tillytoots39 Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 I suspect my husband cheating on line AGAIN he’s in his 40s He’s using his Samsung 3 mobile phone which is locked always. .he never uses the computer now. I know his email address but not his pass word. I forgave him but never felt comfortable about it we did communicate about but left it in the past. . as it wasn't a physical affair, it was a sexual and emotional one on line and on his phone. I do think this is wrong and I is a form of adultery as we weren’t having a sexual relationship however I was convinced by him and his family that he wasn’t being unfaithful so I reluctantly forgave him . I also mentioned relationship counselling which he refused. ; I have been such a caring, loving, supportive, faithful wife, IV put him on a pedestal for many years, don’t get me wrong I am no door mat either. My husband is quite an emotionalist and aloft but can be funny and charming. In some of his emails he also had sexual talk about being with other men while been watch by this woman in graphic details. He denies any gay tendencies... I do know when I was able to access his emails, he did go to meet a woman but she never turned up. . I suspect he may be at it again. Is there anyway I can access his phone by bypassing his security swipe and not loosing any of his data without him knowing I have done this. I think I will leave him if he has done this again despite how broken hearted I will be, but I just don’t want to be in a marriage based on lies. The pain will be too unbearable to live with. he is quite devious and clever and a fantastic liar , I am just worried I am wrong here but I don’t think I am , I just have so much doubts , I just need my mind settled and to make sense of this, I am worried I am getting so paranoid now … . I also don’t believe in midlife sexual crises or am I wrong. Please advice and straight answers of support would be gratefully received.
Realist3 Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 If you hold the phone against the light chances are his finger smudges for his unlock swipe will be visible. 1
Author tillytoots39 Posted June 12, 2013 Author Posted June 12, 2013 hi there i tried that, he wipes the phone after every time he uses it .
TaraMaiden Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 Good hint - she said, wiping her phone..... Mind you, my H knows mine anyway, and I know his.... but it's a good hint regarding other 'nosey people'.... OP. Frankly, your questions are redundant. If you say you're no doormat, (and I can only sit in hope that such a statement is believable and true) then get hold of his phone payment accounts. And scare the almighty jeebies out of him by filing for divorce. Do you have kids? Are you having sex with him, on any basis, regular or otherwise? Don't list his good points. I could attribute his good points to my Labrador.....(If I had one, that is....) If you feel this uncertain, unhappy, mistrustful and suspicious, and he refuses counselling, then follow your gut. Leave. File. End it. I'm afraid sometimes, I just won't give wasting time, the time of day. You only have one life. Think about how you visualise you spending the remainder - and if you think you can, or should continue to put up with this, then greet Misery by the hand, and invite it in. To live with your H and you.
Author tillytoots39 Posted June 12, 2013 Author Posted June 12, 2013 @ Tara maiden, Thank you so much for you reply that made me smile actually xx. Our two girls are in their twenty and left home now. His phone payments account are on line so can’t access this, we have separate bank accounts too arghhh. No, not really having sex, once this year only , and that was a disaster on his part and maybe mine, as I could only think about him wanting to have sex with men and women, don’t think he actually has YET, but unfortunately it creep me out a bit. I don’t get cuddles or kisses and I am still attractive. I just think I am not ready to let go of him yet I do still love him very much been with him 25 years since I was young. Yes your right I need to visualise of how I need spend the remainder of my life , I am just terrified I have this wrong and the thought of him being with another also chews me up. Comforting him won’t help as he will just lie, an art he master very well. I just want prove I am either right or wrong, to settle my mind.
