DonnyPinterCA Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 Hello all, I have been broken up with my ex for about ten months now. She broke up with me because I had not made enough time for her and also because I was stressed with work therefore I was not as intimate as I used to be. I really regret it now. Anyways, I begged and pleaded for her back for several months after the break up to no avail. She kept telling me to move on and said she hoped I would find a great girl for me. I felt so bad when she said this. After a while, I finally decided to go NC as I would see her how and she would flirt with my friends and pay me no attention at all. I said the hell with it. Fast forward to a few months of NC, and I have been seeing her around town quite a bit. Everytime I see her in a bar or restaurant I do not go up to her or talk or anything. I just ignore her and act like she is just another stranger in the place. I think this is bothering her as she came up to me recently and wanted to know why I was ignoring her and then she started bringing up my intimacy problems at the end of the relationship. Everytime I see her now she wants to criticize me for not being intimate towards the end of the realtionship and she always asks me why I wasnt with her. I don't understand it, I am trying to move on and ignore her but she keeps bringing this up when we are in the same bar. I dont know why she would tell me to move on and find someone else but now she is mad I ignore her and starts bringing up our relationship issues. Why doesnt she leave me alone like I have been to her and just move on, escpecially since she was telling me to several months ago?
TaraMaiden Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 ....she came up to me recently and wanted to know why I was ignoring her and then she started bringing up my intimacy problems at the end of the relationship. Everytime I see her now she wants to criticize me for not being intimate towards the end of the realtionship and she always asks me why I wasnt with her. I am trying to move on and ignore her but she keeps bringing this up when we are in the same bar. I dont know why she would tell me to move on and find someone else but now she is mad I ignore her and starts bringing up our relationship issues. Why doesnt she leave me alone like I have been to her and just move on, escpecially since she was telling me to several months ago? Next time she does it, respond - LOUDLY: "Oh, you want to know why I didn't want sex with you? because I just wasn't into you, that's why. You didn't do it for me, or turn me on. Is that answer enough for you? Are we done here? Now leave me alone, okay?" That should do it.
Author DonnyPinterCA Posted June 13, 2013 Author Posted June 13, 2013 (edited) The thing is, I do like her. I still have feelings for her. I just was going through a rough period in my life and I screwed up by not being intimate and it bit me. I would like to try to work things out with her, but I just dont know how so I choose to stay NC and try to heal. I think her seeing that I'm moving on and talking to other women has made her resent me. She shows so much anger towards me when we see each other. I don't understand it. I guess I just need someone to tell me to stick to NC. I am so close to breaking it. I feel like there is still so much energy between us even after 10 months. Maybe I am just thinking optimistically, but I really do think that somewhere down the line there is a chance for us. I'm so tempted to text her soon but I think that will make me look desperate and needy. I think I have piqued her interest by talking to other grls and not giving her much attention, but I doubt that helps in getting her back at all. Edited June 13, 2013 by DonnyPinterCA
TaraMaiden Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 She's attention-seeking. Poking you in the chest. feeding you 'breadcrumbs' albeit in a very hostile, confrontational matter (see the No Contact Guide' in my signature/link). She is clearly not over the issues which effectively broke the two of you up. That's a bad thing. That isn't a sign that reconciliation is possible. That's a sign that she just can't move on and is now carrying baggage. She's not 'into you', but she wants to get on your case. You need to nip it in the bud. She will never go out with you again. Sex is a massive deal-breaking issue in a relationship. So put getting back together, out of your head, because I can comfortably predict - it's not going to happen. But a response in the vein I illustrated - will prevent further confrontation. if you don't do it, she will not stop. Happy with that? No. So do as I recommend.
totallylost5040 Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 Hmmmmmmm if she keeps telling you that when you see her, schedule some time for you and her to talk 1x1. Tell her go honestly get whatever is on her chest out. Go from there. Honestly if she's still telling you that, she's obviously still thinking about your whether that be in a positive or negative way. I think you'll find your answers if you just talk to her civilly, if she can't talk civilly, I would do what tara maiden suggest. If she can't be an adult about it, then its a sign of what's to come down the road when a larger more important topic comes up. Texting her after this long won't make you look desperate or needy, as long as its short and to the point. I mean it has been almost a year, that's a long time. If you still care for her, do it, you both have had plenty of time to evaluate the relationship.... That's how I got into trouble... thinking too much. Just do it.
Author DonnyPinterCA Posted June 13, 2013 Author Posted June 13, 2013 (edited) See I used to text her occasionally and ask her to meet up several months after the break up and she would always give me short answers and would not choose to meet up. I have since ceased and probably have not done this for 4 months. I am so afraid of getting rejected again so I havent done it. I think there is still something left. She has and does not have a BF ever since the break up. She is very attractive though and has gotten plenty of interest, as I have witnessed guys come up and hit one her left and right at the bar, so it's not like she is having any problem acquiring male interest. So I would think she would not have to bug me to boost her ego or self-esteem as she has plenty of guys hitting on her....I have not find any girl worth GF material yet either. I just need some way to communicate to her and let her know that I regret my intimacy issues and that it could be resolved. I just dont know how to go about this. I think going NC on her has made her interested again. Idk if it's just for her own ego, or if she is once again attracted to me, but I would love to try again with her but don't know how to initiate in an attractive, non-desperate, non-needy way. Edited June 13, 2013 by DonnyPinterCA
TaraMaiden Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 Have you actually read the No Contact thread? She's getting under your skin and poking at your chest - because she can. This isn't about 'getting back together' in her book. This is "I haven't moved on yet, why should you?"
