starlet86 Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 I don't know what hold my ex has over me, but within seconds of being near him I am believing all the BS he says. I know he is going to let me down and go back on it, but I believe him and respond and then I am back in the exact same situation. NC does not work for me. I fail at it, ridiculously, so please no one suggest doing this or that. I work with the guy, I can't just ignore him and once I start talking to him, I actually enjoy it. I think I may be the problem, maybe I am expecting too much? I am contemplating just giving in to all my emotions and quitting everything I have tried to keep intact and use as a method of coping, because as soon as I see him, nothing matters but him. This guy almost ruined me completely. He forced me to do something I really didn't and used my past and my fears to manipulate me. He abandoned me when I needed him most. He made me homeless, he made me give up things that mattered to me, he made me take away from myself the one thing I really wanted in life. He threatened me, he made me feel worthless and unloved. He screamed and shouted at me and he used me... I shouldn't feel like this for him! I am so frustrated with myself.
Zahara Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 You fail at NC because you choose not to move on and rid yourself from someone that - "ruined me completely. He forced me to do something I really didn't and used my past and my fears to manipulate me. He abandoned me when I needed him most. He made me homeless, he made me give up things that mattered to me, he made me take away from myself the one thing I really wanted in life. He threatened me, he made me feel worthless and unloved. He screamed and shouted at me and he used me." Yes, you are your problem. You have no self-esteem or self-respect. He's probably thinking to himself, "Wow, I did all those things (in bold above) and she's still sticking to me." Imagine how negatively he views you. Men don't respect women that behave this way. What a treat for him to know he still has his toy to play with. You can talk to him on a professional level at work and nothing more. It's called BOUNDARIES. Please don't make silly excuses. You either want to heal because you know you deserve better or you can stay on a leash. 4
Author starlet86 Posted June 13, 2013 Author Posted June 13, 2013 I do speak to him on a professional level, but when he says, "how are you?" and colleagues are around I am meant to ignore him? That is completely unprofessional and if I start making a scene about it, I will be told not to bring my personal life in to work. I've already been there with this situation. I was told to leave it at the door or leave. We work closely for 8 hours 5/6 days a week. I answer him, but in answering him, it leads to another question. Not everyone gets the break up where they can AVOID their ex. He doesn't think he can have me. I am cold and distant from him, but I can't just ignore him. It's that part I am finding hard and difficult to stick to. If he texts me saying, "hey, how is your mum, I heard the news?" I will reply, "fine" do you think he doesn't reply to that? Do you think he doesn't continue to text. Even when I ask him NOT to text me or speak to me, he tells me no. I am starting to wonder if NC even works. When I broke up with my ex of 2.5 years, we actually remained friends, extremely close friends, there was none of this NC and do you know what? We are still extremely close friends. I went to his wedding with my new boyfriend and there was NO awkwardness. Maybe NC just isn't for everyone?
Zahara Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 Then you say, "I'm well, thanks. Excuse me I have to get such and such done." Then you walk away. Go back and sit at your desk and focus on your work. I've had a work relationship before and there are ways to carry yourself professionally without jeopardizing your position. Again, excuses. After someone treats you that way, you are not obligated to let them be a part of your life. When someone has mistreated you, you cut ties because you choose not let someone that has damaged you into your life. You tell them that the relationship is over and that moving forward, you would prefer that all conversations are solely professional and nothing more. That comes from someone that values themselves and knows how to set healthy boundaries to keep away unhealthy people from stepping in. But no, after all he did, you still entertain someone that mistreated you. You have the ability to ignore a text. Just because an ass texts you, doesn't mean you have to reply. It's called self-control, and boundaries. NC works but it's not for someone that makes excuses because they're too afraid to let go. Did your ex that you are friends with mistreat you the way this ass did? If not, then the comparison is foolish. If he did mistreat you, then you should reconsider your selection process when it comes to friends. 2
Author starlet86 Posted June 13, 2013 Author Posted June 13, 2013 I don't think you can really tell me who I should and shouldn't be friends with... regardless of what my ex done to me, I think the fact we can be friends without this whole process of NC is something that a lot of people would most likely, WANT to have with an ex. My ex treated me badly to a degree, if he didn't then I wouldn't have ended to relationship. The point is, when he is texting me asking me why I am not speaking to him, I find it very easy to not reply to him. I enjoy seeing him panic and trying to work out what he's done, when he does it back though...then I just cave and contact him. It's like I crave his attention...
Zahara Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 The man ruined you, forced you to do someting you didn't want to do, used your past to manipulate you, abandoned you, made you homeless, threatened you, made you feel worthless and unloved, screamed and shouted at you and used you. If everything above qualifies him to be a friend, then you have some serious self-esteem issues to want to be "friends" and have someone that abused you to still be a part of your life. He texts you because he can and because you respond. Manipulators do that to get what they want, for attention most times, because it gives them pleasure of knowing that their victim is still in their control. You don't crave attention. You crave validation. 1
Simon Phoenix Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 NC doesn't work for you because you haven't tried it. You go a day and then you cave. Don't say NC doesn't work when you don't even try it. And if you want to be friends with someone that's emotionally abusive to the extent that he is, then you have problems that need help beyond an internet message board.
Author starlet86 Posted June 13, 2013 Author Posted June 13, 2013 For the record, I was not speaking about my most recent ex, I am not friends with him. I am speaking about an ex who I was with for 2.5 years and when we broke up, we didn't do NC, we didn't cut each other off, we became close friends. My most recent ex, I did do NC with. I done it for 3 weeks and do you know what, I didn't feel like it helped at all. Trying to stick to it almost cost me my job, made me extremely miserable and distant from the people I cared about and who cared about me and it just did not work. Just because it clearly works for some people, doesn't mean it works for everyone.
Zahara Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 You correlated NC not working for you in your current situation based on your ability to be friends after the break-up with your 2.5 year ex. You were basically noting that if you could do it with 2.5 year ex, maybe you could do it with current ex. Of course NC didn't help. You're not ready to let go. When someone wants to let go, NC becomes a definite action. You're full of excuses. You can be professional to everyone in your office as well as the ex if you are able to carry yourself in a professional and dignified way without carrying your emotional baggage into work with you everyday. If you carry all you emotional drama into work, of course it can cost you your job. That's when you learn how to set boundaries that will protect you. If NC doesn't work for you, then there is no point asking for advice. If someone abuses you, which you claim, and you still can't see through your own fog, then you'll always be making excuses and poo pooing NC. 1
Zahara Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 (edited) I'll say one last thing. This was a 5 month relationship and within days of meeting him, you both moved in, got the children all tangled in your web and then you had to move out because it was not working. It speaks of your emotional maturity and your inability to make sound and wise decisions. Edited June 13, 2013 by Zahara 1
Simon Phoenix Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 For the record, I was not speaking about my most recent ex, I am not friends with him. I am speaking about an ex who I was with for 2.5 years and when we broke up, we didn't do NC, we didn't cut each other off, we became close friends. My most recent ex, I did do NC with. I done it for 3 weeks and do you know what, I didn't feel like it helped at all. Trying to stick to it almost cost me my job, made me extremely miserable and distant from the people I cared about and who cared about me and it just did not work. Just because it clearly works for some people, doesn't mean it works for everyone. Three weeks isn't NC. It's a long vacation. That's not a real attempt. 1
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