Realization

[underwater2010]

I have finally come to realize something. No matter what I do to change or make him happy, I truly cannot control whether or not he cheats again.

 

That it my simply be in his "nature" to do so. The work has to come from his side and I am not sure I have seen.

 

Does he feel bad about what he did? Yes. Does he swear that he will never do it again? Yes. But what has truly changed on his part? I am not sure I can answer that.

 

I never would have thought he would cheat in the first place so I still not sure what caused it other than loneliness because I was working at night. The current job does get me home early in the morning, about 2:30 AM at the latest, but does being able to wake up with me in the bed really make that much difference?

 

One year out and I am still lost.

[greytide]

I'm sorry this happened to you

 

I do think you're right. Whether he'll cheat or not has nothing to do with you or the quality of your relationship. All of the cheaters I met or heard about essentially had low self-esteem which made them seek validation through inappropriate flirting and affairs. For whatever reason deep down they don't feel like they're man/woman enough and they expect others to compensate for their lack of self-worth. But it doesn't go that way.

 

It's their internal issue which they have to face themselves. No matter how loving and supportive you are to your partner, you cannot solve the problems he has with himself - this has to come from within.

 

It's something he has to address, ideally through counseling. If he's committed to it, I'd maybe give him the benefit of the doubt. If on the other hand he refuses to do this soul-searching and insists it'll never happen again just because he said so, I don't think I'd buy it.

 

Good luck!

[underwater2010]

I think I am past the buying anything part. I am just existing....for the benefit of my kids. I really do love him, but I am starting to close off my heart. I am so tired of hurting and wandering how is he feeling/how can I help him/what more can I do. It is time for him to show me.

[BetrayedH]

What has HE been doing to show you that he's learned anything or changed?

 

Because you're right, this isn't about you and never was.

[underwater2010]

He does try to stay up and wait for me....even though it rarely leads to sex (which I want all the time).

 

When I mention that I want to be touched and held outside the bedroom he does so for about a week and then reverts back to his old ways.

 

He has not reverted back to his old ways on the computer/facebook/email.

 

Other than that....I am not sure. It still seems as though our entire life and marriage are about him. He always gets the new car, our schedule revolves around his activities at work/coaching and/or how happy/unhappy he is. And the last time I reacted to any of the above, I was told it is not all about me. No ****...otherwise he wouldn't have had the affair right?

[BetrayedH]

He does try to stay up and wait for me....even though it rarely leads to sex (which I want all the time).

 

When I mention that I want to be touched and held outside the bedroom he does so for about a week and then reverts back to his old ways.

 

He has not reverted back to his old ways on the computer/facebook/email.

 

Other than that....I am not sure. It still seems as though our entire life and marriage are about him. He always gets the new car, our schedule revolves around his activities at work/coaching and/or how happy/unhappy he is. And the last time I reacted to any of the above, I was told it is not all about me. No ****...otherwise he wouldn't have had the affair right?

 

Well, I asked what he was doing and I'm not sure any of the responses you gave have a very positive spin.

 

But I was really more curious about him being introspective. Cheating is a coping mechanism. Cheaters are either too entitled, too avoidant of conflict, or too needy for external validation. Instead of solving their problems in life, they self-soothe with the attention of someone else. They betray their loved ones and violate their own standards to do it. Why? The answer lies within him, not within you. If he digs deep enough into why he made such a terrible choice, then perhaps he can avoid the use of this coping mechanism in the future and find a healthier way to cope. And if you see that he's done this kind of introspection to learn his "why," then perhaps you can trust that you won't see a repeat performance. This is why IC is so critical for a wayward that wants to reconcile. If he doesn't dig deep, why would you EVER believe or trust that anything has changed?

 

Do you see what I'm saying? Sex with him might soothe your need for validation but it won't convince you that anything has changed within him that would prevent a reoccurence of cheating.

 

Just something to consider. Unfortunately, you cannot go around an affair. You must go through the processing of it. Trying to make it go fast (a cepting surface answers, avoiding difficult conversations, offering relatively cheap forgiveness) actually makes it go slow.

 

Besides meeting some of your demands (which could just be damage control on his part), what is he doing to help himself avoid the use of such a destructive coping mechanism in the future?

[underwater2010]

That is just it....I have no way of knowing if he is doing anything, beside the duck and cover. You know keep my nose clean and she has nothing to complain about.

 

I do not see where he has done any research via computer. So who knows what he is really trying to figure out or not.

 

The sad part is I cannot force him to do the work. I just need to realize that my work has been done and decide if I am willing to wait long enough to find out if he will or will not cheat again.

