Elfie Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 I didn't have a very nice MM, and I chose to end it, though it took several months back and forth, up and down blah blah blah, but now I have to see him every day, neighbours chatting to him, laughing, joking, talking often to the single mum he said he "prefers to avoid" and genrally being mr nice guy to the entire effing community. And no doubt telling his W it was me chasing him when she looked up at my home after he told me he ws in toruble for looking up at me and she'd asked why, when she saw him. In the meantime, I've become reclusive in my shame, he hasn't, I'm avoiding being out or going to my bin even, unless he's at work, though I had to go out today for an appointment, I managed to get away while he was indoors. I stay away from home as long as possible and I'm struggling with anger towards myself, but alot towards him. I wouldn't tell the BS, but I wish wish wish she knew he wasn't so perfect. Both Monday and yesterday, he leaves for work, I hide behind my curtain to watch to see if he looks up - I need to see that he doesn't look up, then I have peace of mind and will know he's accepted it's over - but, he stays looking at his own windows (something he has only started doing since W asked him why he looks up), but as soon as he's out of sight of W, he looks straight up at me, looking looking, trying to spot me! Today I get home, his van is there, but he must be inside, phew, I'm getting my things out of my car, keep my head down, even park differently so he can't see me so well if he comes out - and he comes out, revving his engin, leaving really slowly. I keep my head down and ignore him, I even close my curtains and he's still revving goddammit, but I get angry later when he gets home and chatting to the single mum, neighbours, wife etc. Why can't I switch off, from my own guilt and from anger at him, why can't I not care, why should it bother me that the W doesn't know (though maybe she does, given his past history, which he was choosy about sharing details of with me). Advice/help? Thanks
Author Elfie Posted June 13, 2013 Author Posted June 13, 2013 I think that in your situation especially, because I think your MM is potentially dangerous, that telling his wife is a very bad idea. Unless you can be far away from him permanent, which it does not sound like you can, doing anything to upset him frightens me for you. What can you do for you to help you feel better? Is there something you can do personally that doesn't involve sharing this information with her that will help you to feel better about who you are? What small steps can you take to reclaim your home? I wish I knew the answer LFH Yesterday they suddenly got new blinds - maybe just a coincidence - but I'm paranoid that because his W asked why he looks up at my window, that's he's starting to cover himself by telling W it's me chasing him - kind of damage limitation too, now he knows I'm off limits, he's setting the course incase I turn bunny boiler. (His previous AP he said "turned into a witch"). I won't tell his W, because I want to move on, it just makes me angry that I was targeted, I fell for it and yet another one gets away with it. I don't want her to feel the pain of being a betrayed BS, but I wish she could know what she's married to........I guess it's just misplaced anger at MM, because it's looking likely that I'll be one she thinks is doing the running for her husband. I've seen it a lot on here, the BS blames the OW, but what defence do we have - an affair is an affair, and the fall out even without a D Day is emotionally shattering.
anne1707 Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 Elfie Apologies because I am sure this has been talked about before but I cannot remember the details. What about you moving away? How realistic and do-able is tha?
Author Elfie Posted June 13, 2013 Author Posted June 13, 2013 Elfie Apologies because I am sure this has been talked about before but I cannot remember the details. What about you moving away? How realistic and do-able is tha? In the long term it could be possible, i am attached to it, but my type of home isn't usually on the popular lists and would only be possible if someone wants mine against the other types. Mine is lovely and has alot of pluses, but apartments aren't as popular. Hopefully....short term solution, I keep coming here and gaining strength generally. I could also read the posts where ex OM's look back and wonder what the devil they saw in there MM and look forward to reaching that stage - I'm guessing I'm going through the process of leaving and improving my life, so this is just the next stage ((Thank you)) for the hugs - they reached the spot x
anne1707 Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 I was hoping you were renting but it sounds like you own your place. That is frustrating. I know it is hard but in time, indifference will come and you will feel so d*mn good then.
Author Elfie Posted June 14, 2013 Author Posted June 14, 2013 It is rented, but yesterday proved I need something more immediate - he got to me outside, I've been really low last few days trying to get head around what he may or may not have said to his W. He told me his W is due to have an operation on her back in 3 to 6 months, could leave her paralysed or infirm, I felt immediately guilty and sorry for him. He then said he missed me, and he would have stuck up for me about the looking up (though easy to say). His step kids are going through a marriage crisis with their 4 kids and he got home to find his W had ordered and got fitted all new blinds for their home without asking what ones he wanted, and told me about a job he's got which made him feel good (low self esteem or manipulation?) - I didn't know if to feel for him, think he needs a friend or if he's manipulating me.
anne1707 Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 Oh Elfie. He's just trying to get you to feel sorry for him. He wants to be "comforted" :sick: As for your flat. If you're renting then it does not matter if there may not be many interested in renting your current place. That's the landlord's problem. You just put yourself first for a change. I (and I am sure many others here too) am convinced that you need to put physical distance between you and the creep across the road. Please start looking for somewhere else to live Oh hang on - I have just realised that you are talking of a swap/exchange. In that case, things have changed and your flat may actually be more popular than it once was (because of the bedroom tax)
Author Elfie Posted June 14, 2013 Author Posted June 14, 2013 Oh Elfie. He's just trying to get you to feel sorry for him. He wants to be "comforted" :sick: As for your flat. If you're renting then it does not matter if there may not be many interested in renting your current place. That's the landlord's problem. You just put yourself first for a change. I (and I am sure many others here too) am convinced that you need to put physical distance between you and the creep across the road. Please start looking for somewhere else to live Oh hang on - I have just realised that you are talking of a swap/exchange. In that case, things have changed and your flat may actually be more popular than it once was (because of the bedroom tax) Thank you Anne. I will have to think about something practical - I guess it's the price I pay for what I fell into. I've lost 80/90% of my belongings twice before from escaping 2 abusive relationships, so I was keeping my fingers crossed I wouldn' ahve to do it again - and a part of me wishes he would move, which he won' do while I'm still approachable. I also have a chap with 2 veeeeery large dogs close by :o I just need to change personality and turn into a b**** or something. Ot threaten to tell his wife, but I'd have to do it, which I wouldn't want to do. I guess I''m getting what I deserve.
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