AverageCat Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 So I am on a family trip for 2-3 weeks and talk to my gf daily. She insists that she really needs to keep in touch as much as possible. We talked a bit 2 days ago and I was not in a really good mood and I was possibly picking on things a little bit. Yesterday I had no time to talk to her until late in the evening. She went ape **** on why I didn't contact her, when I know it's important for her. I honestly dont know what to do. I love this girl and I like to reassure her when she gets insecure (I find that feminine), but I really don't think she has a reason to be mad here... Looking for a 3rd person's perspective.
Aicha Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 So I am on a family trip for 2-3 weeks and talk to my gf daily. She insists that she really needs to keep in touch as much as possible. We talked a bit 2 days ago and I was not in a really good mood and I was possibly picking on things a little bit. Yesterday I had no time to talk to her until late in the evening. She went ape **** on why I didn't contact her, when I know it's important for her. I honestly dont know what to do. I love this girl and I like to reassure her when she gets insecure (I find that feminine), but I really don't think she has a reason to be mad here... Looking for a 3rd person's perspective. if she knows u were really genuinely busy and she still got angry with u then i think she is abit over the top and wants everything perfect and her way.
Floridita Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 She sounds majorly clingy. She can't expect you to be at her beck and call 24/7. Time for her to build a bridge and get over it. 3
Balzac Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 It's really a question of how much love do you need to feel to motivate you to dance on the head of a pin? 1
jphcbpa Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 did you guys agree upon a talk "plan" prior to leaving? are anyones expectations not being met around this?
RogerWallace111 Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 (edited) Yes, she was over-reacting. The options are: 1. Leave her because you can't handle that level of girlfriend pressure or, if you love her to the point that that's out of the question... 2. Do your best (within reason) to cater to her wishes, and when things like this happen, don't let it get to you. Stay calm, like you've done nothing wrong (because you haven't), and reassure her however you need to. 3. Tell her you think what you're doing is reasonable and that she needs to ease up. Interspersed with assurance that you love her and will be there for, or else she'll turn it into a big crisis thinking you're giving her an ultimatum/threatening her. These type of talks tend to help the situation for at least a while, though her insecurity is probably ingrained to the point it won't just vanish no matter what you say. I'm with you on a certain level of neediness feeling good, it does seem "feminine". It's such a f*cking thin line... Where to find a girl you "needs" you emotionally, but is easy-going enough to not pull sh*t like this... Edited June 12, 2013 by RogerWallace111 2
Author AverageCat Posted June 12, 2013 Author Posted June 12, 2013 The last reply is so to the point. I really love this girl. She's told me over and over that the main problems with her previous Rs were this no-contact and that she needs it, otherwise she might fall out. We've discussed this a few times. I've told her that she can contact me whenever she wants. She just wants affection, and I absolutely love giving it to her but at certain times need some time to myself, since I feel the showing of affection is very one-sided. And when I tell her that I don't see the big deal and that she needs to ease up, she says that I don't understand her. I'm really trying to meet her halfway here. But I really feel like this things are affecting the R for bad and if they keep going on, it's just not gonna work... one of us will eventually "have enough of it". 1
jphcbpa Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 this is very workable. keep communicating what you need and asking what she needs. meet in the middle, be flexible. 1
Cutiepie1976 Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 How long have you been dating? Were you friends first? Total strangers? She just wants affection, and I absolutely love giving it to her but at certain times need some time to myself, since I feel the showing of affection is very one-sided. And when I tell her that I don't see the big deal and that she needs to ease up, she says that I don't understand her. I'm really trying to meet her halfway here. But I really feel like this things are affecting the R for bad and if they keep going on, it's just not gonna work... one of us will eventually "have enough of it". Have you communicated how you feel or your frustration? Relationships are about compromise. While I understand where she's coming from and empathize even, your standard pattern is communicating daily. You're on vacation and outside your usual routine, hence the temporary change. Flexibility, understanding, and compromise are crucial in any relationship. Reassure her, but make it clear that you also need some understanding. It's not a one-way street. On the bright side, she definitely cares about you and is invested in the relationship. That's why she's making such a big deal and needs constant reassurance when she doesn't sense your interest or feels it might be flagging. 2
dasein Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 If you don't mind it, try to give her the contact she asks for. But when they start pitching attitude, pouting, acting out because you were a bit late complying with their regimented contact expectations? Tell them calmly without any anger at all that disrespect of that kind doesn't fly with you and not to do it again. If they do it again, move on, because it will get worse and worse over time. Women who are really in love with you, respect you, and value you don't pick ridiculous fights, stir up drama or nag you over trivial things, life gives enough real things to stress over and the ones who are constantly nitpicking and stirring drama will fold and be a complete burden when life gives real issues.
