Unexpected break up, and I'm a complete mess...

[felicians]

Hi there. I'm in a bit of a state at the moment, and my head is just a total mess. What I'd really like is some advice to help me through this sudden and unexpected break up. I'm simply not coping at the moment

 

I guess all these things start with a story. First and foremost, the break-up happened yesterday morning. First thing in the morning, while I was still in bed. I was staying over at his place and he set his alarm earlier than usual the night before (which I queried, but he told me he was always in a rush to get ready and didn't want to be late to work because of new management - which seemed like a fair reason at the time). It was also totally unexpected which is why I think I'm hurting so much.

 

My now-ex (and it really hurts to refer to him that way) and I had an amazing relationship. And even right now, we hold no animosity towards each other. We were together a year and a half. We didn't have our first fight until eight months into the relationship. We spoke to each other each and every single day since before we entered into the relationship, and we were good friends beforehand as well. We always knew it would be risky to go out with a friend, but it felt right and was going so very right for such a long time. We share the same group of friends, and he is/was good friends with my ex - which is also generally a big 'no-no' when it comes to dating. We knew it was risky, but it felt right.

 

Earlier in the year (so, a year into our relationship), I was a bit unstable (personally, not in the relationship, although it did have its effects). I had a very short fuse and was shadow of my normal self. I was bickering with friends over minor things, taking friendly jokes the wrong way and in the process burnt a few bridges simply by overreacting and being overly dramatic. At the insistence of my now-ex, I went to my doctor and I was told that I was depressed and very anxious. I sort professional help and things for me started getting better, although these personal problems are absolutely no excuse for my behaviour. There are a few friendships that are still left to rebuild. In terms of my relationship, everything went back to normal. Things were smooth sailing and felt like the old days.

 

About a month ago, we went out with a few friends and had a really nasty fight about something so minuscule and insignificant (ie. He whistled in my ear, I demanded he apologise, he refused and it went from there). We both said things we shouldn't have and it was a horrible, horrible fight. We said all we needed to say, slept in separate beds and by the next afternoon things were tense, but they were okay. We were holding hands, cuddling and watching movies.

 

In the last week or so, I noticed he was acting not quite right. There had been changes at work, he'd had his hours cut, but was still working over time. He didn't like the new management and was getting over a nasty chest infection. He told me he was just tired and that seemed reasonable - he'd been so busy and so sick for a while, it was understandable. The night before last, I went over to his place. We had been considering moving in together for a few months (initially at his request), but when I was suggesting suburbs and showing him ads for apartments, he told me he didn't want to talk about it. He was very short in his words and very standoff-ish in his mannerisms, which was very out of character. I asked him if everything was okay, and if I had done something wrong. He told me "no" and that everything was "fine". Before bed, he set his alarm an hour earlier than usual, and as I said earlier, I queried the act, but his explanation seemed fair.

 

The alarm went off and instead of rolling over and hitting sleep as per usual, he got up, had a glass of water and came back. He sat down and told me about a weird dream he had about me, and I wasn't being particularly responsive as I was still trying to wake up. Then he said "I have to tell you something you won't like", this of course woke me up and I responded "okay, like what?" He said "what's the worst thing I could say?" I said "just tell me" to which he said in a very matter of fact way "I want to break up". And from then I was a blubbering mess. It was just sprung on me. One moment I'm looking after him while he's sick and we're looking for houses, and then I literally wake up and I'm single after a year and a half. I asked him why and he said that we had different long term goals and the fight from the night out a month before was really hard on him. He didn't like the things he said to me equally as much as the things I said to him. In terms of the goals he's referring to, I'm an old fashioned kind of girl. I want the kids, the house in the suburbs with a white picket fence, and he wants a career, a place in the city and kids that go to prestigious schools. But that seems so trivial to me when everything else is so good with us? My ideals are mostly fanciful because deep down I know they may not be attainable. I'm rational enough to know that, and I'm sensible and practical enough to work around them when/if they arise.

