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So crushed after losing her...


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Posted

I am currently writing my sad story as a word document, but it is getting REALLY long. So I think I'll sum it up in a short post...I am a 42 yr old male and I am in a dead end relationship with my daughter's mother, we live together, but I have been in a relationship on the side for the past 4+ years with the woman of my dreams, my soul mate, my everything.

 

About a month ago, my love, "GG", went into emergency surgery for an appendectomy, and I wussed out and didnt go to the hospital for fear that i would get caught and lose my daughter. GG was crushed that I didn't visit her, and she ended it with me.

 

We didnt talk for a week, then i contacted her and she told me she was moving on with some guy from her daughter's soccer team - one of the dads who came over to take care of her. I died. Another week went by with no contact. She drives by my work in the morning for her work, so I got into work early 2 weeks ago and made a sign on a big piece of paper that said "IFLU" (our way of texting "I F&*^* Love You") and i ran out to the street, and when i saw her car coming, i held up the sign. She pulled up to me and put down her passenger side window, and i said "I miss you" and i completely lost it...she got out and hugged me as I sobbed in her arms, telling her i loved her so much. We got in her car and pulled to the side, and i told her i didnt want to lose her, and i would start the process of moving out so i could be with her. She said this soccer dad was just a nice guy helping out, nothing happened, and she would end it with him so we could be together.

 

So i started the search for a place to live, I stopped being so afraid of being seen with her in public, I went to HER office for the first time, met her coworkers, i met her son, it seemed like everything was going to fall into place.

 

Then on Monday morning I got this email from her -

 

"Please dont hate me. But I know u will cause I would. I need a break from this...I need time to think. Something changed in me after my operation...i changed. ive never been able to snap back. I know u r going to be destroyed right now but this is all wrong. I can't let u leave your home feeling the way I do. Please give me this time to figure out my feelings. I'm so sorry...I do NOT want to hurt u. I need to work this all out. Please forgive me..."

 

I am so crushed. So lost. I know this is it with her...we were just talking about getting MARRIED and now she's gone.

 

I'll try to post the LONG version of this story tomorrow, but, I just wanted to get this out there because I am so hurting, and support would be appreciated...

Posted

oh man.. I'm terribly sorry.

 

But you should have went to the hospital man!! IMO when women say "I need time to think" its never a good thing.

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Posted

Not going to the hospital will be the biggest regret in my life. So stupid...

Posted

I have regrets too man, I was actually falling in love with this girl. And my problem was I tried too hard. So I have regrets as well.

 

Do you want her back? What steps have you taken to earn her back?

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Posted
I have regrets too man, I was actually falling in love with this girl. And my problem was I tried too hard. So I have regrets as well.

 

Do you want her back? What steps have you taken to earn her back?

 

OMG yes i want her back! I cant function without her!

 

Since I have to be discreet about contacting her, we only communicate thru chatting via gmail, but she blocked me. I can call her when my boss is out, but I really don't see the point. What could I possibly say that would make her want to be with me? I mean, last week we were saying we are soul mates, she was saying i am perfect, etc...I dont know...

 

She knows how much I love her, I don't think there is anything I can say or do that will convince her that she should be with me. I think NC is my only hope.

Posted

First of all, you should handle the situation with your current woman before involving other people. If it's 'dead end', then end it. You are creating a painful situation for all involved.

 

Second. I really don't think an absence from visiting this girl at the hospital is grounds for ending an otherwise successful RS. Seems like there are definitely other things going on. And if not, maybe time to re-think this person who is so quick to toss you aside. Sounds like this was just an excuse for her to move on from you??

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Posted
First of all, you should handle the situation with your current woman before involving other people. If it's 'dead end', then end it. You are creating a painful situation for all involved.

 

Second. I really don't think an absence from visiting this girl at the hospital is grounds for ending an otherwise successful RS. Seems like there are definitely other things going on. And if not, maybe time to re-think this person who is so quick to toss you aside. Sounds like this was just an excuse for her to move on from you??

 

Bingo! I agree with this.

 

Authentic love wouldn't be so fickle, in my opinion. It worked when it was fantasy, but when you moved to make it reality, she didn't want it. Just my thoughts, I could be wrong.

 

But bottom line, living a lie and living in limbo isn't fun for anyone. You should clean up your life and get real and honest with everyone, starting with your wife.

 

If you can't fix the relationship with her, you should take steps to get a divorce and be free from that relationship so you are free to be with whoever you choose in the future.