SJC2008 Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 How has she presented her "case" to you? Is she being reasonable and saying I need xyz amount of contact? Or is she acting like a victim and that she's being wronged? Her presentation will tell you what kind of woman she is.
serial muse Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 So I am on a family trip for 2-3 weeks and talk to my gf daily. She insists that she really needs to keep in touch as much as possible. We talked a bit 2 days ago and I was not in a really good mood and I was possibly picking on things a little bit. Yesterday I had no time to talk to her until late in the evening. She went ape **** on why I didn't contact her, when I know it's important for her. I honestly dont know what to do. I love this girl and I like to reassure her when she gets insecure (I find that feminine), but I really don't think she has a reason to be mad here... Looking for a 3rd person's perspective. Every day while on vacation? Wow. Well, I don't think she has a reason to be mad either...especially considering that you did call. I think it's a bit worrisome that there seems to be no leeway there; life happens and you don't want to have a fight every time things are slightly out of the norm. How long have you guys been dating? You said you're trying to meet her halfway, but it's not clear how she's trying to accommodate you on this.
Author AverageCat Posted June 12, 2013 Author Posted June 12, 2013 How long have you been dating? Were you friends first? Total strangers? Have you communicated how you feel or your frustration? Relationships are about compromise. While I understand where she's coming from and empathize even, your standard pattern is communicating daily. You're on vacation and outside your usual routine, hence the temporary change. Flexibility, understanding, and compromise are crucial in any relationship. Reassure her, but make it clear that you also need some understanding. It's not a one-way street. On the bright side, she definitely cares about you and is invested in the relationship. That's why she's making such a big deal and needs constant reassurance when she doesn't sense your interest or feels it might be flagging. 8 years Acquaintances - 1.5 year Friends - 1 year FWBs - 3 month Relationship. We've talked about no-contact before. I've told her that she needs to come half way. If she always expects me to contact her and do things for her this is not gonna last, as it is gonna become onesided and either I'm going to get frustrated or she will fall out. When we talked 2 days ago we were talking about the past when we were FWBs and I told her how I didn't like her attention seeking behavior from a lot of guys at the time. Also reminding me of some instances when I felt jealous I felt a bit bad, so I wasn't 100% positive on the convo. It was also very late at night, so I wasn't in the best of moods. Next day we don't talk or text til 10ish and she seems really sad. I ask her what's up, she goes ape **** about how I was still upset over the convo we had the day before and that's why I didn't talk to her all day. I didn't have much time, so I just basically told her that I didn't see the big deal and I wasn't pissed off at anything. Today she seemed cold. I tried to lift her mood up. But I really hate when she complains and/or gets cold. I feel like I'm just doing so much for this relationship (time, planning for things, sweeping her off her feet constantly, taking her to fun places) and I don't feel appreciated...
SJC2008 Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 8 years Acquaintances - 1.5 year Friends - 1 year FWBs - 3 month Relationship. We've talked about no-contact before. I've told her that she needs to come half way. If she always expects me to contact her and do things for her this is not gonna last, as it is gonna become onesided and either I'm going to get frustrated or she will fall out. When we talked 2 days ago we were talking about the past when we were FWBs and I told her how I didn't like her attention seeking behavior from a lot of guys at the time. Also reminding me of some instances when I felt jealous I felt a bit bad, so I wasn't 100% positive on the convo. It was also very late at night, so I wasn't in the best of moods. Next day we don't talk or text til 10ish and she seems really sad. I ask her what's up, she goes ape **** about how I was still upset over the convo we had the day before and that's why I didn't talk to her all day. I didn't have much time, so I just basically told her that I didn't see the big deal and I wasn't pissed off at anything. Today she seemed cold. I tried to lift her mood up. But I really hate when she complains and/or gets cold. I feel like I'm just doing so much for this relationship (time, planning for things, sweeping her off her feet constantly, taking her to fun places) and I don't feel appreciated... I'm going to play armchair psychyastrist and say given the dynamic of the relationship that she needs the drama and emotional unaviailability, she wants to fight for you. If you get closer to her a milisecond beofe she does she'll pull away.
