Steph-It-Up Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 (edited) Hey, So i've been married a fourtnight and im having doubts. I met my husband, Michael, when i was 19. He's 6 years older than me and was 25 Compared to the jerks my friends were dating at the time he was good to me, iguess cause he was older, and had and still has a really good suit & tie job. I have 4 brothers and they wernt to keen on him, the just lacked anything in common, I guess as a family we were massively into sport and outdoorsy stuff and Michaelwasnt, he was more of a city guy. He wasnt dead keen on my family either (maybethat was a warning sign), or the act they liked to call him Mike, but he tolerated them for me and at the time i thought that was considerate of him. 2 years later when i was 21 I found out he cheated on me with a hooker, i confronted him about it, my mom always told us that if you can you should work atrelationships and not just jack them in so thats what i intended to do but iwas seriously considering ending it. The problem was, i cant argue with him,like i cant explain it he has this way of twisting everything you say - i gointo an argument fuming at him and i end up the bad guy and all the fault falls at my feet. The same year hetold me he didn’t want kids, which was a blow because I always did picture myself with a family - its not like im a meek and mild women and what he saysgoes, i grew up with 4 brothers - i learnt to be tough and stand my ground but he just...he just, I cant explain it he ties me up in knots when im tryingto argue my point – he’d of made a good lawyer. So anyway we’vebeen together 6 years (I know I haven’t exactly sold him up to now but he does has his good points) and we got married two weeks ago. The thing is last year I went on a trip biking Durango to Moab and on the same trip was a guy,Barney. He was 26 like me and works as a kids soccer coach in the winter andmountain bike and white-water rafting instructor in the summer. We just hit it off, for one thing he’s the only person I’ve ever met that’s as competitive as me – I fact I feel like we’re pretty alike full stop! Since then we’ve gone onto become really good friends, he’s funny, good looking and easy going. Henever ever puts me down, he does the opposite. He has 6 year old fraternal twin boys who he’s raised by himself as his gf died when they we’re2 and they are an absolute credit to him, there great boys and he’s a fantastic dad – he couldn’t believe that Michael didn’t want kids. He’s actually come with me to a few family BBQ’s that Michael couldn’t make due to work trips, he gets on with my brothers like a house on fire, there just cut from the same cloth. I fell for him,no doubt about it and the more time I spend with him the more I wonder if I ever really was in love with Michael – I never felt the way I do with Barney whenI was with him. I know I should of dealt with all this BEFORE walking down the aisle! A few days before my wedding my momdid say to me all the: make sure your happy you don’t have to do it if your not, committing’s important but it has to be to the right guy. I knew it didn’t feel right leading up to the wedding, even on the day, but ahh I dunno, im no quitter and we’d planned all the wedding, we’d spent money…I just kept going. And now we’re married. I decided to put barney to one side and try and make it work but thething is, maybe I didn’t know any better before, but I do now. Now I know thatwe just don’t fit together - he wants someone who’ll cook & look after thehouse and entertain his friends and be happy with a shopping trip at theweekend but the truth is I don’t want that, I want someone I can have fun withand I want to go camping and fishing and to watch my brothers baseball game. I played my part– I went along with this, I had doubts and I married him anyway but I don’tknow if I can stick with this for the rest of my life. But at the same time, we've been together 6 years and theres been good times in that - its quite scary to throw all that away for a guy who's just walked into my life. So confused! :/ Edited June 13, 2013 by Steph-It-Up 1
Balzac Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 I'll start with: Michael has had a vasectomy as he doesn't want kids? Your story has a lot of moving parts w/o the new guy.
TaraMaiden Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 meh. File for divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour. Ditch Michael, go with Barney. Sorted. 3
Author Steph-It-Up Posted June 13, 2013 Author Posted June 13, 2013 I'll start with: Michael has had a vasectomy as he doesn't want kids? Your story has a lot of moving parts w/o the new guy. Sorry, what do you mean?
Author Steph-It-Up Posted June 13, 2013 Author Posted June 13, 2013 meh. File for divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour. Ditch Michael, go with Barney. Sorted. He's not really been unreasonable thou, it's me that wants out! Plus 6 years is a long time to throw away thou!
TaraMaiden Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 Not really. Some marriages here ended after 24 years (mine) so it's not being thrown away. It's just 'done'. Besides, you've changed a lot since you first met him. And it's actually not uncommon for people to have doubts and want out just after a marriage, after a long relationship. It happens. You married wanting kids. he tells you he doesn't want them. That could be covered by 'unreasonable'. If you don't want to go that route, just separate, and file at another time. But why prolong the agony? Why extend this unhappy liaison? Your family aren't keen on him, he's not keen on them.... Well, look, it takes a bit of courage, but once you do it - you'll feel relieved. I 2
Balzac Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 I'll start with: Michael has had a vasectomy as he doesn't want kids? Your story has a lot of moving parts w/o the new guy. The same year hetold me he didn’t want kids, which was a blow because I always did picture myself with a family - Moving parts is that you've described a myriad of relationship issues. Most of which read to be of long duration.
