omg... i dated a bpd (part 2)

[jabbzy64]

Hi guys

 

Thanks for all your support and words on my original thread.

 

I'm in a bit of a pickle today...

 

I found that on the back of a mirror my ex got me she wrote a message

 

"I'm sorry that I couldn't live up to this, I believe that we will be together in another lifetime... believe me when I say I have put my blood, tears and sweat into this relationship (i don't agree with that). I will, have and will always love you.

 

Love

Tan

 

 

 

This makes me want to break NC sssoooo badly... but I know that is POINTLESS... she would just ignore me.

 

I just want to go put this mirror on her car and drive away.

 

I need some advice :'(

[SimonSerenade]

Aw man that's heart breaking, I'm actually in tears reading that , it's so sad how someone can go from feeling like that to being a total stranger, I'm really sorry for you man, right now I'm tempted to do the same but you got to remain strong. I know hearing her voice will soothe and console you right now but you can't do it, cry, let it all out, go to the post here instead of contactif your ex thread and just pour your heart out and preten she heard you, it's all you can do.

[chuzzbug]

It's heartbreaking.

 

I'm sorry that you found the message while your feelings are still raw.

 

I would suggest either discarding the mirror, or putting it away from view.

 

Keep NC.

[jabbzy64]

yeah... it hurts.

 

I'm going through NC right now...

 

about 2 weeks in. gets harder before it gets better, I bet.

 

I used to google her name and check her facebook and youtube activity on a daily basis.

 

I've learnt to not do that anymore as it will not help me any way what so over. (i also do not wish to see things that will make me hurt more)

 

I think I will dispose of the mirror.... maybe in a nice way. drop in the ocean?

[Mack05]

Ok a few things (over two posts). Try 'Like' Jada Pinkett Smith on Facebook. This woman is awesome, a true inspiration in everything she does. She writes so articulately about life, love, relationships and everything in between..She wrote this on Facebook last night. She engages so many people individually (including me!!!). Shame she is married to one of my idols in life, Will Smith.

 

"What do I do with heartbreak?

 

In my experience, heartbreaks have been the most devastating moments in my life. But... each heartbreak delivered me into something new and better. The trick had always been to find what I needed to learn about myself or the circumstance that I had participated in creating that brought me so much pain. First...I had to learn to surrender to the pain and suffer through it instead of running right into another relationship where I would tend to fall right back into the same pattern of my previous heartbreak. It took a lot of maturity and courage to choose to suffer through the loss, but I realized that the quality of my relationships were not going to change if I was not going to be willing to... change. Yes... heartbreak is an indicator that we have to change something so we can love and be loved how we truly desire.

...

Heartbreak can be a gift if we are willing to do the work to find it. If any of you are suffering heartbreak while reading this...I am hugging you. Give it time.

 

J"

[Emilia]

This makes me want to break NC sssoooo badly... but I know that is POINTLESS... she would just ignore me.

 

I just want to go put this mirror on her car and drive away.

 

I need some advice :'(

This is your own dysfunction talking, what you are experiencing has nothing to do with your ex but with your inability to detach. It's not love, it's not missing her, it's not anything healthy. It's simple control, wanting to be with someone who is broken and who needs fixing.

 

You have to sort out your own issues.

[Mack05]

If you read her post above she talks about change and saying if you don't change there is every chance you will end up in another unhealthy relationship. That is what you need do. I remember my family saying I needed to change, I remember telling myself I needed to change but I had no real idea where to start or how to go about it. The most important thing for now is that you are open to 'change'.

 

let me tell you something froma guy thats been in two of these types of relationships. They don't happen by accident. It's not bad luck. It's not they are crazy and you are the innocent victim. There is a lot more happening under the surface when it comes to the relationship dynamics.

 

How do I know all this? Because I made a vow to learn from my mistakes. To try get as much of an understanding as I could to what caused their behaviours and far more importantly what was behind mine..Ok so this will probably take three posts. let me tell you what is probably going to happen...

[Mack05]

This is your own dysfunction talking, what you are experiencing has nothing to do with your ex but with your inability to detach. It's not love, it's not missing her, it's not anything healthy. It's simple control, wanting to be with someone who is broken and who needs fixing.

 

You have to sort out your own issues.

 

Where the hell is the Love button, let alone the Like button! People like Emilia can sum up in 4 lines what it takes me 3 long posts todo.

