joebroz Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 I am an overachiever - successful manager, highly ambitious to become a millionaire before I hit 30 (It's definitely happening) and my girlfriend is just an ordinary country girl that used to party a lot and hang out with people whose IQ is lower than their age. She is not ambitious and she has absolutely no idea what she wants to do with her life. She has definitely started to change since she met me. She no longer drinks or smokes, she doesn't go to parties anymore, she always comes to the gym with me and yes, she constantly tells me how much she loves me and how glad she is for having met me. It was great, honeymoon period and all, but today I made a brutal mistake. I am a very honest person and I told her she is not very intellectual and that her lack of ambition is a big turn off for me. She thanked me for my honesty and promised to change. She started asking me about what books she should read and buried me in questions about management and business. She said she wanted to deserve me, and that she is willing to work as hard as she has to to achieve that. I really hurt her, it's obvious. I've already apologized several times, but she says I have every right to be mad and that it's her fault. I feel so horrible, because I love her and truly care for her. Is this relationship over?
Sunshine87 Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 What a weird question. You sound like you want it to be over. She ms obviously willng to do whatever it takea to make it work. I think the pertinent question is: Do you still want to be with her? 5
thecrucible Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 Why did you date someone you didn't think was good enough? Did you go by sexual chemistry alone? I would certainly never date someone that I look down on when being honest with myself. It isn't fair on the person. She shouldn't have to change to earn you. No one should have to do that. 12
sillyanswer Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 Is this relationship over? It sounds like she wants to work on the issue you've raised. Will that be good enough for you? What books did you suggest that she study?
Author joebroz Posted June 13, 2013 Author Posted June 13, 2013 It sounds like she wants to work on the issue you've raised. Will that be good enough for you? What books did you suggest that she study? I recommended that she start off with "Think and Grow Rich" by Napoleon Hill. Yes, it will be good enough for me if she becomes a mental match. Right now she's not extremely dumb or anything, but she simply lost too many years partying and living the #yolo lifestyle. It's definitely taking a toll on her now.
todreaminblue Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 I dont think its over.....because she seems to want to change for you....in the end .......ack... i am trying again....with honesty what you said wasnt productive......not for her...you made her feel second rate and now she is attempting to change for you not for herself but because she loves you........i dont think its over.......but in my mind.....you said what you said because you feel she is nto good enough for you...nto because you love her and want her to broaden her horizons...that to me isnt loving of her and accepting...its the opposite...it is self love on your own behalf....what you feel you want out of her....i hope that you can find humility in your heart next time you decide to hit her up with brutal honesty....and i wish you the best........deb 1
Author joebroz Posted June 13, 2013 Author Posted June 13, 2013 Why did you date someone you didn't think was good enough? Did you go by sexual chemistry alone? I would certainly never date someone that I look down on when being honest with myself. It isn't fair on the person. She shouldn't have to change to earn you. No one should have to do that. Sexual chemistry, yeah. She actually hit on me in a supermarket. We chatted on facebook a few times, went on a date and here we are now, 3 months later. I know it's not fair, I'm such a jerk.
pteromom Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 I really hurt her, it's obvious. I've already apologized several times, but she says I have every right to be mad and that it's her fault. I feel so horrible, because I love her and truly care for her. Is this relationship over? I don't think so. Based on what you said about her reaction, it seems she agreed with you and wants to change and be better. Whether the relationship ends or not is going to depend on what happens next. As she starts making strides toward being more of what you value, will you be appreciative and loving and kind and grateful, or will you tell/show her that she still isn't good enough, and be hyper-critical of any changes she makes? THAT is what will determine what will happen next. She said she wanted to deserve me, and that she is willing to work as hard as she has to to achieve that. If you feel the same way, and want to be what SHE wants as well, it's a win/win situation. If you don't care about her as much as she cares about you, the relationship will eventually end.