TaraMaiden Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 You're not ready to let go of him, because he's become a habit to have around. I separated form my ex after 25 years or so of togetherness.... so I can understand how tough a decision it is. But he doesn't sound like an endearing character. Tell me, if you were reading your post, from the perspective of being a complete stranger, wouldn't you tell "tillytoots39" to seriously think about detaching? He's a liar, his sexual proclivities are questionable, he's a proven cheater (from before) and you can't trust him. You can't check his online account, and he's careful to hide his tracks... Please, honey..... 1
BetrayedH Posted June 12, 2013 Posted June 12, 2013 I would recommend you buy a voice activated recorder and place it in his car; velcro it under his steering column. They always think the car is the safe place for their conversations. You could also buy a keylogger for the computer. But I'm kinda with Tara on this one. He's been caught cheating before and isn't even transparent with his phone? Unfortunately, I know you're unlikely to dump him based on suspicions. So, keep investigating until you're convinced. Remember though that you only need to convince yourself; you don't need to convince him (he already knows). 2
oldshirt Posted June 13, 2013 Posted June 13, 2013 What will it take for you to throw in the towel and start a new life without a man who denies you love and passion and affection while he schmoozes and has love and sex talks with other women electronically? Does actually putting his penis into someone else actually make it any worse for you??? If you need cold, hard proof of his bad behavior before you can move on there are a variety of options to gather the proof you need. There are keyloggers that will record every keystroke on the computer. Phone records can be subpoenaed to show his calls and txts. Many philanderers have their conversations in the car and there are a lot of tiny voice activated recorders that will record what he is saying in the car. There are also lots of GPS tracking devices you can put on his phone and car that will log all of his whereabouts. A divorce lawyer or a PI that specializes in adultery will be able to help you do all of those things. You just have to have your own line in the sand on what is and what is not tolerable behavior that you are willing and able to live with. A guy having some occasional flirting sex talk for *****s and giggles with someone across the country may be tolerable for many people if they otherwise have a good love and sexlife and a healthy family life. However the fact that you are being denied an active and satisfying love life while he carries on with other people IMHO is a legitimate deal breaker. Your mileage may vary. 1
beatcuff Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 not to bring in some sanity --- i see on many threads continual talk about marriage is based on trust and communication. continue on this path and YOU fail on both. i do not know my wife's passwords and do not even open her mail. why waste the energy. the fact you THINK Something is wrong is enough for a serious conversation. i suggest a MC with or without him. your energy is better suited in this area --- either to fix this or for you to move on. 1
eddyctv Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 I can tell you what I did when I suspected my girlfriend of cheating on me. I did a search for a "keylogger" program online...it's a program that records everything that is typed into your computer, so you can get EVERYTHING that is typed - passwords, emails, texts, etc. It worked for me, and I found out what was going on. 1
Author tillytoots39 Posted June 14, 2013 Author Posted June 14, 2013 I cant get onto his phone to use a key logger . He never uses the pc anymore , so I again decided to ask him that I had a feeling he was up to something last night . He as you can guess, denied, however I felt he was not being truthful and just left it there.,I have no energy to push it verbally as what's the point the trust has gone. You are all right in your answers . I cant live my life like this and i am not happy that I don't trust the man any more , this upsets me greatly. I may never get over it, I don't know . I believe my marriage may be coming to a natural end. I do need to action something for my sanity. Every response I have received from my question has given me strength and I thank you all for you honest replys, they have been very valuable. I will save them, because if I have a weak moment I will be able to reflect back to them and know I am doing the right thing by moving on with my life x
BetrayedH Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 Feel free to DEMAND that he give you his unlocked phone. What do you have to lose? If he cites a desire for privacy, tell him he can have privacy in the bathroom. Secrets don't belong in a marriage, especially when he has cheated before. Does he have to give you his phone? No. But make it clear that refusal will tell you all that you need to know and you'll be seeing an attorney on Monday. People with nothing to hide, hide nothing. 2
Ninja'sHusband Posted June 14, 2013 Posted June 14, 2013 Feel free to DEMAND that he give you his unlocked phone. What do you have to lose? If he cites a desire for privacy, tell him he can have privacy in the bathroom. Secrets don't belong in a marriage, especially when he has cheated before. Does he have to give you his phone? No. But make it clear that refusal will tell you all that you need to know and you'll be seeing an attorney on Monday. People with nothing to hide, hide nothing. Exactly. You have every right to be suspicious. He's a proven cheater already and one of the basic requirements for a successful reconciliation is that the WS becomes completely transparent. Obviously he has not earned your trust back and relationships can't last without trust. I think for you to be blindly trustful at this point would simply be being an enabler. 1
undergroundlife13 Posted June 15, 2013 Posted June 15, 2013 Demand to see his phone or youll leave thats the best way to find out
beatcuff Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 no secrets in a marriage --- are you kidding me: we all lie, we have too: when was the last time you told yours they were fat, or you find one of their friends attractive or what about the time they spent great effort in cooking a meal that just was not right. ok these are small ones, but several OP are saying NO secrets. if my spouse demanded to see my phone/email etc; YES i would give it to her then wonder why she is so suspicious --- a/k/a guilty (because i did nothing wrong). you have your answer - he said there is nothing to worry about. but i would trust my intuition. time for an IC to determine if it is founded or you are insecure.
BetrayedH Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 No, you don't "have too" lie to your spouse. In fact, it's a bad idea. And no, I'm not kidding. You obviously haven't learned the lesson yet.
Lamplight Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 Do you have any idea what websites he has accounts on? You could create a fake profile and wait him out. It is a slow process but once he contacts you, he will tell you everything not realizing that he is talking to his wife. Get a new email and a fake picture or two. I found my ex-spouse on Ashley Madison, Adult Friend finder and Gay executive.com. Good Luck, I hope you can find out the truth. 1
Lamplight Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 If you find out his userid on one of those sites, google it and it will show you most of the sites he's a member of. My Ex was on so many sites that I can't even remember them all. Also, do you have access to credit card bills? Look at the charges and if you see anything odd goggle that too. It will tell you who the vendor is. 1
2sure Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 Sometimes, as wrong and as obvious as a cheating or abusive spouse is to those of us who are on the outside... For a BS who has been deceived to the point of gaslighting, real tangible proof that you can touch, or see, or hear is necessary. They need it because they have been so convinced to not trust their own judgement. Get your proof OP, so that you can begin the process of knowing you're not insane. Voice recorder is simple, cheap, easy, and usually gives results. 3
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