 

You are probably going to break NC. You will playback conversations you had over and over again in youir mind. That blasted mirror you will read the note a thousand times. Eventually you will crack and break NC. If you think you are hurt now, her reaction to you (if any) will leave you in a FAR worse position. That 'control' that Emilia has just spoke about is completely gone and this will cause you to completely lose 'control' over yourself. When this happens go head towards that lovely place called rock bottom.

 

Detangled from these types of relationships are the hardest things to go through. The reason is obvious. You have never gotten the total idiolisation that you got from other (more emotionally rounded) girlfriends of the past. That was insane for me when you consider I couldn't even stand the face I saw in the mirror each morning. They have a certain vulnerability which charms you.

 

Sure you need to seriously look after your own issues but this is a way nicer project. being her knight in shining armour. The guy she has been waiting for. You are so entranced with this girl you are failing to notice she has met her knight in shining armour a few times, only for him to turn out to be the devil incarnate. She doesn't tell you about the guys good side, just that he was a total 'bas$%$^' to her. You automatically when to thump the guys skull in. Anything to make your princess feel safe.

 

The big problem here is these kind of girls have the emotional responses of children. I don't have kids but I have two nephews that I adore. When there are with me just follow me around like little lapdogs. That kind of love is awesome and that is the kind of love you get from them, except it's not healthy in an adult, Why? because like a child they can go from love to hate very fast and unlike a child when they get to the hate phase they ain't ever coming back from the 'hate' phase (until they become indifferent of course).

[Mack05]

It's insane to go from "I can't live with you" all the way to completely cutting your heart in two. It's the speed that leaves a non so confused. The girl who has abandonment issues so therefore won't abandon you, suddenly wants absolutely nothing to do with you! You have a mirror. I had a picture saying she would love me forever on the back. I had little notes I found a few months after our breakup saying the same thing. When you lose emotional control, you can't make head nor tail of this.

 

Their relationship patterns will forever be the same. They want this unrealistic/unattainable kind of love. For the start of a relationship they believe they are getting this kind of love. As long as the relationship goes at their pace and by their rules, then it can be amazing to be in their company. You think how can someone who has been what she has been through, someone who this beautiful, be so unselfish and so sweet. This period can last from months to years (depending if she is still getting everything she wants out of the relationship)

 

At some stage life will get in the way, there is no avoiding it. The status quo which makes them feel so comfortable will be broken. At some stage the wolf that is behind the sheeps clothing will reveal herself. It is a very traumatic experience for the non. Where the hell did my loving girlfriend go!? Once they split you into 'bad' you ain't ever coming back so confronting her about the mirror or anything else would be a total waste of time. It is like talking to a petulant child. Ever try have an adult conversation with a 6 year old? Don't..

 

She then goes off in her endless quest to find her knight in shining armour, sadly sometimes bringing kids into the dysfunctional mess that is her life.

 

What you didn't realise at the time is the whole relationship is about 'control'. Where all unhealthy relationships start. As long as you both feel you have it (you both need it for different reasons), then it is pretty much smooth sailing. As soon as the power struggle starts thats when the fireworks start. She has been manipulating you behind the scenes. She is playing a tune and she wants you to dance to it. Of course the BPDer (or whatever the hell it is they suffer from) is oblivious to her disorder/condition, dooming themselves to repeating the same patterns over and over again.

 

At some stage the non will notice the strange behaviours/reactions/lies etc etc. How long it takes the non to become aware to what is going on underneath the relationship surface, determines the length of the relationship (can be from months to years)..As soon as you start to seriously question her, she starts to disconnect..Pandora's box is not allowed to be opened..

 

Some guys can go years, great sex, getting idiolised thinking they won the lotto. They will simply ignore the red flags because before they met this woman they were sad and now they are happy. The relationship has no real foundation. It's built on a 'facade', neither is showing the other who they truly are. The fallout can be utterly devastating. I hope you now can see contacting her is pointless and will set you back severely?

 

Now that we know what her issues are, why the relationship worked out the way it did, why not tell us why you feel you fell for a girl like this? If you think there is nothing wrong on your side then you are as bad as she is and you are not being honest with yourself..

Edited June 13, 2013 by Mack05

[Emilia]

Where the hell is the Love button, let alone the Like button! People like Emilia can sum up in 4 lines what it takes me 3 long posts todo.

 

You are probably going to break NC. You will playback conversations you had over and over again in youir mind. That blasted mirror you will read the note a thousand times. Eventually you will crack and break NC. If you think you are hurt now, her reaction to you (if any) will leave you in a FAR worse position. That 'control' that Emilia has just spoke about is completely gone and this will cause you to completely lose 'control' over yourself. When this happens go head towards that lovely place called rock bottom.

