I told my girlfriend she is not good enough

[StanMusial]

It's called tact, look into it.

 

I've been in your shoes... making 6 figures right out of college back in the late 90's... I met a girl and dated her for about 3 months. She tried to clean up her act or whatever, asked me about getting her career on track etc. People don't change overnight though and sometimes two people are just different. If you don't respect her as a person and have a different lifestyle altogether it's better to just drop it though. You'll be glad you did. No need to be rude about it either.

[Xinreeki]

I recommended that she start off with "Think and Grow Rich" by Napoleon Hill.

 

Yes, it will be good enough for me IF she becomes a mental match. Right now she's not extremely dumb or anything, but she simply lost too many years partying and living the #yolo lifestyle. It's definitely taking a toll on her now.

 

That is truly scary. So she's not good enough for you already?

 

And you think its being fair to her when you say-

 

"Well, she's not extremely dumb"

 

That is such a horrible thing to say about someone you supposedly love.

[Titania22]

GIGS.

 

What is GIGS? I can't find the meaning anywhere.

[Xinreeki]

What is GIGS? I can't find the meaning anywhere.

 

GIGS - Grass Is Greener Syndrome

[GI_Joy]

What is GIGS? I can't find the meaning anywhere.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/251986-grass-greener-syndrome

[Jono85]

I'm sorry but I'm not going to sit here and kiss your a.ss. This post makes me so sick that I want to vomit. You have a disgusting, overly pompous, arrogant and superior attitude here.

 

And what makes this even sicker is that you've brainwashed her to change herself completely and has been molded BY YOU to be what you want her to be.

 

You sit there and put her down right to her face and SHE says you have every right to be mad and that it's her fault?!

 

Your girlfriend has zero self esteem, and it's obviously because of you. And then you're going to sit here and say you love her and care for her so much? Questionable. You don't mold people like pieces of clay to be what you want them to be.

 

You're smart and going to be a millionaire? Congratulations. Please accept my obligatory golf clap for you.

 

If you want someone who's an "intellectual" and "on your high and mighty level" why don't you check out the nearby country clubs?

 

how did it take until ^^^ this post to call out this pathetic joke of a man?? the posters above KatZee should be ashamed of themselves.

[Titania22]

GIGS - Grass Is Greener Syndrome

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/251986-grass-greener-syndrome

 

 

Thanks Guys.

[Titania22]

I doubt the poster will be back, but despite my own emotional reaction to the OP, I really enjoyed the variety of responses it elicited.

 

I would add, that not everyone is ambitious, and it is unlikely someone who isn't naturally ambitious will become ambitious, more try she will try to fake it to please you (which will be exhausting for her over time, and may well lead to her resenting you).

 

Perhaps think on relationships being like bot lane in LoL, with the ambitious person being an AD carry. You wouldn't have 2 AD carries in bot lane. It doesn't work. Instead you have 1 support and 1 AD carry. She is obviously a support. Think about it!

[Balzac]

There are many ways to make your first million. Not all of them require a high IQ nor significant formal education. I get what you're saying about her. What I think you might be not understanding is what her "character/intellect" say about you.

 

Three months is a very brief "relationship".

[crude]

I like that a man expects something from a woman. Usually the woman tells the man to get his act together and make some money to assume his biological role as provider, while her role is to spend what he makes. It does sound a little harsh though, and if the woman was that far beneath him in accomplishments, maybe he should've looked for a higher achiever. However, she seems to be taking the criticism well, is improving herself as a grownup, and this will hold her in good stead for the rest of her life with or without the OP.

[chuzzbug]

You messed this one pretty bad, bro. Sorry to say this. Actually, no, I'm not sorry.

 

You not only managed to devastate her, but also made a huge and loud statement about yourself. Why would you put yourself in a position where you're with someone who is not "good enough"?

 

The only way in which you can make this up is to reveal your weakness that made you say this. In other words, open yourself up to a far greater insult from her than you dished out, and hope that she doesn't say it.

 

Of course, if she doesn't, she's a better person than you.

 

Given that you just had to include the millionaire comment, and then further debase yourself by saying that it's happening, it seems that it is you who are needing a boost to self-esteem. And it seems like your solution to this problem is to diminish others around you.

 

I would take a long, hard and cold look at yourself and ask yourself whether this is the person you want to be, and whether this is the person you want others to be with.

[dreamingoftigers]

It sounds like you don't even -like- this girl much less love her.

 

With all of that money, one would think that you could buy yourself some charm.

 

It seems you would to do a significant amount of work to be considered worthy of her considering that criticism and contempt are much larger deal-breakers in a relationship than a lack of intellectual acuity.