 

He was very upset when he was breaking up with me. It was the very first time I had seen him cry and that in itself was heartbreaking. He told me he still wants me in his life, and that I didn't deserve to be hurt like this, and that he will miss me. I spoke to him twice that night (so, yesterday evening) for about half an hour each time. The first time he was very sympathetic and kind and understanding even though I was a blubbering mess. The second phone call he was a bit more short with me. He didn't want me to vent at him (which is fair) but was happy for me to say my piece and he was happy to answer accordingly so I can have some sort of closure. We mutually agreed to have no contact, and he will call me at the end of the week, but I'm really worried about how that phone call will go. Obviously I'm not expecting him to beg for me back. I guess what I'm worried about is if he is short with me, or hostile or aggressive, just to deter me and to provoke a sense of detachment in me. I don't want the conversation to be a repeat of last night, just me crying down the phone to him about how much it hurts, and how I don't understand what's going on. I just want the conversation to be as upbeat and pleasant as possible. But I don't know how realistic that is.

 

One thing I did ask was, even at this early stage, if he would ever entertain the possibility of getting back together. I was expecting him to say "I don't know" or "it's too early to say", but instead he said "yes, I would consider that" - but insisted that if it were to happen, it would happen naturally and he would not actively pursue it for the sake of pursuing it. But I guess that's better than nothing, right? I so desperately want to feel better, but basically at the moment I just want him to go and find the guy that made me feel this way and beat him up... But then I remember it's him and I can't stay angry or upset with him. I just love him so much

 

My family really liked him and are really shocked and disappointed at how suddenly this happened. But my mother is asking me to stay positive and hope that we get back together. She thinks it's work issues and stress on his part, but when I raised that, he said it wasn't the case. I just don't know what to do.

 

Today has been the first day in over a year and a half where we have had zero contact. Even when we were bickering and things were hard earlier in the year before I saw my doctor, he would always contact me. It's only been one day and I'm a mess. I have no idea how I'm going to go on like this on a regular day to day basis. It's hard seeing what he's doing on Facebook, but it somehow helps as well. But I don't know why that is. Perhaps it still hasn't fully hit me yet. I don't know whether I should grasp that ray of hope I have or try to block it out completely so not to disappoint myself.

 

I really want nothing more than to be with him. He was a good boyfriend and I still love him so very dearly. As I said, we hold no animosity towards each other, and so far things have been polite and amicable (albeit plenty of tears). I hope he goes into our conversation at the end of the week in the same mind set as me, but I don't know how realistic that is. I just don't know what to do and could use some advice I'm sorry for prattling on like this, but I'm a mess. It was so sudden and so heart wrenching. Thank you so much if you have read this, that in itself means a lot to me. Any wise words, comments or suggestions would make me feel a bit better. Thank you again.

[The Situation]

This sounds similar to my last relationship, and I think I can relate to you, here.

 

You said you're best friends and, well, sometimes it's very difficult to fall in love with your best friend, and when the excitement becomes 'normal', guilt starts setting in. That's what happened with me (on top of other things), and I feel your ex may have felt the same.

 

It really is hard to accept, as you both understand each other inside and out, probably share a hell of a lot of things in common and have great chemistry. However, if something's not quite right, it eats away, and I feel his decision wasn't as sudden as you may think.

 

Sorry none of this is motivational or hopeful, but it may help you work out his feelings. The trouble is, as you get on so well, contact will only draw you falsely back to each other, perhaps several times.

 

The key now is to expect considerable time apart, and take each half hour as it comes, ensuring you're prioritising yourself. Certainly do NOT check up on him on Facebook. Tell him, if this is how it's going to be, you're going to have to remove him as a friend in order to cope. (I regret not letting my ex know that, as she was offended by it, even if it was her decision to cut off contact in the end.)

 

I will not understate, you are going to feel terrible for a while, but cry it all out, get it all out of you. In two weeks' time, if your conversation with him comes to nothing, you will start to think of yourself, even if there's a constant pain there.

 

Make plans then. Go out with friends. Change your hairstyle. Whatever helps your self-esteem! It's all the usual stuff, and none of it will replace the intimacy you have lost for now, but when the time comes around again you'll find others attractive, and they'll be attracted to you, and you'll have fun playing the field again.

 

All this helped me until a few days ago when I bumped into my ex. She was incredibly cold, and did whatever she could to hurt me in the short time we spoke, even though there was apparently no animosity at any point. Now I really miss her again, feel awful we're at that stage, and want her back. If you can avoid contact, it really will help!

 

It'll take time and a few distractions. Who knows, maybe one day you will get back together, or you'll find someone new (hard to imagine at the moment, I know)?

 

All in all, you'll improve, I promise.