[angie2443]

It still seems as though our entire life and marriage are about him. He always gets the new car, our schedule revolves around his activities at work/coaching and/or how happy/unhappy he is. And the last time I reacted to any of the above, I was told it is not all about me. No ****...otherwise he wouldn't have had the affair right?

 

This seems like a very one sided marriage. Does he control the finances? Also, What do you think the consequences would be if things stopped revolving around him all the time? Would he be angry, or withdraw from the family?

 

Otherwise, you are absolutely correct about you not bieng able to control his cheating. I think, maybe it is good that you are closing your heart to him. He is, from what I can see, purposely treating it bad.

[waterwoman]

So sorry underwater. I know how you feel. When someone had hurt you that badly you want them to be really sorry and work hard to fix what they broke. There are times I feel like you. That I am doing the work and he isn't, he is just passive. But recently I have been reviewing where we are and I realised that he had done lots, he has worked, but he is more subdued and less demonstrative than me and it isn't so obvious.

 

I have started doing a lot more for me. He seems pleased with that. Are you doing more for you? Taking time/money/resources for yourself?

[Spotme]

That is just it....I have no way of knowing if he is doing anything, beside the duck and cover. You know keep my nose clean and she has nothing to complain about.

 

I do not see where he has done any research via computer. So who knows what he is really trying to figure out or not.

 

The sad part is I cannot force him to do the work. I just need to realize that my work has been done and decide if I am willing to wait long enough to find out if he will or will not cheat again.

 

Actually I think there are two things you can and should do for yourself. First communicate exactly this to him - I'm not sure you are doing the work on yourself that you need to and I am only willing to wait for that to happen for so long. As long as I am not seeing this from you, I am going to continue to grow increasingly unhappy with the status of our relationship. If you don't want to do the work, tell me now. If to do, get on with it and show me. At the least, you'll have your answer to base your decisions about how to move forward on.

 

And then, the second thing, you can only be always in second place if you allow it. Tell him so and then take action to make sure your needs and wants are equally balanced with his. If he balks, well, do it on your own.

 

While I'm about 4 months behind you on the reconciliation track, my advice comes from having done these things myself, for my own sake. I had been in over-drive perfect wife mode during the affair, blindly trying to fix everything by being everything to everyone except myself. I told H on Dday that that situation was over and I have stuck to that. I also instituted a brutal honesty policy, so if I'm feeling it, he's hearing it, and my conditions for R remain and if he doesn't want to cooperate, there's the door. This is not to say that there have been stops and starts with the working on the marriage and him working on his individual root issues in IC, but it is happening, even though he says it scares him.

[Confusion_Reigns]

This is where we are at, he never really did any work at all and I accepted that when he said he would do the work that he would…but I never know how to know if he really was doing the work…so I decided to ‘trust’ and have ‘faith’ that he was doing as he said he was doing. But no, in actuality he did nothing but, I think, mimicked or projected back to me what I wanted to see in him as I was digging thru my own messy mind….and I bought it all.

[BetrayedH]

That is just it....I have no way of knowing if he is doing anything, beside the duck and cover. You know keep my nose clean and she has nothing to complain about.

 

I do not see where he has done any research via computer. So who knows what he is really trying to figure out or not.

 

The sad part is I cannot force him to do the work. I just need to realize that my work has been done and decide if I am willing to wait long enough to find out if he will or will not cheat again.

 

Has he done individual or marriage counseling? IC might force him to look more deeply and MC might help you to see that he has.

 

Otherwise, you're right that you can't forcd him to do anything. But you can make ultimatums about what you'll accept and requiring him to do this kind of introspection could be a good clarification of what you need and expect or he will see what YOU will do. Forgive me if I've missed that he's done all of this for you already (perhaps in previous posts or threads). I'm just saying that you don't have to just "wait." Don't be afraid to ask for what you need.

[underwater2010]

This is where we are at, he never really did any work at all and I accepted that when he said he would do the work that he would…but I never know how to know if he really was doing the work…so I decided to ‘trust’ and have ‘faith’ that he was doing as he said he was doing. But no, in actuality he did nothing but, I think, mimicked or projected back to me what I wanted to see in him as I was digging thru my own messy mind….and I bought it all.

So is that what drove you to your own affair?

[Confusion_Reigns]

I can't blame anyone and won't blame anyone for my actions. I do what I do be cause I do it...however, I doubt I'd have ever even considered this situation that I'm in now if the circumstances of my marriage weren't as they are now. Ie: yes. Him not doing the work he said he would do has opened a door for me to consider leaving him.

[Spark1111]

I too had to reinvent myself, focus on me, carve out date night, and STOP being the perfect wifey and mother.

 

that self-sacrificing lady died at DDay.