 

I'm sorry for your pain. All the best to you.

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Posted
First of all, you should handle the situation with your current woman before involving other people. If it's 'dead end', then end it. You are creating a painful situation for all involved.

 

Second. I really don't think an absence from visiting this girl at the hospital is grounds for ending an otherwise successful RS. Seems like there are definitely other things going on. And if not, maybe time to re-think this person who is so quick to toss you aside. Sounds like this was just an excuse for her to move on from you??

 

I think i may HAVE to end it, because I need to move on from GG, and I cant see how i'd do that if i stay in my current dead end relationship.

 

She's been upset lately that we aren;t able to do "normal" relationship things, like haha go out in public, get together on the weekends, and, visit her in the hospital...so, i think the hospital thing brought it all to a head...

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Posted

You not going to the hospital was small potatoes in the grand scheme. That isn't the main reason and you're totally overlooking the obvious.

 

Dude, she was cheating on you. She was cheating on you with that kids father. What guy that happens to be an acquantance; where the only thing you should have in common is the fact that our kids are on the same soccer team, shows up at the hospital and stays to take care of her while she's in there. Sorry, but there had to be something between them in order for him to do that. Any other person may have sent a card or flowers with a get well soon card. But, he invested his time into her. Someone who he's supposed to barely know. That doesn't make sense. So, the only logical deduction is that there was something there that you didn't know about.

 

I have a feeling that she's still with Soccer Dad and you got the boot. Sorry dude.

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Posted

You married, Eddy?

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Posted
You not going to the hospital was small potatoes in the grand scheme. That isn't the main reason and you're totally overlooking the obvious.

 

Dude, she was cheating on you. She was cheating on you with that kids father. What guy that happens to be an acquantance; where the only thing you should have in common is the fact that our kids are on the same soccer team, shows up at the hospital and stays to take care of her while she's in there. Sorry, but there had to be something between them in order for him to do that. Any other person may have sent a card or flowers with a get well soon card. But, he invested his time into her. Someone who he's supposed to barely know. That doesn't make sense. So, the only logical deduction is that there was something there that you didn't know about.

 

I have a feeling that she's still with Soccer Dad and you got the boot. Sorry dude.

 

You could be right, but I don't think so...she's always been brutally honest about everything. The soccer dad didnt go to the hospital, and I am really not sure of the extent of what he did to help her out. Meanwhile, her mom and her kids were all at the hospital, waiting for me to show up.

 

What I should have said in my opening post was that, the week she went into the hospital (it was a Friday), I actually broke up with my girlfriend...and GG was ecstatic...I told my girlfriend it was over, I didnt love her, and I would be moving out soon. She told me if I didnt want to try with her, then I had to move out immediately, but I couldnt because i had no where to go. So I was stuck. But, GG was thrilled that I manned up and told her i didnt love her. She probably took me not going to the hospital as wussing out. And it wrecked her, and she was done. Who knows.

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Posted
You married, Eddy?

 

Not married.

 

I gotta run out for a couple of hours, but I'll be back later to answer any more questions...thank you all for letting me get this off my chest!

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Posted
You could be right, but I don't think so...she's always been brutally honest about everything. The soccer dad didnt go to the hospital, and I am really not sure of the extent of what he did to help her out. Meanwhile, her mom and her kids were all at the hospital, waiting for me to show up.

 

What I should have said in my opening post was that, the week she went into the hospital (it was a Friday), I actually broke up with my girlfriend...and GG was ecstatic...I told my girlfriend it was over, I didnt love her, and I would be moving out soon. She told me if I didnt want to try with her, then I had to move out immediately, but I couldnt because i had no where to go. So I was stuck. But, GG was thrilled that I manned up and told her i didnt love her. She probably took me not going to the hospital as wussing out. And it wrecked her, and she was done. Who knows.

 

Okay, hospital or home. Really doesn't matter. The point is, he was investing time into her that was outside the norm of regular behavior for someone that should have been nothing more than an acquaintance.

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Posted

I am in a very similar situation.

 

My OM is pulling away and it's killing me. He hasn't ended it, but I feel it coming.

 

She probably is frustrated that you haven't left. I know you say you have nowhere to go, which is how I feel at times as well, but the bottom line is, I haven't left. I choose to be there. My reasons and excuses are all justified in my head, but it certainly doesn't change the way he feels or the heartache he has because we have planned a future together and I am still unavailable.

