rnz Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 I never though about myself as a sentimental guy to write/talk about relationships but I felt I want to share it coz right now this is the only thing taking my mind. So if you don't find a question in my post perhaps there isn't, I just wanted to write everything down. In advance, sorry for long post. Well...My girlfriend broke up with me recently. We have been having long distance relationship for 2 years and now one thing that I always was scary is happened. This time is for real. She is Korean, older than me, already working and I met her when I was studying there. After I finished with studies I applied for master program to continue my career in Europe. I was lucky to be enrolled for double degree program, studying in two countries. I will be honest, I had no income but I was provided with scholarships from my country and Europe, never took any more from anyone. So far after this we were together 2 years and we saw each other only 4 times. I couldn't visit Korea due to issues I had with study and visa but I always tried to bring her to Europe, paying her tickets and other arrangements(hotel, trips, ...) but not always was possible so we shared the price. We discussed about our relationship a lot and seems to me she was the one that I would like to marry. Since, I am just a student our future was very much abstract, I had a plan (perhaps, you can call it wish) that I will get my degree, get a job in Europe and bring her here. Her job was remotely so she wouldn't even quit it. So, bring her here, get married, have kids and live happy ever... And she agreed, we both had a same goal and said we will try to support each other always. But, I must say it wasn't easy to keep this relationship with her. Had a lots of fights, even for silly things, when she was with me, skype fights, texting fights... endless... And, some of these fights used to end up with her breaking up with me. When I was in anger sometimes I supported it, sometimes I didn't it but at the end it always ended up with me asking her to get back again, sent some flowers, chocolates. So, I used to manage to make her to stay with me. Well... I thought since she is the woman I would like to marry I should sacrifice little bit of pride and dignity for both our sake. Last year in august we had very big fight just before she was flying over to visit me. I was mad and I said to her that "everything between us is over!!!" This was first time I saw her calling me and crying, asking me not to do this. To be honest I was really surprised, after seeing this it was obvious to me that she still loves me. Then after week she came and we had our great vacation together. After I finished my first year I moved to study to Sweden for the second year of my program. The country was expensive compare to previous one and it was hard to manage my own living. So this time I told her that I will not be able to support her for coming here, seems it was fine with her, then we didn't plan see each other for winter holidays. We have been communicating as usual until march of this year, I kept sending her chocolates. Then, she said that suddenly she got a lot of orders from her job and they became very busy. I understand it, she has to work overloaded and there is a big time difference between me and her, so I didn't bother her much. One day she said that she got stressed from work and she is planning to go to somewhere for short vacation, I supported it, OK, she worked under pressure, she can relax a little bit. I didn't wanna ask her to come to Europe, that would make me look like moaning and I don't think i would handle her tickets and local trips. The place where she was going was closer and cheaper to her. She went there for a week and I couldn't contact her AT ALL. I sent her email, text messages, called her, Almost daily, but no results. When she came back to her home I was really pissed off. It seems to me impossible to not get internet connection. Especially in touristic places, hotels. Even her cellphone didn't work, just ridiculous!!!! She said that she didn't use roaming because of cost and she didn't get any internet connection anywhere, etc... I am very jealous person, we even had a lot of fight because of that, after time to time I learned to calm down and not to push any jealousy further. So, with her vacation we clarified and I wasn't angry. But she said that they still have a lot of work to do at her job so she is pretty busy again. So far our daily texting changed to weekly, I haven't heard her voice or saw her. We stopped having video chats, whenever I asked her she used to reply that she is very busy with work. And this....same thing went to three month and at the end she texted me with saying that she doesn't love me anymore (this is for the first time), she is very sorry about it, it's been 2 years and this whole relationship is ridiculous. She doesn't want anything from this relationship including me. Also asked that if she ever wanted something from me? (that's true, she never asked anything, all these trips and presents were my ideas) Even if I get a job in Sweden she doesn't