 

My father and grandfather are both successful and wealthy men. They have also treated the women in their life and though they could be disposed of at a moment's notice. My grandmother, who is an incredibly healthy and quality woman was discarded in favor of a shrieking alcoholic mistress.

 

Certain men requiring a "perfect partner" regardless of their character and the quality of relationship they have with them, will always be disappointed and always thinking that they deserve "more."

 

It generally means these men lack character and quality themselves. The best partners tend to be those that are flexible, loyal and have a long-term view of a relationship.

 

Material wealth can be exciting. It can also be short-term, as can employment. But a decent partner is worth more than the bonuses that can fluctuate from year to year.

 

It seems that this young woman's dedication would actually be best rewarded with someone who has more intrinsic worth than "net worth."

 

Furthermore, despite whatever material wealth you may acquire in this lifetime, OP, your progeny will remember you for how you treated them and their future mother. They will remember that with much more value than any allowance increase or holiday. They will remember how you made them feel.

 

With the pattern you've created with this young woman: I'm sure she feels panicked now, but later that will turn to resent and feeling undervalued. Only a fool does that to his mate. If you aren't compatible, move on and wish her the best.

[dreamingoftigers]

Sexual chemistry, yeah. She actually hit on me in a supermarket. We chatted on facebook a few times, went on a date and here we are now, 3 months later.

 

I know it's not fair, I'm such a jerk.

 

Three months and you are here?

 

Let her go. You are incompatible and have next to no foundation to build on.

 

She can't possibly have a healthy self-esteem if she's trying to turn herself into a pretzel to appease your desires.

[charlietheginger]

You sound like a egocentric azzhole....

 

You only put her down to make yourself feel better.

 

If you so on your way to being a millionaire why do

You care how smart or how much money she makes.

You'll be millionaires reguardless....

 

Go ahead dump her make your millions and find

A brillant women that marries you uses her brilliance

After she figures out your a jerk . On her way out the

Door she rapes every penny she can

[Geiss]

I know this will probably get deleted but I want to punch this guy. He has got a real problem and someone will kick his ass for it. Or rob him. Look at me I got lots of money. I think this guy is a retard personally. I don't see any intelligence on his part. He's full of ****.

[shexy]

I am an overachiever - successful manager, highly ambitious to become a millionaire before I hit 30 (It's definitely happening) and my girlfriend is just an ordinary country girl that used to party a lot and hang out with people whose IQ is lower than their age. She is not ambitious and she has absolutely no idea what she wants to do with her life.

 

She has definitely started to change since she met me. She no longer drinks or smokes, she doesn't go to parties anymore, she always comes to the gym with me and yes, she constantly tells me how much she loves me and how glad she is for having met me.

 

It was great, honeymoon period and all, but today I made a brutal mistake. I am a very honest person and I told her she is not very intellectual and that her lack of ambition is a big turn off for me.

 

She thanked me for my honesty and promised to change. She started asking me about what books she should read and buried me in questions about management and business. She said she wanted to deserve me, and that she is willing to work as hard as she has to to achieve that.

 

I really hurt her, it's obvious. I've already apologized several times, but she says I have every right to be mad and that it's her fault. I feel so horrible, because I love her and truly care for her.

 

Is this relationship over?

 

 

If you were my boyfriend and said something that hateful and rude to me, YES it would be over.

 

Why should she have to change who she is to suit you? If you can't accept her for who she is, YOURE the one with the problem, not her. If you truly loved her and cared for her, you wouldn't be trying to change her and you wouldn't be putting her down.

 

To me, that was such a dooooshbaggy move on your part.

 

If she stays with you after that, she's a fool.

[Pompeii]

Wow. If a girl said this to a guy, everyone would be like "you go girl! right on!"

 

OP, don't apologize for what you have to say. If you feel she's not good enough for you, she's not. If I was in your shoes, that phrase would have been a signal that the relationship was over. Good on you trying to be a millionaire by the time you are 30. Most people will try to tell you that it is a bad thing when it clearly is not.

[Titania22]

Wow. If a girl said this to a guy, everyone would be like "you go girl! right on!"

 

OP, don't apologize for what you have to say. If you feel she's not good enough for you, she's not. If I was in your shoes, that phrase would have been a signal that the relationship was over. Good on you trying to be a millionaire by the time you are 30. Most people will try to tell you that it is a bad thing when it clearly is not.

 

What's bad is that he would criticize her and crush her self esteem rather then find a woman better suited for him.

[dreamingoftigers]

What's bad is that he would criticize her and crush her self esteem rather then find a woman better suited for him.

 

Yeah, let's even see if a series of women would say "you go girl" to any of this behaviour if the genders were opposite.

 

What crap.

Over a three month relationship, telling someone that they are "less than" in the intellectual department. Sheesh.