TigerCub Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 Seems like you knew not to marry him, that he's not right for you, but wanted the ring and the wedding so now that you got that you're stuck with the "forever" part of marriage and it's not looking so good. ...get a divorce. He cheated on you and you took that He didn't want kids when you know you did and you accepted that too... you got your ring and your wedding..... now get the divorce that should follow. 5
Forever Learning Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 He's not really been unreasonable thou, it's me that wants out! Plus 6 years is a long time to throw away thou! No, not at all! 26 is a great age to ESCAPE (via divorce) from this loser you married. I was 26 when I got together with a loser, and then wasted 16 years with him. Now I am 44 and starting over. Life is great for me now! But I am here on the mountaintop, looking down at you, and begging you to leave him NOW, rather than later. You are still young! 26 years old is just a baby! Get a divorce, find a man who wants kids and makes you happy, whether it's Barney, or someone else. 5
Author Steph-It-Up Posted June 13, 2013 Author Posted June 13, 2013 Besides, you've changed a lot since you first met him. But why prolong the agony? Why extend this unhappy liaison? Your family aren't keen on him, he's not keen on them.... Yeah you right it's true..its very true.... I know he'll make me feel like the worst person ever but unless im staying for good, the longer I stay the harder I make it on everyone. 1
TaraMaiden Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 From what you say (and I'm not doubting you, but from what you say...) he's verbally agile, articulate and manipulative. He can - what I call - snooker-think. Or chess-think. He's two or three moves ahead of you, so can tie you up in verbal knots. This - unless you learn to deal with it on an equal level - will tie you in knots and eventually eat away at your self-confidence. he will make you feel stupid. He seems to be somewhat controlling - no, he doesn't want kids - so could you imagine what would happen if you became pregnant? And re: the vasectomy comment - if he doesn't truly want kids, then that's up to him to take no-risk preventative measures, and make it final and definite. If he hasn't done that - then presumably, he is automatically assuming and expecting that you will take all preventative and precautionary actions? isn't that an unfair thing to ask of you - given that it's you who wants kids, and it's him who doesn't? As for seeing a hooker while with you - ?? Get dafuq outta here. Sorry hun - he would have been sleeping on the sidewalk the moment I discovered that, if I'd been you..... 2
Author Steph-It-Up Posted June 13, 2013 Author Posted June 13, 2013 No, not at all! 26 is a great age to ESCAPE (via divorce) from this loser you married. I was 26 when I got together with a loser, and then wasted 16 years with him. Now I am 44 and starting over. Life is great for me now! But I am here on the mountaintop, looking down at you, and begging you to leave him NOW, rather than later. You are still young! 26 years old is just a baby! Get a divorce, find a man who wants kids and makes you happy, whether it's Barney, or someone else. yeah...yeah...I do know your right, I do...I don't want to look back in 20 years and think what if id left! Its just hard to make the jump! 1
TaraMaiden Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 Part of the fear is what other people - like your mum - will think or say. Well, anyone in a divorced situation will tell you that's par for the course. Not everyone will see it your way, but you know what? It passes. It goes. It gets forgotten, and people move on - when they see you doing so. Part of the good thing about divorce is that it isn't as morally frowned upon as it used to be. It's more socially acceptable and fewer people will criticise or judge. And whatever you do - make sure you don't have an affair and cheat on him before you file. THAT would be inconsiderate, foolish and very, very unwise..... 2
TaraMaiden Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 Well, that remains to be seen. But in any case, a divorce seems to be the most favoured option. 1
Author Steph-It-Up Posted June 13, 2013 Author Posted June 13, 2013 From what you say (and I'm not doubting you, but from what you say...) he's verbally agile, articulate and manipulative. He can - what I call - snooker-think. Or chess-think. He's two or three moves ahead of you, so can tie you up in verbal knots. This - unless you learn to deal with it on an equal level - will tie you in knots and eventually eat away at your self-confidence. he will make you feel stupid. He seems to be somewhat controlling - no, he doesn't want kids - so could you imagine what would happen if you became pregnant? Yeah he does make me feel stupid - and I know im not stupid, I was offered academic and athletic scholarships to uni. I don't know how he does it! And re: the vasectomy comment - if he doesn't truly want kids, then that's up to him to take no-risk preventative measures, and make it final and definite. If he hasn't done that - then presumably, he is automatically assuming and expecting that you will take all preventative and precautionary actions? isn't that an unfair thing to ask of you - given that it's you who wants kids, and it's him who doesn't? Oh I get it. Yeah. I hadn't really ever thought of it like that! I guess it is, yeah! As for seeing a hooker while with you - ?? Get dafuq outta here. Sorry hun - he would have been sleeping on the sidewalk the moment I discovered that, if I'd been you..... This is it, like so would I! Like im not the kind of girl who would stand for that! I didn't mean to stand for it he just twists it and before I know it instead of being mad at him im defending myself and my actions - its not till im like telling someone else or writing it now that im like how the f*@% did he do that! 1
