An Irish guy in America

[Estate]

Ok good people of LS, Estate has a question...

 

I am an Irish guy. I have lived in the US for a few years now (in the north-east). Dating is so different here from my homeland but I've become accustomed to it. I've learned to adapt and I do fairly well with girls.

 

But where I often find it to fall about is when we start asking "where this is going", usually 6 months maybe more down the line...

 

Where I'm from, if someone is lucky enough to graduate from college, and they are ambitious, they MUST move away. Its the only way to find the best opportunities in life and in your career and it's what a lot of people of my own age do.

 

Here though, I find that the "ideal" is to live in your small town, never leave the state, let alone the country. Probably meet a guy in highschool or college and settle down before you hit your mid-twenties.

 

The stumbling block is that girls I have dated love the idea of dating someone different but can't get their head around actually settling down with a guy outside of the "ideal". If I run into exes later, they are usually back with their high-school BF or some guy they knew in college.

 

Lots of people say to me that my Irish accent must get all the women. Yeah, there's some truth to that. Girls are attracted to it and it does help. But I've found it to be a filter... the more a girl likes me accent from the get go, the more likely I am to be in her bed later that night when she utters "Wow, I've never been with an Irish guy before (sound of her checking off another box)" and I never see her again. If a girl makes a deal about my accent, I literally just walk away now it's that bad.

 

The allure of someone "different" draws girls in. But once the honeymoon period is over, they can't get their head around being with someone different or that their life my be different (in a better way IMO) by not going with the flow and going back to some dead beat they dated in highschool.

 

Recently I was listening to a morning radio talkshow on my way to work. A girl called in to go on a rant about a bad date she had with a guy from OLD. Another caller came on to say they can't believe the freaks who use OLD. He himself, got with his sisters best friend when he was 17 and they are getting married next year and why can't everyone JUST DO THAT! I was blown away. To this person, the idea that someone would move away to another country to better their life and career, have to start afresh, not have family and friends and old college roommates to chug beers with at the weekend, was so out of his reality, he just could not comprehend it, but it is the reality for so many of us! We have to put ourselves out there in so many ways to meet friends and new partners.

 

I should have prefaced this by saying not ALL girls are like this... but there IS a trend here... and it's very difficult to find GF material that is actually open to something DIFFERENT.

 

I sometimes wonder if I am missing a step.

Just learning about dating culture here was very difficult to me at first. But now that I am able to meet and date women, maybe I'm still missing a step in learning what a long term relationship takes around here.

 

Any thoughts?

[Feelin Frisky]

Geez, I should have faked an Irish accent all this time. I already have the breeding and last name for it.

[Anela]

I had worries about my own accent (English), because men seem to love it, but it's just a small part of me that I can't really help. It's something different for them, and I appreciate compliments, but there's much more to me that they may or may not like.

 

I'm sorry I can't help with what those girls might be thinking. I moved back here because of my family, so I don't have their mindset. Unless it would be an extreme change.

Edited June 12, 2013 by Anela

[Nava]

If its North East--it may be New England, where there is a tendency for a lot of folks there to lean toward insularity. A lot of people who are not from there, have commented that New England has the look and feel of a lot of English towns due the architecture and the fact that people tend to stay there for generations and never leave.

 

You may want to try Boston and focus on transient culture there since you are going to get a lot of people from other places who are ambitious due to school or career. Your Irish accent may have some cache, but since Boston has a pretty active Irish immigrant population along with Irish descended Americans who live in places like South Boston, Quincy, and Braintree, you may want to look there if not the surrounding suburbs (Boston too) for more ambitious cosmopolitan types.

 

If not, there is always New York City.

[johan]

I had worries about my own accent (English), because men seem to love it, but it's just a small part of me that I can't really help. It's something different for them, and I appreciate compliments, but there's much more to me that they may or may not like.

 

I'm sorry I can't help with what those girls might be thinking. I moved back here because of my family, so I don't have their mindset. Unless it would be an extreme change.

 

Seems like you could get around most of that by faking an American accent. Simple solution.

[Anela]

Seems like you could get around most of that by faking an American accent. Simple solution.

 

I can't fake one. I've tried and I sound terrible. I'd also feel like a fake if I lost my accent, even though I started out with an American one. This is me. Anyway, if it helped with actual relationships, I wouldn't be here. And anything that's being said in this accent, that isn't nice (nagging, complaints, etc), will eventually be just as annoying as those said in an American accent.

 

It just used to bother me when a guy would introduce himself and immediately say, "I love the accent!" I had to get over that, because I realize they need an opener if they want to talk to you.

[StanMusial]

It's kind of like the king salmon that leave the big wide Pacific and swim upstream in rivers and tributaries at great peril to mate at the place of their birth.

 

It's natural to want to settle down with the someone of a familiar background.