 

Thanks Mack

 

When I read the Melodie Beattie book (Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring For Yourself) when it dawned on me how complicated this whole issue was. You get caught up in the emotions, the empathy especially - while in fact it's just an unhealthy, controlling attachment style. Absolutely nothing is noble about it whatsoever.

 

Sometimes you haver to hit rockbottom though I suppose

[jabbzy64]

I"m very aware of thr dysfunction of it all.... I know it was never love... just addiction.

 

Why did I get with a girl like that? Because I believe I have NPD and loved the idealization and so on... such a sexy girl was catering to my ego. I'm fully aware of how unhealthy the relationship was... but it is what it is and its the f I rst time I was with somebody like that.

 

I know I have my own issues... NO I will not be breaking NC!!!

 

I'm going to be seeing a therapist to dig into my own problems.

 

I never want to be in a relationship like that ever again.

 

I'd rather stay single.

 

[Mack05]

ahh NPC. I was the other type they fall for. Codependent.

 

My posts probably won't help you since I am coming from the codependent angle..

 

Here you go -> HAVEN'T WE MET BEFORE? The Borderline/Narcissist Couple

 

Now you have a choice. Obsess about her or work on you. This choice will determine what kind of future you have..

[Emilia]

I"m very aware of thr dysfunction of it all.... I know it was never love... just addiction.

 

Why did I get with a girl like that? Because I believe I have NPD and loved the idealization and so on... such a sexy girl was catering to my ego. I'm fully aware of how unhealthy the relationship was... but it is what it is and its the f I rst time I was with somebody like that.

You didn't give me the impression that you were a narcisist but obviously I'm no expert

I know I have my own issues... NO I will not be breaking NC!!!

 

I'm going to be seeing a therapist to dig into my own problems.

Good. Likely to be codependency but you'll find out.

I never want to be in a relationship like that ever again.

 

I'd rather stay single.

Exceptional. Some people are hooked for life. Well done and good luck!

[Mack05]

These articles are great too mate..Once you have a better understanding what is going on, the more you can learn and grow. Read Jada's message above I quoted. Stay clear of dating. I deliberately haven't dated in 18 months. I have turned down opportunities knowing my battle wasn't won. I took a lot of heart cause dating 21 year old girls is more fun then looking into one's tortured soul. I'm ready now..Take you time bro..Trust me on that..

 

Kudos on you for going to therapy..It will greatly help..

 

Borderline Personality, Codependency, and Love Addiction | Relationships

Codependency Is A Serious Problem For Relationships

5 Signs Your BPD Relationship Will Fail

[Mack05]

Wow that -> Codependency Is A Serious Problem For Relationships is one of the best articles I have ever read jabbz. It actually focuses on 'us' (and every man on this planet) and not 'them'. He states if a man has his ShE%^t together he can be in a healthy relationship with a BPDer..I don't agree, but will open my mind to the possibility..

 

"Once you are able to stop being a codependent, a BPD relationship won’t be that much different from a normal relationship.

 

Your BPD partner will consistently want you because you’ll be the ONLY person in their life that isn’t being driven crazy by their craziness. Do you understand how important that is for them? EVERY single partner they’ve ever had has let them down – usually by becoming crazy themselves! I’m sure you can relate to that as BPD’s tend to drive all of their partners crazy eventually…

Their parents have let them down.

Their friends have let them down.

Brothers and sisters have given up on them.

Are you starting to get it?

 

94% of the population (in my opinion) does NOT know how to handle their own emotions. It’s that rare 6% of the population that CAN handle their emotions and it’s these 6% that consistently have high quality relationships, lots of friends, and an overall amazing life style.

Why?

 

Because they have their **** together

 

I believe that having your **** together simply means you aren’t affected by others thoughts and opinions of you. You simply brush them off and keep moving on with your life. Haters gonna hate as they say. When it comes to a partner, you can’t let their negativity affect you."

 

Interesting new prespective for me to investigate..I think he is spot on with a lot of this, might buy the book..Although this might have been more useful two years ago :-)

Edited June 13, 2013 by Mack05

[jabbzy64]

In truth, the Narcissist is no match for the Borderline. It doesn't matter how smart or powerful he is, she'll turn his world upside-down to where he could lose his entire fortune, acquire a serious disease, and become a shadow of his former self. The Narcissist's grandiosity works against him in this type of coupling, because he has an unquenchableneed to*win, due to self-worth issues. He won't let himself be one-upped by anyone, but the Borderline is*always*better at this game than he is. As he cannot tolerate this loss ofcontrol, he'll literally fight*to the death*to maintain it--never realizing what he's losing/giving up, while highly focused on surmounting this challenge.

