack of ambition is a big turn off for me. She thanked me for my honesty and promised to change. She started asking me about what books she should read and buried me in questions about management and business. She said she wanted to deserve me, and that she is willing to work as hard as she has to to achieve that. I really hurt her, it's obvious. I've already apologized several times, but she says I have every right to be mad and that it's her fault. I feel so horrible, because I love her and truly care for her. Is this relationship over? LOL If she cooks, isn't bitchy, is nice to look at and the sex is good I don't see any room for complaints. Want someone intellectual to talk to? Join a book club.
crederer Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 It's okay to think she's not good enough for you, I guess. What's not okay is trying to change her to fit the mould you have in mind. Not everyone is meant for each other. I understand that when you say "not good enough" what you really mean is that you're not compatible. I'm sure you don't actually think that you are a better person than her, she just doesn't measure up to your specific set of expectations. Time to break it off with this girl.
Babolat Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 I am an overachiever - successful manager, highly ambitious to become a millionaire before I hit 30 (It's definitely happening) and my girlfriend is just an ordinary country girl that used to party a lot and hang out with people whose IQ is lower than their age. She is not ambitious and she has absolutely no idea what she wants to do with her life. She has definitely started to change since she met me. She no longer drinks or smokes, she doesn't go to parties anymore, she always comes to the gym with me and yes, she constantly tells me how much she loves me and how glad she is for having met me. It was great, honeymoon period and all, but today I made a brutal mistake. I am a very honest person and I told her she is not very intellectual and that her lack of ambition is a big turn off for me. She thanked me for my honesty and promised to change. She started asking me about what books she should read and buried me in questions about management and business. She said she wanted to deserve me, and that she is willing to work as hard as she has to to achieve that. I really hurt her, it's obvious. I've already apologized several times, but she says I have every right to be mad and that it's her fault. I feel so horrible, because I love her and truly care for her. Is this relationship over? I have not read all of the replies...you sound very controlling and you are trying to change everything about this person...honestly, why are you even with her? Find someoen you are more compatible with and let her do the same.
hppr Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 The other problem is wanting to "marry yourself" is always a waste of time. If the OP's post is for real and he's really achievement minded, ambitious, whatever, then it's only logical that he'll attract people who are more easy going, agreeable, less focused on those things. That's how attraction works, you get people who want what you are offering. I see this with the late 20s/early 30s single women in my social circle that sell themselves as successful/overachiever types, they just can't understand why they attract these really laid-back, easygoing guys. 1
Phantom888 Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 I am an overachiever - successful manager, highly ambitious to become a millionaire before I hit 30 (It's definitely happening) and my girlfriend is just an ordinary country girl that used to party a lot and hang out with people whose IQ is lower than their age. She is not ambitious and she has absolutely no idea what she wants to do with her life. She has definitely started to change since she met me. She no longer drinks or smokes, she doesn't go to parties anymore, she always comes to the gym with me and yes, she constantly tells me how much she loves me and how glad she is for having met me. It was great, honeymoon period and all, but today I made a brutal mistake. I am a very honest person and I told her she is not very intellectual and that her lack of ambition is a big turn off for me. She thanked me for my honesty and promised to change. She started asking me about what books she should read and buried me in questions about management and business. She said she wanted to deserve me, and that she is willing to work as hard as she has to to achieve that. I really hurt her, it's obvious. I've already apologized several times, but she says I have every right to be mad and that it's her fault. I feel so horrible, because I love her and truly care for her. Is this relationship over? I was in the EXACT SAME situation as you not too long ago. In fact it was my last relationship. I am a successful finance professional. She's a country girl, 8 years older, never done anything with her life except had a baby when she was 21, and abandoned the baby. She partied every weekend for 20 years...drugs, sex, booze...everything. She was raped and abused over the years, and finally decided that she wanted to have a better life...at age 45. We had a honeymoon period, and all along she knew she wasn't good enough for me. I knew it too, but I thought she was special, and maybe things would work. It was not love. It was pity. I pitied her. We had nothing in common. It was boring. Sex was boring. She thought I was the best thing that ever happened to her, and maybe I was. But I was living a lie, as I did not love her. So finally had to let her go. We are just waaaayyyyy too different. BTW, I made my 1st million $ when I was 30, lost 1/2 of it 5 years later. So you and I are none too different. 1
jolie_baby Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 I dont think people can change in terms of ambition and life goal... it is something you are born with or not... just like your love for art or your painting skills... you can work on that but only to a certain limit... so give her a break and end it now before she invests more to change - unsuccessfully- and she is still not good enough for you... the other thing is that if you don't see her good enough odds are probably you never will... best to both
daisybuchanan55 Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 (edited) Hope OP comes back to defend himself soon. What a LOSER! Here's my take on this... If you truly think you are better than this girl, you need to end the relationship with the dignity and respect this woman deserves as a result of being HUMAN. I don't care what stupid choices she has made. Every human being regardless of their position in life deserves respect and you seem to be incapable of giving it. Now I want to know from you, OP, what deep, dark thoughts are going on in the recesses of your mind that caused you to date this woman in the first place, stay in the relationship with her, insult her in the worst way possible and then wonder if "the relationship is over." She and this relationship are a mirror of how you view yourself. What's the problem? Maybe you should end the relationship and do some self-evaluation, not because she's "not good enough," but because YOU'RE the one with issues that need addressing. Edited June 14, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Redacted the worst of the incivility. 2
jolie_baby Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 one more point, I dont think he has mentioned in this thread that he wanted her to change, she was the one asking him how she could change...
