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Is this an issue or am I overreacting?


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Posted

I’m not sure if this is even an issue or if it is just me overreacting. I have been with my boyfriend for a long time, around 14 months, he is only my second boyfriend and my first serious one, and everything has been progressing well. I am very happy in the relationship and I believe he is also.

 

There is one thing that he does that really irks me and from reading around this site it seems many here think it’s an issue. To be honest I came here thinking, maybe hoping, that I would be told it’s not an issue and that I should just learn to live with it. As I said there seems to be a much different opinion here and now I am a little worried hence this post.

 

The issue is watching porn, well not so much watching but more acting out what he sees. I don’t really have an issue with him watching it, in fact I have watched many movies with him and we have learned a thing or two from them. The issue is that he tends to bring what they do in the movies into the bedroom, I have to take partial blame for that as I have encouraged many of the positions and actions that I found interesting.

 

I am not shy in the bedroom and we have tried a lot of different things but lately he has been pushing the boundaries of what is acceptable. I have compromised and tried a lot of what has been suggested, some I liked, some I didn’t. I think I may have given him the green light unintentionally to keep pushing the boundaries.

 

A week ago he went too far and did something that hurt and scared me. I’m not sure of the rules as to what is acceptable on these forums so I don’t know if I can mention the act (but it is not nice). Afterwards he was very apologetic, even crying because I was upset. I don’t believe he meant to hurt or scare me and I truly believe he understands that it was wrong. I couldn’t see there being a repeat offence.

 

He has sworn off watching porn, admitting that he most probably has/had a warped sense of acceptable limits. I am not sure that it’s not too late, that he already has that inside him and while he may be able to suppress it, it will always be lurking just beneath the surface.

 

I don’t even know what I am asking, I am just trying to get my head around this. I don’t want to break up with him, I do love him. I am just not sure that I can look at him the same way again. Any advice, opinions or things I should consider will be warmly welcomed. I don’t want to ruin what we have especially considering that I believe I may have unintentionally encouraged the behavior.

 

I don’t want to turn this into a porn vs no porn debate because from other threads it seems to be a real emotional issue. I am not an anti porn crusader, in fact I think it is healthy to watch some but I would appreciate if it was kept specific to my case rather than a generalized debate over the pros and cons of porn.

 

Jorja_luvs

Posted

the issue is mainly he doesn't respect your boundaries in sex..that isnt goign to be something he can get around...he has to respect them whether he watches porn or not...porn does give unrealistic ideas on sex...its edited sex......

 

 

 

even xxx the parts that aint so crash hot are on the cutting room floor....they are things like "ouch that freaking hurts........stoooop now"....throwing up breakfast(that is if they haven starved themselves for a couple of days) after being too roughly handled while giving oral.... that sort of stuff...all cut..unless it is fetish and then its in so you can throw up watching it... ......as i said unrealistic expectations......your boyfriend has to differentiate.....i feel it would be best if your boyfriend gave it up for a little while i fnot fo rgood which woudl be the best for you and concentrated on getting to know your boundaries......what makes you happy...what i am gathering is that you arent in thepicture its on him what he likes to try.....you are important...your boundaries are very important...if he makes you cry after sex or during...something needs to stop.....you must enforce this....i wish the best for you...making love should be wondertful for you....no tears unless they are happy ones.... ..deb

  • Like 1
Posted

You're correct to make it clear that this isn't an anti-porn debate.

The issue here is that your boyfriend can't separate the fantasy of porn from real life sex.

And it sounds as if he's seriously lacking in communication skills that are essential for mutually enjoyable sex.

Nobody should have to feel scared or upset having sex with their partner. If someone scares you and hurts you during sex, that's abuse.

I completely agree with the poster above.

  • Like 2
  • Author
Posted

The issue here is that your boyfriend can't separate the fantasy of porn from real life sex.

And it sounds as if he's seriously lacking in communication skills that are essential for mutually enjoyable sex.

Nobody should have to feel scared or upset having sex with their partner. If someone scares you and hurts you during sex, that's abuse.

 

Everything you say is what I am thinking/feeling.

 

I don't believe that he set out to do anything wrong I just think he got caught up in the moment.

 

He has always respected my boundaries apart from the one time I mentioned. Apart from that time it has always been discussed beforehand. Sure the boundaries have been pushed by I always sent in fully aware.

 

I guess the question I need to ask myself is whether this is a one off mistake or a precursor to something bigger.

 

For what it's worth he has apologized repeatedly for what happened and he does sound genuine. Being sorry after the fact is one thing though, I need to be sure that he will think before the act and thus it never happens in the first place.