[felicians]

Thanks so much for your response. It's good to hear from someone who's been in a similar situation. We were always good friends, and I always sort of had a crush on him, but I thought I wasn't his type and he was always with someone else. We have been eachothers longest relationship. We have a lot of common interests, but we're different people. I was the crazy, emotional, neurotic one. He was the sensible, level headed, down to earth one. And that balanced out really well. He knew how to calm me down, and I was his emotional compass. It's just so hard. I think I'm going to deactivate my Facebook entirely simply to get away from it all and focus on grieving and calming down. I just miss him terribly. I guess I can only hope everyone is right when they say it will get better in time. It's hard to believe it, right now though. Thank you again for your advice. It's really helpful to hear a new voice and a new perspective.

[Balzac]

In terms of the goals he's referring to, I'm an old fashioned kind of girl. I want the kids, the house in the suburbs with a white picket fence, and he wants a career, a place in the city and kids that go to prestigious schools.

 

These are big differences in goals. Apparently he is an alum

of prestigious schools?

 

I'm sorry you're shocked and grieving but it's better for you that

he ended it now.

[TaraMaiden]

Ok, felicians, you've been a member for a while, but not really a frequent visitor.

I think in these circumstances, you should come in more often, because a problem shared is a problem halved.

 

You've sadly been through this before....

 

The best and briefest advice I personally could give you, is two things:

One - Don't see him again.

you're broken up. There's no point.

Closure comes from you, because no matter what the logic, rationale and explanation for the break-up, you won't see it his way, and will wish that you could prove to him it's workable....

 

Two - cancel this Friday's agreed telephone 'get together'. it will just rip you open, tear you to pieces and simply churn up how you feel right now.

 

This is it.

It's finished, so you need to gather all your stuff up, and shut this book as firmly and quickly as possible.

 

 

Read the 'No Contact' guide in my signature. The first post is the Guide itself, the remainder of the thread is of good use too....

 

I can't get over the fact that he set his alarm early in order to talk to you.

Talk about planning ahead.

He knew - must have known for a while - that he was going to do this.

Damn, that's harsh....

That dream thing was just a ploy to get a discussion going, by the way. I don't believe for a moment he dreamt about you at all.

 

Not a nice way to behave.

 

Read the guide.

Don't talk to him, again.

Forget any discussion at the end of the week.

 

And begin the healing process, now.

[Zahara]

Six months ago he told you he was "40% out of the relationship and 60% on working it through." I have to say that at this point he's checked out completely. Infact, he checked out awhile ago.

 

Whether he's stated that there may be possible reconciliation in the future isn't something you should hold on to because it's there is no way of telling how he's going to feel in time and it's damaging for you to wait around for someone to decide if they want you back. Besides, most times dumpers say that to keep you on the backburner/to relieve guilt/too much of a coward to kill you with the truth.

 

Don't entertain any calls. Cold hard NC. It's over. If at anytime he wants to rekindle, he'll come for you. There is no need for you to stick around and wait. Time to feel the pain and heal.

[anna121]

It sucks. It always, always sucks.

 

I would not talk to him next Friday. I have been there, and known the temptation. It was better, for me, to not speak for a while.

 

I haven't really gone through a serious break-up in the age of FB but I would definitely, at LEAST, block him. Good call to go offline for a bit.

 

He sounded pretty determined. For a guy, that's a bad sign. The stuff about getting back together- you simply cant take it at face value.

[CarrieT]

How old are you two?

[Mack05]

How old are you two?

 

I would guess between 18-22...OP comes across as very emotionally immature. I remember being that age. Everything seemed like the end of the world when a relationship failed. You both want different things and you are both far too immature to make a relationship work.

 

You need to work on your personal issues outside of the relationship and read/stick to Tara's signature (no contact guide). Anything else is prolonging the agony. This relationship has zero chance of success and before you say I never met you and I don't know what your relationship was like...don't.

 

I've heard it a million times, not only that I've there. You are the rule not the exception. This relationship has no future. If you want a relationship with a future then work on your issues and deal with this breakup in a mature fashion. Suffer it, Learn from it, grow from it. When you are ready to date again make sure you are in a happy place. This greatly increases the chance of long term success.

