MollyJ Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 (edited) Where to start..... I've been dating this guy for 7 months, we got really close and both fell in love quite quickly. I always knew that serious conversations and any sort of negativity made him really edgy and nervous so really worked on myself as I can be fiery at times. In the 7 months though we had 4 arguments (he counted). I don't remember what they were about as we had moved on from them but nothing serious. The most recent was 2 weeks ago and it stemmed from me being sick and cranky and feeling we were'nt spending enough time together. As soon as I brought this up he got very annoyed and we both said some hurtful things. After that I apologized for my part but he said we were done. He said he told himself after the first argument there would be no more and there were two more after that. To me he never got over them at the time. He said he cant deal with any sort of arguments at all and although he loves me his hatred for arguments is stronger. Since then he's shut me out but also told me he wants to be friends again and that his feelings havent changed. I sent him a text asking to talk and telling him I felt sad about the whole situation and couldnt understand why he could love me one day but then walk away so easily. He then told me THAT conversation was getting him annoyed and making him lose the feelings he had for me and that he didnt want to go over it. He then asked me to give him space which I said I would but also added that he misses me and that he pormises we will be fine soon ....Im so confused and don't know what to think or how to deal with this. I know he doesnt like arguments but they start off as discussions usually as a result of his behaviour. I love him but I dont know if things will be the same and its really hurtful the way he's treating me now Edited June 13, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
aussietigerwolf Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 he's a dick... you'd be better of if you nc'ed him and found a guy who does deserve you. 2
TaraMaiden Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 Passive-aggressive control-freak. Let me tell you, even the very best of relationships, have an argument or five. My parents? 57 years. Man, the ding-dongs they had. My husband and I have been together 10 years. Raised the roof more than once.... he's being utterly unrealistic if he thinks an argument - for the sake of calling it an argument, forgetting the subject matter, even - is a deal-breaker and as good a reason as any to break up. He avoids confrontation. But not because it worries him, scares him or because he's calm, placid and non-argumentative. he avoids confrontation by controlling the situation and 'blackmailing' you into standing down. It doesn't matter what the situation is. He chooses to have the last word, decides he's right and that an argument will neither ensue, nor resolve anything. This trait will worsen, the situation will escalate until such a time as he will not even broach a difference of opinion. Could i say that form the sound of it, you should be glad to have escaped this? You seem to have dodged the proverbial. Read my signature. No Contact link. Go for it, gurl.... Unless this man has therapy for what is quite evidently a character flaw and unreasonable personality trait, this won't change. How do you think he would take it if you suggested such a thing? I bet I can guess. 2
Author MollyJ Posted June 13, 2013 Author Posted June 13, 2013 Thank you for your replies. Yes he really has a problem with me broaching any subject if it makes him feel uncomfortable. I was calm to start off with then he was telling me I was angry and he didnt like where the conversations were going and asked would I like to continue when I had time to readjust my mood. Of Course this got my blood boiling and DID turn me from a calm woman who was upset at not spending enough time with her bf to the angry woman he was telling me I was. Everything is 'no worries'..'all said and done' when really I know now that its not how it is he just wants it to be that way. I am no angel and can admit when im in the wrong. I also said I apologize for my part but he was pretty hurtful to me and I felt like he was pouring oil on the fire. Still no apology from him he just said 'ahhh, so your looking for someone to blame'. Not the case at all. I just cannot fugure him out at all. Also when I questioned his feelings he got mad and said I should know better. I am so hurt and confused but yes the no contact is something im definately going to try as much as it hurts me. I shouldnt be analysing everything he's said to me. Like I said .....Its driving me insane
Author MollyJ Posted June 13, 2013 Author Posted June 13, 2013 Sorry....I havent gotten the hang of this chat layout yet your comment about him seeking therapy would not go down well at all. He's 31 but doesnt like change. He got nervous and anxious when I asked him some time ago what his goals where in life and what he would like for his future, not about us...just in general. He told me he was sweating and felt anxious and didnt want to talk about it anymore whilst we were on a call. He thinks he has no problems and no worries and anyone who has any form of negative comment or difference of opinion is starting drama and he runs away.