KatZee Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 She has definitely started to change since she met me. She no longer drinks or smokes, she doesn't go to parties anymore, she always comes to the gym with me and yes. I told her she is not very intellectual and that her lack of ambition is a big turn off for me. She thanked me for my honesty and promised to change.... She said she wanted to deserve me, and that she is willing to work as hard as she has to to achieve that. she says I have every right to be mad and that it's her fault. I'm sorry but I'm not going to sit here and kiss your a.ss. This post makes me so sick that I want to vomit. You have a disgusting, overly pompous, arrogant and superior attitude here. And what makes this even sicker is that you've brainwashed her to change herself completely and has been molded BY YOU to be what you want her to be. You sit there and put her down right to her face and SHE says you have every right to be mad and that it's her fault?! Your girlfriend has zero self esteem, and it's obviously because of you. And then you're going to sit here and say you love her and care for her so much? Questionable. You don't mold people like pieces of clay to be what you want them to be. You're smart and going to be a millionaire? Congratulations. Please accept my obligatory golf clap for you. If you want someone who's an "intellectual" and "on your high and mighty level" why don't you check out the nearby country clubs? 44
ddlovexx Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 What a weird question. You sound like you want it to be over. She ms obviously willng to do whatever it takea to make it work. I think the pertinent question is: Do you still want to be with her? I agree... if the relationship was over, wouldn't she have walked away? I don't know, I think it was pretty brutal what you did but she's doing a great job at accepting what you said. Why would you even date someone who isn't already at a level that satisfies you? It doesn't make sense... do you like to be the "better person?" I don't know, it's weird for me... but if you truly love this girl you should be able to accept her for who and what she is.
fishtaco Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 Wow, that chick is really into you. If my girlfriend told me that I'd end the relationship. She's free to go find someone else. So this is what you have to decide: 1) Did you say that because you are too focused on being ambitious? I find myself doing that sometimes, because I've been trying so hard I look at everyone through the same vision, which is a very wrong thing to do, because not everyone want the same thing out of life. 2) You're over her. If it's #2, let her go, you'd be doing her a favor. If it's #1, you still love her, you just made a mistake, explain it to her, and don't do it again. She seems really passive. You where the jerk and she said it was her fault. Do you like passive women? I didn't think I did, until my current girlfriend, who is anything but passive, and gets on my case about everything. Now I realize the value that a passive girlfriend brings -- peace of mind, boy do I miss it. So my current biased mindset is you gotta keep her, you're not going to easily find passive girls like that, that are willing to work with you even when you're being a jerk. But if that's not what you want, that's not what you want. Just a warning, if you're an ambitious man, an ambitious woman may not be a good choice for you as a romantic partner. Behind every successful man is a trohpy wife, and a few trophy mistresses. I don't condone cheating, or marrying gold diggers, but I'm saying it may be a good balance to have a less ambitious girlfriend that sits on the sidelines and cheer you on. 5
ddlovexx Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 I also probably would've left on the spot if some guy told me that... D-bag move in my opinion. 11
Xinreeki Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 I am a very honest person and I told her she is not very intellectual and that her lack of ambition is a big turn off for me. If her lack of ambition is such a big turn off to you, why date her at all? And oftentimes in a relationship empathy is more important than brutal honesty... Depends on the situation and the person involved of course, but this girl clearly already has self esteem issues if her response is not to be angry, but instead to promise to try even harder to please you. Still, if you really aren't compatible in ways which you'd like to be, sounds like she may deserve better than you too, because she deserves someone who loves her for who she is, and it doesn't seem like you truly do love her for who she is, if this side of her is such a big turn off to you? Also seems like eventually you're just going to end up resenting her, if you have this secret longing to date someone who is more compatible with your own views etc? 9
NoMoreJerks Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 I'm sorry but I'm not going to sit here and kiss your a.ss. This post makes me so sick that I want to vomit. You have a disgusting, overly pompous, arrogant and superior attitude here. And what makes this even sicker is that you've brainwashed her to change herself completely and has been molded BY YOU to be what you want her to be. You sit there and put her down right to her face and SHE says you have every right to be mad and that it's her fault?! Your girlfriend has zero self esteem, and it's obviously because of you. And then you're going to sit here and say you love her and care for her so much? Questionable. You don't mold people like pieces of clay to be what you want them to be. You're smart and going to be a millionaire? Congratulations. Please accept my obligatory golf clap for you. If you want someone who's an "intellectual" and "on your high and mighty level" why don't you check out the nearby country clubs? Thank you, for taking the words out of my mouth. I kept reading this thread and was shocked that no one had already said what you did... well put. 7