 

I can't blame him for ending it. But it's physically painful to deal with.

Posted

I'm surprised no one has mentioned the very common scenario where the cheating affair partners decide to make their dream come true and be a real couple, only to then realize that the forbidden nature of the relationship was a big part of the charm of it. Or that the limited contact was all they really wanted from the AP. Once it becomes a real possible relationship, one or the other thinks, "What?! I said I wanted to live with you?! Yikes, now how to exit this gracefully...."

 

You should still do yourself and GG a favor and end that relationship. She deserves better and you need to figure out what you want. Hopefully not someone with such low standards as to have a 4 year secret affair with you.

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Posted
Not married.

 

I gotta run out for a couple of hours, but I'll be back later to answer any more questions...thank you all for letting me get this off my chest!

 

Hey, we try our best! :laugh:

 

And, even a blind squirrel finds a nut once in a while!

 

That's true for Love Shack advice as well :D

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Posted
I am in a very similar situation.

 

My OM is pulling away and it's killing me. He hasn't ended it, but I feel it coming.

 

OM??? What is that?

Posted
I'm surprised no one has mentioned the very common scenario where the cheating affair partners decide to make their dream come true and be a real couple, only to then realize that the forbidden nature of the relationship was a big part of the charm of it. Or that the limited contact was all they really wanted from the AP. Once it becomes a real possible relationship, one or the other thinks, "What?! I said I wanted to live with you?! Yikes, now how to exit this gracefully...."

 

You should still do yourself and GG a favor and end that relationship. She deserves better and you need to figure out what you want. Hopefully not someone with such low standards as to have a 4 year secret affair with you.

 

This is getting close to what is taking place here.

 

The reason for her sudden change of heart is somewhat connected to the hospitalization but it is just the tip of the iceberg.

 

Affair relationships rarely last and they rarely last very long after the end of the primary relationship(s) Her getting cold feet and dumping you was just nature taking it's course. It happened kind of quickly but it was inevitable.

 

Affair relationships are built on sexuality, fun, excitement, forbidden fruit and having your cake while eating it at home. In many ways it is all about the "CAKE." it's enjoying the sweet frosting while you are out of the house while all your laundry and healthy meals and regular daily life are being taken care of at home.

 

Affairs are just for fun and orgasms.

 

Once someone leaves their primary maritial/relationship partner it is no longer just a fun fling on the side with no responsibilities and no work. Now you have their dirty underwear and smelly socks laying on your floor. Now it becomes work and now you have to deal with all the day to day chores, work and daily grind. When you have an affair you get your orgasms and then you send them home so someone else has to deal with their dirty underwear and socks.

 

The problem is when you have an affair with someone they now know what a crappy spouse you really are. They know better than anyone else what you do behind your spouse's back. You were good for an orgasm but you aren't good for a real relationship.

 

So in essence Eddy, you are tainted to her. She may have loved it when you had your tongue up her butt and she may have had a few laughs with you watching tv over delivery pizza but you are not a valid relationship candidate to her.

 

Soccer Dad doesn't have the tainted history with her and he is free and clear for a relationship in her eyes (even though he likely has his own dark side too) In her eyes he is a clean slate and worthy of consideration of a relationship. To her, you were just a play toy while someone else was washing your underwear and now you are just another cheater and womanizer looking for someone else to wash your underwear.

 

When the chips were down and she needed someone you weren't there. If I am understanding your timeline correctly, you had even formally dumped your GF before she went into the hosp which in her mind means you didn't come to her side simply because you didn't want to and couldn't be bothered by her petty inconveniences. Her subconscious brain is telling her she just got pumped and dumped by some wannabe stud who doesn't really care for her. There is nothing you can say or do that will ever change that view of you.

 

Again this was a perfectly normal and predictable chain of events. the only thing the slightest bit unique here is the speed with which it all came crashing down. Usually this takes a few months to a year or so after someone leaves their spouse for their AP partner to move on to a valid relationship candidate.

 

All not going to her side did was speed that process up by a few months. At least you are free and clear to rebuild your life now rather than several months from now.

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Posted
OM??? What is that?

 

 

OM = Other Man

Posted

I'm going to suggest that you change your focus while you can.

 

End your current relationship, get yourself established someplace, removed from your baby momma's life...then see where you're at in terms of being able to have a relationship with someone else. And see if your 'soulmate' is available then.

 

Use this 'seperation' as a chance to focus on making yourself available when/if the time comes.

