friends with benefits - things are getting complicating

[Fivedollarshake]

dated a guy 'unofficially' for about 4-5 months and it ended due to him being with another girl and lieing to me about. i'm not going to lie - i was extremely attached to this guy and was falling for him so i was really hurt by it and wouldn't talk to him for a good 2 months afterwards. and even though i was hurt by this situation.. i am grateful for what happened because i learned to never fully trust anyone and never to put all your eggs into one basket until you make everything 'official' between one another.

 

but, things started to get awkward though because we have the same group of friends.. so me trying to be the bigger stronger person decided i would make the first move and forgive him for what happened between us and to go back to being friends so the awkwardness would stop between everyone.

and everything was going great for about a good month. i was dating other guys, he was still dating that one girl and we were getting along.

 

and then one day i texted him drunk and said we should hook up. i'm not going to lie he was probably the best sex i ever had with anyone. i wasn't seriously dating anyone at the time or hooking up with anyone and things ended between that girl and him so he agreed. and he was sober when this happened. we had sex and everything was still fine between us. we (mostly me) wanted to keep it a secret from our friends though. i just didn't want people in our business.

we kept this going on for about a month. i would hit him up for sex and he would do the same. i would always leave and wouldn't stay the night with him and i was having fun.

 

it been 2 months now and things are now starting to get complicating.

for example.. the one night we planned for me to come over to have sex at his place after he was done with work. he texted me twice and i didn't answer because i was busy. after an hour later i texted him back and was like 'do you still want me to come over because it's late now' and he replied back and said 'if you were with someone else just now that's just nasty'.... really??

 

and now he starts to flirt with me in public in front of our friends. he watches me at the bar when he DJs. if i don't talk to him first in public he makes the first move into talking to me. and then randomly he'll have this hot and cold attitude towards me and sometimes my texts go unanswered.

 

i figured it was probably because there was another girl in the picture so i figured i would just ask not seeing the problem with it because we are just friends with benefits, nothing serious was going on between us,we were friends now and i just figured have the right to know. i also wanted to make sure because i'm extremely anal about STDS and i don't want any problems with that.

so i asked him if he was sleeping with other girls and he said 'yup lmao'.. i said i didn't understand what was so funny because stuff like that makes me nervous.. he then replied 'about what' and then said that i was 'tripping, again'... i asked him how was i tripping and he never replied back. so i went on and said that i didn't care if he was sleeping with other girls (which i honestly don't) just the whole STD thing freaks me out and makes me nervous. And he continued to ignore me. so i got mad as hell and asked him how many girls was he sleeping with and he said '80, 22, 35, 10' ... and that just set my temper off.

i got mad at the thought that he couldn't just have a adult conversation with me with out trying to be a sarcastic *******. so i just let it go.

 

the following day i went on a date and posted pics on some social networks of the outfit i was wearing and of our dinner. i am dating other guys, but i'm not having sex with any of them yet.

the day after my date i texted my fwb if he wanted to have sex tonight and he never texted me back. i was like okay whatever and just left it as it is. in the morning he texted me and said 'didn't you have sex just the other night ewwww'

i immediately took it as a insult and replied back. '1. he was a friend. i can't go out with any guy friends now? 2. i ain't your girl or anything. i can do what i want with whoever i want 3. you said you were sleeping with other girls anyways so why do you even care?'

he replied ' ewwww. ewwww. first of all i wasn't checking on you. i dont care what you do. i was saying shouldn't you be satisfied.'

i replied 'lmao. good to know. and oh yes.. because you know i def should have gotten that from what you texted earlier without taking it as a insult. you should have just said that before.'

and all he said back was 'whatever' and that was it.

 

when we first started hooking up we never made any rules between eachother and just went with the flow of things. i now regret that.

and honestly i don't even try to talk to him that much. i'm busy with school, friends and work. the only times i text him is for sex and when me and him are getting together with a bunch of friends to hang out. and he does the same.

i'm also not going to lie.. i still have some left over feelings for him and i care about him a lot. but, not enough to act on them.

 

so now i'm confused as hell as why he's acting like this. or maybe it's just me?

help? advice? anything?

i've decided to leave him alone for while because i don't know what to do.

[KatZee]

You don't know what to do? Stop having sex with this kid. I'm not sure why you continue to do so. He sounds immature as hell. Also I don't get how you're "so anal" about STDs yet you continue to f.uck him knowing he's with other girls and you're actively seating other guys (which would obviously lead to more sex the longer the dating went on.)