[CryForNoOne]

Sounds like all of New England other than Boston/Cambridge/Brookline. One of the many reaons I moved to California. I can assure you, you won't have that problem out here (or any big city)...

[FitChick]

Are you going back to Ireland? Perhaps they don't want to get married and move away. Are you here legally or illegally? If illegal they think you want a Green Card.

[shexy]

I know a lot of people that have moved away from where they originally grew up - some went back to the small town, some didn't

 

I come from a tiny, no where town, and I'm thrilled that I was able to move away to a more urban area where there are more jobs, and more things to do. I think a lot of people prefer the small town/hometown thing because their family is there, and it feels safe. I really don't have family, other than 1 sister, so I have no nostalgia for my hometown.

 

I also think there are a lot of women out there who find the 'novelty' of a guy with an accent to be really cool, and almost like a challenge, but there are women out there who are open minded and really take the time to look at a guys personality and not just the exterior (including accent).

[Estate]

Are you going back to Ireland? Perhaps they don't want to get married and move away. Are you here legally or illegally? If illegal they think you want a Green Card.

 

No offense FitChick... I know those are reasonable questions but they are also questions I'm asked CONSTANTLY and it also becomes a real pain.

 

Worse is when someone DOESN'T even ask but DOES make assumptions.

 

Of course I am here legally. I work for a large firm, I'm not here on the sly doing odd-jobs. I'm a well educated, trained professional and don't give off the demeanor of what people assume us Irish to be.

 

On Green Card... I am on a work VISA and as soon as I am here long enough to qualify for applying I will be applying on my own. Legal or not if you want to stay you need a green card. But again... what you just said is what I get from so many women... "Oh, he must want a green card".

Would it ever be a consideration that I am work here FULLY legally and would actually be disgusted at myself to get a green card without EARNING it for myself. I just couldn't do it. Yet it's an assumption girls WILL make and it gets old very quickly... perhaps I'm looking to date here BECAUSE I am looking to settle here and forming relationships are a big part of that, I'm not dating to get a green card. I have no need to do anything like that.

 

In terms of staying. YES, my life and work is here. Of course I have family in Ireland and other parts of the world. Of course I visit them and they visit me but MY life is here just as my siblings lives are in other parts of the world. Why would I date someone longterm if I was going to just up and leave any moment??

To me this would be a positive... meeting someone with roots elsewhere... maybe we'd travel together, I'd learn their culture, etc, etc.. as the relationship grows... but thats just me.

 

I understand your questions and I understand it is a concern for a girl I may date. But I just find a lot of girls make these ASSUMPTIONS without asking very early on.... or if we date for a longer time and I have given all of the above information to them, they still do not quite "buy it"....

... afterall, most girls I meet tell me how they could never consider leaving home. They couldn't imagine doing it, it's so far out of their reality, that they can't quite get that I am not just here for a little bit of fun and will then do a runner.

 

While I understand their concerns, if I am in a relationship with someone of course it comes up, and I explain my situation but since their outlook on life is so different it's like they do not believe it.... it's very frustrating.

Edited June 13, 2013 by Estate

[CryForNoOne]

Estate,

 

Do you prefer small town life? Otherwise why not seriously consider moving to a big city. A life partner is worth relocating for and if you're having such a hard time finding any candidates, I would strongly recommend giving it serious consideration.

 

I grew up in the South Shore (30 min south of Boston) and went to college in the West Coast. In the 5 years I was gone I grew tremendously as a person. After school I was considering moving back to be closer to my family, but it only took a few weeks before I realized the provincial mindset was going to suffocate me. I still think fondly of NE, reminisce a lot, and can instantly bond with any transplanted "townie" but I'd could never live there again...

[Estate]

Estate,

 

Do you prefer small town life? Otherwise why not seriously consider moving to a big city. A life partner is worth relocating for and if you're having such a hard time finding any candidates, I would strongly recommend giving it serious consideration.

 

I grew up in the South Shore (30 min south of Boston) and went to college in the West Coast. In the 5 years I was gone I grew tremendously as a person. After school I was considering moving back to be closer to my family, but it only took a few weeks before I realized the provincial mindset was going to suffocate me. I still think fondly of NE, reminisce a lot, and can instantly bond with any transplanted "townie" but I'd could never live there again...

 

I live in Cambridge... and work socialize right in the city.

I don't live in the 'burbs... but I'm talking about the culture here... most people are from the surrounding areas that those are the sort of views I see a lot.

 

They will either want to return to the small town eventually and settle down or stay in the city with the highschool friends but rarely branch out.

 

The alternative is yes.... meet more students who come here form elsewhere but I deliberately left those out of it since most of them are now much younger than I am and will leave again in a year or two themselves so they don't pose any real option for meeting someone you could potentially be with in the future.... I've dated students here and know the score... come graduation time... bye bye Boston, hello new life.