 

I became MORE selfish about me and my needs and started scheduling me time. he could join me or not, but I was driven to lead a more rewarding, fun, life.

 

He doesn't get to dictate all downtime activities. You work long hours too, right?

 

Plus, I was reading voraciously about infidelity and how to build a stronger marriage and I shared all and then asked, what do you think of that? Would it help us?

 

if I felt he was growing complacent just wanting it to go back to the way it was, I called a girlfriend and did something FUN.

 

My message was loud and clear: I would NEVER again accept less time, attention and romance than he lavished on his AP.

 

I deserved so much more and was hell bent to get it, either with him or without.

[ladydesigner]

I have finally come to realize something. No matter what I do to change or make him happy, I truly cannot control whether or not he cheats again.

 

This is the realization that sort of freed me from WH's A. For so long I thought that if I did things a certain way, he would stay NC with MOW. As I struggled through multiple broken NC I came to this same realization. It was at this point that I started focusing on myself and my mental health. I started doing things that I enjoyed outside of my WH. I am far from healed I still think about it every single day. I still cry about it. I still get angry about it. But what I realized is that if WH wants to cheat, he will. The only thing we have control over is what WE want to do about it.

 

One thing that has really helped me (and I have struggled with the following since DDay: Major Depression, Suicide attempt, cutting, and PTSD) is my IC, my Psychiatrist, and my closest friends and family. Plus the addition of medication. It's amazing what infidelity can do to a person. Unfortunately the scar it leaves never goes away.

[Furious]

I think I am past the buying anything part. I am just existing....for the benefit of my kids. I really do love him, but I am starting to close off my heart. I am so tired of hurting and wandering how is he feeling/how can I help him/what more can I do. It is time for him to show me.

 

 

It seems he played the victim and you ran with it and went out of your way to/help him/what more can I do/ wondering how he's feeling.

 

Meanwhile he dropped the ball and let you try to fix the marriage, maybe you subconsciously needed to prove to him you were worthy of being loved by him and he'd see the light.

 

Now your tired and out of energy and you see he's not making you a priority.

 

All the effort you've made hasn't come through and he's back to his same old same old.

 

It's time for you to make yourself a priority, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.

 

At this point it's not about your husband but about you. What do you want and need from him. Start off by thinking ahead and planning a life without him. Get your ducks in order, see a lawyer, get your finances in order, lean on your close family and friends for support.

 

If your husband continues to disappoint you, continues to not appreciate and love you, at least you have a future map planned out in order to move on without him.

 

You've come to a realization that you cannot love a man enough to prevent him from cheating on you. Your trust has been broken and it's up to him to worry about you, think of you, help you and not the other way around.

 

Spell it out to him, demand the respect and love you need. Give him the chance to show you his love but if he fails to make the changes you need you've got your answer.

 

Take your power back, and fight for you.

[jnel921]

Effort has to come from both sides. building that trust up again is not easy. I like you see my H only on weekends as he works nights and I during the day. So we miss each other everyday. I am not sure if our schedules had anything to do with what he did. It doesn't matter anymore. I cannot control what he does. I can only give him reasons to love me more and know that he only needs me.

[Thespian]

I wish someone had told me that cheating is a deal breaker. Period. There is nothing to discuss. See a lawyer and proceed. If you do not, you are sending a message to the cheater that you do not respect yourself enough to demand and expect good treatment and respect from others, especially your significant other. If you do not get respect you must walk away because otherwise you will be consistently disrespected.

 

Cheating on the part of the cheater is not about their partner. It is about them and only them. They are cowards who cannot deal with their own emotions but choose to hide and seek. If they cheat once they will cheat again. Maybe not next year, next month, or the next 5 years. But they will do it. Bet on it. It is only the cheater who decides they want to deal with their emotional issues that end up remaining faithful..........with someone else. If you stay you have taught them there are no consequences and you will put up with anything. Of course that's an open invitation to try/do it again.

 

All you will get in the end is the remnants of a love that was not real and A LOT of lost time if you do not hold your spouse and yourself accountable for everything that brought you to this point. If they are the one for you, time and distance will prove their effort to respect and care for you. But it may also and should also help you realize you deserve and demand to be treated well.

[2sunny]

You'd know if he were doing the hard work. Things would be changing.

 

And it wouldn't be about him...he'd be considering you and your feelings before himself.

[So happy together]

What has HE been doing to show you that he's learned anything or changed?

 

Because you're right, this isn't about you and never was.

 

It may not be about 'you' but it is definitely about the relationship. It takes two to make a relationship work. If he's not working it, then it will falter, but if you are not working it, it will do the same.

 

I really feel if he is not giving you what you need, what's the point?