Author Steph-It-Up Posted June 13, 2013 Author Posted June 13, 2013 cheaters always minimize and no way would OP be talking about Barney this way if she wasn't already deeply and inappropriately involved with him Im not having an affair with Barney, im not cheating, I wouldn't cheat. It's not like that, its more of a case of...I didn't know how different life could be with a different guy, meeting barney just kind of opened my eyes. The extend to which your right is I think that the amount I've laughed with him has probably done more damage to my relationship with Michael than if id actually ever kissed him! 2
Author Steph-It-Up Posted June 13, 2013 Author Posted June 13, 2013 Part of the fear is what other people - like your mum - will think or say. Well, anyone in a divorced situation will tell you that's par for the course. Not everyone will see it your way, but you know what? It passes. It goes. It gets forgotten, and people move on - when they see you doing so. yeah, thats one of the reasons I didnt stop it before the wedding - which I should of done!! I guess sooner you do it, sooner its in the past.. 1
Forever Learning Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 Steph: Of course you got your fancy party, center of attention, so there's that. Even better will be the look on your husband's face when you break the news to him that you cheated on him like this and married him for nothing. I'll bet you can't wait for that. Steph-it-up, PLEASE ignore this poster, he is obviously a hater. Ignore! There is an ignore button, you can put him on ignore. His hatefullness and negativity serves no purpose here. He just likes to hate, so ignore him. We have alot of haters around here, you can't take their hateful advice seriously. It's meant to hurt, not help. And it's given because they actually hate themselves. Alrighty then! On with your thread! 3
Author Steph-It-Up Posted June 13, 2013 Author Posted June 13, 2013 Steph-it-up, PLEASE ignore this poster, he is obviously a hater. Ignore! There is an ignore button, you can put him on ignore. His hatefullness and negativity serves no purpose here. He just likes to hate, so ignore him. We have alot of haters around here, you can't take their hateful advice seriously. It's meant to hurt, not help. And it's given because they actually hate themselves. Alrighty then! On with your thread! aww thank you!
GorillaTheater Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 Steph-it-up, PLEASE ignore this poster, he is obviously a hater. Ignore! There is an ignore button, you can put him on ignore. His hatefullness and negativity serves no purpose here. He just likes to hate, so ignore him. We have alot of haters around here, you can't take their hateful advice seriously. It's meant to hurt, not help. And it's given because they actually hate themselves. Alrighty then! On with your thread! FL, you know I love you, and I'm not a hater. Well, maybe, but only part-time. But I think Cook has a point. Steph, you knew he didn't want kids going into the marriage. He cheated, but if my math's right that was four years ago, and you chose to marry him anyways. And then there's Barney. I'm not sure what to make of him, but your feelings for him are pretty evident. So then I wonder how much of this is actual incompatibility, and how much is a crush on Barney. And maybe more than a crush, I don't know. I think it's entirely possible that your feelings for Barney are clouding your view. I'd suggest cutting Barney out of your life, and spending the next few months, once the fog clears, to rationally assess your marriage. I'm not opposed to divorce, I think it should always be a potential option (and I've been married nearly 30 years), but I also think you have to "earn" your way out of a marriage. You need to give it your best effort, clear of any feelings for a third person. When you've done that, and it's still not working, then by all means file. 2
Nyla Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 Seems like you knew not to marry him, that he's not right for you, but wanted the ring and the wedding so now that you got that you're stuck with the "forever" part of marriage and it's not looking so good. ...get a divorce. He cheated on you and you took that He didn't want kids when you know you did and you accepted that too... you got your ring and your wedding..... now get the divorce that should follow. I agree with this. Too many women get caught up in the excitement of engagement and wedding, yet they ignore obvious red flags of the men they are marrying. After all the excitement, the red flags rear their ugly heads and the women find themselves in unhappy or abusive marriages. 2
