Love my wife, want a divorce

[flotsam]

I'm not really sure the purpose of this thread other than to put this out in to the universe. Apologies in advance, this will be a wall of text.

 

I have been unhappy for years, and a few months ago I finally uttered the words out loud to a close friend: "I want a divorce". It was the first time I had said it to anyone, and those words gave the thoughts momentum.

 

What used to be a niggling malaise which I processed with thoughts of "making it work" or "waiting for better days" has turned in to an unshakable certainty that life is short, I'm unhappy, and there is an end to this relationship.

 

I guess what I'd like to do with this post is just unload all my reasons, especially the ones that make me feel like a terrible person, in hopes that I'll gain some perspective.

 

Some background- I'm 33, she's 40, we've lived together for 13 years... been married half that time. No children.

 

Okay, so here we go. I'll start with the big one. Since I'm writing a book here, I'll put things in chapters. You'll get the gist with the first sentence, move ahead if it's too long!

 

Chapter 1

 

I'm in a sexless marriage. This has persisted through almost the whole relationship, which of course is stupid on my part, because we were having very little sex leading up to my proposal! I knew what I was getting in to, but didn't really think it through. There are a lot of reasons why we don't have sex, all of them psychological, with blame on both sides. I'll say it like this, I take full responsibility for this mess. She still very much wants to be intimate, and we have tried many times. When we get past foreplay it all goes down hill (which means repeated tries at foreplay over time begin to fill more like a chore). I'll have issues "keeping it up", and after a particular period of trying and failing (even when I was able to maintain erection), she was diagnosed with vaginismus.

 

I understand from research, and knowledge of her mental issues (she was on antidepressants when I met her, only went off them in the past 5 years or so), that vaginismus could be overcome with some TLC, and may stim from her feeling that I don't find her attractive. Which brings me to a related point.

 

I don't really find her attractive. When we first met I certainly did. It was 2001, she was a 27 year old with a "real womans" body. By that, I mean not skinny, not fat. Nice big butt, nice everything! I was 20 and stupid, we had great sex! I lived out of town (was in the military) and we maintained a long distance relationship for a year, before I got out of the service and moved in with her. This is when sex started to become an issue. Over that year she had come from average, to obese. At 5'5" she probably weighed 150-160 pounds when we met, but when I returned she was at least 200. At her max weight, she was around 270. Our sex life was never the same.

 

I flat out told her I would like her to lose weight. It was a sensitive issue, she got very mad. The weight stayed on. Skip ahead to 2 years ago, we were on a vacation overseas. We were seeing sites and suddenly she just couldn't go any further. We were at a world wonder and on a schedule, but she had to turn around right away and go back to the car to sit and rest. I was concerned for her and went with her. I supressed my bitterness that I had just missed a once in a lifetime experience. Later that day, I we had a serious talk. I told her I want to do more of these types of trips, and I need her to be able to do them with me! She was devistated at my implication and ultimatum. However, positive results! We now skip 2 years to the present day. She has lost a lot of weight! She's down to a size 16 and I'm very proud of her. But the issue still stands, I'm not attracted. We aren't having sex.

 

Chapter 2

 

Contribution to the home and income: We both started out with your average 40-50k office jobs. We both hated them. From the get go, I said: You hate this job, find something you want to do. So she quit and picked up some freelance work and seasonal work. Her salary went down to around 20k. This was fine though, because my salary went up to 120k! Over time, she took on less work, and as the economy tanked, so did her ability to get freelance work all together, instead she just did seasonal work, until that ran out last summer. Now she picks up freelance work here or there, but yearly it probably totals less than 7k. She also got her master degree in that time, which was not cheap.

 

This December, I was laid off. Thankfully we were fairly prepared. We have savings, and we're living off of that, and off of my unemployment. We are also going through a shortsale of our home, which is adding financial stress.

 

So I've started my own business with a partner, and it's starting off real slow. We might not make any real money for years, yet she's pressuring me to get some income! Meanwhile, she's jobless and looking, but only looking for things she wants to do. I tell her this is the time for her to get ANY job, not her dream job, but she still puts it on me to keep us afloat. I find this extremely unfair, especially when I have taken on that burden this whole time, and now that I want to make my own way, she won't make sacrifices. This was the kicker for me. I look past everything else in my marriage because above all, the most valuable thing is that you have someone that will be there for you forever. A partner. But it seems like that was only ever a one way street.

 

Chapter 3

 

I still love her. We kiss (pecks), we hug, we hold hands, we enjoy our time together. She's my best friend. On the one hand, I can't even imagine a life without her (co-dependence much!?), but for the first time, I also can't imagine a future with her. I know we will never be intimate in the ways I want to be intimate, and my wandering eyes are starting to wander REAL HARD. What have I got keeping me in this marriage? There's nothing physical, and now I know there's nothing practical. The only thing left is emotional.

 

So in conclusion...

 

We've been together for so long I'm in no great rush. I want to wait for the shortsale to go through. I want to wait until we are both (or at least once of us) able to support ourselves, and then it's time to do it. I feel lost, hopeless, guilty, depressed, anxious, and confused.

 

Thanks for listening.

Edited June 12, 2013 by flotsam

[TaraMaiden]

I think you should seek independent counselling, for yourself, to try to nat some ideas around.

You're in limbo.

You love her, but 'not in that way'.

 

You're being unfair to both of you if you stick with it any longer, because you don't strike me as the kind to cheat, and at the same time, you respect her enough to discuss things with her - so that wouldn't be an option anyway....

 

Prolonging the agony until things are stable is unrealistic.

First of all, you have no idea when that will be, if at all.

