This is self torture

[Blind-sited]

Hi all I've been looking at these boards for some time now and here's my sorry story.

 

We met a few years ago in neighbourhood and hit it off nothing happened we were just attracted to each other long story short we started a physical and emotional affair over a year ago, I am not happy in my relationship, nothing bad just fallen out of love with him and I had done before I met MM. At the beginning we agreed it was just sex but I knew I would fall in love with him and secretly my plan was for him to fall in love with me he did. We have tried to split a few times as he is actually very happy with his family and wife and this is what gets to him, he takes emotional outbursts where he wants to end things because he can't look his family in the eyes and we try and finish things, I'm a horrible selfish greedy person though and just can't let him go, we split up 2 weeks ago but got back a few days later when I told him I couldn't face not seeing him again, I haven't ate since then and I know I'm becoming ill with stress and worry, I think I'm going insane, I cry most nights and have to pretend everything is ok when partner comes home from work, I take my kids out all day at the parks so I'm not going crazy in my home, I don't socialise with anyone anymore, I know it's wrong but I can't give him up, if he knew I was like this he would immediately cease things and tell me it isn't healthy, I know it's not healthy the whole thing is not healthy for either of us. He doesn't sleep because of worry about being caught, he loves me I know this but I know it's killing him deceiving everyone around him. Why don't I feel the same ? What is wrong with me ? Even as I write this I'm crying I can't sleep, eat or focus on anything. No IC for me it's impossible getting time to do it plus money is tight right now. When we are happy and we are fawning over each other I'm fine I'm more than fine I'm a different person I was great for 6 months before these last 2 weeks happened. I just don't get why I am like this with him, I'm actually a very good looking girl he is average and honestly the sex is not that great, he previously had impotency problems and hasn't had sex with his wife for 4 years (I don't dispute this) I know this is a jumbled mess of a thread. I have not had sex with my partner for months before affair started, my partner is not happy about it but it makes me feel sick at the thought of him touching me, he only tolerates this for the kids, I'm only with him for the kids if we never had any I would have left long ago, selfish I know

I am early 30's been in a long term relationship for over 10 years and have young children with partner (aged 3 and 4) MM is 50 been married for 30 years (been together 33 years) and have 3 kids (20, 18 & 12)

Edited June 12, 2013 by Blind-sited

[Ladydrib]

Hi all I've been looking at these boards for some time now and here's my sorry story.

 

We met a few years ago in neighbourhood and hit it off nothing happened we were just attracted to each other long story short we started a physical and emotional affair over a year ago, I am not happy in my relationship, nothing bad just fallen out of love with him and I had done before I met MM. At the beginning we agreed it was just sex but I knew I would fall in love with him and secretly my plan was for him to fall in love with me he did. We have tried to split a few times as he is actually very happy with his family and wife and this is what gets to him, he takes emotional outbursts where he wants to end things because he can't look his family in the eyes and we try and finish things, I'm a horrible selfish greedy person though and just can't let him go, we split up 2 weeks ago but got back a few days later when I told him I couldn't face not seeing him again, I haven't ate since then and I know I'm becoming ill with stress and worry, I think I'm going insane, I cry most nights and have to pretend everything is ok when partner comes home from work, I take my kids out all day at the parks so I'm not going crazy in my home, I don't socialise with anyone anymore, I know it's wrong but I can't give him up, if he knew I was like this he would immediately cease things and tell me it isn't healthy, I know it's not healthy the whole thing is not healthy for either of us. He doesn't sleep because of worry about being caught, he loves me I know this but I know it's killing him deceiving everyone around him. Why don't I feel the same ? What is wrong with me ? Even as I write this I'm crying I can't sleep, eat or focus on anything. No IC for me it's impossible getting time to do it plus money is tight right now. When we are happy and we are fawning over each other I'm fine I'm more than fine I'm a different person I was great for 6 months before these last 2 weeks happened. I just don't get why I am like this with him, I'm actually a very good looking girl he is average and honestly the sex is not that great, he previously had impotency problems and hasn't had sex with his wife for 4 years (I don't dispute this) I know this is a jumbled mess of a thread. I have not had sex with my partner for months before affair started, my partner is not happy about it but it makes me feel sick at the thought of him touching me, he only tolerates this for the kids, I'm only with him for the kids if we never had any I would have left long ago, selfish I know

I am early 30's been in a long term relationship for over 10 years and have young children with partner (aged 3 and 4) MM is 50 been married for 30 years (been together 33 years) and have 3 kids (20, 18 & 12)

 

First of all forget about your feelings for this older man. I am certain that they are very real but do you know what? Your feelings for him do not matter because he's married. He cannot/will not give you what you want/need/deserve/ache for. Having feelings for him is poisonous for you. Start seeing all the bad things. Make lists. Stop thinking of anything good. The good does not matter. Why? Because he's married.

 

Second thing, you've got yourself backed into a corner. If you truly have stayed with your spouse only because of kids, chances are that you are very deprived of something. This means that it will make it that much harder to stop having feelings for the old fella. You are just going to have to remember this part but part of the reason your feelings are so strong for the mm is because you have been starving for something that he brings you. It doesn't mean that he is important. It doesn't mean that he's your soulmate. It doesn't mean that you can't love someone else the same way. What it does mean is think about this. Think about being so thirsty and you have been in the heat for days with no water. Don't you think if you found a muddy puddle it would be the best water you ever tasted? Would the solution to your thirst be to stay at that puddle of water (as it gets muddier and less full of water)? Or would the solution be to figure out how to get out of the heat and where you can find a healthy supply of lasting quality water? Right now you are panicing over a puddle that you know is not going to produce. Stop panicing and find a way out. It will not happen quickly. It will not happen smoothly. It will not be painless and it will not be easy. But pick yourself up and start to pull it back together. Life is too short for this. And I'm sure you're already well aware of that. I know you know that he's a waste of time. You can get out and you cam find happiness. Without him. It will need to be without him if you seek to be happy.