[aussietigerwolf]

he's developed feelings and is acting childish about it.

[SoulJazzBlues]

This guy does not have feelings for you. This is not complicating, this is just disrespectful.

 

Why would you have feelings and care about someone that basically is calling you disgusting? I don't understand.

[TaraMaiden]

Break up with him in every sense of the word.

Cut him off, do not contact him for any reason, even sex (especially sex!!) and kick him to the kerb.

 

Decide what it is you want in life, live your life the way you want, but don't include him.

If he starts with the rumours, deal with them when they arise.

 

But for now - just shake him off like a bad cold.....

[PogoStick]

It's amazing you still want him even though he's being rude and childish. He's an ass and you reward him for it!

 

Imagine how crazy that must make all the "nice guys" on LS.

[MrCastle]

I say keep sleeping with him.

[Adele0908]

From what I can see, both of you have trouble letting people in. You both have walls up. Maybe some trust issues mixed with some commitment phobia and a dash of immaturity.

 

So one of you would have to break the ice first, and it's not going to be him.

 

Yep, one of you is going to have to reveal your true feelings, and he won't be the one. it's gonna have to be you, IF you care enough or like him enough to say how you feel. Then you will just have to leave him be. Let him think about it and make a choice.

 

Also, the thought of you banging other guys while sleeping with another man is a turnoff for most men, no matter how you say it. just don't even bring up other guys with him, if you still want to see him, that is.

[MrCastle]

From what I can see, both of you have trouble letting people in. You both have walls up. Maybe some trust issues mixed with some commitment phobia and a dash of immaturity.

 

So one of you would have to break the ice first, and it's not going to be him.

 

Yep, one of you is going to have to reveal your true feelings, and he won't be the one. it's gonna have to be you, IF you care enough or like him enough to say how you feel. Then you will just have to leave him be. Let him think about it and make a choice.

 

Also, the thought of you banging other guys while sleeping with another man is a turnoff for most men, no matter how you say it. just don't even bring up other guys with him, if you still want to see him, that is.

 

So to sum it up--she should make herself vulnerable by saying she has feelings for him, and then not talk about other men while he is out sleeping with other women?

[TaraMaiden]

You must've missed the part where he gives it to her like she's never had it before.

 

Yeah. Unfortunately, the dick goes sick when the guy's a prick.

[Adele0908]

So to sum it up--she should make herself vulnerable by saying she has feelings for him, and then not talk about other men while he is out sleeping with other women?

 

Yep.

 

IF she wants to try and build some kind of trust between them. Then logically she would have to be honest about her feelings.

 

Or she can just keep playing games and being confused, hoping that he will read her mind and discover her true feelings for him.

 

OR she could just dump him entirely, and move on. but I suspect that's not what she wants to do.

 

It's up to her. either way. *shrugs*

[MrCastle]

Before this inevitably turns into a nice guy finishes last thread, I'd just like to point out what I feel is the overall message that should be learned here. And that is, attraction is not a choice.

 

Most men that are unsuccessful are such because they approach dating logically.

 

They spend too much time trying to appeal to her brain as opposed to her vagina.

 

They think "well I have this going for me, and this going for me, and xyz, and such and such, it would only stand to reason she would be into me. Why wouldn't she be?"

 

This girl knows the guy treats her like garbage. She has written about it. The original post is a classic example of her logical brain fighting her sexual attraction--and right now, losing that battle.

 

I know there are two schools of thought when it comes to attraction: it's not a choice vs it is a conscious choice able to be controlled--but threads like these pop up all the time.

[Adele0908]

Before this inevitably turns into a nice guy finishes last thread, I'd just like to point out what I feel is the overall message that should be learned here. And that is, attraction is not a choice.

 

Most men that are unsuccessful are such because they approach dating logically.

 

They spend too much time trying to appeal to her brain as opposed to her vagina.

 

They think "well I have this going for me, and this going for me, and xyz, and such and such, it would only stand to reason she would be into me. Why wouldn't she be?"

 

This girl knows the guy treats her like garbage. She has written about it. The original post is a classic example of her logical brain fighting her sexual attraction--and right now, losing that battle.

 

I know there are two schools of thought when it comes to attraction: it's not a choice vs it is a conscious choice able to be controlled--but threads like these pop up all the time.

