macy Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 (edited) A friend and I were debating something. Can men (I'm sure women too but in this case we are talking about a exH) show depression by acting out sexually in a marriage? Some drink, etc. Husband spent years deployed off and on in the military. He spent many many days in war zones . Says he's not overall effected. Taboo to think otherwise. In the course of 2-3 years he admitted to 4 possibly 5 one-night stands. Nothing on going. Meant "nothing". He is good deep in his heart but changed. He says it was because he had been unhappy in the marriage but couldn't pinpoint what exactly he was unhappy about. We tried but I couldn't overcome the betrayal. I know he loved me through most of our 16 year marriage. My friend thinks he could have depression issues/PTSD and that's how he coped. I think there is some merit there but think maybe he just fell out of love with me. He seemed distant for a long time. I go through blame and tend to think, maybe I could've... would've...should've. Learned a lot about myself through the D. Where we went wrong. What we could've done better. Our divorce was final in Feb (sep 1 year). He brought his girlfriend around the kids 1 week later during a visitation. He got orders to move recently and decided to marry the girlfriend. They have known each other 6 months . He is 40 and she is 30. Obviously I don't think this is a good decision but not really my business except for where the kids are concerned. His quick remarriage made me rethink the possibility he could be dealing with some internal demons. Maybe he just wasn't happy with me in the end. He seems happy now. It's a process to recover from all this. I guess it's not possible to know why a man would sleep around so much while married. Not normal "guys being guys" "I'm a stud" crap. Edited June 16, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs
jf2good Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 My 2 cents is yes depression/PTSD could have been the catalyst to trigger his affairs. Getting remarried quickly is an attempt to fix this. It may or may not work despite what the experts say. Of course if he found his life and marriage lacking that could have caused the depression and cheating was an attempt to fix it. 1
Author macy Posted June 15, 2013 Author Posted June 15, 2013 Don't think I'll ever get the answer. Sadly.
2.50 a gallon Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 Love is chemistry When a couple meet and are attracted to each other, their bodies begin to produce love chemicals that flood the brain and give us that floating on a cloud feeling during infatuation. With time the infatuation period fades and we move on to mature love, by doing things together, the morning kiss, shopping, going to dinner, talking, celebrating the holidays, a visit to the DQ, our bodies continue to produce love chemicals. However when there is a break, such as a deployment, the love chemical production goes to a lower level. If the love is strong, both of the partners can't wait to be reunited and get back their love lives. Whether your EX realizes it or not, being in a war zone did affect him. It is only natural. It is no doubt true, as he says, he cannot pinpoint exactly what he was unhappy about. Though I am no expert. I would suspect, the distraction of being in a high stress environment, resulted in his body producing less and less of his love chemicals, as there were far stronger emotions he was experiencing. Fear, anxiety, etc. This in turn led to his depression and then you mix in the PTSD issues and the love chemical production fell to an all time low, and he no longer knew what he wanted. When the love chemical production went past the tipping point he fell out of love with you. There was probably nothing he or you could have done about it.
Author macy Posted June 16, 2013 Author Posted June 16, 2013 Love is chemistry When a couple meet and are attracted to each other, their bodies begin to produce love chemicals that flood the brain and give us that floating on a cloud feeling during infatuation. With time the infatuation period fades and we move on to mature love, by doing things together, the morning kiss, shopping, going to dinner, talking, celebrating the holidays, a visit to the DQ, our bodies continue to produce love chemicals. However when there is a break, such as a deployment, the love chemical production goes to a lower level. If the love is strong, both of the partners can't wait to be reunited and get back their love lives. Whether your EX realizes it or not, being in a war zone did affect him. It is only natural. It is no doubt true, as he says, he cannot pinpoint exactly what he was unhappy about. Though I am no expert. I would suspect, the distraction of being in a high stress environment, resulted in his body producing less and less of his love chemicals, as there were far stronger emotions he was experiencing. Fear, anxiety, etc. This in turn led to his depression and then you mix in the PTSD issues and the love chemical production fell to an all time low, and he no longer knew what he wanted. When the love chemical production went past the tipping point he fell out of love with you. There was probably nothing he or you could have done about it. Im not sure what love chemicals are but I do know the war affected/s him. He won't/can't admit it out loud but he knows. He's 19 years in the service and been in and out of the war since Sep 11th. All war zones in a high ops job. He was a caring man but not very good at communicating to begin with. When we were separated and getting along pretty well (I only become "public enemy #1 when he's with someone) he came by to pick up the kids. He had trouble sleeping for the last year or so we were married and was taking a strong prescribed sleep aid that wasn't working. His doctor put him in for an overnight sleep study... twice. They found he was restless and did wake up often in the night. He got maybe 2-3 hours a night but always broken up. After not finding any medical issue to blame it on they brought up PTSD. He told me all this the day he picked them up sometime last year (September time frame), and I then asked (trying hard not to scream "bingo") "what do you think." He said "I guess, maybe". Which understand is huge for him. I dropped it in hopes that he and his doctors would finally be on a good track for him to get help. He then met his current girlfriend/fiancée the end of last year beginning of this year and I never heard of any follow up since. I just wish him well and want to see him truly happy again. He needed help and time to work on himself but sadly he didn't take it. I really think he'll look back and wonder why he threw his marriage away (or maybe not, thats ok). We were happy for many years. Ups and downs like all but no major problems. I will always be confused and wonder why he did it. Anyway, He got orders recently to move out of the country and decided last month he'd marry this girl he's been dating and take her with. Our D was just final 4 months ago. Of course my kids are so confused and hurt. They are my focus.
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