myname Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 I'm feeling very bitter and I don't like it and want to get over it. But right now I don't know how, I feel he lied to me, he strung me along, he borrowed money off me that he never repaid and now I'm all alone with nothing and he is carrying on with everything he had to begin with, still has the love of his wife, still has his life and everything he wanted to keep, still has my cash... And there's absolutely nothing I can do about any of it. I feel I have been so destroyed by this affair and I don't want that for the rest of my life. But how can I get over it?
Owl Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 I don't remember your story (my apologies), but have you considered taking him to small claims court to sue for the money you loaned him? At this point, you're not 'obligated' to keep his secret...so perhaps taking him to court to get your money back will give you a bit of emotional satisfaction? 1
Author myname Posted June 13, 2013 Author Posted June 13, 2013 (edited) I don't remember your story (my apologies), but have you considered taking him to small claims court to sue for the money you loaned him? At this point, you're not 'obligated' to keep his secret...so perhaps taking him to court to get your money back will give you a bit of emotional satisfaction? I am considering taking him to the small claims court, it would give me some satisfaction, and I've looked into it, and it's not that hard, I could even do it online and I have the necessary proof that it was a loan from emails he sent at the time... I'm just not doing it yet because one of the requirements is to have proof that you've tried every other way to retrieve the money and one of these is to show you've said if they don't repay you will take them to court. To do that I'd have to make contact with him and right now I'm not strong enough to do it, I might get there at some point but right now I'm not ready for what it might entail. I just want to stop feeling so bitter and twisted up about it all. No need to apologise for not remembering my story, it's a long and stupid one on my part, I should've, must've known he was no good and didn't really care about me but I didn't want to believe that for a long time and let myself get sucked back in over and over again because of that. Over four years, multiple d-days, much heartbreak. Edited June 13, 2013 by myname
SidLyon Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 ... I'm just not doing it yet because one of the requirements is to have proof that you've tried every other way to retrieve the money and one of these is to show you've said if they don't repay you will take them to court. To do that I'd have to make contact with him and right now I'm not strong enough to do it, I might get there at some point but right now I'm not ready for what it might entail. .... I'm not 100% familiar with the law in your area, but I doubt that it is necessary for you to make personal (voice or face to face) contact with him. After all a phone call or face to face conversation is unlikely to be sufficient evidence to present in court. A lawyer should be able to write a letter on your behalf setting out the details (ie date(s) lent, amounts, terms and repayment agreement) of the loan, that it hasn't been repaid and that if not repaid by a certain date then legal action to recover will commence. You may even be able to do this yourself and send by registered letter.
Elfie Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 I'm feeling very bitter and I don't like it and want to get over it. But right now I don't know how, I feel he lied to me, he strung me along, he borrowed money off me that he never repaid and now I'm all alone with nothing and he is carrying on with everything he had to begin with, still has the love of his wife, still has his life and everything he wanted to keep, still has my cash... And there's absolutely nothing I can do about any of it. I feel I have been so destroyed by this affair and I don't want that for the rest of my life. But how can I get over it? I think "if you can't change something, change your view of it" - so, if he lied to you, he can't lie to you ever again; you're no longer all alone with nothing, you have freedom and choices again he has the love of his wife, (maybe) still has his life - maybe not so great in reality, he was drawn to escape it, so it can't be that great? - he has everything he wanted to keep - I'm sorry I don't know your story, but he didn't get to keep you, so maybe he's suffering and is trying to cope by throwing himself back into what he knew, he could be pretending to himself, you don't know hey? Keep turning things around so that they advantage you, not him. Even if you don't believe yourself, you can choose to think one way or the other - neither way will give you cold hard facts, so you're not actually altering any truths, as there are no truths, it's just your view from where you are, but about what he lost is a far better way to get through this difficult stage. Hope it helps. Hugs.
thecharade Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 In my experience, your anger and bitterness is both normal and good for you. It is you protecting you! About the money? A third party intervention seems best for requesting in writing what you need from him. Don't break NC. A cheap attorney? Close friend or relative? From that point on, I would use your documentation to pursue through small claims court. BUT, none of this will relieve your bitterness. What helped was me working on me, thinking about me, appreciating me, and taking care of me. I did something nice for myself every single day, and as I enjoyed lots of moments and events, I became less consumed with feeling he had somehow come out ahead. I realized yesterday, as I enjoyed a two hour bike ride on a gorgeous day, that I am actually able to stay NC because I do not want to give him any power to mess with the calm and enjoyment I'm experiencing in my awesome life! I don't want him to mess it up! It took several months of feeling bouts of anger and redirecting my thinking back to what I would enjoy at that moment (cooking a good meal, going to a movie, going for a walk, journaling, reading a new novel, taking a bath, buying myself a new flashy piece of clothing, yoga, reading a self-help book ("Getting Past Your Breakup" by Susan Elliot really helped me!), buying "pump me up" songs on iTunes and cranking them, having a big glass of wine, baking cookies, cleaning or painting something, another small home improvement project, or planting some flowers) to start to feel really good about the life I do have. FTG! You do not need him! There is plenty to enjoy without his drama bringing you down. Anger is a normal stage, but don't let yourself stay there. Rejection sucks for everyone and we have a right to our hurt, but there is too much that's great in this world and you need to get busy enjoying it. Being right or entitled to your anger is not nearly as important as feeling better. Good luck. Hope some piece of this might help.
Author myname Posted June 14, 2013 Author Posted June 14, 2013 (edited) Thanks, it is how I can get over it that's more important, the lost money is crap but even getting that back wouldn't be the end to me feeling bitter. That's easy in my opinion, to give the money back, right now how I've been feeling the money is just the icing on the cake, it's what he's kept and what I've lost that make me feel so crap. Thanks for the suggestions of trying to change the way I think about it, it is hard but that makes sense. I am just so cross about it all, feel so used and helpless about that, it is like a twisting pain in my stomach, I know it's as much my fault as anyone else's cos I let it happen but I want to be able to blame or get revenge on him so much and I can't. It's so difficult to deal with. Has anyone else felt like this? Edited June 14, 2013 by myname
veryhappy Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 I also had the biggest problems with anger. It consumed me. My A ended nine months ago, and in time the anger diminished. Sometimes it comes back and I have a bad day, but for the most part it's not consuming anymore. You need to get to some version of what happened that makes sense to you, and then realize that you will need to let go for your own good. I was determined from the start to get over him and over my grief. It's been really difficult, but one day you just realize it doesn't hurt as much anymore.
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