 

This is off topic.

[ThaWholigan]

This is off topic.

Yeah, but it needed to be explained before the sh*tstorm rears its head.

[NoMoreJerks]

Most men that are unsuccessful are such because they approach dating logically.

 

They spend too much time trying to appeal to her brain as opposed to her vagina.

You serious? I don't think there is any one or major reason why men are unsuccessful. It varies. I , for one, would not be swayed by a man who tries to "appeal to my vagina." In fact, I went on a date with a guy the other night, and I took him home and banged him, but when he sent me some sexual mssges, I just ignored him and will keep on ignoring him... It's over, as far as I am concerned. If he had just said, would you like to go some place for dinner, or some other place ? I would've said yes ,because I want a relationship, not just some fun in the sheets.

 

OP: clearly you are not made for FWB. Why continue screwing this guy, especially that you appear to have no trouble getting dates and having sex with other men???? I don't get it. It's not fair to the other men.

Edited June 13, 2013 by NoMoreJerks

[MrCastle]

You serious? I don't think there is any one or major reason why men are unsuccessful. It varies. I , for one, would not be swayed by a man who tries to "appeal to my vagina." In fact, I went on a date with a guy the other night, and I took him home and banged him, but when he sent me some sexual mssges, I just ignored him and will keep on ignoring him... It's over, as far as I am concerned. If he had just said, would you like to go some place for dinner, or some other place ? I would've said yes ,because I want a relationship, not just some fun in the sheets.[/Quote]

 

So, to combat my post about attraction not being a choice, you've used you going on a date and banging a guy as your example?

 

What made you bang him, is the question here.

 

Did he have a good job? Was he accomplished academically? Did he write you poetry?

 

Or was he dressed nice, good looking, and confident?

 

Sexual urges are triggered by primal instinct.

 

Some men believe things like money/good job, having smarts, and other non sexual things like that will make a woman jump into bed with them.

 

Relationships, maybe. I'm sure some people weigh all the pros and cons of dating someone, but if we're talking just sex, neither men nor women sit there with a notepad and think of all the reasons they should sleep with someone versus why they shouldn't.

 

This girl made it clear. He treats her badly, they only talk when they plan to have sex, he gets mad at the mere thought of her being with other men and tries to shame her by saying "eww", meanwhile he can sleep with as many women as he wants and laughs it off when she confronts him about it. It's pretty clear the guy doesn't take her serious and is just playing her. Why can't she quit him? Because the sex is good. She admits he's the best she's had.

 

That's all it is, plain and simple. OP is dick whipped and is trying to logically drag herself out of it.

[NoMoreJerks]

Actually, I slept with him because he was very smart and I could have a good conversation with him and felt like we had some sort of a connection there. 3 hours of non-stop conversation without a moment of awkwardness, on the first date -- I've never done that, especially that I usually get very nervous on first dates. That's why. Not because I was particularly attracted to him, physically/sexually. In fact, he was really not my type. Sure, I didn't sit down with a notepad and make note of the pros and cons of sleeping with him. But that was never the question here.... The sex with him was out of this world, but I am not interested in just a sexual / fwb arrangement, so I have stopped contacting him even though he's texted me 3 times now.

 

This girl made it clear. He treats her badly, they only talk when they plan to have sex, he gets mad at the mere thought of her being with other men and tries to shame her by saying "eww", meanwhile he can sleep with as many women as he wants and laughs it off when she confronts him about it. It's pretty clear the guy doesn't take her serious and is just playing her. Why can't she quit him? Because the sex is good. She admits he's the best she's had.

She also stated that she's gotten attached to him / has feelings for him. I suspect it's more a case of her not having really gotten over her feelings for him. In fact, I suspect she used the mutual friends thing as an excuse to keep in touch with him...

[KungFuJoe]

I'm just having a hard time getting over the fact that a guy texted "ewwwww".

 

:/

[NoMoreJerks]

I also did not leave my douchebag ex for a long time, not because the sex was great -- he was a selfish bastard in bed-- but because I had very strong feelings for him -- this is despite the fact that he treated me like sh*t. I only left him for good, after I found pictures of his Thai whore-mistress on his phone, along with videos.. It was too much for me to cope with. It completely wiped out any and all feelings I had for him, and I would've done the same if the sex with him had been out of this world. Sex has very little to do with it.