Author AverageCat Posted June 12, 2013 Author Posted June 12, 2013 How has she presented her "case" to you? Is she being reasonable and saying I need xyz amount of contact? Or is she acting like a victim and that she's being wronged? Her presentation will tell you what kind of woman she is. Yes, she usually presents it in a constructive way, but at times - like today - she just feels like she isn't being understood and tries to keep it in and fight fire with fire. (i.e. well if you don't wanna contact, then I won't either and I'll try to play it cool and give you more space than you asked for)... And I don't think I like that game... or any game 1
candie13 Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 IMHO, I believe it has a lot to do with the type of frequency you two got used to having. My ex bf and I would also hear from each other daily, but that would be mainly IM, like a line or two at least, or occasionally more. If you got used to talking everyday, I see her being annoyed with your breaking the routine... It also depends on her fear of abandonment, if she's more insecure - or if she has reasons to feel insecure, because of you. It's an extra sensitive topic, because no woman that she's got her bf's attention only when she's physically there / and he can get sex, but also when she's away... I believe that while she was a bit off to make such a big deal out of it, you could have sent her a line, to say "sorry, I'm beat" or "parents' overdose, ****ty, talk to you tomorrow, sweetheart"... you know... or, if you feel that your arrangement is too tight / tough, kill this rule and... I dunno, talk about this, come to an arrangement. I believe all men here will tell you she's a nutcase, where as she may only be oversensitive... I think when there's an itchy point, men will act as it there's no problem / deny any wrong doing / which may make women blow the thing out of proportions, because they feel they're taken for a ride and therefore get mad. It's not about the contact, here, it's about you managing a slight slip from your side. So, rather than attacking - saying she's unreasonable to ask for daily contact - emphasize with her, acknowledge her right to be a bit disappointed, but be reasonable and not let her blow it into a big deal. This will happen ONLY if you go straight into denial. Be fair, be open and just talk to her. While to you, this may be a whim, daily contact may be important to her... maybe she just needs more reassurance. You will need to find a smart way of handling her expectations, when, for various reasons, you cannot give her that reassurance, yet not alienate her and let her feeling disappointed. Tell her exactly what you told us, you were busy, you were tired, you were a bit down and didn't feel like talking to anyone. It doesn't mean you care any less for her, it only means you need some more private space, from time to time. It'll be up to you to smartly convey your message and convince her... cheers, mate 1
candie13 Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 Yes, she usually presents it in a constructive way, but at times - like today - she just feels like she isn't being understood and tries to keep it in and fight fire with fire. (i.e. well if you don't wanna contact, then I won't either and I'll try to play it cool and give you more space than you asked for)... And I don't think I like that game... or any game she acts this way because you did not acknowledge her need for emotional closeness, because you immediately went into defense and attack, and then when she put her armor on, you became extra sweet. I very much appreciate your hate of games and I believe you are very much right to. Be very honest to her and reassure her. She got defensive because she thought your lack of contact meant she wasn't important anymore. On the long term, you two will need to have an open discussion and understand why she feels so insecure about you. Maybe it's the FWB thing. Be warm and create a space for her to open up. I've honestly yet to see a man not afraid of intimacy, so I may be beating a dead horse here , but that's what ideally you should do. 2
SJC2008 Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 (edited) she acts this way because you did not acknowledge her need for emotional closeness, because you immediately went into defense and attack, and then when she put her armor on, you became extra sweet. I very much appreciate your hate of games and I believe you are very much right to. Be very honest to her and reassure her. She got defensive because she thought your lack of contact meant she wasn't important anymore. On the long term, you two will need to have an open discussion and understand why she feels so insecure about you. Maybe it's the FWB thing. Be warm and create a space for her to open up. I've honestly yet to see a man not afraid of intimacy, so I may be beating a dead horse here , but that's what ideally you should do. I disagree with you. Just becuase he went out of town doesn't mean he has to cater to her every day. He's made an attempt already but it hasn't fallen in line with what SHE wants. It's not about him it's about her. Remember, he didn't get an earfull for not contacting her he got an earfull for contacting her too late. Edited June 12, 2013 by SJC2008 1
Cutiepie1976 Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 I think Candie13 is spot on. I've never been an FWB, so I may be way off base here. Perhaps part of the issue is a fear that she is still just an FWB in your mind despite the fact that things have now progressed to a relationship. She's clearly very invested in the relationship. Her behavior, to me at least, seems to say she isn't sure if you are. Acknowledging her feelings and reassuring her that you truly care about her, then explaining why you can't be as communicative as she would like while on this trip, would be the most productive approach IMO. 1
Author AverageCat Posted June 12, 2013 Author Posted June 12, 2013 I agree with both points to some extent. Candie13 by acknowledging her disappointment I feel like I'll make matters worse, because then next time she will cry even more, because now we "both" admitted that I was wrong and she has THE RIGHT to cry. It's true I could have sent a line... but so could have she... We BOTH did not contact each other for this amount of time. Why am I not complaining about it? You see this is what bothers me. It seems as if it's her RIGHT and my DUTY to take care of her needs. I just would want for her to see that being with each other is a PRIVILEGE. Me doing things for her (which includes reassuring her and all other stuff pointed above), is a privilege. The moment these aren't met and she starts crying I feel like she is EXPECTING them, and that's not good I think, because when you start expecting things you don't value them and you can only get negative emotions when the expectations aren't met. Her insecurities mainly stem from being cheated on a few times in the past. EDIT: Cutiepie I don't even know if she's so invested. Expecting a lot means investment??? All it means to me is she wants a lot, but investment is about what you give no?