[Ninjainpajamas]

While I can understand how this is going to invoke a strong emotional reaction of resentment towards the OP for his statements and judgments...at the end of the day he is simply expressing what most people at least "feel" in some shape or form without communicating to their partner the "true" component of their dissatisfaction (at least to their best knowledge)...whether it was the most appropriate response, I think he has acknowledged it was not soon after (at least judging from consequences), and now in the future may change his answer to a more "socially accepted" half-truth or outright lie, which in theory would be more beneficial and less harmful/hurtful in some cases, assuming if he had known or thought ahead of time the impact it might cause, but because he is simply being "honest" should not condemn him to being a bad person because he's simply not doing what many people do...sugar coat or twist the truth, trying to find a more "justifiable" means of ending a relationship/explaining to their partner why it is not working to have a long-term relationship with.

 

This is simply how many men learn to mince their words and omit the truth from women, they realize being honest is something that makes you look unfortunately worse than the sugar-coating or twisting the truth guy (as he's doing you a "favor" letting you keep your keep your "self-esteem" in tact...wrongly assuming it's his responsibility or even the source of it)...so at least the other person simply has to question or attempt to wrap their minds around it even though they realize that there are some holes in that supposed "truth".

 

And the end of the day you have to ask yourself....do you want to know the truth or be fed a few lies? which one makes you feel better in the end about that relationship?

 

I often wonder what people would think if they actually knew the truth of what their partners truly thought. I think it would be a sobering surprise to say the least, too many people are obsessed with "perfection".

 

Although because of a combination of a number of factors...such as arrogance, entitlement and lack of experience that comes with youth (although I'm sure he believes himself to be "mature" for his age), this is simply his beliefs as of now and he is working towards his own personal goals...and he is not putting a gun to her head and making her stay either.

 

Men are often punished for the choices women make, the disservice and lack of respect they allow to themselves as if it is another human beings responsibility and ownership to always make the right decisions and calls for you...women are individuals are they not, and is she is not choosing to place herself under the task of "meeting his expectations" is that not more of an error unto herself than it is to him? after all, should she be the one making the right decisions to protect herself?

 

Many women make stupid decisions all the time for men that they THEMSELVES, we see it every day on LS, and they lower their own self-worth to achieve this ever elusive "romance"...because of their own insecurity, self-esteem issues and desperate need for validation and acceptance...this is not a weight that can be simply bestowed among some young-insensitive-arrogant guy who's growing up trying to do what he thinks is going to bring fulfillment and happiness to his own life and therefore understandably his naivety and lack of awareness to a woman's emotions that most men learn the hard way anyway.

 

At the end of the day it is YOUR responsibility to take care of yourself, to watch and protect over you and your own self-worth. I don't believe he realizes that he is damaging her psyche and emotions realizing the way this is going to make her feel at the end of the day...all she will know is she is not good enough, but I can almost guarantee you this girl has likely always felt that way in some shape or form in her life and this guy is nowhere near the catalyst...if anything he is simply the current source which allows her to perpetuate her own vulnerability which she feels with ALL men and her behavior in the past is usually indicative of that. And yet many women expect some man to be able to fix it...he never does or can, it's an insatiable bottomless pit.

 

To the main poster...for the wisdom, understanding and experience you lack...do her a bigger favor, and do yourself a favor and end this relationship.

 

She will never be what you want her to be, she will never be "perfect". If you cannot simply accept her the way she is, was in the past, and for who she is now and value the positive elements she does bring to your life, then like many men you must simply learn that no woman is going to be this all encompassing package that you desire...and it's not a question of asking yourself to settle, its because you simply take for granted for the positives this woman does bring to the table and unfortunately your values and ambition are impeding and taking precedence over your emotions if this is a "logical" decision...you will quickly learn and realize that what you think is on the other side of the fence is going to have it's own drawbacks.

 

If anything, someone like you will likely need someone to keep you grounding and down to earth, if you have a relationship with someone with the same "caliber" you're going to find yourself in a world much different than you imagined as those women have their own set of challenges, they are not all easy-going and willing to work so hard to appease you. Many are stubborn and controlling, and will fight you because they're going to be just like you, too much alike.

 

But that is for you to learn...you cannot simply instill that emotion with knowledge..but just do the right thing considering it, be honest with yourself, you'll meet plenty of other women along the way...many men do, and maybe string along women here and there on your business travels or journey to success, you may even become someone you didn't foresee, but those are the lessons and choices you must make for yourself...you're going to have to ask yourself, not just what kind of man you want to become on the success front because you already have that passion and ability, but how do you balance that out so it's not the only thing you have going in your life...you've got to have a balance.

[HoneyBadgerDontCare]

I am an overachiever - successful manager, highly ambitious to become a millionaire before I hit 30 (It's definitely happening) and my girlfriend is just an ordinary country girl that used to party a lot and hang out with people whose IQ is lower than their age. She is not ambitious and she has absolutely no idea what she wants to do with her life.