daisybuchanan55 Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 one more point, I dont think he has mentioned in this thread that he wanted her to change, she was the one asking him how she could change... So many things wrong with this! When I'm in a relationship, I want an equal partner...not a therapist, not a life coach, not a teacher... Dating someone who is actively trying to make me "good enough" through self-help books, business lessons etc. seems like the most unhealthy dynamic EVER.
grkBoy Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 (edited) I am an overachiever - successful manager, highly ambitious to become a millionaire before I hit 30 (It's definitely happening) and my girlfriend is just an ordinary country girl that used to party a lot and hang out with people whose IQ is lower than their age. She is not ambitious and she has absolutely no idea what she wants to do with her life. She has definitely started to change since she met me. She no longer drinks or smokes, she doesn't go to parties anymore, she always comes to the gym with me and yes, she constantly tells me how much she loves me and how glad she is for having met me. It was great, honeymoon period and all, but today I made a brutal mistake. I am a very honest person and I told her she is not very intellectual and that her lack of ambition is a big turn off for me. She thanked me for my honesty and promised to change. She started asking me about what books she should read and buried me in questions about management and business. She said she wanted to deserve me, and that she is willing to work as hard as she has to to achieve that. I really hurt her, it's obvious. I've already apologized several times, but she says I have every right to be mad and that it's her fault. I feel so horrible, because I love her and truly care for her. Is this relationship over? I understand you're ambitious and goal-oriented. I even understand you dislike people who are lazy, have no goals, etc. However, it sounds like you're seeking a female version of you in many ways...and that's more narcissistic. In all honesty, you should be seeking a true companion who compliments you...not competes with you. You remind me of all the "work hard play hard" guys who complain they can't find a "decent woman" who fits their high standards, or they especially get confused on it all. They moan how the women they meet aren't pushing for grad degrees and to get into the boardroom...but when they do meet such women, these guys complain she can't keep a clean house, cook a meal, or how she has no desire to have children. I understand telling her you would like her to have goals in life, but what are your long term goals? Do you want marriage and a family? She just might be the ideal woman to then "keep house" and "raise kids" while you pursue that first million. Right now it sounds more like you are belittling her and destroying her self-esteem, and she's working hard to please you while feeling down on herself. Come on, that's not love. Accept her as she is, see where you two would be in the long term, and either stay or cut her loose. Edited June 14, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 4
Star Gazer Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 If she is willing to change and becomes better for it and strengthens the relationship, where is the harm? Because she's changing to suit HIM. It's not like she was ambitious and lost her ambition. He got into a relationship with her as she is; he either needs to accept that, or move on. 1
sweetheart5381 Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 I don't have the time to read this thread... which means OP got his way. Too bad his gf can't see this. Then she would be SERIOUSLY jealous. Bahahahaha. Just kidding. She wouldn't be jealous. She'd walk. Bahahaha, re-read that you were too good for her. Good one OP! Made me laugh
serial muse Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 (edited) I don't see why this has to be about gender, and I certainly don't think people are being harsh on the OP because he's a dude. There isn't much point in defending his kind of jerkish actions solely because he's a dude...is there? Nobody likes hearing about somebody with low self-esteem grovel to win the approval of someone who thinks he's too good for her...or her for him. Bottom line, OP, I don't think you'll ever really think she's good enough for you, no matter how many reading assignments you give her. I'm sure that the reason you haven't ended it yet is because it's awfully seductive to have someone want to be with you so much that they offer to change everything about themselves. But that's a temporary kind of satisfaction, isn't it? At some point you'll still be tired of it all and looking for someone else. I say this because you sound to me like the sort of person who wants a kind of trophy partner - someone that makes you look good and who other people will meet and see as a reflection of yourself. I think you'll probably always see her as a "poor country girl", and so she'll always she herself as that, in your eyes. On the other hand, I wonder what her motivation is for staying in this. Yes, her self-esteem is clearly in the toilet. It could be as simple as that. I don't know, OP, you don't seem to love her but I'm sure you don't completely despise her, and you expressed guilt at least, so that's something of personal growth on your part. Maybe the kindest thing you could do for her is tell her it's not going to work out but you hope she goes on to find success in some way, for herself rather than for you. Build up her self esteem a little on the way out. Make sure to point out that your approval is not worth changing for, but her own is. She could probably use the boost. Edited June 14, 2013 by serial muse 1
Recommended Posts