[amaysngrace]

If you don't like the idea of people drawing assumptions about you then why in the world would you do it to others?

 

You seem to have clumped these women together and labeled them all the same.

 

If I were you the first thing I'd do is not let your prior experiences have any influence on your mind when meeting someone new. Be curious and don't think they are like anyone you've met before because they aren't and in doing so you may just be creating your own self-fulfilling prophesy.

[FitChick]

Of course I am here legally.

 

There are millions of people here who are not so it's not illogical to assume that might be the case.

 

I have friends in Boston and have met plenty of people who moved there from other places who stayed. These are all educated, sophisticated people. You aren't meeting the right women. Stop dating much younger women and target women who are building their careers in Boston.

[BeholdtheMan]

Lots of people say to me that my Irish accent must get all the women. Yeah, there's some truth to that. Girls are attracted to it and it does help. But I've found it to be a filter... the more a girl likes me accent from the get go, the more likely I am to be in her bed later that night when she utters "Wow, I've never been with an Irish guy before (sound of her checking off another box)" and I never see her again. If a girl makes a deal about my accent, I literally just walk away now it's that bad.

 

Any thoughts?

First world problems...

[Anela]

First world problems...

 

Like just about every other thread here... it's a problem for him.

[Estate]

If you don't like the idea of people drawing assumptions about you then why in the world would you do it to others?

 

You seem to have clumped these women together and labeled them all the same.

 

If I were you the first thing I'd do is not let your prior experiences have any influence on your mind when meeting someone new. Be curious and don't think they are like anyone you've met before because they aren't and in doing so you may just be creating your own self-fulfilling prophesy.

 

Ah come on now.... I'm not labelling anyone. I'm pointing out what I see as a trend with people I meet... I'm not one of those people who say everyone man, woman and child is the same based on my experience...

 

I said dating was a VERY different game than in my home country and it took a lot to get the hang of how it all works and what people looking for...

 

... I feel like making a LTR work takes a lot of reassuring people and learning things too and I haven't really mastered it yet and was asking for ideas. I wasn't slagging anyone off here.

[amaysngrace]

Ah come on now.... I'm not labelling anyone. I'm pointing out what I see as a trend with people I meet... I'm not one of those people who say everyone man, woman and child is the same based on my experience...

 

I said dating was a VERY different game than in my home country and it took a lot to get the hang of how it all works and what people looking for...

 

... I feel like making a LTR work takes a lot of reassuring people and learning things too and I haven't really mastered it yet and was asking for ideas. I wasn't slagging anyone off here.

 

You seem very open-minded and self-accepting.

 

I wouldn't worry if I were you.

[Estate]

There are millions of people here who are not so it's not illogical to assume that might be the case.

 

I have friends in Boston and have met plenty of people who moved there from other places who stayed. These are all educated, sophisticated people. You aren't meeting the right women. Stop dating much younger women and target women who are building their careers in Boston.

 

FitChick... I already wrote in my posts that I DON'T date much younger women. I am not interested, our lifestlyes don't click. I'd love to meet someone similar in age and life to myself.

 

 

Not to rag on you here... but the assumptions made were just what I get a lot. I DO understand why you'd ask those things and why any girl would.... but it's VERY frustrating trying to make it clear to someone I am interested in seeing longterm and re-assuring them that all is above board.

 

I'm wondering how to do this. It's a sticking point.

 

I mean, I'm not going to walk up to someone and say

"Hi, I'm Estate, before we talk you should know I am foreign but am not looking to meet you to obtain a green card and all my papers are in check.... Anyway, so how is your night going?"

 

But sometimes it almost feels like I need to to avoid the assumptions being made. Frustrating it all.

[PogoStick]

Obviously it must be where you are living. Move to Denver! 1/2 the people moved there from other parts of the country. They come east from LA, up from Texas, over from all of the Midwest. People there are career and lifestyle oriented, meaning they want to get out and have a good time. People wait until their 30s to get married, so it's a good place to be single. I'll bet many large cities are like this, LA, Chicago, NY.

 

Compare that to my hometown in Iowa, one of the larger cities of 150,000. Many people don't want to move away ever. Girls tend to have kids in the early 20s, so there are few dateable women at 30. They're either married or single with 3 kids. Going to a university town is a little better. At least those women aren't single mothers at 22, but they still tend to be young and not ready to settle down yet.

[serial muse]

I lived in Boston for several years, and my impression is that it is, in many ways, very small-town-like. It's a pretty insular city. (I am including Cambridge, Somerville, etc. in this - greater Boston area).

 

When you first said northeast US, I was surprised, because I've lived in every major metropolis on the northeastern corridor, and had rarely experienced that. But then I wondered if perhaps you meant Boston - and lo and behold, you did.

