I make up tragic stories about my past after break-ups? I can't stop??

[purplemania]

I've always told my friends about how I was abused, molested, or something else that's really bad whenever a guy dumps me.

 

Some of it is true to a degree; I did go through a lot of messed up s%*t in my childhood, but I exaggerate a lot as well.

 

I feel really bad for lying, but I don't understand why I do it. It's like I'm addicted to having them feel pity for me, even though I feel really really wrong when I lie about something like that, especially knowing that there are people who really do go through those types of experiences, and have had it worse than I did.

 

How do I stop? Why do I do this?

[Fugu]

I've always told my friends about how I was abused, molested, or something else that's really bad whenever a guy dumps me.

 

Some of it is true to a degree; I did go through a lot of messed up s%*t in my childhood, but I exaggerate a lot as well.

 

I feel really bad for lying, but I don't understand why I do it. It's like I'm addicted to having them feel pity for me, even though I feel really really wrong when I lie about something like that, especially knowing that there are people who really do go through those types of experiences, and have had it worse than I did.

 

How do I stop? Why do I do this?

 

If possible, seek counseling. I'm not saying that to be demeaning - I promise. It sounds like you may have some sort of compulsive behavioral issue that needs to be evaluated.

[TaraMaiden]

I agree.

 

Low self-esteem, poor self-image.

 

Tragic stories make for sympathy. You equate 'sympathy' with being liked, popular and the focus of attention.

 

This isn't so much a weird trait as an addiction. And clearly a messed-up past, and someone being sympathetic to you about it, triggered a subconscious "hey, I LIKE this!"

 

You need to see a psychologist or psychiatrist. Someone who is professionally qualified to help you disentangle not only the emotional aspect of this behaviour, but to discern the mental process and logistics of why you do this.

 

be warned: Part of your therapy may include approaching people you've lied to, and setting the record straight.

 

Because this behaviour, which I suspect has a kind of addictive quality to it (when the 'buzz' or 'high' you get from the sympathy, dies down, do you create a new scenario to seek its renewal?) may be treatable in the same way an Alcoholic deals with the mess they created in the past - by seeking forgiveness and cleansing, to redress the damage done.

 

Just asking.....

Good luck.

be well.

[Taramere]

I've always told my friends about how I was abused, molested, or something else that's really bad whenever a guy dumps me.

 

Some of it is true to a degree; I did go through a lot of messed up s%*t in my childhood, but I exaggerate a lot as well.

 

I feel really bad for lying, but I don't understand why I do it. It's like I'm addicted to having them feel pity for me, even though I feel really really wrong when I lie about something like that, especially knowing that there are people who really do go through those types of experiences, and have had it worse than I did.

 

How do I stop? Why do I do this?

 

You must have at some point felt rewarded as a result of relaying the details of a bad experience to somebody (even if the reward was just attention/sympathy). It sounds as though you have a major craving for that kind of attention if you're willing to make up stories to get it.

 

However, congratulations on recognising this is a problem you need to address. I think people who are major pathological liars never get to that place. I agree with TM that setting the record straight with people you've lied to might be a part of that therapy. I'm sure a reputable therapist will be careful to ensure that you were as prepared as possible, and had developed a trusting rapport with you, before setting you any task along those lines.

 

A girl I was at school with was an incredible liar. It was the main way the rest of us defined her really. She was our friend, and she was a good laugh in many ways, but there was a general acceptance that you couldn't believe a word she said. Years later I bumped into her, when we were both adults. She invited me to lunch. While I was there, her little girl came through and said something that my old friend identified as a lie. She said to her "now that's not true is it? No. Okay. Don't tell lies. Mummy used to do that all the time when she was a little girl, and it's not a good thing to do."

 

I felt this wave of admiration for her, that she had confronted that aspect about herself. Honestly, most people are so busy picking out other people's flaws, weaknesses and dishonourable bits and pieces that they neglect to confront their own demons.

[todreaminblue]

I agree with the other two posters a professional will be able to help you sort it out.... ...have you ever had a therapist before and if you have what have they said to you?..............best wishes...deb

[TaraMaiden]

Taramere, maybe that was your friend's way of also letting you know, she knew, and kind of apologising for it.

 

Yes, I agree, purplemania, any therapist will be extremely supportive and encourage healing in the safest way for you, and (jumping way ahead of ourselves here!) if it ever comes to this approach and tactic, it's always possible that those from whom you may be encouraged to seek 'forgiveness' - will not forgive you.

 

And that's OK.

That would be their choice.

The important is, that you face your demons, and demand transparent honesty from them, by banishing them also through personal, self-forgiveness.

 

Be strong.

let us know how you get on.

[Taramere]

Taramere, maybe that was your friend's way of also letting you know, she knew, and kind of apologising for it.

 

Yes, that's how I saw it. As kids, we knew from the first day she started at school that she was a liar. She was already a friend of one girl in the group I went about with. She "discovered" a catty anonymous note in her blazer pocket. None of us would have done something like that, and we knew she was lying - but we didn't actually confront her about it. We just kind of accepted "she make stuff up - you can't really believe her" but we didn't stop being friends with her over it. I think as kids you judge very easily and you also forgive very easily.