 

She has definitely started to change since she met me. She no longer drinks or smokes, she doesn't go to parties anymore, she always comes to the gym with me and yes, she constantly tells me how much she loves me and how glad she is for having met me.

 

It was great, honeymoon period and all, but today I made a brutal mistake. I am a very honest person and I told her she is not very intellectual and that her lack of ambition is a big turn off for me.

 

She thanked me for my honesty and promised to change. She started asking me about what books she should read and buried me in questions about management and business. She said she wanted to deserve me, and that she is willing to work as hard as she has to to achieve that.

 

I really hurt her, it's obvious. I've already apologized several times, but she says I have every right to be mad and that it's her fault. I feel so horrible, because I love her and truly care for her.

 

Is this relationship over?

 

I actually agree with what you said. You shouldn't be sorry.

 

She was whoring around in her younger years while you were being productive. To be frank, you ARE better than her. Find your equal.

 

Let her settle down with someone in her league. You are out of her league.

[OwlSoul]

I agree with the posters who are questioning whether the OP is really sincere about loving the girl.

 

OP seems to be confused about his feelings. I do not think he loves her anymore.Part of him wants to run away from her, part of him feels guilty for wanting to dump someone because of the social status. So, he tried to provoke her to break the relationship. Subconsciously. However, she showed willingless to continue and try to catch up.

 

Therefore, OP came here in hope that people would confirm that everything is over.

Honestly, I do not judge nor side. I've been thinking about it and read some books. I can see a typical disbalance (more see here http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/387341-relationship-theory).

[fishtaco]

Wow, people are kind of hard on the OP. But that's usually how it is. You never tell a woman she is wrong/insufficient in some way, whether it's true or not. Hell hath no fury. Tell a fat chick she needs to exercise and eat less? Oh hell no. You tell her she's beautiful, and anyone that doesn't think she is can go suck it, then watch her eat more donuts and talk smack about skinny chicks. No, not all women are like this, but we ALL know women that are like this. So OP, although what you did was a jerk move, don't let this out pouring of outrage get to you, that's just part of the LS gender war. You should have expected this anytime you talk smack about women.

 

Anyway, like I said, it was a jerk move, but maybe it was a mistake. Only you know. I'm generally not an a-hole, but I've done things like this, not to my GFs, but to teammates and bandmates (luckily very rarely). I tend to work really hard at something when I get into it, and then my teammate/bandmates suffer, because I assume they have the same drive. Like when I was playing hockey, I was playing on 3 teams, go to hockey clinics weekly, read hockey books, watched a lot of hockey games and studied them, and I expected everyone to want the same... but some people just want to show up, smack the puck around, go have beers after, and not think about hockey until next week's game. Same thing with my band experience. Some people just want to pretend to be rock stars and party, they don't really give a crap how they sound, or they're playing the same damn sour notes show after show.

 

So after I realized that I backed off, but not before I was in jerk mode. So I do make that same mistake from time to time, hopefully I'm getting better about it, and I hope the OP simply made the same mistake. It's okay to be a jerk once in a while, no one is perfect, as long as you try hard not to be a jerk again.

 

And even if OP is a total jerk, co-dependent people need love too. The world is a big place. Some like to punch and some like to get punched. So really, whatever floats the OP's boat, and the GF's boat. For all we know, if OP becomes a model boyfriend according to LS, the GF may lose interest and bail out. Some people need that sort of power imbalance.

 

But I will tell you this OP... women that put up with your crap this much, is not easy to find. You go get an ambitious woman, you'll be in power struggles all day. That'll take away your focus from your ambitions. It's difficult to fight wars on two fronts. If you really are what they call a high-functioning non-criminal sociopath (actually the fact that you posted here probably means you're not), good for you. Our capitalistic society rewards that, for better or for worse. Maybe you should make your ambition first, then go get trophies while driving around town in your Ferrari. Hell I'd do that if I could, but that's not in my future.

 

So dig deep, figure out what you want. If you truly love her, apologize, never do it again. Understand her role is not to ALSO be a millionaire, but to cheer you on as you become one. Or if you don't want that, then do the Ferrari thing. I think that'll be really fun, and I'll have to live vicariously through you.

[miss_jaclynrae]

If you are so above her, why not get a girlfriend who is "on your level"? (so to speak)

[Els]

and hang out with people whose IQ is lower than their age.

 

:lmao:

 

So, are you actually a sheep fetishist, or is your 'girlfriend' 80 years old? I'm betting on the former, since it's pretty difficult to party at 80. But then again sheep rarely live to an old enough age to have their age surpass their IQ. Turtle?