Edited June 12, 2013 by Mack05

[The Situation]

Thanks so much for your response. It's good to hear from someone who's been in a similar situation. We were always good friends, and I always sort of had a crush on him, but I thought I wasn't his type and he was always with someone else. We have been eachothers longest relationship. We have a lot of common interests, but we're different people. I was the crazy, emotional, neurotic one. He was the sensible, level headed, down to earth one. And that balanced out really well. He knew how to calm me down, and I was his emotional compass. It's just so hard. I think I'm going to deactivate my Facebook entirely simply to get away from it all and focus on grieving and calming down. I just miss him terribly. I guess I can only hope everyone is right when they say it will get better in time. It's hard to believe it, right now though. Thank you again for your advice. It's really helpful to hear a new voice and a new perspective.

 

Although for different reasons, we're very similar there.

 

I was the insecure, irrational one with low self-esteem; and she was the positive, calm and supportive one. In the end, I exhausted her of her feelings. Now I've had time out, I generally feel stronger, have more self-belief and don't need her any more. Do I want her, though? I do, but fear of her really disliking me (which I know is the case) is stopping me from trying one more time.

 

So, it sounds like you need him at the moment, and that's never healthy. It wrecked my relationship as I tried to get over a previous ex, and it was never gonna end well for yours, unfortunately. However, over time you'll learn to deal with things yourself, and in the long run, that will make you a better person, with higher self-esteem and, most importantly, a far better girlfriend / fiancee / wife one day!

 

Deactivating Facebook is a great idea. I'd do the same, but I'm going away alone for two weeks on Saturday and will be using it to post a 'diary', as such. After that, I'll consider deactivating, too. Social media just isn't healthy, and it'll drive you mad checking up on him, when you see cryptic messages and start speculating on what he's doing or who he's seeing. The fact is, unless he's on a rebound, he won't be seeing anyone for quite some time, if that helps.

 

It'll be ok! Just be prepared to be single for a while. Don't rush it if you find someone attractive too soon, it'll only end abruptly, and you'll regret it.

 

Time and patience!

[lcs154]

felicians, I can completely relate to your breakup. The same thing happened to me a month ago, albeit without the pre-meditated break up alarm, which is odd and cruel.

 

I had been dating my boyfriend for almost two years, when seemingly out of the blue he decided we had no future together, despite having made plans for marriage and a home, etc. In retrospect, this had been coming for a long while and we had just been putting it off to avoid hurting each other. We, much like you, couldn't agree on major issues- like children and where to live. We had nothing in common except our fundamental personality traits- but when you have no common interests it's hard to maintain a relationship.

 

Anyway, here's my advice to you: Just continue breathing. It's been a month for me and sometimes I still get a wave of nausea that is just gut wrenching- because despite intellectually knowing we were wrong for each other, I still love him completely. It will fade eventually, but not until the hope dies.

 

In planning a conversation with him later this week, you're hanging onto hope that he'll change his mind. What if he does? What kind of relationship will you have knowing he's not fully committed? Holding in the back of your mind how he did this to you. You seriously need to cut off contact, surround yourself with people who unconditionally love you, hate him, miss him, love him, hate him, love him, miss him, and finally be a peace with the situation. It's a roller coaster of emotions and the ride can be longer than you'd like.

 

Get rid of him on Facebook. FB is a tool we use to torture ourselves. Unfriend him, unfriend his friends, and block him. (It's good advice, except that I occasionally pull up his profile just to see his picture, so I won't judge.)

 

While I don't doubt you love him, we sometimes grieve relationships not because of what they were, but because of what we wanted them to be. In a time like this it's hard to remember the bad times, but try. It helps.

 

It really is grieving. When you become so close to someone and share every thought, feeling, intimacy and then they're *poof* gone from your life, you miss the companionship more than anything. There are days I would die to send one text asking how his day was, sharing a memory, or an observation, but that opens a Pandora's Box of emotions I know I can't handle.

 

If you continue contact, you are pouring salt in the wounds and creating hope where there may be none. My approach has been to disappear. Not to hate him or harbor ill will, but to be gone. If he truly loves you, he'll come back. If not, it wasn't meant to be and you will move on to someone new. There's no such thing as a 'one and only'. It's just sad and frustrating to have to start all over again with someone new.

 

Sorry to ramble, your post just struck me as a mirror to my story and I completely understand your pain. It's devastating, and cruel, and persistent. But one day, it'll be gone.