[Blind-sited]

Thanks for replying

 

The craziest thing is I know all this, I know how unhealthy it is, it's like I'm possessed, when we split up for a few days I was getting chest pains and dizziness. I've been unhappy with my relationship for a number of years now and if it wasn't for my mm in my life I would be empty, I love him but I know I can't have him he's not mines this is torturing us both, he wants me because I'm young, beautiful, make him feel good and give him wild sex (which 50 year olf guy wouldnt) he also feels like he loves me and after almost 18 months I think he does , but it is torturing him, I see him one evening he's all happy to see me then the next I can see the strain. I wish I could let him go, it's really like I'm possessed. I don't hate his wife, yes I'm so green with envy sometimes I have literally been sick thinking about them. She's a nice woman, good wife and brilliant mother. I try to think of her position and what pain I am causing her but my mind will not accept it, I thi I about the consequences of being caught but again my mind won't accept it.

Edited June 12, 2013 by Blind-sited

[Artie Lang]

although staying for the kids is a factor, it shouldn't be the main reason. divorce your husband and stop living a lie. you are in a sham of a marriage.

 

does your family engage with this man's family? i ask because you stated he's form the "neighborhood." if this is so, i suggest you cease all contact with these people. this could have the potential to blow up in your face, leaving you to be a social pariah and your family ostracized within this community.

 

start acting like an adult, and not some love-struck adolescent..... you have kids to think about, for crying out loud.

[Blind-sited]

I know Artie and this is what makes me mad with myself, ive always been in control, confident and knew right from wrong but this has taken everything and left me a shadow of my former self i feel im going mad. I know deep down if I leave my partner I will get over mm pretty soon, but I have to keep the kids in a secure home with money coming in for them, they get everything at the moment and they love daddy I can't break their hearts this way, I know it will be ten times worse if this affair gets out. If it wasn't for my little ones I'd quite happily jump in front of a lorry, this black hole I am in seems to be getting deeper and deeper and I just can't escape it.

[Artie Lang]

I know deep down if I leave my partner I will get over mm pretty soon

 

this leads me to believe you're in this affair for the thrill of it, not because you've fallen head-over-heals for him.

 

 

classic exit-affair, if you ask me.

Edited June 12, 2013 by Artie Lang

[spice4life]

Ladygrey is completely right about wht the crux of your problem is. If you are looking "outside" for someone or something to fill the void your feeling then will always feel like you're being tortured. The answer is not "out there" it is sitting inside of you just waiting to be discovered. I know you probably will not hear what we are saying becaue you have to actually "see" what we are referring to - an ah ha moment if you will - before you can exit this sense of self torture.

 

Once you start looking "within" you will find yourself on a path that is a thousand times more exciting than what anyone on the outside can provide you. I'm not saying you don't need anyone else in your life; I'm saying the ones who do end up in your life will be there for the "right" reasons. All of the questions you have now will begin to be answered as well.

 

The fact that you are questioning your affair is good sign. Now all you have to do is start looking at yourself and continue asking questions.

[Blind-sited]

I have to end this, we have to stop this craziness, we cannot live like this. I just cant let go, im not stupid or niave so why do i behave like this child ? Seems so easy doesnt it, he's married he wont leave for me theres too much at risk for him for us both so just end things on good terms and walk on by. Would be easier if he was a liar and said bad things about his wife, he doesnt though he's actually a good guy who tested the waters when challenged and got himself in a deep hole also. Now I just wont let him go.

 

Yes I need work on myself to understand why I am behaving like this but im tired i havent got the energy i look after my kids and think about him, thats my pathetic life at 31. Went to put some jeans on i bought a few weeks ago and they fell off me weighed myself for the first time in over a year and have went from 165 pounds to just over 90 pounds, i didnt think i looked this thin. All because I cant let go of a man who is not available to me

[Blind-sited]

It is obsessive behaviour, I just can't seem to get out this black hole, my kids are not affected we are always out doing things together they are never neglected and honestly they are a great distraction at times from dwelling on him. My weight loss is becoming an issue my partner and mm are both concerned but I tell them it's all the keep fit classes which I currently do.

[Blind-sited]

Thank you LadyGrey

 

Yes I am in denial and I am trying to stop these obsessive thoughts for this man, I am not like this, never have been, is it just the nature of the beast so to speak (speaking about affairs) I just can't seem to move forward.

[HonestNeurotic]

I hear you saying "I want help". I dunno how I could - but I will say that acknowledging you have a problem - maybe not knowing or accepting specifically WHAT the problem is - is a good start.

 

I don't think you're really in love with MM. He just happened to be the one that entered your life at this time. He's a bandaid to your problem - which I'm not sure what that problem IS - but it's with your partner, and how you feel about yourself.

 

Look at this - this posting - putting down in words your thoughts - as success in moving forward. But you need more than that.

 

I get the money situation and obtaining counseling. But you've got a huge weight loss that isn't HEALTHY. Check out some low or no costs clinics. I've no books to suggest - not being familiar with what's really troubling you.

 

Don't be afraid of yourself - or admitting that this isn't working out for you - and realize that MM - is not going to solve your problem. It doesn't matter if you love him or he loves you - you are still going to have this way of looking at other things in your life.

 

I'm sorry you are hurting.

 

IMHO ~ as always

[TheOW]

You sound exactly like me

 

Advice: look your own children in the eyes literally just do it then you may realise the lie you are living! Stop your A and Split from your H, otherwise you will go crazy and crazy people do crazy things

[LilGirlandOW]

sound alot like me too, sorry you're going through this