 

If the current relationship is 'dead end' as you describe...then end it while you've got the chance to do so relatively cleanly.

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Posted

I agree with all that you've said.

 

I'm going to suggest that you change your focus while you can.

 

End your current relationship, get yourself established someplace, removed from your baby momma's life...then see where you're at in terms of being able to have a relationship with someone else. And see if your 'soulmate' is available then.

 

Use this 'seperation' as a chance to focus on making yourself available when/if the time comes.

 

If the current relationship is 'dead end' as you describe...then end it while you've got the chance to do so relatively cleanly.

Posted
As the other woman, I can tell you that I'm sorry you are hurting, but I guarantee that while she was having emergency surgery, apparently alone... she was hurting too.

THAT is a huge part of her change of heart. She doesn't feel she can count on you and she doesn't want to hide in the shadows.

 

She may very well change her mind, and if she does... what are you going to do then? Are you prepared to be with her 100%? How are you going to handle this so you don't destroy your wife?

 

You have a lot to think about. You need to decide what you want before you start trying to take any actions.

 

And if she doesn't change her mind, then.. you know what? It's because it was too little too late, and that sucks, but you still have a "dead end relationship" that you really need to be dealing with as well. It's not fair to your wife to be in this with you while your heart is elsewhere is it?

 

If you can fall in love with someone else, then I don't think you're all that committed.

I'm sorry you are hurting, but now, during her time to think... should be yours as well.

 

Thank you LFH. I thought I'd stumbled into a creative writing class here for a minute.

 

Eddy. The woman you're swearing up and down was lying in a hospital bed facing surgery. It sounds like she believed you loved her and hon, you threw it all up in her face. What do you expect her to feel? Didn't you think she might be a little hurt by your cruel action? Add to that the nights you've gone home and left her alone. Do you realize how many of those nights she must have cried? How much she missed you? Man up Eddy. It's not just the operation it's everything. That was the culmination and the final straw.

 

And as far as soccer dad. First of all she wasn't cheating on you. Aren't you the one who goes home to a partner every night? She may have been having a R with someone and that's her choice. Not yours.

 

Right now you're looking to blame her for your bad decision to stay in a bad R. Oh woe is you. She's terrified that the wuss that left her at the hospital is the one who's going to keep letting her down. Man up and show her you love her. Man up and let your partner go. Stay close to your D and make sure she stays in your life. Your OW has nothing to do with your cowardice, no more than your BS does.

 

Leave your partner and find yourself. Make a life that is truly yours and then invite GG back in. If you're lucky she'll give you the time of day. Be fair to both your partner and to GG.

 

There was some talk about Rs between APs not working and know what? They're right that they often don't but want to know the 2 biggest reasons why? The new couple doesn't take the work needed to transition to a full R seriously and they can't cope with all the external factors and the fact there may be habits of a lifetime that led them to the R. The other is this. You don't know each other. You need to start at the beginning and date. You may have a great R with GG but when you're a couple the dynamic is different and you have to strip it back to the beginning and start again. Guess what. Some of the new Rs end because it simply doesn't work out.

 

I'm going through it now. DMM left his W and a year later we started seeing each other. It took him 4 years to do it but he did it. It's tough but it's worth it in every single respect. Do the hard work on you. Let your partner go so she can live her life. Tell GG what your plans are and accept whatever level it is she takes in all of it. She waited over 4 years for you, the least you could do is give her some time too.

Posted

What are you teaching your child (who WILL find out what you did to his/her mother)?

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Posted

You need to calm down soon. Also stop behaving chaotically.

 

You don't want to be with her, or...I'll give you this...maybe you think you do, but I doubt you'll follow through with it. Want to know why? Because the reason you weren't there while your soul mate bad surgery was ...you didn't want to be discovered. There you go! What changed? Nothing, you're still covering your tracks on your side of life.

 

Been there and I know how it ends. Good for her for not falling for it. You have shown your true colors, which are that she's not a priority for you. If you had been serious about being with her, you wouldn't still be living, sleeping and going home to your baby mama.

 

Sorry if I can't be nice and understanding. Sort of used it all up on exMM it seems.

Posted
I am a 42 yr old male and I am in a dead end relationship with my daughter's mother
End this relationship. If it's a dead-end relationship, why are your stringing along your mother's daughter. Set her free

 

You might want to describe the nature of this dead-end relationship. It would be helpful to those willing to give you advice.

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