Summer Lovin Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 I've been with my boyfriend for a very long-time now, going on 3-years. However, we've had some problems throughout our relationship. I have never been able to accept his past and still feel very insecure over the girlfriend he was with before me. I know I'm stronger than this, but it eats away at me, and it eats away at our relationship so that nothing he does is good enough in my eyes because I compare it to how much he loved his ex. It has caused a lot of problems. Prior to dating me he was with a woman for 3-years. It was long distance, but it was also a very intense relationship, as he would go visit her every chance he got. I would call it a love affair, and he had a lot of emotion for her. I've read some of the letters he sent her, and they are very emotionally intense, telling her that he felt more connected to her than he ever felt to anyone and never in his life would love anyone as much as he loved her, she's his goddess, etc. Due to the distance, they were both "seeing" other people/non-committed, but they still had a strong connection. He informed me he hooked up with several women even though he was "with" her, but he obviously still deeply cared for her. She ended up calling it quits and basically cut it all off with him, and requested he no longer contacted her and she did not want to see him. She had met someone else, and he went off the deep end. He ended up showing up at her place with an engagement ring he bought last minute and begged him to give it another chance. He also was very hostile towards her and very emotionally angry, telling her she was such a fool for doing this to him after everything he did for her. He said he would sleep on her grass until she came out and faced him, and she would regret it. It was a bit overdramatic in my opinion, and she never went out to face him in person, and then he was incredibly hateful towards her telling her how he never even loved her anyways, he just kept her around, and she was such a fool for giving him up. I had met him a few months after the relationship ended, and I didn't know the whole story with his ex. I felt that he was almost stalkerish at first because he seemed so eager to be with me. He took me on all of these amazing dates and told me that he was trying to woo me and wanted to win me over. He did a lot of impulsive things like buy me a lot of really expensive gifts, and he'd say because he cared about me so much, and he had met the girl of his dreams. He needed to lspend every moment together it seemed, and I was really flattered, so fell for it. He was just moving the relationship so quickly and even wanted to move in together really early on. All he really said about his ex was what a b*tch she was and he would never forgive her for what she did to him. I didn't think much of it at the time. As I got to know him better, I learned the whole story through him and also some of his friends. We've been together for a couple of years, but haven't really moved forward because of my insecurities. Also, if I have to be away from him for an extended period of time, he gets really panicky and depressed. It makes it so I feel guilty for leaving him sometimes even if I have to. Looking back on the whole thing, I can't help but feel very insecure over what happened with his ex, and feel that maybe I was a rebound. He said that's not the case, and he has had no contact with her since the whole break-up happened, which I know is true. He said he was over her well before meeting me, but was still bitter because of her actions to him. He says that he's really tired of me comparing my relationship to what I think something was, and he wants to move forward together. However, I'm not sure if it's something I'll ever be able to get over or accept that he had so much love/hatred towards the woman before me. Suggestions?
Eggplant Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 I've been with my boyfriend for a very long-time now, going on 3-years. However, we've had some problems throughout our relationship. If you were happy and at ease together, you wouldn't be insecure about the ex. But you're having problems. What problems are you having, besides your being insecure about the ex?
Pierre Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 The guy sounds very insecure and clingy. Regarding the love letters: Quite often they are nothing but hyperbole. Sometimes insecure people attract each other. He could be as insecure as you are. Lastly: It takes a couple of years to get over an intense long term relationship.
drr6 Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 Armchair therapist is often a foolish attempt... but here goes. The issue with your BF is not that he is so into his ex. He is not. The issues are that he is impulsive, needy, tends to idolize/demonize people to the extreme, and is emotionally volatile. Not trying to slam, but I encourage you to read up a little about borderline personality disorder. On the other hand, it is also troubling that after three years you are oblivious to all these issues and are merely pre-occupied with and misinterpreting his unstable, stalker-ish gestures towards the ex. From your description, their interaction was more a long distance FWB than some great, stable love. The ex seems to have understood that. Your focus is in the wrong place. 5
Author Summer Lovin Posted June 13, 2013 Author Posted June 13, 2013 (edited) Thanks for the input so far. There is just a lot of resentment on my end and feeling like a second choice. I constantly compare my relationship to what I think theirs was and throw in his face how he proposed to her yet won't propose to me. We had to be temporarily seperated while I pursued a training opportunity for work and he did not handle it well. He was upset at me and even ended the relationship because he couldn't handle it. He said ever since what happened with his ex he is terrified of long distance and it was then he told me about the proposal. He also said he didnt think he was being fair to me in the seperation. We ended up getting back together because he said he realized how much he loved me. However I am certain he wasn't 100% faithful to me. He told me he feels single in long distance. That resentment comes up a lot in fights. He said he wants to move forward and work towards getting engaged to me and do it right this time. I'm just not sure if its gonna be good enough. He truthfully hasn't talked to his ex and says she means nothing to him. The last thing he ever said to her was very hateful. She wanted to be on good terms and he wouldn't give her that. I am still just resentful and do not want to settle for being a second choice. He said it was more of an ego blow and he could totally be on the same room as her now and feel nothing. Edited June 13, 2013 by sassiechik21
Spark1111 Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 Thanks for the input so far. There is just a lot of resentment on my end and feeling like a second choice. I constantly compare my relationship to what I think theirs was and throw in his face how he proposed to her yet won't propose to me. We had to be temporarily seperated while I pursued a training opportunity for work and he did not handle it well. He was upset at me and even ended the relationship because he couldn't handle it. He said ever since what happened with his ex he is terrified of long distance and it was then he told me about the proposal. He also said he didnt think he was being fair to me in the seperation. We ended up getting back together because he said he realized how much he loved me. However I am certain he wasn't 100% faithful to me. He told me he feels single in long distance. That resentment comes up a lot in fights. He said he wants to move forward and work towards getting engaged to me and do it right this time. I'm just not sure if its gonna be good enough. He truthfully hasn't talked to his ex and says she means nothing to him. The last thing he ever said to her was very hateful. She wanted to be on good terms and he wouldn't give her that. I am still just resentful and do not want to settle for being a second choice. He said it was more of an ego blow and he could totally be on the same room as her now and feel nothing. Sassie.....you are hyperfocusing on an xgf...long gone and NOT how impulsive, needy, smothering, quick to anger over perceived abandonment your bf is.... You are mistaking fear of being abandoned for passion.
mammasita Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 I'm not so sure that he was TRULY over her two months out after she called it quits. The reality is you've been together for THREE YEARS. There has to be something else bothering you about your relationship besides his ex.
Author Summer Lovin Posted June 13, 2013 Author Posted June 13, 2013 I don't think he was truly over her. I'm sure he is now but he latched onto me to heal. I also think he always needs to be in a relationship. He started dating her a week after a long term relationship had ended. Because of this I am not sure he truly loved me for who I was. I think he loved the idea of having a companion and rushed the relationship. However it has been 3-years. We are reaching a point where he wants to get engaged but I don't know as I don't feel we had a solid start and have had a lot of problems because of that.
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