Cutiepie1976 Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 Hmmm. My boyfriend doesn't view contacting me as some privilege he bestows on me and for which I should be grateful. He just enjoys speaking with me We both enjoy the regular connection. Nor do either of us view it as his duty. We both look forward to it. Not the healthiest of attitudes involved here...yours or hers...unfortunately. Neither is the budding mental checklist about who did what last. Neither of you wants to give the other a break, so to speak. That doesn't bode well I'm sorry to say. 1
candie13 Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 how about cutting her some slack, here, AC ? I think, quite the contrary, instead of being afraid that she might cry harder next time, she'll actually feel empowered and will trust you more, because you've TALKED to her about something you don't feel that great about - your having an off day. Women are understanding and are reasonable, as long as they don't feel taken for a ride. The issue here is she's very sensitive about your offering her attention, while you have trust issues. That is a potentially dangerous situation. You'll never be happy unless you learn to trust people and their reactions. And if you cannot do that, then test them. Ok, so you've defended your territory, she closed off, so what's the solution here? You expect her to back off? Apologize for your not contacting her as often as you used to? Not gonna happen. The worse thing you can do is to jump into a war of egos. This is not a contest. It's not about duties or requirements or privileges. You contact her because you care. Because you know it's important for her, even if it's not for you. Acknowledging her needs is part of that process. Listen, it's a stupid fight. Learn to look beyond it. She overreacted because of your not contacting her. Why do you think that happened? Because she likes to act like a spoiled brat and look bad to you? I don't think so!!! She's done it because she cares a LOT about you. Yeah, her past may be also a factor in explaining her reaction, but she didn't tell you "you were busy flirting with other women, that's why you didn't call", did she? She was upset because she didn't hear from you... Big difference. Anyway, you can get all upset here, but you can use a great chance and learn from here and stay ahead of your game. Your gf is emotionally involved. Give her the benefit of the doubt, instead of assuming she will use this against you... If my bf did a stupid thing, didn't admit it, but acted all nice and wonderful for me to get over it, I'd be pissed as hell too, irrelevant of what he did and how small and unimportant that was. My point is - you-re not the only one who's slipped here. Yes, you changed something in your dynamic. That is a fact and you are acknowledging her being distraught. But it is not the end of the world. you did contact her the next day and she did over react. Not how mature people handle it. If you tell her you understand why she was upset with your change in frequency of contact, I bet she'll admit to overstepping the line in her reactions... Empathy, that's what makes relationship smooth and eases fights. Playing fair. Acknowledging that your partner had reason to feel anxious or get upset, but fighting your battle too, your need for space, for privacy... and her need to trust you enough to not jump the guns when anything in your routine changes... anyway, your choice, it seems to be like your two are reaching a bit of a dead end, because she feels she cannot trust you and you certainly don't trust her. Very hard to build something lasting this way. Take a leap of faith, I am convinced it'll be worth it. And if she's not worth it, it'll be her fault for not being worthy, not your issue for having faith in her. You cannot build a relationship by continuously doubting your partner. It'll never work that way, it just cannot work. 2
candie13 Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 He's made an attempt already but it hasn't fallen in line with what SHE wants. It's not about him it's about her. Not really, it-s what he used to do before, everyday, it-s not that she wants. He wanted it too, ideally he was taking pleasure in talking to her too, not making a sacrifice, no? Remember, he didn't get an earfull for not contacting her he got an earfull for contacting her too late Lol, if he didn't contact her at all, that meant the relationship's over or about to die. I would never give a guy an earful for not contacting me. If that's the case, I am long gone, because actions speak louder that words. I can pick up a sign, when I see one.
Author AverageCat Posted June 12, 2013 Author Posted June 12, 2013 Again I butted heads with her just for a bit that same day. Today I was supportive and positive mainly. She started to laugh and I told her I'll spank her for being a brat when I get back , she said only after she spanks me to take her rage out. I believe in so many things you say candie13. I especially like the last few lines. Where do you see that I don't trust her?.. I honestly don't that much, but she's given me reason to (I found a few white lies a few times). I've been trying to not be judgmental over it but obviously it affects my trust
SJC2008 Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 Lol, if he didn't contact her at all, that meant the relationship's over or about to die. I would never give a guy an earful for not contacting me. If that's the case, I am long gone, because actions speak louder that words. I can pick up a sign, when I see one. I don't see how you're correlating with me saying he didn't contact her early enough to if he didn't contact her at all the relationship is over... She said she needs contact and he gave it to her. NOW she needs contact earlier in the day and he got an earfull. My POV is that if it's not within her window she gets bent out of shape. OP if I could backtrack here for a bit. What is yalls phone and in person contact frequency when you're in town??
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