 

Jorja_luvs

Posted
I’m not sure of the rules as to what is acceptable on these forums so I don’t know if I can mention the act (but it is not nice). [...] I don’t believe he meant to hurt or scare me and I truly believe he understands that it was wrong.

 

He has always respected my boundaries apart from the one time I mentioned. Apart from that time it has always been discussed beforehand. Sure the boundaries have been pushed by I always sent in fully aware.

 

This isn't about porn. It doesn't matter if he got this notion from porn, his guy friends, or a previous girlfriend. The problem is that he went beyond your comfort zone due to lack of communication.

 

You make it sound awful and even characterized it as wrong. The fact that you weren't comfortable with whatever act (you can mention it, and it would help us understand) doesn't make it wrong, and the fact that he accidentally bumped into your limit, especially given the two of you had been expanding the repertory, doesn't make him evil. If you had been turned on by whatever it was and gone into a series of orgasmic convulsions, he'd be the hero.

 

So my suggestion is that you quit judging and labeling, understand that whatever acts consenting adults engage in is probably fine as long as it's not coercive, and that you simply need to communicate where you're willing to go or not go in your explorations. Probably time to start using a "safe word." If you don't know what that is, google.

  • Author
Posted
You make it sound awful and even characterized it as wrong. The fact that you weren't comfortable with whatever act (you can mention it, and it would help us understand) doesn't make it wrong, and the fact that he accidentally bumped into your limit, especially given the two of you had been expanding the repertory, doesn't make him evil. If you had been turned on by whatever it was and gone into a series of orgasmic convulsions, he'd be the hero.

 

It involves breath play (sort of). We had touched on trying it (light choking. aggressive play and such) and it was enjoyable but this went way further. I think it's called Harlem Shuffle. I did Google it after it happened to see where he got the idea from but I couldn't watch more than a few seconds.

 

So my suggestion is that you quit judging and labeling, understand that whatever acts consenting adults engage in is probably fine as long as it's not coercive, and that you simply need to communicate where you're willing to go or not go in your explorations.

 

This is perfectly true. I think we are very clear on that now. He had a chance, he wont get a second one if something like this happens again (that's if I can forgive this one).

 

start using a "safe word."

 

That had already been taken care of. I had no chance to use it.

 

For what it's worth the word was Coke (It's the real thing) :)

 

Posted

Porn does become the factor and THE ISSUE because it can become an addiction that may disrupt a persn's life and alter one's perception of reality and fantasy.

Your boyfriend may be at that tender age where porn can become an obsession. Instead of watching porn for leisure, he's becoming too engrossed in in nacting something that cannot be realistically obtained. And now you are hurt as a result.

 

I'm not saying to completely forego it, but your boyfriend does need to wean of it slowly or encourage him to watch more sensual and educational pornography as opposed to watching ones that promote fetishes and unrealistic scenarios.

 

Also, you need to draw boundaries with him before you have sex with him again. As someone has suggested, a safe word should be used so he does not confuse no for yes.

  • Like 1
Posted
I think it's called Harlem Shuffle. I did Google it after it happened to see where he got the idea from but I couldn't watch more than a few seconds.

 

I had no chance to use it.

 

Yea, I see what you mean. In this case you'd need a safe-signal as well. But the thing is... the thrill for him is going beyond cooperative/consensual and into the realm of actual fear. You'd have to have an amazing amount of trust to not panic if this was done unexpectedly. Did you become fearful and struggle immediately? How long did he hold after you struggled? What I'm wondering is whether you were truly in danger of running out of breath, and whether he released quickly once he realized you were panicking. Given that the two of you were experimenting with this kind of stuff, how it was handled by both of you seems relevant.

Posted

Agree with Sal's last post.

 

Edgeplay without consent, without even talking about it first? That's heavy. I can understand why you would feel like what he did was a complete breach of trust; how he reacted once he realized you were panicking should tell you a lot.

 

If you decide to move forward with him, I'd recommend talking extensively about your limits and discussing anything new he wants to try with you before trying them. On your side, no more unintentionally giving anyone a green light to do something you are not comfortable with. If you don't want to do something (or don't want to do it again), tell him clearly that it's off the table. Start slowly, rebuild trust that he will respect your boundaries. Sorry for your scare.

  • Author
Posted
Did you become fearful and struggle immediately?

 

Yes of course, I had no idea what was going on. After a few seconds I was really worried.

 

How long did he hold after you struggled? What I'm wondering is whether you were truly in danger of running out of breath, and whether he released quickly once he realized you were panicking.

