Gingerlee Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 (edited) I dont know where to go from here. I'll try and make it quick. Since last september when my boyfriend of 3/4 years broke up with me, we have been in a friends with benefits kinda situation. I prayed every night that he would come back to me. He left me for a girl but she left him when she found out he was still sleeping with me. He told me he loved me when drunk a couple of times, phoned me when I was at the hopsital (had a miscariage early january, everything that could have gone wrong, did, and im still suffering from it now) and took me to appointments and gave me lifts whenever I wanted. We walked our dogs together and he always kissed my forehead when he left. He was my best friend, my lover, my everything. The silences were comfortable, we'd make eachother laugh to no end and I have so many love letters from him, telling me i'm his soul mate and that he wants to marry me. He was the most perfect boyfriend in every way and now it's gone. Now he's told me we can't do it anymore. I always knew i'd have to call it off but it was always a case of "one last time, one last time of feeling this euphoria and then i'll be the one in control" and now he has done it. He is the one calling it off. He said it's because he's seeing someone. I am in the same mess I was in back in november. I have been making myself sick for the past week because his friends rally me and insult me whenever I see them. Calling me fat and saying horrible things. I feel disgusting, used, and like the lowest form of trash on this planet. I know I have no right to feel that way, I knew this day would come eventually but it never stopped me hoping he would come back to me. I am having very some dark thoughts which I can't control. I am so desperate, pathetic, sad and lonley. I am still mourning the loss of our baby. I didnt even know I was pregnant till I collapsed at work. I would have loved and cherished that child, despite the fact he told me he was glad, because he would not have been up to being a father. I dont even know why i'm posting this, someone please help me before I do something stupid. Not that I deserve anyones help. Edited June 12, 2013 by Gingerlee
d0620 Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 Ginger, I am sorry that you are hurting. I am guilty of offering my self esteem to a man on a silver platter and allowing him to eat from it whenever he pleased. Then after he finished he didn't even have the nerve to clean his plate. I am being sarcastic in a way, but I am not. How is it that we expect a man to respect us if we don't even respect ourselves? Then we ask ourselves why they ended up with a woman who didn't do half the stuff we did. No matter what other people call you, its our own self worth that we should rely on. Its hard to get that self confidence back, and we are going to struggle everyday, not because we missed the person who used us, but because we are struggling to find ourselves again. At this time, focus on yourself and take baby steps. Congratulate yourself on every accomplishment no matter how small. 1. I got up this morning and took a shower.-Yay for me 2. I ate breakfast-Yay for me etc. etc. might seem crazy but for many days I was unable to do that and each day I am getting better and better. Take your self esteem back from him.
Author Gingerlee Posted June 12, 2013 Author Posted June 12, 2013 Thankyou for your reply! I cannot believe I hung on for so long, wasted other chances of happiness with other guys for him, and he is the one calling the shots! My head is killing me, I never get headaches. I just want it to stop. I just took a long soak in the bath, it made me feel a little better. I guess i'm just feeling numb now.
Ale khun Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 Hi gingerlee I know how you feel because I have the same situation now I have a FWB relationship with my ex and I relate to you when you say " one more time , just one more time and its over " but that's not the true , we keep coming back and every time we dig the knife in our heart deeper and deeper , and we pray that someday things will go back to "normal" but that's not happening they don't want us and we know that but we just can't let go . I'm in therapy now I need to find the way to move on I hate the feeling of "needing him" and missing him the therapist told me to look at this as in rehab where an alcoholic can't have one more drink . We have to be sober of "them ", I'm sorry you feel that way but we have to find a way to move on like they did .
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