stateofconfusion Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 I really could use some good advice and while there will be a tendency to judge (please try not to), the situation is what it is. I've lived with my girlfriend for about 4 years. 6 months ago, I told her it wasn't working for me. After talking, decided to try again. It has become obvious to both of us that it is not going to work, yet because of visa issues, etc., it is not easy for us to just split up and one of us move out. I plan to do so as soon as possible. In meantime, I became friends with a girl I had worked with (we no longer work together). At time, she was getting out of relationship. Every once in a while we would go to lunch together, maybe have a beer after work. After we stopped working together, we stayed in touch. This was about 7-8 months ago. I asked her out and we met for a drink, then dinner, then went to an arcade for games, air hockey, etc...a really fun time. She kept close and had strong eye contact, but we didn't hold hands, flirt much, etc. very casual. She dressed jeans and nice outfit, etc. I recently asked her out again and planned a surprise. She said she was excited about the surprise. Anyway, I told her she could dress it up a bit. I picked her up and she was wearing a short skirt, heels, etc. looked great. I took her to dinner then surprised her by taking her to a jazz club. We sat next to each other, I did flirt a bit more (stroked her hair, walked with her arm and arm, etc.) She didn't touch me much, but would look me in eyes, lean in to talk, laughed a lot, and did not seem uncomfortable with me touching her. We shared a bottle of wine. I also held the door, helped her with coat, etc,. She is very intelligent and driven and I complement her on her personality traits more than her looks. In the end, I'm having more than friends feelings for her. Now here is question 1. Do you think there is any doubt on her part that this was a date, or could she still think we were just friends getting together? One more thing that makes a difference. She is 22 and I'm 35. She also commented during dinner (I brought up general subject) that she was giving her ex a 2nd chance. Question 2. She knows I have a girlfriend but she does not know that the relationship is over. Therefore, as she thinks we are together, could this explain her reluctance to initiate affection, texts, etc. or does she really just think of us a friends and nothing more? Question 3. Should I open up to her and tell her that things are over with my girlfriend or just wait until I move out until I let her know and keep things as they are? I sense that after we went out, it may have made her slightly uncomfortable as when she texted me, she included my gf in the message...never really did that before. My fear is that she might be interested, but think I'm not available for more due to my gf. Question 4. Do you think there is any doubt in her mind that I am attracted to her, even if she is not attracted to me more than just a friend? Long post I know, but really could use some help on this one...thanks!
ses Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 First, I would take time to get over your ex and take a break from dating seriously. You were in a long-term relationship with another woman. And yes, I would be honest and upfront about the status of your relationship. Let her know where you stand on things. However, I wouldn't be surprised if she seems trepidatious and reserved about accepting your overtures. She may worry that you'll treat her as a rebound rather than a potential long-term interest. I would take things very slow and get to know her better. Treat her as a good friend, talk to her more and see where things go. Don't try to force things and make her into your next girlfriend at this moment.
Author stateofconfusion Posted June 13, 2013 Author Posted June 13, 2013 Hi SES, thanks for the great advice. Can I ask your opinion on if it were you, (about the same age as her) would you consider the last night out I described, to be a date?
PogoStick Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 I think what you're really asking is whether she is interested. That can't be implied from agreeing to go out for an evening. She may have just accepted it as a fun night out, and since it was a surprise she didn't know just how "datey" it was going to be. The way you know is if it escalates. A hug, kiss, she openly says she likes you. You need to clear the roadblocks (both your exs) if you want to find out. So far sounds like she is just giving you a friends vibe so be prepared to be turned away.
ses Posted June 15, 2013 Posted June 15, 2013 You're welcome. It's always a pleasure to help. I don't know her personally, but I would only consider it a date if I were equally attracted to the guy. Everything else is just a friendly get-together. She may have sensed your attraction, however, due to the flirtatious touching. I would just talk with her and be open. Answer any questions she may have, and directly ask her how she sees you. Let us know!
paigej91 Posted June 15, 2013 Posted June 15, 2013 Now here is question 1. Do you think there is any doubt on her part that this was a date, or could she still think we were just friends getting together? One more thing that makes a difference. She is 22 and I'm 35. She also commented during dinner (I brought up general subject) that she was giving her ex a 2nd chance. She definitely knew this was a date. Even getting a drink alone with a male is considered a date to me (I'm 21 by the way). Question 2. She knows I have a girlfriend but she does not know that the relationship is over. Therefore, as she thinks we are together, could this explain her reluctance to initiate affection, texts, etc. or does she really just think of us a friends and nothing more? Could definitely explain it. She also may not have feelings for you (this could or could not change) Question 3. Should I open up to her and tell her that things are over with my girlfriend or just wait until I move out until I let her know and keep things as they are? I sense that after we went out, it may have made her slightly uncomfortable as when she texted me, she included my gf in the message...never really did that before. My fear is that she might be interested, but think I'm not available for more due to my gf. You should tell her. It is an important piece of information to know and will show her you're honest (VERY good sign). Make sure she knows you're not just "rebounding", though. Question 4. Do you think there is any doubt in her mind that I am attracted to her, even if she is not attracted to me more than just a friend? She knows. If you surprised her like that and paid, there's no way that isn't a date.
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