[jabbzy64]

I dont know about this girl though.... I hope she finds a healthy relationship at some point.

 

I wasn't strong enough to deal with all the craziness and drama.

 

I miss her... but the girl I miss is the girl from the honeymoon stage.

[Mack05]

You are not getting the message man. "The fact that a person is able to make you get on a message board and ask for advice means that you’re being affected by somebody else. The fact that you’re reading this article and seeking information means that you are in need of help – you are affected by your partner’s recent attitude and you want change"

 

It's great to know what is behind her behaviours BUT My overall message to you is about getting YOUR ***** together. Everything that guy said in the article I posted the link to above hit a nerve with me. Even now after all the personal hard work, I don't fully have the type of emotional control he refers to. Neither do you..

 

"Co-dependency = weakness, and no woman wants to be with a weak man, just like he states above"..

 

"Healthy relationships are Interdependent, meaning they depend on each other. Being Codependent is not necessarily a ‘disorder’ unless you’re depending on someone who is not dependable. In that case, you need to learn to handle disappointment and reevaluate who you trust, instead of trying to change people. It is a lot more practical to control yourself than to control other people. You can not change the BPD person, but you can control how you let them treat you. Sticking around to deal with them reinforces their believe that their behavior is acceptable. Do both yourselves a favor and tell them what is not acceptable, than do not accept anything less. LEAVE"

 

Yet here you are looking for more punishment....You need to focus on the future so that when the time comes to setting up boundaries in a new relationship you will have the skill and inner confidence to implement them and stand by them.

 

This is from a girl who dated a suspected BPDer..

 

"When we first met I had very strong boundaries set I was very independent and strong willed, I was willing to walk at the first sign of bs and I think he respected that. Unfortunately there was a shift ( I fell for him) and once the bad behavior started happening I tolerated it . More and more . The more I tolerated the less he respected me and the more I tried to gain his approval. Vicious cycle. No matter what the test I was determined to pass , to show I wouldn’t turn my back on him, to show how “strong” I was when in reality it was making me look like a doormat who had no self respect . Its such a vicious cycle and it’s really tiring and I don’t want to fall prey to it again. Right now I’m focused on myself and it feels good. I know my life will only get even better and i will be preventing myself from any more damaging situations"..

[Mack05]

Its a HUGE personal sacrifice to be in a long term relationship with one of these girls. That honeymoon phase wasn't real and you need to drill this into yourself.

 

"If you want to attract your Borderline lover and keep her in your life, you’re going to have to be the strongest rock that’s ever existed. The moment you get weak, emotional, or sad in front of them is when they’re going to treat you even worse. While these relationships may seem like a giant power struggle, they really aren’t when you realize that nothing your partner does will shake you off your rock"

 

I guess if you ever enter into a BPD relationship again you need to determine if this sacrifice (being strong nearly all the time) is worth it. I am ready for a relationship with a non BPD. BPD?? Nope not yet :-). Unless she admits to the problem. Otherwise its too much of a personal sacrifice..

Edited June 13, 2013 by Mack05

[Mack05]

Also decided to not use the BPD term again as I am not a professional. I like the extreme emotional instability reference..

[jabbzy64]

explains why she started treating me worse after I cried in front of her.

 

I'm not strong enough for a person like her.... not yet anyway.

 

even rocks crack....

[Mack05]

For me I know I am a strong man, despite mistakes of the past. I want to be strong for a woman that I feel deserves my love and strength (someone with good morals and a kind loving heart). I truly commend the men that are willing to make that kind of personal sacrifice for emotionally unstable women, I just can't see myself ever being one of them. Too much tight rope walking for me and not enough reward for the effort.

 

I'm looking for an emotionally healthy woman in a good place in her life. I want to be a different kind of 'rock' then the one my ex's are looking for.I guess it comes down to knowing what you want and sticking to it..

Edited June 13, 2013 by Mack05

[jabbzy64]

exactly... who wants to walk on egg shells (let alone land mines) for years on end.

 

She used to tell me I needed to be her rock... I think with those emotionally damaged people you gotta be a boulder.

 

I gotta improve my own life before I share it.

 

Thanks for your honesty and input