[MrCastle]

I also did not leave my douchebag ex for a long time, not because the sex was great -- he was a selfish bastard in bed-- but because I had very strong feelings for him -- this is despite the fact that he treated me like sh*t. I only left him for good, after I found pictures of his Thai whore-mistress on his phone, along with videos.. It was too much for me to cope with. It completely wiped out any and all feelings I had for him, and I would've done the same if the sex with him had been out of this world. Sex has very little to do with it.

 

Sexual attraction and feelings go hand in hand.

 

Or, allow me to make a more general statement:

 

Emotions trump logic when it comes to matters of the heart.

 

People continue to get burned because despite knowing full well what's happening and having a clear understanding that things are messed up logically, as in, they recognize they are not a good match for their SO, their heart won't let them move on.

 

You stuck with your terrible bf, ignoring all red flags until the one that crushed you emotionally. Once you no longer had an emotional attachment, you left him.

 

Had you listened to your brain prior to, you could have been spared the heartache.

 

This is not about you personally. It goes for everyone. We're all victims of this.

 

My overall message was people get frustrated when they see someone they want to date stick it out with some loser, but the person dating said loser can't help it. They are not thinking logically.

[NoMoreJerks]

Well, your post implied that she was sticking around because the sex was good. Just because the sex was good does not mean that someone will stick around. That's why I gave you the example of that guy I had a date with. He was smart, a gentleman, etc., all the things I look for in a guy, and the sex was amazing. But I didn't stick around, even though I WAS looking for a relationship. It got too sexual too fast, and he didn't pull back after that one time we had sex. Instead he sent me texts implying he wanted to have sex with me again.

[MrCastle]

Well, your post implied that she was sticking around because the sex was good. Just because the sex was good does not mean that someone will stick around. That's why I gave you the example of that guy I had a date with. He was smart, a gentleman, etc., all the things I look for in a guy, and the sex was amazing. But I didn't stick around, even though I WAS looking for a relationship. It got too sexual too fast, and he didn't pull back after that one time we had sex. Instead he sent me texts implying he wanted to have sex with me again.

 

Well I rephrased my statement to be broader but I still believe some people stick around because the sex is good. Probably happens to men more than women (have actually had men confess to me that's the only reason they're with their terrible gf's) but nevertheless, it happens.

 

But, yeah. There is not a sexual part of your brain and a logical part. It is an emotional part vs a logical part. The sexual stuff falls under the emotional umbrella.

 

People can't detach until they no longer have feelings for their partner.

 

They can be cheated on, hurt, treated badly, abused, etc but they'll continue to find excuses to stay until their emotional well runs dry.

 

I'm amazed at how many women I speak to that once they end their relationship, admit the last few months or even years with their partner sucked, but they couldn't walk away.

 

The emotions are gone and only then do they realize how stupid their decisions were.

 

Again; this is not gender specific. We are all victims of this.

 

Like I said, no one sits down with a pen and paper and makes a list of pros and cons of their partner and decides whether or not to keep seeing them.

[MrCastle]

This is also why so many people who end up being dumped think, what the ****? I have x, y, z going for me so logically there's no reason for him/her to leave the relationship.

 

Truth is you could be perfect, if ( especially for women ) the emotional part is dead you're done no matter how many logical reasons there are for why someone should still be attracted to you.

 

Yeah. That's the other part of it as well. Attraction is its own beast. And it's either there or it isn't.

 

The problem is, since it can't be explained logically, when people get dumped, they try to look for logical reasons about themselves that may have caused it.

 

It doesn't work. We like who we like and we often can't explain why.

[Adele0908]

Yeah, but it needed to be explained before the sh*tstorm rears its head.

 

I see. Nevermind then.

[Adele0908]

Yeah. That's the other part of it as well. Attraction is its own beast. And it's either there or it isn't.

 

The problem is, since it can't be explained logically, when people get dumped, they try to look for logical reasons about themselves that may have caused it.

 

It doesn't work. We like who we like and we often can't explain why.

 

Agreed.

 

I had a Nice Guy™ who tried to appeal to my logic with the goal of getting into an exclusive relationship with me....but it failed miserably. I couldn't understand why I felt no attraction to him...

 

Until I realized that it was biology. Men are left-brained (logical), while women tend to be right-brained (intuitive).

 

So appealing to logic just doesn't work. Appealing to a woman's emotions and sexualilty creates a much stronger impression.

 

now I realize sound very logical about the whole thing....lol