Secondly, by staying and supporting her, you're enabling her dependency on you.

 

Go to IC, but to be honest - Hmmm....it sounds as if this needs dealing with sooner rather than later.

[flotsam]

Thank you Tara for your response. I appreciate your viewpoint.

 

Independent Counselling is difficult for me to do, because I don't have any way to pay for it. Even if I did have money to spend, every expense or cash withdrawal is poured over by my wife (and I pay close attention to the financials too, we're on a budget). I could do couples counseling, but I don't think she will go along with it. I suggested counselling for our sex issue many years ago to no avail.

 

Of course I can state my feelings to her and simply go myself, but at that point I suppose it's just time to start the divorce proceedings.

 

I want to wait until the shortsale is over so that it actually WILL be over. I have no way to predict how she responds to a divorce, but I have a fear that she will impede getting rid of the house. As it stands, we have a buyer, the bank has approved it, and the process will end no later than the first weekend in july. This house has been a burden for both of us for many years, my layoff gave us the hardship we needed to make it happen.

 

You're right though, of course, putting it off until one or both of us can support each other is not fair.

[TaraMaiden]

Many my disagree with me, but maybe other ladies will speak up and agree. i don't know.

 

I simply know that once feelings have died, two things:

One, there is very little point in my view in trying to resuscitate them. if they're truly dead, nothing on earth, no amount of talking, counselling or effort of any kind will get them up and walking again.

That's one "Lazarus" even Christ couldn't help.

 

Two: it's important to be honest and know when to quit and leave. if someone truly knows nothings shifting, they should admit it.

If you're unhappy, go. if you're not into this - go. if you want out - say so - and go.

 

(The 'you' here is intended to be generic, not specific.)

 

I'm of the rather cut-and-dried opinion that if one of you is unhappy, then cut all the crap.

Reversal of emotions is virtually impossible.

Dormant, yes, it's possible.

Dead? No.

 

Go.

[Enema]

Similar story here except for the finances, we both maintained equality there.

 

I can't tell you what to do; all I can say is I got the divorce, it all went smoothly and I've never been happier.

 

I'm not sure where you live, hopefully you don't have to pay alimony. Allowing her to stop working may bite you.

[Mack05]

For me it was the stage of life you met. At 20 many guys are in college, going out getting drunk with friends, meeting girls, hooking up with girls, travelling. 'They' say College/Travelling are the best days of your life and for those reasons above, I agree with that statement. Besides exam pressure which was a week every semister, life was carefree and you have little or no responsibility. Now the sex if I remember wasn't mind blowing at 20 (at least for me) cause you are both still learning and it's all quiet new but that is neither here nor there.

 

You never had that experience. That carefree life. Ok the sex was great with a more experienced woman, but you missed out on sooooooooooooooo much and I believe here lies the problem. You are far too young to have firstly met the girl you married and you are far to young to lead a life like this. Can you really spend the rest of your life in a sexless, unpassionate relationship? Right now you two are just friends..That's cool at 60 such is life, but 30?

 

You are 33 and feel this way now can you imagine what you will feel like at 50, 60!? I think by staying you will end up more bitter, more resentful and your poor wife will get the blame. It's not her fault. This is a decision you made. Ok at 20 its cool to be with an older woman, but when the fantasy fades this is what you are left with it..

 

Women hate when I say this, but in general (not always but in general) men age better then women. You really start to notice this in your 30's. I get a lot of interest in my local town from single women my own age, but I'm just not attracted to them as they look far older than me. Harsh? Absolutely!! but you can't help who you are physically attracted to and you shouldn't be shot down for having this opinion. I am a huge believer that Love is more then skin deep, but I also believe attraction is important in any relationship from the start, middle and the end.

 

I believe both parties have a responsibility to be happy within themselves, to stay in shape so that the spark is kept alive throughout an entire marriage/relationship. As a guy who has in the past gained weight I know how tough it is to maintain it, but it has to be done.

 

Maybe couselling might help, maybe not but if it were me (and I stress me). I would get a divorce. I would make sure she is in a good postion financially before I left. I couldn't leave someone high and dry like that and I hope you wouldn't either. I would quit the new business and I would try get a regular income and for one year/18 months. I would work hard, exercise hard and save as much money as I can. I would then move somewhere FAR away from your home and start experiencing new cultures, new experiences before it is too late..I know money and finances are important, but we got one shot at life. We don't get a do-over..Give me great life experiences over loads of money in the bank anyday. Afterall tomorrow is not guarenteed..

Edited July 24, 2013 by Mack05

[It-is-what-it-is.]

I agree that if its over and you are sure* then end it. And don't wait until you cross the line and do something terrible.

 

One thought...while waiting seems like a stand up thing. I don't think it is. How much worse is it if someone says, I decided to divorce you, (but I have been faking it for 6 months to get my ducks in order.) everything you say after you realize there is no hope is a lie. Just my thoughts since you say she is your best friend.

 

There are tons of free or low cost counseling options and I would not hide it, in fact I would admit that you are unhappy and working with a counselor to work through your feelings.

 

Think about it, She is 40, maybe she's as unhappy as you...

 

She needs to look for a job that can support herself. Even if you cover SS for a bit, she needs some earning history. If she knew she would need to support herself she would make different decisions.

 

She needs to find a place to live that she can afford.

 

I am NOT excusing her spoiled behavior, and I am not doubting or questioning your reasons. But...with all the financial and job change pressures that you have been under, many many marriages have trouble coping. When you are angry at someone they are much less attractive. Make sure you are sure it's not a resolvable issue...and if it isn't possible. Then tell her, work through the sale of the house and plan for your separate futures.

 

My thoughts. Good luck.