wanna come there. Now she doesn't talk to me at all!!! From the time that she made her vacation, I felt this is going happen. I felt that for some reason she doesn't wanna talk to me. She were keep saying she is pretty busy, but hey!!! I wasn't doing anything either. Most important time of my program came, I was writing my thesis and preparing for graduation. Isn't it really possible to get some 30 minutes window for us from whole these 3 months??? So...we finally we had some small chat and I decided to let her go. I knew this was going to happen, I thought I will not be so much depressed for this. I thought for this 2 years she broke up with me some many times, after this I would be really stupid to marry her. But the problem is I still feel bad and kinda want her back. I always thought about myself that I have a strong mind, I never did anything impulsively in my live. I always plan everything and think rationally. But with her... I don't know what is wrong, I can see know I felt so miserable, so many times, It wasn't like I give up little bit of my pride for both of us, it was as I give up all my pride for her. Now I don't have any left. I even started to stalk her Facebook page (Which she blocked me now) How miserable I became in front of her. Now, she is not talking to me at all and I am just sitting here... When I was leaving South Korea, she was crying all the time, she was asking me what I am gonna with her, If I am just going to leave her there alone. Then I told her that I will do everything to make us be together and she said that she will wait as long as it takes. These two years she used to say that she met her ideal man, She doesn't wanna have anything but me. I will be the only her choice for her live, such a strong and great word. When I said lets get married she was happily agreed, we even started to talk about names for our kids in jokes. After that I was for sure ready to do anything for her. In our first year, I found out that she didn't even told her friends about me!!! Everybody near her though she is single "while I was yelling everybody on the street her name", She told me that her best girlfriend know about me and she cannot say to others because of Korean cultural problem; people will say something bad about me and her, as she said (but it seems she was just shy to admit long distance relationship with me among her friends). I understood and didn't push this topic anymore. When she came first time, I didn't have enough money for spending, so I even sold some of my stuff to get some cash for restaurants and clubs with her. In order to buy her a ticket and have money for trips I even started to save from my food, had haircuts only twice a year (yep, even save from haircuts). But I did manage to make great holidays with her. The only thing I was thinking is that I will marry her so I will always treat her well. Well, it doesn't mean she didn't spend anything, sometimes we agreed to share the prices for our some trips. Now, when I look back I can see it wasn't the right choice for me, it would be horrible to be with her, it would end up having constant fights and I would be broke as hell. Never cheated, never did anything wrong, always tried reach our goal to be together, supported her, gave up my principles because of her. AND NOW I GET THIS!!!!!!!! before her I used to focus always on myself, with her I think I wasted too much energy to her. I wasn't regretting for this until this moment. Just think of I would go to trips in Europe, live decent live go to parties instead of saving all for her, sleeping on time everyday instead of waiting her to get online to talk (but she used to spend her nights without sleeping with me too). I am mad at her, I hate her, actually I am glad finally everything is over but at the meantime I don't wanna loose her, still want her back. WHY THE HECK I THINK LIKE THAT??????? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME???????? I cannot say she never loved me, she did loved me, even it disappeared later. All these 2 years she kept saying that she is boring there alone and feels bad. She told me I became "online boyfriend" for her, which she has but cannot touch, I felt bad these times, I felt guilty for this. That's true... But I was apart from her as well, I was having same boring life as well (it seems we just saw the world with different eyes). Recently I had several steps of interviews with one great company here, in Sweden and it seems I will be hired soon.
TaraMaiden Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 You don't want HER back, you want the 'her' that you used to know, back. You miss what once was. It's not her, it's the essence of the togetherness you shared. The companionship, the closeness...... Understandable. After a while the relationship becomes habitual, and shedding it, is like finally getting rid of that wonderful warm winter coat you had for so long... it's fallen to pieces but you still love it.... Maybe if you restitched that seam, or patched that elbow, tidied up the frayed collar and re-sewed the button-holes.... but nope. It's got to go..... 2
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