 

It felt like a long time but I was in a bit of a panic so I would only be guessing. It definitely was not straight away though. Once he realised I was serious (I squeezed his balls hard) he let go. I could tell by the look on his face that he was scared about what had just happened.

 

He has said all the right things apologizing and such but I just don't know right now, I need time. We haven't broken up but I told him to leave me alone and I would call him when I was ready. I feel a little guilty about that becasue I think he is suffering over what happened as well.

 

If you decide to move forward with him, I'd recommend talking extensively about your limits and discussing anything new he wants to try with you before trying them.

 

I don't feel like talking to him right now but the talk will happen whether I decide to continue the relationship or not.

 

On your side, no more unintentionally giving anyone a green light to do something you are not comfortable with.

 

You see there's the problem. By the pure nature of it being unintentional it will be very hard to stop it happening again. I will certainly be more aware and make sure what I say is very clear with no leeway for interpretation.

 

The bigger issue now is that if I decide to continue with him (and I was pretty sure I was going to) my girlfriends now want to scratch his eyes out after I confided in them. I can never see them accepting him fully into our circle of friends now. I know I should have kept my mouth shut but I just needed to talk.

Posted

It's very helpful that you've now told us what the act was.

 

I'm old, so maybe my opinion is old fashioned, but I don't think he should EVER have done this without talking to you first. (Yes I had to Google it but just read a description because I certainly didn't need the visual :sick::sick:)

And especially because it's obvious that you wouldn't be able to utter your 'safe word' in this situation.

 

He should be thanking the stars because he's lucky you didn't rip his balls off....

 

I think you're right to be taking some time out from him, at the very least.

  • Like 1
Posted
Agree with Sal's last post.

 

On your side, no more unintentionally giving anyone a green light to do something you are not comfortable with.

 

WTH? She never gave him a green light to do this.

Posted

I felt :sick: just by reading about it:

 

Urban Dictionary: Harlem Struggle

 

but my boundaries are likely different than yours. I know people say fantasies are fine unless you act on them. However, I disagree. Even if your bf NEVER EVER does anything like that again, just the fact that this is on his mind and he is restraining himself would bother me. Kind of like finding out that your SO fantasizes about having sex with kids. It would also make me wonder what else is he capable of.

  • Like 2
Posted

I'm not a violent person but I would beat the s**t out of a man if he tried to do this to me.

  • Like 3
  • Author
Posted
Even if your bf NEVER EVER does anything like that again, just the fact that this is on his mind and he is restraining himself would bother me. Kind of like finding out that your SO fantasizes about having sex with kids. It would also make me wonder what else is he capable of.

 

Yes, thank you, that is exactly what I am feeling I just can't put it as eloquently as you did.

 

I know he wont ever do anything again without running it by me, I fully trust him on that front. But as you said he still harbours these desires and that is my concern.

  • Like 1
Posted

The bigger issue now is that if I decide to continue with him (and I was pretty sure I was going to) my girlfriends now want to scratch his eyes out after I confided in them. I can never see them accepting him fully into our circle of friends now. I know I should have kept my mouth shut but I just needed to talk.

I think you need psychological help if you want to continue seeing someone who did this to you without your consent.

Posted (edited)
The bigger issue now is that if I decide to continue with him (and I was pretty sure I was going to) my girlfriends now want to scratch his eyes out after I confided in them. I can never see them accepting him fully into our circle of friends now. I know I should have kept my mouth shut but I just needed to talk.

 

Yea, you should've talked to someone with no personal investment and solid confidentiality, like a counselor. The situation with the girlfriends is one you created and it's up to you to manage that now. It would be such a shame to end it because the girlfriends are pissed about something they should have no knowledge of in the first place.

 

Here's my take, now that you've disclosed more... it's all about regaining the trust. You feel trust was violated and this is exasperated by the panic you experienced. Yes, he crossed a line, but given that you'd been engaging in the edge play, that he didn't push further without regard for you, and that he is contrite and truly sorry about the mistake, you should realize that the egregiousness of the offense is not necessarily defined by your reaction. Do you think he expected/intended for you to panic, or was he surprised by it too? Maybe he felt the trust was there and meant no harm whatsoever. Try and look at it from a larger context––is he otherwise a loving, thoughtful, considerate, caring partner? Was this an anomaly as opposed to a pattern? Maybe just spend some easy time with him, with clothes on, doing things to reconnect and being affectionate again. Then have the talk later, after spending easy time together but before engaging in these kinds of activities.

 

PS: I'm not a kick'em to the curb over anything kind of person. Ladies, what's right for you is not necessarily what's right for her. I don't engage in this stuff either, but I'm accepting who she is and where she's at rather than applying my own values and standards to her situation.