 

Honestly? I think it's a location artefact. NYC or DC, for example, are full of people who have done precisely what you talk about - left their small towns for bigger opportunities, without any plans to go back and marry their high school sweethearts. So moving might help you a lot, in terms of finding people who don't have that return-to-my-hometown fantasy.

 

Another point, on the younger folks - yes, there are tons of students in Boston, but that does include tons of grad students, too. So, you know, people who might be more age-appropriate. Might be worth keeping in mind as well.

 

That was really interesting about your accent, by the way. I can totally see where you're coming from on that...makes a lot of sense.

[Arabella]

I don't know what to tell you, my friend. I live in Boston and my experience has been the complete opposite! I'm also foreign, born and raised in Spain, although I became an American citizen back in 2010.

 

I moved here after I split with my ex after an 8 year long relationship and got into a new one 3 months later. The guy was a much younger second-generation Irish, go figure. He never had any issues when I suggested moving to another place when we got married (we were briefly engaged), even though his family is deeply rooted in the area.

 

Now I'm in a different relationship with an American-born Chinese who, like my ex, has no issues with the notion of moving away despite all his family being here.

 

Honestly, I think you're meeting the wrong kind of girl. Boston is full of young professionals like you and me, and the type of girl you describe sounds more like the small-town types that predate the North Shore. Another thing Boston is chock-full? Immigrants (and their descendants) of ANY flavor, but specially Irish, Italian, and Chinese! I have no idea how you're managing to avoid all of these girls and meeting only the small-town all-American girls.

 

Broaden your search!

[Imajerk17]

Estate, I like you as a poster and you give good advice. BUT, even though I don't know you personally, I just find it really hard to believe that it is your Irish accent or that you are "not from around here" that is causing you to hit that wall, where the woman doesn't seem to want to become more serious with you.

 

If any city in the US has an Irish-American enclave it's Boston. That's one thing that crossed my mind after reading this thread. Why is their beloved NBA team named the Celtics? Boston also has its share of upwardly mobile professional young women. So somewhere in Boston are the type of women who are compatible with you. And wherever in Boston is a good spot to meet women compatible to you, it's only a short T-ride away.

 

As I said I don't know you but this is my hunch going by your posts on here: Maybe you come across as a little too smooth, a little too put-together, and it is causing the women to not take you too seriously. Often it is that bit of vulnerability/neediness after the attraction that is in place that bonds two people.

Edited June 13, 2013 by Imajerk17

[Cutiepie1976]

I don't know what to tell you, my friend. I live in Boston and my experience has been the complete opposite! I'm also foreign, born and raised in Spain, although I became an American citizen back in 2010.

 

I moved here after I split with my ex after an 8 year long relationship and got into a new one 3 months later. The guy was a much younger second-generation Irish, go figure. He never had any issues when I suggested moving to another place when we got married (we were briefly engaged), even though his family is deeply rooted in the area.

 

Now I'm in a different relationship with an American-born Chinese who, like my ex, has no issues with the notion of moving away despite all his family being here.

 

Honestly, I think you're meeting the wrong kind of girl. Boston is full of young professionals like you and me, and the type of girl you describe sounds more like the small-town types that predate the North Shore. Another thing Boston is chock-full? Immigrants (and their descendants) of ANY flavor, but specially Irish, Italian, and Chinese! I have no idea how you're managing to avoid all of these girls and meeting only the small-town all-American girls.

 

Broaden your search!

Yup!! I was surprised.

 

I lived in Cambridge for a while. It was a microcosm of the US, with transplants from all over not just the US, but also the world. Unusual for a town its size. Certainly no one had marriage or settling down as a goal until they hit their 30's...and certainly no goal of returning to high school exes and marrying them! We were all ambitious, career-focused, and world-travelled. I doubt in the time I lived there I ran into a "native" who was born and lived there without ever moving. Like NYC or the westside of LA, natives no doubt exist, but they're probably anomalies rather than the norm.

 

Cambridge, most of Boston, Brookline, Newton are not places where the mentality, lifestyle, or life experience is provincial and parochial. They are all mini-UNs. I've left, but I still have tons of friends there...all transplants to the Boston area...all of whom would leave at the drop of a hat given the right opportunity. Just had a friend move to Cambridge a couple of weeks before the bombings. South Korean, who went to high school in the South (US), lived all over the US following college, newly married to an Englishman. That's a very typical profile for someone living in Cambridge.

 

Not denying that your experience is real. Just suggesting that it's unusual and since you're dissatisfied, you may wish to start with the obvious and the easiest to change. Expand your social circle. Look at how and where you spend your time. Examine the way you interact with others, especially women. How you interact, among other things, will definitely impact who will be willing to date you and whether you get taken seriously.