Author DonnyPinterCA Posted June 13, 2013 Author Posted June 13, 2013 (edited) But why would she still be bugging me after almost a year, a year in which she has had plenty of interest from potential suitors?? She must see something in me and our past relationship? She can get pretty much any guy she wants, why would it still matter what my opinion is of her if she doesn't have any feelings? I'm confused. You seem to express the opinion that there is no such thing as a second chance? I've seen plenty of relationships that are stronger becuase the partners had time away from each other to realize what they used to have. Edited June 13, 2013 by DonnyPinterCA
TaraMaiden Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 Not so. It's possible (and I'm not laying the blame on you) that the issues which led to your break-up were too personal for her to deal with, have knocked her confidence, and she feels mistrustful and reluctant to get into a committed relationship. Now, you haven't really explained what the issues were, but one of them was 'intimacy'. I take it that something in your sex life was amiss. That's just me guessing, I could be wrong. But if she already had self-esteem issues, or is quite young then that in itself is going to put a damper on further relationships. She may not have found a person she wanted to begin a relationship with, because she clearly can't get over the problems that occurred at your break-up.
Author DonnyPinterCA Posted June 13, 2013 Author Posted June 13, 2013 (edited) It was my first sexual relationship and I was hesitant....I guess, but it wouldn't change her mindset if I made a serious effort to express to her that we could resolve these issues and that I care enough about her to want to resolve them? I have not found a spark with someone anywhere even close to what I felt with my ex. Is it wrong to want to try to reignite that? Edited June 13, 2013 by DonnyPinterCA
TaraMaiden Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 Look: I don't know. I don't hold a crystal ball. But being a lady myself, I personally wouldn't be keen to go down a trodden road again, because there is no evidence whatsoever that it wouldn't happen again. What was the matter? Were you shy? Do you think you have a low sex-drive? Is hers higher? Does she have more experience with previous partners? You see, if sexuality is an incompatibility issue - then this is a really difficult one to sort and resolve. When you get a sexual incompatibility, it's extremely difficult to reach a compromise where both members would be happy with the outcome. There has to be a commitment to examining, discussing and resolving the problem. And occasionally, it's advisable to seek counselling. But you can't make yourself 'want' sex more than you do. And if your body-clocks aren't in sync... then much as I'd love to encourage you to go for it, I suspect you'd be on a hiding to nothing.
totallylost5040 Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 Yowza... is sexual/physical attraction hard to overcome if its lost? I haven't had that issue, but its interesting to know.
TaraMaiden Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 generally speaking, and more often than not, it's the woman whose libido takes a nose-dive, particularly after pregnancy/giving birth. The incidence of women going off sex in a marriage is quite high - nigh-on 50%. of course, the other 50% are fine.... But trying to match up sexual desire and timing, can be a nightmare.
Author DonnyPinterCA Posted June 13, 2013 Author Posted June 13, 2013 I was inexperienced and raised very strictly and drove myself to be a worrywort about all the risks assoicated with sex--therefore I was hesitant to open up, but I have been working on my mental issues and would be more than willing to have a sexual relationship with her again. Should I contact her in one last ditch effort to talk about this? Or would that come off as unnatractive. I kind of want to get thiss off my chest with her because I did miss out on a great opportunity but I don't no how to do so. I am just sticking to NC now and it seems to have made her more interested in me, but also with a lot of anger.
TaraMaiden Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 Wait until she sees you in public again, and begins on you. Turn to her and say to her - "Look, how about dinner? Clearly there's some issues we need to discuss. I'd be really happy to be able to do that - why don't we get together this weekend, and discuss this like adults?" And see which buttons that presses....
Author DonnyPinterCA Posted June 13, 2013 Author Posted June 13, 2013 (edited) Yeah I may try that. Who knows. I'm venting. She saw me at a bar a few days ago with a couple buddies and a bunch of women so idk if i'll even ask now because I feel that she resents me after seeing me with a bunch of women. I went up to her and said hello, but she was very short and the conversation went nowhere. We were sober at this occasion. The occasions where she always comes up to me are usually in a little drunker state. Edited June 13, 2013 by DonnyPinterCA
Author DonnyPinterCA Posted June 13, 2013 Author Posted June 13, 2013 I am so tempted to break NC and send her a text. I need a female to convince me that this would not be a good idea. I don't want to ruin any chances if there is one left. It just has been so long since I have been intimate with a woman that it's doing bad things to my head. Also, she looked really good last night so that isn't helping matters.
TaraMaiden Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 If most of her reproaches were made while she was a little drunk - then you really don't want to call her out on this. Drunk words are fuelled by emotion. Sober = common sense. Emotionally she may have reproached you but in the cold (and sober) light of day, she will kick you to the kerb. If she gets mad with you when she's drunk, she won't improve any while she's sober. Quite the opposite. I'm a woman. I'm telling you: Don't text her.
Simon Phoenix Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 I am so tempted to break NC and send her a text. I need a female to convince me that this would not be a good idea. I don't want to ruin any chances if there is one left. It just has been so long since I have been intimate with a woman that it's doing bad things to my head. Also, she looked really good last night so that isn't helping matters. I'm not a female but this is a s--tty idea. She's not into you dude. She's just looking to see if you are on the hook. It's apparent that you are. Keep your cool and maybe avoid places where you see her a lot. You can't look at it as if you are ruining a chance. She rejected you. You are playing the doormat with that kind of wussy Mary philosophy. You need to be you and be strong and not be a bitch. If she wants you she'll let you know. And if that happens, it'll be up to you whether or not you want her to have a second chance. Cliffs: Stop being weakminded. Be you and be strong.
Recommended Posts