TaraMaiden Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 It's all your fault. Of course it is, how could it not be? everything that's happening is as a result of you getting agitated. Ah-hah-ah...no, no, no! You're doing it again? See? You have a temper. If you'd just calm down and see things my way, you'd feel a lot better. Just think about it, you'll see I'm right. Now we can discuss this when you've calmed down, but until then, I suggest you try to think about it logically and control your temper, because it's your temper causing all of this. How have you succeeded so far in not braining this jerk with a 12lb paella skillet?? Sad? Yes of course it makes you sad. Something you hoped would grow into an harmonious and compatible relationship, has transformed into 'daddy', cajoling, chastising and controlling is little girl. He's turning this relationship into something so utterly governed by his attitude, you will be stifled, choked and restricted beyond imagination. I have no idea actually, how old you guys are, but he needs a really good harsh kick in the shins with a pair of steel toe-cap boots before you leave him to it. Sorry, but this isn't going to level out to any reasonable 'playing field'. it will always be unlevel. Him on the top, and you progressively getting pushed further and further down the hill.
TaraMaiden Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 Sorry....I havent gotten the hang of this chat layout yet your comment about him seeking therapy would not go down well at all. He's 31 but doesnt like change. He got nervous and anxious when I asked him some time ago what his goals where in life and what he would like for his future, not about us...just in general. He told me he was sweating and felt anxious and didnt want to talk about it anymore whilst we were on a call. He thinks he has no problems and no worries and anyone who has any form of negative comment or difference of opinion is starting drama and he runs away. That's why he's controlling. if he's in charge and things are run according to his own internal rules and guidelines, then nothing can go wrong, can it. As long as you cooperate and do as you are bidden, we'll all be happy. Essentially what he's trying to make you do, is to comply with his temperament and accommodate his flaws. But you cannot, in all honesty and with all reason, do that. This would mean eradicating aspects of your own character, and suppressing your own natural temperament. Nobody in a relationship should be forced to do that, particularly if the result would be one-sided and dysfunctional. Read the link, and follow through. Keep posting. We're here to help.
Leigh 87 Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 My ex HATED drama and arguments. He was the most anti drama and anti argument dude I have EVER met. Yet he put up with 2.5 years of it. Before he walked. From my perspective, a guy should be able to deal with 4 or 5 moderate arguments before walking away, if he is seriously in love with a girl. IF the fighting between you was very belligerent and hostile, then possibly ONE terrible fight could end a relationship, if the fight is damaging enough. What level or arguing are you inferring to?
TaraMaiden Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 That's immaterial. If he refuses to engage in discussion, and also insists on turning everything around to indicate that SHE is at fault, SHE is too volatile, SHE should not be expanding on the discussion - the guy's an ignorant jerk.
Author MollyJ Posted June 13, 2013 Author Posted June 13, 2013 There was never any shouting and screaming, nothing like that. It was very strange the way any argument went. It would start off as me trying to talk to him about my feelings and end up with us both saying hurtful things. But when I think back its only now I realise that he really had a big part in cranking me up a notch or two. I asked if we could talk and right away he said 'uh oh..I dont like where this is going'. He told me he didnt want to talk again till I was calm. This argument was actually in a call which he cut off due to not liking my tone, then proceeded to type to me. He told me he didnt want to talk about it till I was calm and I said 'god forbid you have to be involved in a REAL conversation' which he took great offence to and I also said I felt he was showing me no respect and didnt feel like any sort of person he loved. That made him see red and tell me to keep throwing insults, that he promises he'll read them...and that was that. He told me we were done that he just couldnt cope with those type of arguments and that I should learn to control myself and also said 'Its how you deal with your issues, I dont think we can change that'. That basically was the whole fight give or take some random nonsense in between ....
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