Floridita Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 (edited) Wow. Wow wow wow wow. What happens next is up to the both you, but you can NEVER take those words back. Poor girl. KatZee hit the nail on the head. Golf clap indeed. Edited June 13, 2013 by Floridita 2
pcplod Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 Are you for real? Don't answer that. I just know there are people like you aplenty; I see stories about the type in the press all the time. On the one hand some say that it takes people like you to move the world on and yet others are certain that it is people like you who f**k it up. Personally, I see it as nothing more than striving to achieve a personal ambition. Anything else beneficial is happenstance. What drives you to be a millionaire? To be more successful than most? A fear of insecurity? And once you achieve it, then what? A second million? A billion? The two questions I keep asking myself about people who are driven like you is: Can it all be achieved ethically and morally, never mind legally.Is there any room or time for anyone or anything else. I don't know why your GF is so determined to hang on when you are so incompatible. Maybe she hopes to marry you and maybe hopes to clear you out some time after that. Who knows, bit it does happen. I don't understand people like you but I think it is always destined that I shouldn't or can't and I don't think I even want to try. I am pretty sure you are an emotionally incomplete person but then most of us are. It's just some are more complete than others. 4
Carenth Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 Ambitious huh? Really ambitious dating someone you think is inferior to yourself and basically treating her like trash. Bully, manipulator and pompous ego tripper I think are more apt descriptions. If you really loved her you would accept her for who she is not demand she changes into someone else. Let the poor girl go, you are treating her like a play thing. If your so ambitious go find someone who is your equal or does the idea of a partner who might outshine you make you uncomfortable? 11
FitChick Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 If she is willing to change and becomes better for it and strengthens the relationship, where is the harm? I hope self-improvement is a two-way street in that relationship, however. Example: you get fat and flabby and she tells you she has lost sexual attraction so start dieting and hire a trainer.
Floridita Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 After you break up with her you should pay for the therapy she'd going to need to recover from being looked down upon and manipulated (since you're so rich and all). 7
Xinreeki Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 (edited) I am an overachiever - successful manager, highly ambitious to become a millionaire before I hit 30 (It's definitely happening) and my girlfriend is just an ordinary country girl that used to party a lot and hang out with people whose IQ is lower than their age. Geez louise! I think I must have missed this part when I first skimmed through your post... Is that really the first word that comes to mind when you are describing your GF... "ordinary" ?? It really does sound like you are starting to resent her already... She is awesome just as she is! You chose to date her afterall! So, you as her "loving" BF can surely find better words to describe her on first thoughts than "just an ordinary girl who used to hang out with people who have a low IQ" ?? I really hope so, if you love her as much as you claim to... Edited June 13, 2013 by Xinreeki 5
amkxoxo Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 Now I don't know for sure, but it seems like the whole relationship revolves around your life and interests. I believe that couples should bring out the best in each other and should try to be the best for each other. At the same time compromise is necessary, and from what you have said, it seems like she is the only on compromising. Now this might be off, I have taken on some characteristics and interests of my boyfriend, but have you compromised for her. Is her life better, because she has changed for you?? She is still willing to change more for you, don't let her go. You have high expectations, I do too, so I totally understand. But sometimes they become too high and all you end up focusing on is the negative she posesses, and not the positive that she brings to the table. Re-assess your life, and priorities and combine them with hers.
Maleficent Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 What a weird question. You sound like you want it to be over. She ms obviously willng to do whatever it takea to make it work. I think the pertinent question is: Do you still want to be with her? Whatever it takes to work does not include changing everything about you to please the other. 1
Maleficent Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 I recommended that she start off with "Think and Grow Rich" by Napoleon Hill. Yes, it will be good enough for me if she becomes a mental match. Right now she's not extremely dumb or anything, but she simply lost too many years partying and living the #yolo lifestyle. It's definitely taking a toll on her now. Wow. I hope she realizes what a judgmental chomp you are soon and find someone who accepts her for who she is. 5
GI_Joy Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 sounds like this is teetering on GIGS. Though I personally appreciate honesty, this is too much. Relationships are more about learning acceptance and empathy, as is already mentioned, and motivation for self-improvement should be intrinsic or in other words, come from within. I feel bad for your girlfriend. She's better off with someone who will accept her for who she is, not with someone who clearly has put himself on a pedestal. 1
BC1980 Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 You accept someone for who they are. Period. I'm not saying accept abuse or alcoholism, but personality and interests are what make a person who they are. There is a fine difference between trying something out because your significant other likes it and totally changing who you are to fit another person's needs. That's sick. Why do you feel the need to mold her into something she is not? 3
Recommended Posts