Edited by salparadise
  • Like 3
Posted
WTH? She never gave him a green light to do this.

 

That was in response to this quote, from OP's first post:

 

I am not shy in the bedroom and we have tried a lot of different things but lately he has been pushing the boundaries of what is acceptable. I have compromised and tried a lot of what has been suggested, some I liked, some I didn’t. I think I may have given him the green light unintentionally to keep pushing the boundaries.

 

It sounds like she's been growing uncomfortable with things he's been doing for a while. This latest episode was the (huge) last straw. I certainly wasn't trying to minimize what he did to her, or the betrayal of trust she feels. In fact, I was pointing out that she shouldn't accept anything she isn't comfortable with--and needs to be sure her partner understands her discomfort--not just the blatant violations of her boundaries and trust.

  • Author
Posted
Yea, you should've talked to someone with no personal investment and solid confidentiality, like a counselor. The situation with the girlfriends is one you created and it's up to you to manage that now. It would be such a shame to end it because the girlfriends are pissed about something they should have no knowledge of in the first place.

 

Hindsight is great but I can't go back now. He will just have to prove his worth to them as well as me.

 

Do you think he expected/intended for you to panic, or was he surprised by it too? Maybe he felt the trust was there and meant no harm whatsoever.

 

I think when I panicked it took him by surprise. I can still see that look of horror on his face thinking oh my god what have I done.

 

Maybe just spend some easy time with him, with clothes on, doing things to reconnect and being affectionate again. Then have the talk later, after spending easy time together but before engaging in these kinds of activities.

 

Some very sage advice. I am glad I posted here.

 

PS: I'm not a kick'em to the curb over anything kind of person. Ladies, what's right for you is not necessarily what's right for her. I don't engage in this stuff either, but I'm accepting who she is and where she's at rather than applying my own values and standards to her situation.

 

Thank you for saying that. It is not nice to be judged.

  • Author
Posted
It sounds like she's been growing uncomfortable with things he's been doing for a while. This latest episode was the (huge) last straw.

 

That's not entirely true. While the boundaries have been pushed further and further I was always a willing participant until this latest event. To be brutally honest I don't know what I would have felt if it had been discussed prior. I couldn't see myself consenting to it but not having had that opportunity it is hard to be sure.

 

The act itself is not shocking to me (as in a deep rough headjob) but the helplessness was just plain scary. It's going to be a hard thing to forgive. Well I guess that's not entirely true either, I can forgive him but it will be a long time (if ever) before I forget what I hope was only a lapse of judgement.

Posted

I had to google for the definition of the Harlem Struggle and what I managed to find were not pretty. Not only is it demeaning to women, but it borders on abuse.

 

I cannot believe your boyfriend did that to you. It would make me question if he's some kind of psychopath to even wanted to get his rocks off of hurting you.

  • Like 1
Posted
Yes, thank you, that is exactly what I am feeling I just can't put it as eloquently as you did.

 

I know he wont ever do anything again without running it by me, I fully trust him on that front. But as you said he still harbours these desires and that is my concern.

 

You didn't consent to this and you were scared. He didn't stop it immediately. I certainly wouldn't trust a guy who did something like this. He wouldn't get a second chance as he clearly didn't control himself at the time.

  • Like 1
Posted
Does anyone else get the impression that the OP is getting in over her head?

 

It seems that she is pretty young gauging by her own comments. Only second boyfriend, 14 months is a long time in a relationship. I also get the feeling that the boyfriend is a lot older and is dominating her. (not that that is an issue per se)

 

I just hope that she is really and truly a willing participant and not just doing it because she thinks she has to or it's what's expected.

 

Yep, that was definitely my impression too. Her first post really sounded like he was pushing her to get kinkier and kinkier, and she was not comfortable with it (but didn't necessarily tell him that). The words she wrote weren't from an eager participant, whose partner pushed the boundary one step too far:

 

lately he has been pushing the boundaries of what is acceptable
I think I may have given him the green light unintentionally to keep pushing the boundaries.
admitting that he most probably has/had a warped sense of acceptable limits
I believe I may have unintentionally encouraged the behavior.
Which is why I told her not to greenlight anything she wasn't totally comfortable with. Her response to me yesterday felt like backpedaling ("Oh, no, I'm totally cool with everything we did before, and this last thing might've even been ok if he brought it up to me first!"). What consenting individuals do behind closed doors is none of my concern, but I, too, worry that she's not really an equal partner in all this.
Posted

Wow, after reading about it that was worse than I was expecting... If a girl attacked me in some way during sex I would dump her for sure.

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