 

As an adult, I felt there was nothing for me to forgive. Who she was back then was a child, whose parents were forever on the verge of splitting up and whose father was an absolute sh*t to her (something I witnessed with my own eyes). She was bound to be troubled. We knew that back then, which is probably why we were tolerant. Her evident self examination in later years was admirable. Perhaps she'd had counselling at some point.

 

I lost touch with her because she moved away soon after that, but I'd say of the people I knew at school - barring two much loved (but living far away now) friends, she's the one I'd most like to meet up with again. I'm very tolerant of people's f*ck ups if they're able to own and learn from them, and I usually find them more interesting than the people who appeared to coast through life effortlessly.

[purplemania]

I agree.

 

Low self-esteem, poor self-image.

 

Tragic stories make for sympathy. You equate 'sympathy' with being liked, popular and the focus of attention.

 

This isn't so much a weird trait as an addiction. And clearly a messed-up past, and someone being sympathetic to you about it, triggered a subconscious "hey, I LIKE this!"

 

You need to see a psychologist or psychiatrist. Someone who is professionally qualified to help you disentangle not only the emotional aspect of this behaviour, but to discern the mental process and logistics of why you do this.

 

be warned: Part of your therapy may include approaching people you've lied to, and setting the record straight.

 

Because this behaviour, which I suspect has a kind of addictive quality to it (when the 'buzz' or 'high' you get from the sympathy, dies down, do you create a new scenario to seek its renewal?) may be treatable in the same way an Alcoholic deals with the mess they created in the past - by seeking forgiveness and cleansing, to redress the damage done.

 

Just asking.....

Good luck.

be well.

 

I was coddled a lot as a child. Whenever my parents would try to discipline me, my grandparents would contest it. And now everybody expects me to grow up and stand on my own two feet but I'm sooo used to having a strong support system - it's a lot more difficult than it sounds.

 

I do want to see a psychologist; if only they weren't so damn expensive. But I do hate this behavior. I really want to get past this.

[purplemania]

I agree with the other two posters a professional will be able to help you sort it out.... ...have you ever had a therapist before and if you have what have they said to you?..............best wishes...deb

 

I've seen two and to be honest, I didn't feel they were doing much for me and quit after 5/6 visits. It wasn't specific to this problem though; it was just me trying to get through a really bad break-up.

[TaraMaiden]

I was coddled a lot as a child. Whenever my parents would try to discipline me, my grandparents would contest it. And now everybody expects me to grow up and stand on my own two feet but I'm sooo used to having a strong support system - it's a lot more difficult than it sounds.

 

I do want to see a psychologist; if only they weren't so damn expensive. But I do hate this behavior. I really want to get past this.

 

here's something that might help.

 

Wear a rubber band around your wrist. Slightly tight, but not so's it makes your hand swell and go blue....!

 

I would surmise that when you find yourself in a situation where you feel you're going to lie - you know it.

You can feel it plotting, beginning in your head. You start to tell yourself the story you're about to use as a lie, to make it feasible, real, believable.

 

You semi-cut off from what you're hearing, or what the other person may be saying, to develop the grain of a lie, into the narrative you want to contribute.

Am I right?

 

Well, the moment you realise you're about to embark on fairy-tale creating - pull the rubber band and snap it. Hard. Against the inside of your wrist.

As you pukl and snap it, think to yourself: "Quit lying, *purplemania.* Stop, now."

 

If the other person questions you, explain - "I have a problem in that my mind tends to wander, and I only half-listen. I want to make myself pay attention to what you're saying,and focus on you. I apologise. Please, go on...."

 

They'll find that admirable.

And you will have distracted yourself from inventing yet something else that will simply make the problem worse.

it's a recognised tactic to help in breaking bad habits.

 

Why is my daughter snapping a rubber band on her wrist? Is this the same as cutting? - Yahoo! Answers

 

Kelly Osbourne's clinical therapist recommends SNAPPING elastic band against wrist for chocolate cravings or negative thoughts | Mail Online

[purplemania]

here's something that might help.

 

Wear a rubber band around your wrist. Slightly tight, but not so's it makes your hand swell and go blue....!

 

I would surmise that when you find yourself in a situation where you feel you're going to lie - you know it.

You can feel it plotting, beginning in your head. You start to tell yourself the story you're about to use as a lie, to make it feasible, real, believable.

 

You semi-cut off from what you're hearing, or what the other person may be saying, to develop the grain of a lie, into the narrative you want to contribute.

Am I right?

 

Well, the moment you realise you're about to embark on fairy-tale creating - pull the rubber band and snap it. Hard. Against the inside of your wrist.

As you pukl and snap it, think to yourself: "Quit lying, *purplemania.* Stop, now."

 

If the other person questions you, explain - "I have a problem in that my mind tends to wander, and I only half-listen. I want to make myself pay attention to what you're saying,and focus on you. I apologise. Please, go on...."

 

They'll find that admirable.

And you will have distracted yourself from inventing yet something else that will simply make the problem worse.

it's a recognised tactic to help in breaking bad habits.

 

Why is my daughter snapping a rubber band on her wrist? Is this the same as cutting? - Yahoo! Answers

 

Kelly Osbourne's clinical therapist recommends SNAPPING elastic band against wrist for chocolate cravings or negative thoughts | Mail Online

 

I'll try it. Thanks for the tip.