Author Steph-It-Up Posted June 13, 2013 Author Posted June 13, 2013 Oh he'll yeah I don't pretend to be the wronged innocent party - I've played my part! Steph, you knew he didn't want kids going into the marriage. Yeah I totally hold my hands up to that I told him that I could live without having kids and I didn't comprehend how hard that would actually be but I can't throw that in his face now because I'm an adult and I chose him that was okay. He cheated, but if my math's right that was four years ago, and you chose to marry him anyways. Yeah. That hurt me and actually what still hurts me out of the whole thing isn't even that it was a hooker but that he never actually even said sorry, it was my fault cause I don't do proper formal dinner parties....I see now it wasn't my fault - he's a grown man and it's down to him who he ends up in bed with not me - it gets to me I didn't stand up for myself more then, but was a long time ago now, I put it in the past and chose to marry him. And then there's Barney. I'm not sure what to make of him, but your feelings for him are pretty evident. So then I wonder how much of this is actual incompatibility, and how much is a crush on Barney. And maybe more than a crush, I don't know. I think it's entirely possible that your feelings for Barney are clouding your view. Yeah I have fallen for him a bit I can't lie about that. I think that it has made a difference in our relationship, I think more that anything it's made me want more of Michael, which probably isn't fair but is true. It's probably highlighted the problems that I always let go like not seeing my family as much as I'd like, the fact that I feel like I disappoint him all the time, the fact he's never there - the things I've lived with since I was 20. I went into this relationship with the best of intentions, I believed I loved him - I do love him, to this day..but I'm no longer sure I was ever actually in love with him - I just didn't know the difference. I'd suggest cutting Barney out of your life, and spending the next few months, once the fog clears, to rationally assess your marriage. I'm not opposed to divorce, I think it should always be a potential option (and I've been married nearly 30 years), but I also think you have to "earn" your way out of a marriage. You need to give it your best effort, clear of any feelings for a third person. When you've done that, and it's still not working, then by all means file. yeah it's true, im feel walking down the aisle was a mistake but It was my mistake - I feel like I owe it to everyone to try and make it work!! but I also feel like we're differnt people and I can't be what he wants me to be! :/
marqueemoon4 Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 I'm not bothered with what you think. I gave advice as I felt it was appropriate. What the OP decides to do, is entirely up to her. But it's not only a marriage of 2 weeks. it's a six-year relationship which began when she was 19. And she was the first to state that she considered the marriage a mistake. Not I. And if you want to criticise - which is both your right and privilege - call a spade a ruddy shovel and call me by my name. Not a "certain poster with a ridiculous amount of posts". I've been here a while. I have a lot of posts. It's immaterial, really..... Well I appreciate you allowing me to voice my opinion. What's material is this girl is confused and vulnerable and you tell her to file for divorce for "unreasonable behavior"? Seems pretty irresponsible to me hot lips. And I didn't know you we're qualified to give such advice. Is this awarded after 10k posts?
Forever Learning Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 yeah it's true, i feel walking down the aisle was a mistake but It was my mistake - I feel like I owe it to everyone to try and make it work!! but I also feel like we're differnt people and I can't be what he wants me to be! :/ You feel it was a mistake. Sometimes it takes ACTUALLY GETTING MARRIED to realize this, after years of being together. This is not that unusual. Sometimes you don't 'see the light' until after the wedding. It happens. Alot actually. The fact that you say you can't be who he wants you to be - that is just such a big red flag to me. You only need be yourself, and I can see that you don't feel accepted by him when you are just being yourself. That's a huge problem. You shouldn't stop 'being yourself' for him. There is actually more I wanted to write but I have to put my kids to bed, it was in the part of your post where you said he twists everything in arguements and makes it your fault. BIG RED FLAG! That sound's like a Narcissist to me. I will try to find you links tomorrow to educate you on that. I was married to one for 16 years who ALWAYS did that, so that statement you made really jumped out at me. Narcissism is a serious personality disorder that can't be 'fixed'. I have to put the kids to bed, so let me try to give you more info about this tomorrow. Also, it almost seems to me you are looking for someone's permission to leave him. This permission you seek is something you will have to grant to yourself, and sometimes its a slow process in getting there, but you have to be true to yourself in the end. It's a process of growth and self reflection/ self introspection, the process of standing up for yourself, and charting your own course in life regarding where you want to go and who you want to be with. This situation you are in is NOT easy, because yes, if you leave him, some folks will be mad. Individual counseling is not a bad idea either, to help guide you in getting focused and regrouping, and for the support. More later.
Forever Learning Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 FL, you know I love you I know I'm a lovable fellow Texan, but these professions of love are getting out of hand. Let's stick to one a day, shall we? Only joshing of course. I love you too, you incorrigible silverback! We likely have slightly different views on her marriage situation due, in part, to our own marriage histories. Yours is a happy, healthy marriage, and mine was a long drawn out study in agony and dysfunction. So no doubt we see things differently here. I tend to jump to try to save someone who is suffering in a marriage, due to what I experienced. I do realize that about myself if I step back and squint now and then. I do like to share my experiences and what I've learned along the way though, hoping to help others in need. What can I say, I'm just awesome like that.
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